That was a special In My World™ since a muse suddenly grabbed me in a chokehold. There will be a regular one tomorrow about the Bush administration.
Archive of entries posted on 23rd March 2004
In My World: Yassin in Paradise
Yassin looked all about him at the splendor of Heaven. “Those joooos may have killed me, but now I am a martyr in Paradise!” he exclaimed. “And I can walk again! Praise Allah!” He then danced about.
There before him stood God. Yassin approached saying, “Allah, I…”
“Call me ‘sir'”, God said curtly.
“Sir, I have come for my rewards as a martyr.”
“Yeah, I like you martyrs,” God chuckled, “You guys are easy to handle.” God reached behind his podium and then produced a bowl which he handed to Yassin. “Here are your raisins.”
“Raisins?” Yassin said with confusion, “I thought I got virgins!”
“Nope, common misinterpretation,” God said, “The deal is 72 raisins for martyrdom– and you actually have 68 since I ate a few of them while you were dilly-dallying. You don’t mind sharing with the Creator of the universe, right?”
“No… I guess not.”
“Now, see that corner over there?” God asked as he pointed to a dark, dank corner nearby, “That’s where you go. I like to keep all the “martyrs” separate so you don’t talk all the time and pass notes.”
“Well, at least I can walk again,” Yassin said.
“No, you sit,” God commanded, “over in that corner and quietly eat your raisins… and try to nurse them a bit because you need to make them last all eternity.”
“What happens when they’re gone?” Yassin asked, now looking a little worried.
“You can do anything you want,” God told him, “as long as you stay in your corner, be quiet, and don’t move much.”
Dejected, Yassin walked over to his corner and sat down, staring a bit angrily at God. He then noticed a little hand pull away from his bowl of raisins.
“Ooh! Ooh!” said a monkey as it scampered off with a handful of Yassin’s raisins.
“That monkey stole some of my raisins!” Yassin shouted.
“That’s crazy talk,” God answered, “There are no monkeys in Heaven. You’re just trying to trick me into giving you more raisins. Well, the deal is 72, and that’s all you get. Now be quiet; I have someone else coming for his rewards in Heaven.”
An Israeli walked up to God. “Man, I just got blown up by a suicide bomber,” he complained.
“Sorry about that,” God said, “Those Palestinians sure love their raisins. Frankly, I spent a long time making grapes nice and tasty, and I have no idea why they want them shriveled up into little raisins. Anyway, I’ll make up your getting blown up with your rewards in Heaven.” God reached into a box. “What size t-shirt do you want.”
“I’ll take a large.”
“Here you go,” God said, handing over a t-shirt, “It says ‘Heaven: It’s a fun place to be.’ – I didn’t come up with the slogan – and that’s just the start of your rewards. Here’s a Rolex.”
The Israeli accepted the gold watch. “Wow! That’s a great watch!”
“Of course it is,” God said, “It’s a Rolex. Also, you get to pick a prize from one of the mystery boxes on that table over there.”
There was a table with three boxes marked with question marks labeled 1, 2, and 3. The Israeli studied them for a moment. “I’ll take box number three.”
God walked behind the box and carefully titled it up so he could see under. “Sorry, but there is nothing under this box… EXCEPT FOR THE KEYS TO A NEW SPORTS CAR!”
“Kickass!” the Israeli exclaimed as he took the keys, “I’m glad I picked that box!”
“Actually, they all had keys to sports cars under them,” God chuckled, “I just like doing that. Anyway, have a drive around Heaven and check out all the hotspots. Parking is free everywhere, by the way. And, if you need anything, just ask me; I’m omnipresent and you never should feel like you’re bothering me.”
“Thanks God!” the Israeli said with glee, “You’re the greatest!”
“I know,” God answered as he watched the Israeli run off.
Yassin sat in his corner and looked on the scene with anger. “That joooo got a t-shirt, a Rolex, and a sports car, and all I got was this lousy bowl of raisins.” A thought then struck Yassin. He raised his fist in the air while shouting, “Allah is a joooooo…”
A bumper slammed into Yassin, cutting him off mid “jooooooo!” “My back is broke!” Yassin screamed, “I’m a quadriplegic again!”
“Dude, I’m so sorry,” the Israeli exclaimed out the window of his sports car, “This is my first time using a stick-shift.”
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Kerry Wipes Out, Yassin Yassin Yassin, the Only Good Gorilla, and Writing Is Hard
- Protection on the Slopes: So Kerry was skiing in Idaho (Idaho! I don’t care how much he skis; he ain’t winning that state), and then fall downs when he runs into a Secret Service agent. Then he exclaims, “I don’t fall down!” and uses and expletive to describe the Secret Service Agent. Makes him seem a wee bit haughty. And why is the Secret Service skiing with him anyway? Why can’t they just post snipers to watch Kerry? Then, if a Secret Service agent caused Kerry to crash, Kerry would have a better excuse.
“I don’t fall; that son of a bitch shot me!”
And then you’d hear up in the trees, “My bad.” - He Did What?: Did you know that Kerry served in Vietnam?
- Permission Slips: So the Israelis kill Yassin, and some are pointing their fingers at the U.S. saying we gave the go ahead. Hey, we like the idea of other countries asking us before they do anything, but, since Israel has survived amidst people who want them dead for so long, we trust that they know what they’re doing. Kill who you want.
- So Let Me Guess – You Want to Kill Jews: So the Palestinians are like, “Kill joooos! Kill joooos!”
And then the Israelis kill Yassin and the Palestinians are like, “Kill joooos! Kill joooos!”
And the news services report, “Hamas Vows to Kill Jews”.
And it’s like, what’s changed? The Palestinians have been trying their hardest to kill Jews already, that they can’t really up the ante. I mean, the Israelis could kidnap Arafat, take him to the beach, and push him into the sea, and all the Palestinians could do is shake their tiny fists in impotent rage while shouting, “Kill joooos!”
The only one who can realistically threaten more violence is Israel, and, if that happens, there is going to be a major virgin shortage in paradise. - Bail!: I heard when Yassin got hit, his brain shot right out his skull. I hope my own brain is smart enough to try and save itself like that when the time comes.
- For Sale: One used wheelchair, slightly singed.
- What a Dick: So this Dick Clarke character is claiming the Bush administration has bungled the War on Terror and that Condi is some retard who never heard of al Qaeda and…
Know what, I think I’ll save that for tomorrow’s In My World™. - Happy Killers: Anti-depressants are a suicide risk? How does that work? Are you like really happy during plunge from the bridge?
- New Movie Trend: So The Passion of the Christ finally lost its top spot to Dawn of the Dead. I guess the popular movies now are ones where people come back to life. I think Dawn of the Dead has a different take on it, though.
- Monkey News I: A gorilla (scientific name gorilla gorilla) escaped from the zoo and hurt people. That’s scary! But there is a happy ending. The police shot the gorilla. Yay!
- Monkeys News II: I’ve always said humanity will end one of two ways: robots take over (ala Terminator) or monkeys take over (ala Planet of the Apes). Well, some fool scientist is trying to combine the two. Here is what you will now be seeing in your nightmares. I think this is enough cause to put a halt to all science until we further investigate that no one is causing the destruction of humanity.
- I Like It When People Talk About Why I’m Funny: Harvey (not the imaginary rabbit but the one who won the contest that never happened and shall not be mentioned again) analyzes one of my pieces to see why it is funny. I don’t agree with all the analysis, but that’s exactly the sort of serious piece I would like to do if I had more time. I don’t think you can actually get funnier by analyzing humor, but I just find it fun. Plus, I took a college class on the subject, so I’m super knowledgeable. Well, maybe later I’ll have some more Why Me Laugh™ pieces so we can all be scientifical.
- Bitch Bitch Bitch: Man, I’m trying to keep up the funny here while at same time trying to write two different novels. If I add in stealing Jonah Goldberg’s job on top of my regular job, I’m really stretching myself thin. I hope you all appreciate this. Oh! And buy my t-shirts!