Here’s a rough draft of my picks for top ten posts… whoops, I guess that’s eleven. Well, I’ll just call it a “Baker’s Ten”. Anyway, I wanted it to be a good sampling of humor so that I could point someone new to this site to this list to see what I’m all about. I didn’t want it too dominated by In My World™ posts, and those I chose I wanted to be understandable to someone who had never read one before. So, do you think I missed a really good one that better deserves to be on this list? When I finish making the picks I’ll make a permanent page of my best posts with an intro explaining my site.
Hating Michael Moore
Terrorist FAQ
A Frank Guide to Homeland Security Alert Levels
Know Thy Enemy: Airline Terrorists
Usually It’s the One with the Gun Who Gets to Ask the Questions
Frank Answers: Ninjas, Irresistible Forces, Light Bulbs, and You’re the Pussy
In My World: Rumsfeld Wants Talks with North Korean Leader
In My World: Stupid People No Like War
In My World: If Iraq Uses WMD’s, the U.S. May Respond with Happiness
In My World: Cheney Wishes Undisclosed Location Was More Disclosed
In My World: Career Day
Archive of entries posted on September 2003
Frank Answers: Punching Frenchmen, Liberals Controlling the Weather, and Pinko Pups
Jake D from Sunny Melbourne asks:
If you punch a Frenchman in the face and no-one is looking, shouldn’t you do it again?
Of course! Keep punching until someone protests. Then punch that person. Keep ice handy.
RMH from Jacksonville, FL writes:
As you may know, there is a huge hurricane headed straight for the North Carolina/Virginia area. I am also sure that you are well aware that there are two major military bases in the vicinity. My question is: Do you think this is just an uncontrollable act of mother nature or is it perhaps an evil creation of the vast left-wing conspiracy in their attempts to harm our mighty military without being obvious about it and without having to take the blame for it?
If the liberals have gained the ability to control weather, that is cause for concern, but I think that the weapons of the left are still mainly whining and B.O. Mother Nature has always been a capricious bitch, and it’s up to us right-wingers to one day settle her and make her do our bidding. The environment is ours to control. It is our right.
As for our military men and women stuck on those bases, as a civilian I would just like to say: Stop being such a bunch of whiners. If you can’t handle hundreds of miles an hour winds, how you gonna kill for’ners? MY tax money DEMANDS you to be tough.
DES from Warren, MA writes:
I have a Siberian Husky. She’s not very well behaved. Do you think she might be a Communist?
Raising dogs can always be tough for outdated encryption algorithms, especially if you suspect your dog to be a Communist. Don’t worry too much, though, as dogs are very American animals and rarely ever are Communists. There are signs to check for, just in case:
Does she seem perturbed that others who go out and work all day make more money than she does sitting around all day and licking herself?
When offered a bandana to wear, will she only put on a red one?
Will she bark up a storm unless you turn on NPR?
If you seriously suspect your dog to be a Communist, you’ll probably have to pay good money for an obedience school. When she learns that being a good dog equals yummy treats, she’ll shed her Communist ways like her winter coat… but without all the brushing.
Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
For Those in the Path of Isabel…
…don’t forget that I already wrote all the hurricane tips you’ll need to know.
Another Score for Right Wing News
John Hawkins, whose job it seems is to make the rest of us bloggers look like chumps, has an interview with Milton Friedman. Enjoy.
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Recall Delay, Patriot Act Hysteria, Amanpour, the Wedding, and What I’m Up To
- I was like, “Oh no; the recall is delayed.” Then I realized it was the 9th who made the decision, the most overturned court in the nation, so I knew this was just another temper tantrum of theirs to get attention. Let’s just ignore them until the Supreme Court has a look-see.
- And why is everyone down on punch card ballots because they’re more prone to voter error? Voter error is just God’s way of making sure that people too dumb to follow simple instructions are not the ones deciding the future of our nation.
- It’s certainly not a hobby of mine to defend Howard Dean (then again, I still think his winning the primary will help Bush in the general), but why is there a controversy that a humorous line he used in his debate was actually coached. Haven’t people anticipated question and come up with great responses since the word debate was first coined?
- People seem to be freaking out about the Patriot Act like all ‘ell, but I still can’t get enough interest to even read much about it. I guess I’ve just gotten used to when there is this much smoke in politics, there probably ain’t no fire.
- Christiane Amanpour said her reporting on Iraq was affected by intimidation by the White House and Fox News. Fox News responded by saying that if she doesn’t shut up, they’ll beat the crap out of her while the White House subtly hinted that she could be disappeared.
- To try and appeal to women voters, Schwar… Arnold went on the Oprah Winfrey show. That’s the problem with women voters: I will never respect them when their impressed by people talking to Oprah instead of, like us men, being impressed by whoever vows to “kill the bastards”.
- As you all know, I had radio silence a good portion of last week since I was attending the wedding of my brother, Joe foo’ the Marine, to the lovely Denise. I ended up catching the garter belt though I didn’t want too – none of us did. I used my brother privilege to stand in the front thinking it would sail overhead, but my brother can’t throw a garter for s–t and it landed right at my feet. I then, in the word of his Marine buddies, “jumped on the grenade”. Since I still had the tux on, I was thinking of walking into a bar and using it in some sort of pick up line.
- I love gift registries. Makes buying gifts less of a mind-racking headache. Denise’s brother, though, who surprised everyone by getting back from Iraq on the day of the wedding, had a great gift. He had with him in the Middle East a picture of Joe and Denise from a Marine ball, and he paid an Iraqi to paint it into a portrait of the two. I hope I can show you all a picture of it (plus a picture of me in my tux for the ladies).
- There is nothing better than drinking free beer while smoking stogies with a bunch of Marines and an old friend of Joe and mine we hadn’t seen in years (who was the only other one in a tux instead of dress blues) and then finishing it off with a round of Irish car bombs.
- My main worry the whole time I was there was my toast, because I, being Joe’s brother and best man, wanted to make it special. I had a long one planned out, but at the last minute decided to abridge it. I think it went over well. One girl said it made her cry (but she was a bit tipsy). One guy asked afterwards if I ever thought of going into politics, but I said no (it seems more like something likely for my brother). I love being frank (no pun intended… okay, yes it was), and, in politics you can’t always speak your mind. I just couldn’t be that way. I even remember back in eighth grade when we were going to have a debate on abortion, and I ended up the only one against since everyone else was too intimidated by the number of people on the pro side. My arguments were piss-poor, but, hell, I stood up for what I believe in and I vow to always do. Actually, I tend to avoid mentioning abortion on this site since it’s an issue I know a lot of my readers will disagree on… but the point still stands.
- Speaking of politics, why do I only hear good stories about Iraq when I talk to troops who had actually been there. My brother’s friend, a Marine lieutenant, was at the wedding and he kept saying how the Iraqis were the nicest people and loved the Americans being there. At martial arts yesterday, one of the students had just gotten back from Iraq. He’s an older guy who works where I work and I know must make some good money. Plus, he has a wife and two children he had to leave behind. Still, after being there and seeing all the people he helped, his only conclusion is that going to Iraq was the right thing to do. He talked about the schools he helped rebuild, teaching Iraqis kids how to use swing sets and teeter-totters (they never having seen them before) and how life had already improved for so many Iraqis in so many ways. This stuff really interests people, so how come I never hear it any other place than first hand or on blogs with letters from servicemen? WMD’s or not, there are over 24 million lives on the line, and we are doing some good, goddammit. To all those who thought we should have left the Iraqis in the misery of Saddam’s regime, I think we should ship those dumb f–ks to Iraq and let the people there do with them as they may as sort of a way to relieve the stress of the former horror. The Democrats, at least those wanting to be president, are trying to say how bad things are because they needs things to be bad… and well, that’s disgusting to the highest degree. I could go on more, but I like to limit my swearing.
- To calm down, I just want to mention the creative projects I’m now working on or plan to get started. I have my novel I finished, and I’m going over the second draft with my Silly Sister Sarah before I write up a third draft. I also have a screenplay mostly written that I need to finish. Also, I want to try and find an agent for the humor stuff I’ve written here on this site, and I have finally come up with an idea for a long subject (novel length) humor piece that will be somewhat like my In My World™ posts and focus on Buck the Marine. Also, I have a currently hush hush Flash animation project I want to get working on. Also, I have an idea for a new holster design and borrowed a specific handgun from my dad so I can work on it. I have a lot of other things going on than these crative projects, so I expect to make myself very busy, but I’ll try to keep up my regular blogging because, well, I like to.
- Sorry to not be so funny today. Anyway, I would just like to once again give best wishes to my brother Joe foo’ the Marine and my new sister, Denise.
Links of the Day
First off, I’m way behind on e-mail. I read everything sent, but I often flag e-mail for follow up when I have more time to think of a good reply. Now I have like a million flagged e-mails (including many from when I was gone last week). Tomorrow after work, I’m going to try and take care of a lot of them.
Second, I just got my Misha Mug, and it is a work of art. The gold trim at the rim just makes it perfect. It’s almost too good looking to drink coffee from. ThoseShirts.com seems as good with mugs as they are with t-shirts.
Anyway, links!
Here’s a story of a man whose picture should be in the dictionary next to “American Hero.” I have We Were Soldiers on my Netflix rental queue to see that part of his life which I was too young to hear of firsthand, but we all know of what made his final chapter.
The Patriette has a form for getting a date with her. I like this idea. I should put out a form that makes me more like an exclusive club. Yeah, that will get me more women. While I think about that, I’ll fill out the Patriette’s form and see how I do.
I have a great interest in security, computer and otherwise, and Brian J. has something everyone should read about shredding documents.
A Libertarian in the Countryside has moved and changed names to Alice Bachini (though Alice Bachini herself is unchanged).
I’m starting to wonder if Blackfive is just a great liar. He has too many awesome anecdotes.
Plus, I have some words for Alliance members.
Tomorrow I hope to write a bit about my brothers wedding along with the usual political stuff. See you then.
Frank Answers: Socialists, Monkey Fist, Do Dogs Know of the Puppy Blender, and Ramming Communists
Tim H from Viera, FL writes:
I’m pretty sure we can establish that you hate commies. What are your thoughts on socialists?
Basically socialists are watered down Commies who are in risk of becoming full-fledged Commies. I wouldn’t necessarily say to kill all socialists, though. Instead, a good beating may suffice.
Example:
SOCIALIST: The government should have more control over business.
YOU: No. (punch punch punch)
SOCIALIST: I now see the error of my ways.
A good beating could prevent a socialist from becoming a Commie. Remember: Only YOU can prevent forest fires Communists.
JFH in Charleston, South Carolina writes:
Was looking at the bag containing a McDonald’s “Happy Meal” that my wife had bought my 4 year-old and noticed that one of Kim Possible’s enemies was a guy named Monkey Fist. (see this link for a description). Not only does this guy love monkeys, but he has an army of ninja monkeys to do his evil bidding! Worse yet, he’s the one villain that my son thinks is “cool” (I blame the influence of “Power Rangers – Ninja Storm” on his fascination of ninjas). The question is: Should I be worried that my son could grow up to love monkeys and ninjas, or is this just a phase he’s going through?
First off, I have to praise you on being a good father and keeping watch on what is influencing your child. Now, I, not being “hip” or “with it”, have never heard of “Kim Possible”. At least this monkey ninja character is a villain, so perhaps the show is teaching good moral values. Your child should not think this villain is “cool”, though. Instead, he should revile him. Perhaps you should have a frank talk with your son explaining to him that monkeys and ninjas are always bad. While you’re at it, tell him not to do drugs, thus killing two birds with one stone. Also, you may want to burn down the local McDonalds to further drive home your point. Don’t worry; there should be another one less than five blocks away.
Oh, and, as with all my parenting advice, you should not do as I say under any circumstances. To me, kids are just fun targets to confuse the hell out of.
Alexandra from Fort Worth, TX writes:
I have a 3 month old German shepherd puppy. On Friday night, when I was busy in the kitchen, the puppy started chewing the leg of the kitchen table. She wouldn’t stop chewing the table leg when I told her not to chew it, so I threatened her by saying “if you don’t stop that right now, I’ll give you to the puppy-blender!” My puppy was instantly so contrite, that I felt bad. Now I have two questions: (1) was I wrong to have threatened her with the puppy-blender in order to get her to obey me?; and (2) How did she know about the puppy-blender? I find this latter question especially baffling. To the best of my knowledge, she doesn’t surf the internet during the day while I’m at work, and she came from a very reputable kennel south of Dallas, where I doubt such ugly matters as puppy-blending are discussed. Her instant compliance after I made the puppy-blender threat, however, demonstrated that she knew exactly who the puppy-blender is. I am very troubled by this. Please share your wisdom.
German Shepherds are my favorite dogs, as they are quite smart. As for your questions:
(1) I would say you are wrong to use such a threat. First of all, it’s a bluff (I assume you love your dog to much to actually give her to the Puppy Blender). Second, it’s so powerful a threat, it could actually traumatize your puppy, affecting her later in life.
(2) Dogs have a special ability to sense evil, thus they are all acutely aware of the Puppy Blender though never having actually heard of him. Dogs barking uncontrollably is always a sign that White Glenn – or a Terminator – is near.
Megan from Cleveland, OH writes:
While driving yesterday I spotted someone driving a Toyota Celica with the license plate, 6 Mao. This led me to believe that they had someone fit six communists in the car. I thought that my best plan of action was to speed up and hit the car while going as fast as possible. My question to you is, do communists have car insurance?
If I understand your plan, you would ram the car and then fix yours with an insurance claim, since the crash would be entirely the other party’s fault (as any American insurance company would agree) since he had a license plate of “6 Mao”. The only problem, as you figured, is that a Communist may not have car insurance.
Remember that there are two types of Communists commonly encountered in America: idiotic college professors and hippies. Idiotic college professors, despite the supposed justness of our capitalistic economy, actually make enough money to live on and probably have car insurance. Hippies, on the other hand, are treated much more fairly by our economy and probably don’t have enough money for car insurance. While you may be able to tell hippy from college professor by the car he or she drives, I think the best option is to lean out your window and shoot at the car. Sure, you won’t get compensated for your ammo, but what’s the cost of a few bullets in the grand scheme of things? Shooting while driving is almost as distracting as talking on a cell phone while driving, though, so be careful.
Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
In My World: Autocide Bomber
“Wow! You got a neat place here in Israel!” Bush exclaimed, playing around with things in Ariel Sharon’s office. “What’s this?”
“It’s an uzi; don’t touch that!” Sharon chided him.
“So I hear you have a lot of Jews here in Israel. Is that true?”
“Well, back in 1947…”
“Hey, who’s this?” Bush called out.
“That’s a guy named Uzi; don’t touch him!”
“I heard Jesus was born near here,” Bush said, “Do you still see him around? If you do, can you ask him about having the Democrats smote. I hear he has contacts to get that done.”
“No, I haven’t seen Jesus,” Sharon said impatiently, “Aren’t you here to talk about the suicide bombings?”
“The what now?”
“Don’t you watch the news?”
“No, that’s what I have advisors for,” motioning to Colin Powell and Donald Rumsfeld, “I brought my wussiest advisor and my most violent and blood thirsty advisor.”
“Which one is which?” Sharon asked.
“I dunno; ask them a question.”
“What do you think we should do about the terrorists who target our children for murder?” Sharon inquired.
“Well, we need to talk to them and get to the root causes…” Powell started to say.
“Kill them all!” Rumsfeld yelled, “They will be peaceful when they are dead!”
“I like the second one’s attitude,” Sharon whispered to Bush, “but what with his dog?”
Chomps, the world’s angriest dog, ripped a piece out of the drywall and began chewing it apart.
“That’s just Chomps,” Bush explained, “He’s a little mentally unstable, but he’s pretty famous too. He’s been in three different episodes of When Animals Attack.”
Suddenly they could hear ululation. “What’s that?” Bush asked.
“I think it’s a suicide bomber,” Sharon answered.
They all looked out the window and saw a crazed man running towards the building. He stopped at a car and then exploded.
“My Buick!” Rumsfeld cried.
“It was just a rental,” Bush said.
“But it’s the principle of the thing!” Rumsfeld asserted, “It’s time to exile Arafat… to hell!”
“I think we shouldn’t be so hasty…” Powell started to say.
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld yelled, picking Powell up and throwing him out the window. He then charged out of the building, Chomps following him.
“Should we go help Colin Powell?” Sharon asked.
“No, Rumsfeld throws him out the window all the time; he used to it, Sharon.”
“SHARE-OWN,” Sharon corrected him, “It’s a long ‘o’.”
“Whatever.”
“This is Melinda Hawkish reporting from the Gaza Strip. A celebration has erupted, many Palestinians cheering the mindless destruction of the Secretary of Defense’s rental car, dancing around like crazed monkeys.
“Wait, some figure seems to be joining the crowd… a figure and his dog. Now it’s blood everywhere, the celebration ending with an attack so violent you’d think a Palestinian was involved. Luckily, we brought a tarp, so my blouse will be protected from the splash damage.”
“So, did we kill the American Secretary of Defense?” Arafat asked.
“No, we only got his car,” answered one of his men.
“P’lo!” Arafat exclaimed, slapping his head. “What should we do?”
“Kill the Jews!” answered one of his advisors.
“Joooos! Keeeel!” answered another advisor.
“There seems to be a man charging us,” said one guard, “Much like a suicide bomber… except without the bomb or the suicide.”
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld yelled as he and Chomps busted through the wall, “You destroyed my car. Now you die!”
Rumsfeld and Chomps then began to lose their footing.
“I covered the floor in baby wipes,” Arafat laughed evilly, “Don’t… wipe out. Muh ha ha ha!”
Both Rumsfeld and Chomps tumbled to the ground. This made them angry.
Very angry.
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld screamed.
“Gerawer!” Chomps growled.
The force of their combined anger caused the entire room to burst into flames, burning up the baby wipes. Chomps leapt at the guards, his maw open expectantly, while Rumsfeld grabbed Arafat.
“Don’t kill me!” Arafat pleaded.
Rumsfeld calmed down a bit. “Though you blew up my Buick, I guess there are others who deserve to kill you more.”
“Now, to finally exile Arafat, we will launch him out of this cannon,” Sharon announced before the gathered Israelis. With a cheer, the cannon was fired, and Arafat went tumbling through the air.
“I’ll be back!” he vowed before disappearing into the distance.
“So you think this will bring peace to the Middle East?” Bush asked.
“I really don’t give a rat’s ass,” Sharon answered, “I just wanted to see Arafat fired out of a cannon.”
“We all did,” Bush said with a smile as he patted Sharon on his back, “We all did.”
Showcase
I’m voting for this one.
I’m not completely sure what this is about, but I just do what people tell me.
Two Years Ago
Back on the night of September 11th, 2001, I wrote an essay. I didn’t have a blog back then, but I still felt I had to express my thoughts. Now that I have a blog, I might as well put out the essay exactly as I wrote it back then:
September 11, 2001. It won’t sink in for days. When things change this quickly, it will take a good amount of time for the mind to catch up. But, when the dust settles, our world will be forever changed.
Our first priority is to recover. There are thousands injured, and it is up to everyone to do their part, to donate blood, money, or whatever is needed. We need to restore as much normalcy as we can as quickly as possible. Our enemies are gloating at the disarray they caused, so we to show strength by simply getting back to our business unhindered. But, make no mistake; it will not be business usual. Not now.
Once shock subsides, anger is sure to replace it. It’s not a emotion well suited for decision making, but it is unavoidable at this time. Efforts to subside it will be futile, but it can be directed.
I’ve already heard plenty of people decrying the abilities of our intelligence community, how they should have seen this coming. Intelligence probably does need improving, but this should in no way be the main focus. No matter how good we make our intelligence, we can’t always prevent something like this. The only way is to remove any desire to commit acts of terror.
It’s seems hard to rationalize with people who would do something like this. They poke a tiger with a sharp stick and somehow expect some good to come of it. But our actions can put this in simple unmistakable terms. Our response to this must convince all those who witness it that acts of terror will do nothing but herald the perpetrators destruction. To simply apprehend and arrest those involved is not enough at this point. Those who hijacked the planes were not the only terrorists who committed suicide with today’s actions.
It’s a terrible thing to call for vengeance, but if our response falls even slightly short, we will only encourage more acts like this. We must take the terror to the terrorists, hunting down all we can find and punishing anyone who would harbor them to the point that a country would fear even the possibility of terrorists resting in their borders.
It will be easy to overdo our response, to add to the evil, but it is war. We will have to make decisions of life and death that lie beyond the wisdom of man. We just have to pray to God to lead us in our action to as good a solution as exists. It was a dark day today, and it will be dark for some time to come.
No More Free Ice Cream This Week
I was too busy last night and this morning to come up with a post, as I am leaving this afternoon to Idaho for my older brother, Joe foo’ the Marine, is getting married to the lovely Denise on Saturday and I am the best man (that’s right; I’m the best!). I have something already written for tomorrow (not humorous), and I hope to get online long enough to post it, but don’t expect anything more until Monday. I’ll try to make it up by having an extra big In My World™ when I get back (then again, I will probably be pretty tired when I get in on Sunday…).
A great thing to do while I’m gone is read my archives if you haven’t yet read every single thing I’ve written. I really would like to get together a list of my ten best posts (with not to many of them being IMW’s) as something to point new visitors to my site to as a good sample of my humor, and I would appreciate suggestions of what those posts are. Try to find your favorites plus the best IMW’s that don’t require having read previous ones to be funny. You owe this to me because I’ve been giving you humor for free.
Ahh… probably shouldn’t threaten readers. As for Alliance members, try to come up with new plots against the evil one and we need to start thinking of what to write as a press release for our war. Be especially wary if he uses this time to attack me like he did when I was sick.
I’ll see y’all later.
Frank Predictions: The Democrat Presidential Primary Debate
The Congressional Black Caucus and Fox News will present a debate of the nine Democrat presidential candidates tonight at 8pm ET. I am going to go ahead and make some bold predictions about the debate. Since I’ll probably be playing F-Zero GX while it’s on, someone else watch and tell me how many I got right.
PREDICTIONS FOR THE DEMOCRAT PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY DEBATE
* Howard Dean will set the tone for the debate by announcing at the beginning that Saddam Hussein must immediately be found and then restored to power.
* Joe Liberman will try to convince the Democrats he’s crazy enough to be their nominee by biting the head off a live bat. He will somehow make the act extremely boring.
* Dennis Kucinich’s tinfoil hat will be completely ineffective at stopping the mind controlling space lasers.
* John Edwards will adamantly declare that he’s just a regular guy and that he will use his trial lawyer skills to sue anyone who says otherwise.
* Fox News will use when Carol Moseley Braun speaks to have commercial breaks.
* John Kerry will mention that he served in Vietnam.
* Al Sharpton will interrupt Bob Graham by shouting, “Shut up, Graham cracker!” because it’s just too good a line.
* Dick Gephardt will make some sudden hand movements that will enrage Howard Dean into an attack.
* Bob Graham will try to outdo everyone in angry, anti-Bush invective and end up breaking a hip. It will be the highlight of the bloopers reel.
* There will be a lightning round France appease-off. Kerry will win with his haughtiness and French lookingness.
* Dennis Kucinich will start screaming in response to a high-pitch noise only he can hear.
* Dick Gephardt will use the Democrat’s dark powers to summon Satan, who will announce that he is still undecided.
* John Kerry will mention that he served in Vietnam.
* When things get too boring, the debate will be broken up by an unscheduled ninja attack. That wacky Fox.
* When not speaking, Al Sharpton will eat a hoagie. Dennis Kucinich will start whining and crying when he realizes it was his.
* John Edwards will use his séance powers to talk to his dead political prospects.
* Carol Moseley Braun will fiercely and violently fight for her position of most irrelevant.
* Due to lax security, a stray dog will wander onto stage. Scared and confused, the dog will bite the haughtiest and French lookingest candidate he sees: John Kerry. Kerry will somehow work into his yelp of pain that he served in Vietnam.
* Since the debate will be sponsored by the Black Caucus, there will be a contest to determine which candidate is the blackest. In a surprise upset, Joe Liberman will win.
* Dick Gephardt will try and declare that Bush is a “miserable failure” but will miserably fail and instead say “mailurable fissure”.
* Hillary Clinton will suddenly walk on stage in the middle of the debate, suck all the air out of the room, and then leave.
* At the end of the debate, people will unanimously declare that the winner was Clucks, the Democrat debating chicken. He will also beat each candidate at tic tac toe.
* Al Sharpton will fry and eat that chicken. Poor Clucks, the Democrat debating chicken; this world was just too much for him.
Links of the Day
Jarred T. Nicholls (winner of the Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One) has part 2 of his in depth look at what is “Palestine.” Read it and be smart.
Emperor Misha I has his new mugs out! I’m getting me one, as his logo was in a big part the inspiration for Chomps. Maybe I can start a collection of blogger mugs, even purchasing that extra large mug Kim du Toit was whining about.
My last Frank Answers™ wasn’t up to snuff? Hey, I try my best.
What if Jaws happened today? How would the media react…
Blackfive, who seems to have some of the best anecdotes in the blogosphere, tells why he always flies Southwest.
Jared has haikus for each of the Democratic hopefuls.
Reader Chris K. pointed me to this. Apparently White Glenn’s influence grows.
In My World: The Fall Guy
“Now that I’ve made the case for Iraq getting 87 billion dollars, we need to find ways to get that money embezzled back to us through dummy corporations,” President Bush said.
“Don’t worry,” Dick Cheney stated, “I’ve got it all set up.”
“I’m afraid that someone might find out, though,” Condoleezza Rice said, “I think we need a fall guy.”
“But where are we going to find someone to be the fall guy?” Bush mused aloud.
“Can we go over some notes before the next press conference?” White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan asked as he entered the room.
“Scott! Great to see you!” Bush exclaimed.
Scott stopped for a second and looked at Bush with suspicion. “Why are you being nice to me all of a sudden?”
“Because you’re a valued part of the team,” Bush answered.
“Really?”
“Yeah, now get over here and stop being such a douche bag,” Bush ordered, “I need you to sign this paper before the next press conference. It… uh…”
“It verifies that you are going to be truthful and honest in the press conference,” Condi said.
“But Bush always yells at me when I’m truthful and honest,” Scott said.
“Change of policy,” Bush said, handing over the document. Scott started to look it over, but Bush slapped him on the head. “Don’t read it; just sign it!”
“Is it fair to ask for 87 billion dollars for Iraq when the economy is in a recession?” asked a reporter.
“The economy is not in a recession,” Scott responded, “and we have to do whatever it takes to get the job right.”
“I did some investigation,” said another reporter, “and the money all seems to be going to corporations in your name.”
“What?” Scott exclaimed, “That’s ridiculous.”
“And they aren’t even real corporation,” the reporter continued, “They just seemed to be ways for you to take that money and keep it from the needy Iraqi people.”
“That’s crazy,” Scott said adamantly, “I don’t own any corporations or would ever do such a thing.”
“Why you take money from me and my family?” asked a little Iraqi girl in broken English, “I am sick and hungry.”
“I didn’t take your money, little girl,” Scott pleaded, “Honest.”
“Boo!” all the reporters yelled.
“You’re not supposed to boo at a press conference!” Scott said with frustration.
“Boo!”
“You couldn’t believe what I was charged with at the press conference today,” Scott said, walking into the Oval Office. “They said…” Scott then noticed the room was filled with canvas bags with dollars signs on them. “You took the Iraqi billions!” Scott accused, pointing a finger at Bush.
“That’s crazy,” Bush answered, “That’s so crazy I should have you locked away in an asylum where you can’t tell anyone anything incriminating about me.”
Laura then came into the room. “What’s this commotion all about?”
“Nothing, dear,” Bush answered.
“He embezzled billions of dollars that were supposed to help the Iraqis and then framed me for it!” Scott stated angrily.
“George, is this true?” Laura asked sternly.
“I was going to buy you something nice with it,” Bush answered meekly.
“You give all that money back to the Iraqis and you apologize to Mr. McClellan this instant!”
“I’m sorry, Scott,” Bush said, “but I was going to quietly pardon you at the end of my term – honest!”
“Well, that’s better,” Laura said, “Now you be less mischievous in the future.” She then left the room.
Bush glared at Scott angrily. “Squealer.”
Is There Anything You Can’t Learn From Internet Polls?
Time to retire some more polls.
No one appreciates Potsy.
Who is the greatest figure in American history?
Answers Percent Votes
Potsy – 36 votes (13%)
The “Time to make the donuts!” guy – 135 votes (49%)
The Riddler – 57 votes (21%)
Tonya Harding – 47 votes (17%)
I honestly can’t remember what any of these words mean. I guess no one likes adjectives that have “homo” in them.
What best describes your political views?
Homokaryotic – 20 votes (12%)
Orthogonal – 62 votes (36%)
Dioecious – 33 votes (19%)
Paraxial – 58 votes (34%)
If the moonlight was pale, how could you be sure you were dancing with the devil?
Ever danced with the devil in the pale moon light?
Yes – 52 votes (21%)
No – 71 votes (28%)
The moon light was actually quite bright – 129 votes (51%)
Well, as long as you know you’re hellbound…
What are your religious views?
I believe in the Catholic faith. – 68 votes (25%)
2. I’m hellbound. – 124 votes (45%)
3. Hey, that’s mean! – 84 votes (30%)
Yes! Seek vengeance!
If IMAO were shut down, what would you do?
Kill myself – 9 votes (3%)
Kill others – 54 votes (17%)
Take vengeance against Instapundit.com – 142 votes (45%)
Not rest until all monkeys are dead – 114 votes (36%)
I think people are drastically underestimating Snuggles the Bear.
Who would win in a fight between the Aflac Duck and Snuggles the Bear?
The Aflac Duck – 246 votes (75%)
Snuggles the Bear – 67 votes (21%)
It’s a tie – 13 votes (4%)
Yes, let him forever be remembered as the governor with no name.
Should California Governor Gray Davis be recalled?
Yes. – 47 votes (21%)
Yes, but only when trying to think of a list of ineffectual governors. – 53 votes (23%)
No, he should forever be erased from our collective memories. – 127 votes (56%)
I say it would be a tie, as it would end in a killing spree as soon as one of them encountered a word he couldn’t spell.
Who would win in a spelling bee between Wolverine and the Punisher?
Wolverine – 87 votes (41%)
The Punisher – 76 votes (36%)
It’s a tie – 51 votes (24%)
I’ll try to come up with some more polls as there is still more to learn.