Arnold is going to be governor of California, but his previous experience was acting and he has a big task ahead of him balancing the budget. So I was thinking, “Hey! He needs my advice!” So here is some advice to Arnold to be the bestest governor since Ronald Reagan and close that budget gap:
* No more groping; people want decency from their governor. People are less attractive at the capitol than Hollywood anyway. And, though your wife is related to the Kennedys, she deserves your respect.
* People need to respect you. If someone makes fun of the way you talk, smash his head between your two massive hands while shouting, “Dah!” That will be a good warning to others.
* The LA Times is obviously biased against you, so storm their headquarters with an M60 and kill them all. They probably won’t like that, but they won’t be alive to give you biased, negative coverage of the event since they’ll be dead. NOTE: No one take this out of context and say I advised Arnold to murder a bunch of people. I’m telling him to kill journalists; leave the janitorial staff at the LA Times alone.
* You have to work with a Democrat legislature, and we all know they fear neither God nor man and wish the worst for everyone. When it comes time to vote on a budget you propose, run into the capitol and start throwing people around. This will intimidate them to vote your way.
* There are millions of illegal aliens in California, and they cost the taxpayers money. Since it’s too hard to go around and find out who is an illegal alien and who isn’t, just deport everyone in San Francisco.
* If you need more money, you could set up lemonade stands around your borders and sell to the states around you. Mmm… lemonade.
* To set the pace of budget cuts, whatever bureaucracy in California is wasting the most money, blow it up.
* Keep a dog with you at all times. If you are really successful, you may cause the downfall of the Democrats in the future. Thus, those future Democrats may send back a robot disguised as a man to kill you. Dogs are good at identifying those.
* I know you campaigned saying you’re for gun control, but come on; you’re Arnold. Liberalize laws on guns and then save money by cutting the police force in a program called “Shoot Your Own Damn Criminals”.
* The Indians have been having a free ride ever since we stole their land, enslaved them, and kept relocating them. It’s time to make their casinos pay their fair share.
* If people are going to reduce spending, you need to set an example for them, Arnold. Instead of storming into a room firing two guns at once, use only one.
* I’m usually not for taxes that target the rich, and I know you promised you wouldn’t raise them, but why not put a tax on Hollywood types who speak out for wacky causes. We’ll call it the “Being a Prick Tax”.
* Another tax idea: just like their are extra taxes on things we consider harmful like alcohol and cigarettes, being poor is a drain on the economy, so tax that.
* Finding a way to make all the money fit in California could be hard, so find a state that doesn’t have problems with their budget and set up a meeting with their governor. Then, when no one is looking, switch budgets. Muh ha ha ha!
* If all else fails, burn down California and collect the insurance money.