I thought the entries for the caption contest were a little weak this go around. I guess cats at gunpoint or holding guns bring out the creative juices better. I liked my own entry pretty well; I can’t believe no one else thought of the South Park episode where Cartman introduced the concept of “RoShamBo”. Still, simplicity won the day, the one that produced the biggest chuckle being an old one from the schoolyard:
Welcome to Bangkok
Congratulation to Neo. I don’t have any prize idea for him, but everyone congratulate him the comments section.
NOW!
I’ve gotten a lot of e-mails about the military, and they’re mainly jokes bashing different branches. That’s cool, though, and I think I might want to do a regular feature of it as I love learning more about military culture and I’m sure a lot of others do. I’ll put up more tomorrow, and keep e-mailing me more jokes or your descriptions of a military branch (and make the subject “Military” to help me organize). And, I haven’t gotten to many jokes at the expense of the Marines so far (and I know there is a ton). Remember, even though a military joke may have been old back when George Washington said it, it’s probably new to us civilians.
Finally, I’ll have an update over the weekend on the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest. I’m leaning back towards not needing an IMAO t-shirt to qualify (but wear something; this is a family site).
Archive of entries posted on 31st March 2004
The Limey – Episode VII: Lime Another Day
STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank
Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC
Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room
Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour
Episode VI: Bloody Fascism
In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over. As always, swears as a noun have been replaced with “ronin”, as has the word “redneck.” F’ing, when an adjective, has been replaced with “dishonorable”. When it’s an adverb, it has been replaced with “crazy-cool”. F’d up has been replaced with “wacky-smacky”. The f-word as a verb has been replaced with “I challenge”. The s-word has been replaced with “diddly-doo”. Also, Rage Against the Machine lyrics have been edited to make them less ragey.
It’s been weeks since The Limey tried to crack the ignorant, redneck, American Frank, and he spent that time in thoughtful silence, contemplating exactly how to attack his nemesis as he ate his crumpets and drank his tea. Finally, he decided the time was right, and went to his keyboard to give his venom substance:
Well ronin it’s been over two weeks since I last emailed you to challenge the cancer that is capitalism. I bet you thought I wasn’t going to reply didn’t you, ronin! Yeah, well here I am you ronin I’m good at surprising people. It’s not difficult to surprise a right-wing lunatic like you – you’re so stupid! Do you think I’m going to fall for those emails you’ve been sending me about Swiss bank accounts? I’m too moral to fall for that, ronin. You wanted to see if I’m a hypocrite didn’t you. Well I’m not!
You keep referring to me as a friend, I realise that’s your sarcastic side coming out, but stop it. I’m amazed that ronin’s can be sarcastic. They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but the highest form of intelligence. I guess somebody’s telling you how to be sarcastic because you couldn’t possibly come up with that sarcasm on your own!
Where did you get this ludicrous impression that I don’t like Die Hard? I have Die Hard on video. I like it – even though it’s very stereotyped. Still, at least some conservative Americans get killed in that film.
XTREME ONE, Carl, Johnny Depp and the Spanish Militant are part of the Democratic left-of-centre coalition that I’ve formed. If you’re a democratic left-winger – you’re in. Environmentalists, feminists, socialists (of course!) and liberals are all in. I have a great deal of respect for anarchists because they are people who want to install democracy by ruthlessly crushing capitalism through dictatorial policies against the Right, so I am always open to including anarchists in the democratic left-wing coalition, ronin. You could never be a part of the left-of-centre coalition, ronin! You’re a ronin! You’re stupid! You’re dangerously right-wing! You don’t even know that the capital of Wales is Cardiff! In fact you don’t even know where Wales is! Just for the record, it’s a neighbouring country of England! The left-of-centre coalition will arrest the ronin George W. Bush and the evil Prime Minister Tony Blair and send them to Holland to stand trial for c! rimes against humanity during the 2001 Afghanistan War and that monstrous war in Iraq last year! And we’ll arrest you for racial hatred!
Once again Fascist McFascist doesn’t exist! If he does exist then maybe he could be one of the following…
Your evil President. George “redneck backwoodsman hick” W. Bush.
The man responsible for the loss of three million jobs in three years! The man who has killed fifty thousand people in Iraq! The man who tells regimes not to have weapons of mass destruction when his country uses them repeatedly! He is a fascist and a complete hypocrite! (Even though this has been well-documented many, many times, I thank Michael Moore for re-enforcing it in “Stupid White Men” and thank Rage Against the Machine’s two super songs “Sleep Now In The Fire” and “Guerrilla Radio” for exposing the evils of capitalism)
Ariel Sharon.
Tony Blair (Don’t get me started on this piece of diddly-doo!)
Silvio Burlusconi (Italy’s PM who backed last year’s war)
John Howard (ronin Australian conservative Prime Minister. Also backed last year’s war)
A right-wing Colombian politician (America supplies right-wing Colombians with lots of money)
or…
Fascist McFascist could be you!!!
A dishonorable ronin!
It would explain a lot!
As for a definition on “fascism”. Fascism is the suspension/removal/crushing of the individuals rights in relations with the state. It was founded by Benito Mussolini in Italy in 1919. Fascist regimes have been responsible for the deaths of millions of people over the years. The regimes in Germany from 1933-1945, the Italian regime from the 1920’s-1940s under Mussolini, the Franco regime from the 1930’s to the 1970’s, the Nixon regime in America, the Reagan regime, the Clinton regime and the Bush regimes are some of the worst fascist regimes in history. Fascist regimes target minorities, huge majorities and always the working class. The Hitler regime in particular targeted communists, socialists, Jews, travellers, gypsies, black people and gay people – and so has George W. Bush!
This man has further crushed freedom in America just like many of the Presidents before him. Rage Against the Machine said it the best on the song “Know Your Enemy” from their debut album in 1992. And yes I know George W. Bush wasn’t in power in 1992 – his old man was – but it’s still extremely relevant today, ronin!
RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE “Know Your Enemy” lyrics
What? The land of the free?
Whoever told you that is real happy.
Something must be done
About Democrats, a badger and a nun
‘Cause I’ll rip the mike, rip the stage, rip the system
And then I’ll have to get mommy to fix ’em
www.lyricscafe.com/r/rage_against.htm
I recommend you see a doctor. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again. You CAN get help for your mental illness! You’re crazy-cool disturbed! Wacky-smacky! Pass the word on to the other right-wing nutters you hang around with!
I CHALLENGE YOU RONIN!
American Frank carefully reads the long e-mail, constantly losing attention and staring at shiny things. Finally, he slowly pecks out a response. Has the limey finally broken the ignorant backwoodsman into full rage? Only his response will answer that question:
Limey! Man, I missed you! I’m so surprised! I had just finished the knot on my noose, and then here comes the limey to brighten my day!
Sorry about trying to trick you with those Swiss bank accounts [Ed. Note: I have no frig’n clue what he’s talking about], but that was just to get back at you for showing up at my doorstep in a gorilla costume. I was so scared!
BTW, did you try any of my delimification suggestions? It doesn’t sound like you did, but some people just have to be limey I suppose. I guess God just made you that way, limey.
“Let there be Limey!”
I don’t mean to sound sarcastic; I just have this disorder that makes it sound like I’m sarcastic… really! You’re my bestest limey friend… the bestest ever! I love all the things I learn from you, and I hope you learn lots from my redneck ways. This is like a super cultural exchange – like when the Spaniards slaughtered the Aztecs!
I’m glad to hear you like Die Hard, limey; that movie kicked ass! Yippee kiyay Mother… shut your mouth! Heh heh. You should know, though, limey, that no conservative Americans actually died, because it was movie. Movies are make-believe just like your friends XTREME ONE, Carl, Johnny Depp, and the Spanish Militant.
It’s neat though how you have your army of one to fight for your left wing causes, limey. Do you do most of your fighting through e-mails, or do you sometimes hand out leaflets? You should be careful of those anarchists, though. They’ll turn against democracy because they’re… well… anarchists. And I know where Wales are, you silly limey; they’re in the ocean with the dolphins.
You’re going to arrest me for racial hatred? You’re so silly, limey. If you want to play cops and robbers, I’ll bring the guns, though. “Bang bang! You’ll never take me alive coppers! I’ll hate races and there’s nothing you can do!” That will be fun.
Stop saying Fascist McFascist doesn’t exist, because that is not true, limey. He had an uneventful childhood in Fascistan, then worked at an auto parts store in early adulthood, and finally became the cold hearted dictator of Fascistan through force. He also then produced Rage Against the Machine to sell music to gullible limeys.
That’s an interesting list of fascists you got there, limey. Out of curiosity, is there anyone who isn’t a fascist? I met this guy once who helped jump start my car; I think he might not have been a fascist. I think all cats are, though.
Hitler didn’t like travelers? Wow! I learn such interesting things from you, limey! So, how much traveling did you have to do to have Hitler put you in a concentration camp? Like, I usually visit my family in Idaho twice a year; does that make me a traveler.
And it’s interesting you think Bush is against the Jews; most ranters here say the Jews are controlling his agenda and making him help Israel (it was funny when that man in the wheelchair caught a missile; that’s one more handicapped parking spot freed up). You have such unique rants, limey. You’re right about the anti-gypsy Bush agenda, though. There passing laws against gypsies every other day, and almost everyone is blaming everything here on the gypsies. It’s crazy!
Wow! Those Rage Against the What-not lyrics really spoke to me, limey. I feel like a new man, now. But you should see some of the lyrics to this song, though, that speak about how capitalism crushes all else:
They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning,
No one you see, is smarter than he,
And we know Flipper, lives in a world full of wonder,
Flying there under, under the sea!
Everyone loves the king of the sea,
Ever so kind and gentle is he,
Tricks he will do when children appear,
And how they laugh when he’s near!
They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning,
No-one you see, is smarter than he,
And we know Flipper, lives in a world full of wonder,
Flying there-under, under the sea!
http://home.att.net/~tvthemelyrics/flipper.htm
Think about it, man. Really reflect on it.
Well, don’t take so long to respond again; you’re the bestest limey around and turn my frowns upside-down.
Cordially,
American Frank
P.S. Have you tried taking the pills the doctor gives you along with food? That might help stop the constipation that makes you so crotchety.
Wanker.
Will The Limey continue undaunted, or will American Frank’s carefully chosen music lyrics show him the light. Will American Frank finally break down and become a Rage Against the Machine fan? Find out in the next episode of…
THE LIMEY!
Brainteaser
I’m the answer to part of Derbyshire’s brainteaser today (sort of, I’ll be x for part of x^2 and then turn x+1 in June of x^2). What year was I born? (ahh, anyone paying attention already knows that)
Can anyone find a positive to the third part of his brainteaser? I couldn’t on a quick scan through.
BTW, I also like his engineer joke today. There’s been a debate in The Corner on whether engineers are generally liberal, and I sent an e-mail to Jonah Goldbeg telling him that not only am I an engineer and a conservative, I’m going to steal his job.
In My World: Campaign Preparations
On a sunny morning, hundreds of people surrounded Karl Rove’s house. “Karl Rove doesn’t have a soul!” they started to chant, but then the sky darkened.
“That’s not a rain cloud,” one of the protestors slowly observed, “It’s… LOCUSTS!”
The protestors screamed in terror as the bugs swarmed them.
“Ahh! Boils!” yelled another.
The front door to Rove’s abode swung open. At the entryway stood the cloaked figure of Karl Rove.
“Are you coming out to listen to us?” asked one of the protestors hopefully as he ducked the insects.
“Die!” Rove shouted as he shot lightning from his fingertips.
“How was you morning, Rover?” Bush asked as Karl Rove sat down at the meeting table.
“Our concern is the campaign,” Rove answered.
“Right-o,” Bush answered, “I’m making sure we have things together to fight that stupid John Kerry. You should see his new commercial.”
Bush turned on the T.V., and on screen was John Kerry. “Hi, I’m Senator Kerry,” he said in a very haughty, French-like way, “and I’m a man of the people. Isn’t that true, Jeeves?”
“Whatever you say, sir,” Kerry’s butler answered.
“Some may not like how I keep mentioning how I was active in the unpopular war in Vietnam, but I would like you to know that I served in Vietnam… before I served against it.”
A picture of Kerry the Vietnam protestor appeared on screen.
“That’s just how nuanced I am, and nuance is a good thing. If you’re smart, you’d know that.”
The end graphic then appeared saying, “John Kerry 2004: His positions on issues are whatever you think they are.”
“I just got a great new ad out today, though, in response,” Bush said as he hit a button on the remote.
On screen was Governor Schwarzenegger seated at a desk. “I am Arnold!” he screamed. “John Kerry is puny! Bush will crush him! You will vote for Bush or you are puny! I will crush you!” He then knocked over his desk. “I am Arnold!”
The end graphic then appeared saying, “George W. Bush 2004: I am Arnold!”
“I liked his enthusiasm,” Dick Cheney remarked, “but we might want to rethink that a little.”
“What about my ad idea?” Rumsfeld asked.
“The one where you threaten that after the election you’ll bomb any state that hadn’t given its electoral votes to Bush?” Condoleezza Rice asked.
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” Rove uttered.
“We could bomb Massachusetts now to show we’re serious,” Rumsfeld suggested.
“That’s not really the issue, Rummy,” Bush told him softly, “See, you come off as a little harsh.”
“Who thinks that?” Rumsfeld demanded, “I’ll kill them!”
“See, that the problem,” Bush continued, “You need to tone the violence down… and no more strangling.”
“Hey, sometimes I squeeze my hands together,” Rumsfeld said defensively, “If someone happens to put his neck between them at the time, that’s his problem.”
“We really need to make you appear kindler and gentler,” Bush asserted, “I know I just joked about it at the Radio and Television Correspondents Association Dinner, but would you consider appearing on an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?”
The Secret Service was able to grab Rumsfeld just in time before he completely leaped across the table and got his hands around Bush’s neck. After he was dragged out, the meeting continued. “It is important for everyone to be on their best behavior,” Rove intoned, “That especially goes for John Ashcroft.”
“Yeah, whatcha been up ta, Ash?” Bush asked.
“Well, golly gosh, let me think,” Ashcroft said, “Today we found two suspicious looking people – yep, quite suspicious they were – and then we declared them enemy combatants and threw them down a dark hole, we did. Then we forgot where that hole was, by golly.”
“Be careful with stuff like that,” Bush said, “We don’t want people saying we’re abusing civil rights before the election. And make sure you keep the ATF under control.”
“Jeepers, I’ve been doing my best on that,” Ashcroft responded, “I even have the head of the ATF, Psycho Stan, here to tell us how relaxed he’s been.”
“I ain’t killed no one in three hours,” Psycho Stan said, “I don’t like this. I liked that other Attorney General, Reno, better; now there was a man who let us kill and burn stuff.”
“No excessive violence,” Bush commanded.
Psycho Stan growled and then stood up. “I need to get going.”
“Not to kill people and burn down buildings, right?” Bush asked.
“Always asking me questions,” Psycho Stan grumbled as he walked out of the room while chambering a round in his handgun.
“So what’s next?” Bush mused aloud.
“There is the impending testimony of the one known as Condoleezza,” Rove answered.
“Yeah, Condi, you have to do a good job with your testimony before the 9/11 commission,” Bush told her, “They didn’t appreciate your videotaped testimony.”
“Why?” Condi asked innocently.
“Yeah, that pretty much confirms it; it’s just five minutes of her giving us the finger.”
“They said it was ‘disrespectful’,” Bush answered, “and we’ll need you to do some commercials for the campaign because it will really help to have a minority woman in some.”
“Uh, hello,” Elaine Chao interrupted.
“What?” Bush asked.
“I’m also a minority woman.”
Bush laughed and rolled his eyes. “Asian isn’t a minority.” He then whispered to Laura was seated next to him, “Who is she?”
“She’s your Secretary of Labor, dear.”
“Oh, I thought she was my dry cleaner,” Bush chuckled.
“I heard that, you racist bastard!” Chao shouted.
Bush put his hands in front of his face protectively. “It was an honest mistake! Don’t use your ninjitsu on me!”
“Argh!” Chao shouted before storming out of the room.
“Is it possible we can have Bush not talk anymore before the election?” Cheney asked Rove.
“Unfortunately, there are the debates,” Rove answered.
“And, if the questions are too hard, I can’t just fake a heart attack like you,” Bush said derisively to Cheney.
“I don’t need to fake one,” Cheney answered indignantly.
“Let’s see,” Bush mused aloud, “Who else could do commercials.”
“Could I do one?” Scott McClellan asked.
“If you’re good, I’ll let you get coffee for the stagehands,” Bush answered. He then looked to Colin Powell. “Some of the left like you because you’re a wuss. Maybe you could do some commercials, but Condi will hurt you if you step too far out of line.”
“It’s not that I step out of line,” Powell said, “so much as I add multiple facets to… AHHH!”
Condi twisted Powell’s arm behind his back. “Yeah, she’ll hurt you like that,” Bush said.
“What we need our more commercials with your wife,” Rove stated, “It appeals to families and the weak hearted.”
“I’m going to have to ask for a raise then,” Laura said.
“But honey!” Bush whined.
“I’ve seen your war chest,” Laura answered, “You can afford it.” She then turned to Rove. “And, I don’t know who writes these things, but can you give my husband easier words to say than ‘ entrepreneurial’?”
“You’re embarrassing me,” Bush squealed.
“I’m just looking out for your interests, dear.”
Powell made a whipping sound.
“Ahh… even Colin is making fun of me,” Bush groaned.
“I think we have a good start for the campaign for your reelection,” Rove stated, “The elders will be pleased.”
“And, if things aren’t working out,” Bush said, “There is always the All-Purpose Plan B.”
“No rap music video!” Cheney shouted, and then grumbled to himself, “Idiot.”