It’s fun to talk like a pirate, but, in reality, they are murderous thugs. Thus, I think it’s appropriate I have my crack research staff find some important facts about them.
FUN FACT ABOUT PIRATES
* Pirates operate by boarding your ship, killing everyone on board, and stealing your treasure. So, if pirates ask to board, tell them no.
* You may be able to avoid getting attacked by pirates if you drape a sign over the side of your vessel reading, “Radio Broken”.
* If you are captured by pirates, fight back by throwing all their oranges overboard. Now they’ll all get scurvy – whatever the f–k that is.
* Since piracy really ended centuries ago, my main concern when encountering pirates would be how to get back to my own time. Cryogenics was piss-poor in the 17th century – hell, it’s hard enough to get a bag of ice – so you’ll have to try some other option.
* Even though pirates sail all the seven seas, they’re apparently based in Pittsburgh, PA.
* When fighting pirates, you may think the man with the big hat is the leader, but it’s actually the parrot on his shoulder. Take that bird out first!
* In a fight between Aquaman and pirates, Aquaman would… wait a second, a fight on the sea; Aquaman would actually be competent here. I don’t think there’s a joke to this one.
* A lot of people when boarding your ship may claim to be pirates, but make sure to ask for identification. If someone is murdering your crew and stealing your booty but doesn’t have the proper ID, make sure to report it to the pirate union.
* While pirates tend to use the peg to replace a lost leg, it doesn’t work as well to replace a lost arm, nose, or ears.
* Be careful of a pirate who lost a hand; them hooks is pointy!
* Those muskets take like a minute to reload, so, if a pirate fires at you and misses, time for a pound’n.
* The cannon the pirates have may or may not be loaded, but don’t check it by just sticking your head down the barrel. You at least need a match first or you won’t be able to see.
* The pirate flag of skull and cross bones is called the “Jolly Roger” because whoever decided to name it was really gay.
* Jolly Ranchers have no relation to the Jolly Roger… that I know of. To be on the safe side, though, if you see a bunch of Jolly Rancher wrappers lying about, be prepared for a pirate attack!
* If someone boards your land going vessel and steals it, that’s a carjacker, not a pirate. You can still run him through with a cutlass, though.
* If you see a man with a long beard, it could be the fearsome Blackbeard the pirate! If the beard is somewhat light colored, he’s probably just a member of ZZ Top. Either way, use caution.
* The most fearsome pirate these days is some Middle Easterner known as Kazaa.
* If you’re really worried about pirates, go to Taco Bell. I’ve never seen one there, and I like their chalupas.
* The main thing to remember about pirates is that they are more scared of you than you are of them. Just stand your ground, wave your arms in the air, and yell and that should scare them off.
arrgh, but what do you call a pirate who hijacks a blog?
If it’s my blog… fish food.
Arrr! A fine ship you have procured, Pete! What’ll we do with the Cap’n Monkeysmell?
You think you have what it takes, matey? By the end of the day you’ll be begging for Aquaman to save your worthless barnacled hide.
I think that sentance could be the funniest thing I have ever read
Perhaps we could be usin’ ‘im as a cabin boy. Someone needs to be cleanin’ the chumbucket.
Keel hauling might help to wash the monkey’s stench off of his flea bitten hide
Skin ‘im and boil ‘im in oil! Arrr!
Of course I be partial to shark meat, maybe we can use him for the chum? Savvy?
Use his entrails to floss our teeth!
Arr! Baitin’ the hook wit’ ‘im. Might good thinkin’ mate!
put a Rope about his Neck and hoisted him up and down the yards!!
or maybe we just be flaying him alive
Stretchin’ ‘is neck before shark fishin’ aye? ‘ave a little sport with ‘im.
That yellow-belly ran off, ‘e did!
more than sport, me fair, I hear tell that he dresses like a woman on occasion
Lily-livered son of a bilge-rat! Where’d ye go?
Frantically tryin’ to ban me IP address, ‘e is.
probably looking for that green and orange fish to come and save his scurvy hide.
Arrr! Nothing can save ‘im now!
Hiding in the hold is probably more like it.
The rats’ll ‘ave a fine meal of ‘im.
Well set the top sails and run out the long 9’s incase he tries to come back
Arr! I need to set sail to the mall to buy a sharpener for me cutlass. You two behave while I’m gone.
Aye, good thinkin’ matey. Let’s ‘ave a look around.
Scalliwag! ‘e’s mockin’ us!
Yellow dog is running off at the first sign of trouble huh?
Aye, ‘e certainly is. Now let’s have that look, eh, matey?
What ‘ave we ‘ere? Frilly dresses on a ship?!
Aye, let’s force the door to his cabin and start cleaning out the strong box.
Arrr. The Chalupa is truly great booty. A treasure indeed my matey!
Right, ye go ahead. I’ve got me bad back and all…
Well he do be know as Ethel in some parts
here you can be puttin on his girdle here
Aye, that explains it then. Arrr!
I’ll run you through! I don’t need ‘is girdle! Stand aside, I’ll blast the door open, matey.
wait!!, don’t be using the cannon on it!!
Arrr! But me likes the big boom!
‘eye but remember pillage first, then burn
Oh aye, thanks matey. I’ll use me musket.
you know for a captn’ he sure does have a lot of women’s clothes in here
Even the frilly underthings. T’would be uncomfortable, eh?
and take a gander at yon wall, who is Glenn Renyolds and what be an istapundit?
that would be explaining his high voice then
Arrr! Me one good eye is burning!
Aye, not that thar’s anythin’ wrong wit’ that.
tis a horrid sight, and there be a stench of monkey in here as well
Ye be hoping ’tis monkeystench.
eye matey, but what else would cause me eyes to water like this?
Arr, let’s find that strong box. I’ll open a window, me hearty.
me be hoping we can find under all of these frilly underthings
Tis a mess for sure, matey. Me’s hopin’ it will be worth it.
Arrr! A miniature statue of that Reynolds mate!
did ye post anyone on lookout?
Why ‘twould be in ‘is bedclothes?
Aye, why?
w edon’t want the bildge rat sneaking back up on us
Aye. But by the looks o’ things, ‘e wouldn’t put up much of a fight, me hearty.
will ye look at all this Renyolds stuff ye think it be his God or something
Some good stuff, Maynard!
One of the worst things about waking up in the middle of the night with a panic attack is you’re just wrung out the rest of the day. Luckily, although I have to open the theater my assistant will be closing it, so I don’t have to stay til midnight….
aye but he might be havin’ that Orange and Green fish with ’em
Arrr, it’s a frightenin’ thing. Did ye see the statue? Don’t touch it, matey.
an look at this, what be Scrapple face?
Orange and green fish, me hearty?
Arrr! Pictures o’ monkeys o’er here.
it be that sissy Aquaman, he not be afraid of walking the plank
Oh, aye, the waterboy. Don’t worry ’bout him, matey. ‘e’s been takin’ care of.
there be a lot of monkeys in the next room as well, it be scary
Hark! I ‘ear Susie. Where tis she?
that be a good thing then, we only have to worry about the scruvy boy then
And ‘e isn’t much to worry about, me hearty. Especially if ‘e’s wearin’ heels like these.
how can ‘e walk in them thare shoes?
I’m at a loss, me. Ye’d think they’d be a devil to walk in. Course, ‘e may ‘ave practice, savvy?
with all the dresses in ‘ere he must practice quite a bit. and where be that Susie?
She said we was ‘avin so much fun she thought she’d leave us to it.
worthless lass, has she no guts? Or should we run her up the yardarm as well?
Arrr, we’ll wait and see. She can be a bit useful but me thinks she’s in cahoots with Cap’n Monkeysmell.
She be planning Mutiny?
Me thinks she’s just tired. We’ll let ‘er be. Find that strong box yet, matey?
nay, just all this stuff on the mating habits of monkeys.
Oh, aye, fascinating. Gorillas have teeny penises.
Ye should ‘ave let me burn ‘er to ash! We’ll never find the strong box in this cabin.
Psst…mateys…did ye eyeball that stack o’ dubloons near the spitoon? Methinks they are made o’chocolate!
Arrr! Me matey! You made it!
about time too, ye scurvy dog
Arr! and Swiss chocolate at that! Avast ye, and help me find the milk!
ye not be having milk and chocolate whilst we be pillaging
Aye, but I canna stay too long–me own ship will be weighing anchor shortly!
Ye shouldn’t drink that, matey.
Did ye see the statues and the like of Glenn Reynolds? This one is solid gold, me hearties.
boust time we be finding something useful on this wreck
Aye, me hearty, ye must set sail whilst the winds are favorable.
And why can’t I pillage milk to go with me pillaged chocolate?
Arrr, I’ll clean it up and melt it down. Twill be worth a mint!
Avast! Tis time to catch the tide! pillage well, me hearties!
Tis not milk, me hearty. Shhh
it just be wrong
Aye, good t’see ye!
aye, off with ye
ok matey you be ready to set sail?
She looked well, aye, matey?
aye, that she did, she’ll look even better in those thing she took from yon cabinet
Aye, but be sure to burn ‘er to ash! Twas a meager bounty, but twill do.
aye, next ime we be needin’ to find a more manly ship to take
Fer certain, me hearty. Fer certain. Leave those heels for the fire, matey.
you be sure that you don’t be wanting them? They be looking good on you with that red dress?
Arrr, I s’pose they would. Back to our own ship now, me hearty.
Where’s the rum?
Piracy!
In honor of Pirate Day, Pete has boarded and stolen Ethel’s vessel! Go support our fellow scalliwag!…
Piracy!
In honor of Pirate Day, Pete has boarded and stolen Ethel’s vessel! Go support our fellow scalliwag!…
Savy!
hack! Arg! Wot ye be doin’ in me cap’n cabin?!!
Pirate Talk
Jen and someone name Pete have hijacked the comments section on Frank’s pirate post. They’ve used about every pirate term imaginable. Good thing it’s Talk Like A Pirate Day or it would all be pretty silly. Those who watched Survivor…
Arrr! Will you stop all these comments? It’s driv’n me nuts!
Just a minor nitpick, really, but there are still pirates on the seas. They mostly operate in SE Asia. To compound the problem, China has a tendency of siezing ships which fly the flag of nations with whom China has territorial disputes, and it ends up getting blamed on pirates. So not many nations are really willing to do anything about the problem.
Yes, Adam, you are completely correct. Did you catch the Atlantic Monthly article (I believe it was last month) that had a nice section of it regarding pirates?
hln
Arrrrrr!
I know Talk Like A Pirate was yesterday, and I’m sorry I missed Shep Smith doing his newscast in piratespeak, but Frank has important facts about pirates in the meantime….
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The pirate flag of skull and cross bones is called the “Jolly Roger” because whoever decided to name it was really gay.” – Frank J….
Where be my booty?
If you ever have the opportunity to have dinner with the captain of a pirate ship, don’t eat the lobster bisque…
Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day I refused to
I refused to talk like a pirate today, but I will offer you Frank J’s Know Thy Enemy: Pirates. Jolly Ranchers have no relation to the Jolly Roger… that I know of. To be on the safe side, though, if you see a bunch of Jolly Rancher wrappers lying abou…
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Please visit my wonderful web site I ove to cook and make candles. I’ll show you my favorite Candle books at Amazon.
IMAO Blogiversary!!!
Today, July 9th, 2004, IMAO hits Blogiversary Number Two, Dos, Zwei, Deux, Dois, Twee, etc.!!!!!! My favorite all-time Frank J. post is Know Thy Enemy: Hamas and here’s some of his great work: * You know, Hamas could just
New Year–New Look
Happy Blogiversary to Frank J…I’m liking the new layout. ***Update: Matt reminded me of the Talk Like a Pirate Day post that Pete and I commandeered. Good times….
Aaaagh! He’s been taken over by the Pirates of Spamzance!
thank you taylor little will help with your problems.
what the hell is up with all this freaky stuff?
You need to delete this nastiness.
Arrgh, this be Emulate Pirate Speaking Patterns Day, that be ye one year anniversary fer this page, arrrrrrrrrrrgh.
Cool site 🙂
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I’m so glad I found this site. I will tell others about it.
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I like your site 🙂 have a nice day!
Very interesting point of view fdgfdg.