1… 2… 3…
Now that I’ve done it, it seems so obvious. Why didn’t one of you suggest this before?
Originally, as my logo, I wanted a dolphin leaping out of water and getting struck by lightning, but I couldn’t make the image work.
Anyhoo, I have such great posts lined up for tomorrow that I wish I were you guys so I could read them and be surprised at their comic genius. Great to get them done too, because now I can watch my 24 in peace…
Archive of entries posted on 30th March 2004
I Do Not Find You Funny, Eh
From a Canadian (who helpfully censored himself):
Fu*k You!!!! Canada is by far the better country. You must be jealous you are not from God’s country. LOSER!
My response:
Please stop using America’s internet. We have lots of important business to do here, and Canadians simply are using up this important resource. Please spend more attention to the meese that are rampaging through your town.
Thank you,
Frank J.
Anyway, The Limey will be on tomorrow afternoon with an In My World™ in the morning. See ya then.
Whitler Writes
Whitler has the next chapter up of his current essay. I haven’t had a chance to read it yet, and, as always, if I find it’s no good after I do read it, I’ll just remove the link.
The Air Force by Wacky Hermit
Here’s a description I got of the Air Force from Wacky Hermit of Organic Baby Farm:
A few facts you should be aware of, should you decide to write an Air Force character into the In My World series:
The Air Force, known derisively as the Chair Force, is the branch of service best known for harboring smart people who really don’t want to get involved in combat. The minimum ASVAB score for enlisting in the Air Force is the highest of all the services. Except for the small percentage that are fighter pilots, Airmen don’t generally go directly into combat situations; instead they provide technical support such as radio communications, repair services, and logistical support. It is also relatively difficult to make rank in the Air Force, compared to other services, but it is easy to get medals. My husband spent eight years in the Air Force and had more medals than stripes. Many Airmen from one unit my hubby was in had a lot of free time when not being deployed, and many got hooked on porn. Thus your stereotypical enlisted Airman is not just a smartass, he’s a low-ranking smartass who’s just smart enough to resent the bureaucracy that’s keeping him down. Of stereotypical servicemen from all the branches, the Airman is the most likely to complain about the food and the boots and the mind-boggling stupidity of his fellow stereotypical servicemen. As for the small percentage who are fighter pilots, they have a reputation for being cocky beyond all reason, and thinking they are God’s gift to the world. Plus they are all officers, which means they go to college.
Because the Air Force originated as a branch of the Army (the Army Air Corps) and only became a separate branch after WWII, their strongest rivalry is with the Army. There is an old Air Force joke that goes as follows: an Army guy and an Air Force guy walk into a bathroom and use the urinals. After finishing, the Army guy goes to the sink to wash, while the Air Force guy starts to walk out the door. The Army guy indignantly calls after the Air Force guy, “You know, in the Army they teach us to wash our hands after we use the bathroom!” The Air Force guy says disdainfully, “In the Air Force, they teach us not to pee on our hands!”
True story from the Air Force: my husband spent some time in a unit that worked directly with Army guys. He reports that the Army guys had training manuals that were comic books. One illustration he described showed a bikini-clad woman pointing to a tank and saying, “This is a tank!”
Sounds like the Army need to respond to this one.
By the way, my grandfather on my mother’s side served in the Army Air Corps during World War II in a B-17 bomber and then later served in the Air Force when it came about (he was career military).
We civilians would certainly love more descriptions of branches of the military form the horse’s mouth, so keep e-mailing them to me. I’ll print the best ones.
You Seem Perturbed…
This picture from AP is just calling for a caption contest:
Seems symbolic of the Democrats and Bush when the Democrat primary was heated with Bush bashing but Bush didn’t respond.
BTW, I once went to a martial arts seminar where I learned to focus my chi to take blows like that. I was able to take a full punch to the stomach and throat just fine, but I wasn’t very good at taking the groin kick. That is not a fun thing to practice when you aren’t doing it well (bounce on your heels… bounce on your heels…)
Anyhoo, caption away in the comments section. Winner gets to gloat how he or she is the winner… and maybe something else if I’m feeling generous.
Fan Club Update
Jennifer has buttons for my fan club. I like the one with the gun…
Anyway, I think a button depicting a 1911 handgun and a katana would better represent me. As soon as I have good buttons, I’ll put up prominent links to my two fan clubs.
There is now a sign up sheet at Frank J. Fan Club number one! Sign up now to show your support!
Someone mentioned before that we should have secret decoder rings. I have an even better idea: the only provably secure encryption – one time pad. To people who sign up, I’ll send you your pads and then put up a secret message for Frank J. fans once or so a week telling you which pad to use to decrypt it. Any compromise in security will be dealt with harshly and then new pads will be issued.
Finally, I still need to come up with a great topic to write a column to unseat Goldberg – one topical but not too topical – so you fans should work on that. When I break my way into legitimate political punditry and become rich and famous, there will be a party for all Frank J. fan club charter members on my yacht. BYOB.
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Bush is Moving on Up, Ketchup Boycott, British Terror, You Got Me, New (Well, Old) Logo, and Electrocuted Monkeys
- Bush Go Up: Yay! Bush is gaining in the polls since people have started to learn that John Kerry sucks. This was inevitable as more people would hear Kerry talk. His haughty frenchness causes people to retch and vote Republican.
The CW is that this is going to be a close election, but I want a blow out. Then I’m going to Democratic Underground and imagine everyone’s heads exploding. - Ketchup on Our Hands: A reader Adam suggest boycotting Heinz to fight the John Kerry machine. That’s a tough call. Heinz is the ketchup, and I went to college in Pittsburgh where Heinz is one of the last industries there since the steel left. Still, each time we put that blood-like condiment on our burgers, we could be putting money into the hands of Kerry’s wife which might then be taken by John Kerry himself. Is moving to catsup the only option to stop John Kerry and his evil plans of evil? And what about French’s mustard? Will that be taken as implicit support of Kerry?
Politics is hard. I’m going to stick to eating jellybeans to show my support of Reagan.
UPDATE: The Heinz company denies involvement with John Kerry. - Explosions… Again: James Bond foiled a terrorist plot and found tons of explosives in the UK. Stupid terrorists; don’t they have any terror ideas that don’t involve explosions? Like, they could secretly put potholes in our roads at night.
“You will continue to see potholes infidels, unless you surrender to Islam and throw all your Jews into the sea… except for that Seinfeld guy; he makes us laugh.” - Testify!: Senators are still demanding for Condoleezza Rice to openly testify for the 9/11 hearings. I bet this is all strategery on her part to hype her testimony for when she finally gives in. Then her testimony will be so testacular that it will blow everyone away. And Richard Clarke will commit seppuku in disgrace while everyone turns against the Clinton administration and lynches them all.
Or, at least, that’s my political prediction. Everyone has their own.
UPDATE: My prediciton is coming true so far… - You Got Me I: A lot of you e-mailed me about Clinton’s ninja plan for terrorism, and, okay, you got me. I was a foreign policy advisor for the Clinton administration. You happy now? None of my ideas were ever used though, not even the preemptive strike against monkeys.
- The Loser Club: At Jonah “Lame-o” Goldberg’s Fan Club, Eric is taunting me because he thinks he can win Derbyshire’s support with a silly t-shirt. Bah! I’m now linked at Derbyshire’s homepage. Not even Jonah can say that. He’s going down!
- Logo Idea: For my fans (the smarter, cooler, more attractive fans) to discuss, I was thinking of making this the logo of IMAO:
What do y’all think? - You Got Me II: Fine. You got me again. I have a secret lab in Japan. And no, I won’t tell you what goes on there.
- Bushido: A man in the U.K. was sentenced to prison for stabbing an armed attacker to death with a samurai sword (what the story leaves out is that the guy with the sword is a drug dealer and stabbed the man in the back). Sometimes I almost wish guns were banned just so I would have to rely on a katana as defense. Right now, it just ain’t practical for me when I have the shotgun and handguns in easy reach. Such is modern life.
- Monkey News I: The Commie Chinese not only have a monkey king, but he is going to sully the national pastime of baseball. War!
- Monkey News II: Solution to monkey problem: don’t insulate your electrical wires. Then, as they jump from tree to tree, God will take care of them. God’s cool.
- Victory Is Mine!: Instapundit now correctly links to IMAO again. That reminds me: I haven’t been doing much with The Alliance as of late. I still plan on turning them into a giant media conglomerate to rival all others, but I’ll need to delegate more.
- More Coming: Big posting tomorrow as I’ll have a new In My World™ plus the new The Limey letter and response (as long as I get it all done before the return of 24 tonight). Also, I’ll have a few more posts today when I have time. Later, mo’fo’s.