Protection on the Slopes: So Kerry was skiing in Idaho (Idaho! I don’t care how much he skis; he ain’t winning that state), and then fall downs when he runs into a Secret Service agent. Then he exclaims, “I don’t fall down!” and uses and expletive to describe the Secret Service Agent. Makes him seem a wee bit haughty. And why is the Secret Service skiing with him anyway? Why can’t they just post snipers to watch Kerry? Then, if a Secret Service agent caused Kerry to crash, Kerry would have a better excuse.
“I don’t fall; that son of a bitch shot me!”
And then you’d hear up in the trees, “My bad.”
Permission Slips: So the Israelis kill Yassin, and some are pointing their fingers at the U.S. saying we gave the go ahead. Hey, we like the idea of other countries asking us before they do anything, but, since Israel has survived amidst people who want them dead for so long, we trust that they know what they’re doing. Kill who you want.
So Let Me Guess – You Want to Kill Jews: So the Palestinians are like, “Kill joooos! Kill joooos!”
And then the Israelis kill Yassin and the Palestinians are like, “Kill joooos! Kill joooos!”
And the news services report, “Hamas Vows to Kill Jews”.
And it’s like, what’s changed? The Palestinians have been trying their hardest to kill Jews already, that they can’t really up the ante. I mean, the Israelis could kidnap Arafat, take him to the beach, and push him into the sea, and all the Palestinians could do is shake their tiny fists in impotent rage while shouting, “Kill joooos!”
The only one who can realistically threaten more violence is Israel, and, if that happens, there is going to be a major virgin shortage in paradise.
Bail!: I heard when Yassin got hit, his brain shot right out his skull. I hope my own brain is smart enough to try and save itself like that when the time comes.
For Sale: One used wheelchair, slightly singed.
What a Dick: So this Dick Clarke character is claiming the Bush administration has bungled the War on Terror and that Condi is some retard who never heard of al Qaeda and…
Know what, I think I’ll save that for tomorrow’s In My World™.
Happy Killers: Anti-depressants are a suicide risk? How does that work? Are you like really happy during plunge from the bridge?
New Movie Trend: So The Passion of the Christ finally lost its top spot to Dawn of the Dead. I guess the popular movies now are ones where people come back to life. I think Dawn of the Dead has a different take on it, though.
Monkey News I: A gorilla (scientific name gorilla gorilla) escaped from the zoo and hurt people. That’s scary! But there is a happy ending. The police shot the gorilla. Yay!
Monkeys News II: I’ve always said humanity will end one of two ways: robots take over (ala Terminator) or monkeys take over (ala Planet of the Apes). Well, some fool scientist is trying to combine the two. Here is what you will now be seeing in your nightmares. I think this is enough cause to put a halt to all science until we further investigate that no one is causing the destruction of humanity.
I Like It When People Talk About Why I’m Funny: Harvey (not the imaginary rabbit but the one who won the contest that never happened and shall not be mentioned again) analyzes one of my pieces to see why it is funny. I don’t agree with all the analysis, but that’s exactly the sort of serious piece I would like to do if I had more time. I don’t think you can actually get funnier by analyzing humor, but I just find it fun. Plus, I took a college class on the subject, so I’m super knowledgeable. Well, maybe later I’ll have some more Why Me Laugh™ pieces so we can all be scientifical.
Bitch Bitch Bitch: Man, I’m trying to keep up the funny here while at same time trying to write two different novels. If I add in stealing Jonah Goldberg’s job on top of my regular job, I’m really stretching myself thin. I hope you all appreciate this. Oh! And buy my t-shirts!
What if the Israelis kidnap Arafat and dress him in a child-like sailor suit and clown make up and then make him dance to polka music? What would the Palestinians do then?
The Palestininas have got to try a new angle. I recommend that they borrow a page from that Queer Eye show. They could go in calling all the Israelis “Darling” and suggest that they could be better looking if they made a few small changes.
Why am I babbling this stuff here when I could be writing it for my site?
I gotta go.
Did you notice the headline on the gorilla article? It says “Dallas police shoot dead escaped gorilla.” I might be the only one who finds this funny but… I’d like to see how a dead gorilla escapes. And why the cops felt the need to shoot a dead gorilla. (Insert texan joke here. –I know, I know, I’m just jealous of their lax gun laws)
Nate:
You’ll notice that Frank also mentioned the trend toward the rising from the dead thing. Maybe that explains teh gorilla. I hope the cops shot it in the head, that usually stops zombies.
Frank J gives Yassin’s death his typical sensitive treatment: * Bail!: I heard when Yassin got hit, his brain shot right out his skull. I hope my own brain is smart enough to try and save itself like that when…
Frankly Nate I’m surprised a dozen heavily armed citizens didn’t just go ahead and unload on the gorilla before the cops showed up. I always carry concealed at the zoo.
Wait, maybe they did? That would certainly explain the headline.
Not that the guy analyzing the post isn’t technically right, but we should all remember the age old saying…
“Analyzing a joke is like dissecting a monkey. You can learn from it, but it tends to kill the monkey.”
(I believe the original line said “…like dissecting a pig” – I changed it cause…well, I figured the mental image of a dissected monkey would brighten the day of people who read it.)
“I don’t fall down!” and uses and expletive to describe the Secret Service Agent.
I had to read the whole article just to make sure this wasn’t a joke. It wasn’t. What a jerk. If it had happened to Bush, you can bet he would have laughed it off with a joke about how “these guys really do like to stay close to me.”
If a gorilla came back from the dead and attacked Arafat, then that would prove wrong Frank’s assertion that the only good gorilla is a dead gorilla… or… wait — if it “cam back from the dead”, would it still, technically, be a dead gorilla?
A gorilla who comes back from the dead is no longer a true gorilla. An undead Gorilla can be a democrat or a green peace activist, thus no long evil but just stupid. The is one known case of of a semi living undead gorilla living in England under the name of Limey. But anyway the movie would be a hit.
Watched the movie at stopkerry.com. Wow!! Very well done. Worth repeating. Shame the Republican Attack Machine won’t use it.
The Catsup Queen would wet all over herself!!
Frank:
The line about the virgin shortage was the funniest thing I have read in years. Excellent!
Folks in the office gathered round the monitor to see what I was laughing at. Hilarity ensued.
M
yeah…that one was good. One of my favorite passtimes is to think of the looks on their faces when they get to the afterlife and find out how wrong they were.
“What…no virgins? what is that pitchfork for?….hey….back off buddy…..i thought i got to do the eternal raping around here!….AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”
adam
it’s a good thing the Secret Service guys aren’t at petulant as Kerry is or they’d all go away and sulk after he called them all names for simple accidents…
Palestinian wheelchairs — the Ford Pinto’s of the Middle East. Just heard Ralph Nader is writing a book about Hamas wheelchairs –“Unsafe at any Speed.”
If the gorila came back to life and molested Arafat (or dressed him in a clown suit) it would prove that a dead gorila is, in fact, a good gorila and Frank would be vindicated. After all, zombies are not really living as much as they are animated dead things. Any one who has seen a zombie of any type (undead human, couch potato, actor/politico) knows that they have no life.
Sorry, I have just been informed by one of my psychics that couch potatos are not zombies. They define zombies as “living dead” whereas couch potatos are “the dead living”.
Frank,
You have an error in your ‘Bitch Bitch Bitch’ section. You say you are trying to steal Jonah’s job – nonsense! You are simply negotiating for a ‘Right Of Return’ to a job that is rightfully YOURS in the first place!
After all, one of your ancestors, long ago, wrote articles, and was obviously wrongfully forced out of that position and now this Goldberg person is wrongfully occupying YOUR position!
It’s only fair, after all…You deserve a Right Of Return to YOUR job!! (Perhaps we should form the Hamandswiss organization to help agitate for your rights?)
Orion
Ya, know they get all crazy mad when we show pictures of dead people on tv, and on line. Here they are showing pictures (rather gross ones too) and where is the out rage? Ah well, need to finish that burger and stare at some more pictures (decideing which one I should make as my wall paper on my work computer, that will teach em’ to use my machine with out asking)
Call me an ignorant 18 yr old yank but I don’t get why people piss and moan over Israel when they fight back. . . (I know there are “innocents” and such. . . but . .) From as much as I know Palestine wants to kill all the Jews and turn Israel into an islamic state? (wtf?) If I was Israel I would of strafed the tens of thousands protesting in the streets. .
P.S. Thanks for the pic of Yassin 😉
Poll,
ah – a serious point !
“From as much as I know Palestine wants to kill all the Jews and turn Israel into an islamic state? ”
not all of them – Arafat accepts the 2 state solution. Its true most of Hamas does want to reverse 1948 Israel’s annexation of Palestine (2/3 Pal arab at the time) – its often claimed they “want to kill all the Jews” but I’m not sure thats true either (historically although there have been occasional terrible attacks on Jews in Muslim countries they have been treated far better than in Europe).
Its moot whether a Palestinian state would be Islamic too – the PLO was secular and many Pals are Christian.
at this stage of course I would not suggest that Israel should not exist where it does now – 2 wrongs don’t make a right.
My hope is that if ever Israel offers the Pals a fair deal then hate on both sides will whither away ( and it is both sides check Ovadia Yosef: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/1270038.stm )
when Israel offers the Pals a fair deal then the PA will have the popular support to clamp down on Hamas and the anger that fuels its recruitment will cease.
And no the Barak oo-so-generous offer was not a fair deal – it was less than half of the Occupied Territores, themselves only 22% of palestine, divided into non-contiguous bantustans – NOT a viable state.
Israel rejected the road map peace treaty refusing to meet its main commitment : to halt its ongoing seizure of Palestinian land never mind remove the illegal settlements at the heart of where the Palestinian state will have to be.
whereas the Palestinians accepted it without reservation and obtained a ceasefire (despite the fact the RM was slanted towards Israel)
Straight away Israel announced 14 reservations http://www.us-israel.org/jsource/Peace/road1.html
basically refusing to meet any of its commitments.
Sharon then rejected the road map on the 31st July announcing he’d continue his land grab of Pal land in defiance of the road map. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/08/01/world/main566251.shtml
and http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/3115325.stm
if Bush has clamped down on Israeli violations like he said he would (he earlier said he’d “ride herd” to ensure Israel and the Pals met their commitments http://www.jerusalemites.org/news/english/jun2003/5a.htm ) then many Israelis and Pals would be alive today.
The IDF then assassinated a string of Hamas/IJ leaders on Aug 8 and 14 which provoked, as Sharon must have realised, the August 19 suicide bombing (which I regard as not justifiable but certainly inevitable given Sharon’s actions) http://wwww.reliefweb.int/w/rwb.nsf/0/0295d04c6f0aa376c1256d7c004b2fbf?OpenDocument
and http://www.unhchr.ch/Huridocda/Huridoca.nsf/(Symbol)/E.CN.4.2004.G.7.En?Opendocument
and http://www.guardian.co.uk/israel/Story/0,2763,1018928,00.html
I’ve been blocked for making these comments from the rogerlsimon board on the grounds of “racial incitement” !!
lets hope a moderate such as myself (who opposes and is appaled by terror but does not accept the Israel is 100% right and perfect agenda) is not prevented from a frank discussion of the middle east conflict on this board
Glad ya liked the analysis, Frank. At this point I think I’ll claim to have deliberately inserted the wrong parts just to get your attention.
Actually, the whole thing was just an excuse to get brownie points whilst kicking the French around a little.
What if the Israelis kidnap Arafat and dress him in a child-like sailor suit and clown make up and then make him dance to polka music? What would the Palestinians do then?
The Palestininas have got to try a new angle. I recommend that they borrow a page from that Queer Eye show. They could go in calling all the Israelis “Darling” and suggest that they could be better looking if they made a few small changes.
Why am I babbling this stuff here when I could be writing it for my site?
I gotta go.
Did you notice the headline on the gorilla article? It says “Dallas police shoot dead escaped gorilla.” I might be the only one who finds this funny but… I’d like to see how a dead gorilla escapes. And why the cops felt the need to shoot a dead gorilla. (Insert texan joke here. –I know, I know, I’m just jealous of their lax gun laws)
A dancing, sailor outfit-clad Yasser Arafat in clown make-up….horrifying! But a damn funny image. Especially if he keeps the head rag.
Nate:
You’ll notice that Frank also mentioned the trend toward the rising from the dead thing. Maybe that explains teh gorilla. I hope the cops shot it in the head, that usually stops zombies.
What are you bitching about, you said taking Goldberg’s job wouldn’t require much. He only writes one column a week.
A Hamas Hit Squad is En Route to Florida
Frank J gives Yassin’s death his typical sensitive treatment: * Bail!: I heard when Yassin got hit, his brain shot right out his skull. I hope my own brain is smart enough to try and save itself like that when…
Frankly Nate I’m surprised a dozen heavily armed citizens didn’t just go ahead and unload on the gorilla before the cops showed up. I always carry concealed at the zoo.
Wait, maybe they did? That would certainly explain the headline.
Not that the guy analyzing the post isn’t technically right, but we should all remember the age old saying…
“Analyzing a joke is like dissecting a monkey. You can learn from it, but it tends to kill the monkey.”
(I believe the original line said “…like dissecting a pig” – I changed it cause…well, I figured the mental image of a dissected monkey would brighten the day of people who read it.)
“I don’t fall down!” and uses and expletive to describe the Secret Service Agent.
I had to read the whole article just to make sure this wasn’t a joke. It wasn’t. What a jerk. If it had happened to Bush, you can bet he would have laughed it off with a joke about how “these guys really do like to stay close to me.”
Now if the Gorilla comes back from the dead,then attacks Arafat, who will make the movie?
If a gorilla came back from the dead and attacked Arafat, then that would prove wrong Frank’s assertion that the only good gorilla is a dead gorilla… or… wait — if it “cam back from the dead”, would it still, technically, be a dead gorilla?
A gorilla who comes back from the dead is no longer a true gorilla. An undead Gorilla can be a democrat or a green peace activist, thus no long evil but just stupid. The is one known case of of a semi living undead gorilla living in England under the name of Limey. But anyway the movie would be a hit.
Watched the movie at stopkerry.com. Wow!! Very well done. Worth repeating. Shame the Republican Attack Machine won’t use it.
The Catsup Queen would wet all over herself!!
Frank:
The line about the virgin shortage was the funniest thing I have read in years. Excellent!
Folks in the office gathered round the monitor to see what I was laughing at. Hilarity ensued.
M
yeah…that one was good. One of my favorite passtimes is to think of the looks on their faces when they get to the afterlife and find out how wrong they were.
“What…no virgins? what is that pitchfork for?….hey….back off buddy…..i thought i got to do the eternal raping around here!….AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”
adam
A longtime adviser recently suggested that there were two John Kerrys: “indoor John and outdoor John” — And they both give me the shits!
it’s a good thing the Secret Service guys aren’t at petulant as Kerry is or they’d all go away and sulk after he called them all names for simple accidents…
Monkey News II — “Take your paws off me, you damn stinking monkey robot!”
Palestinian wheelchairs — the Ford Pinto’s of the Middle East. Just heard Ralph Nader is writing a book about Hamas wheelchairs –“Unsafe at any Speed.”
If the gorila came back to life and molested Arafat (or dressed him in a clown suit) it would prove that a dead gorila is, in fact, a good gorila and Frank would be vindicated. After all, zombies are not really living as much as they are animated dead things. Any one who has seen a zombie of any type (undead human, couch potato, actor/politico) knows that they have no life.
Sorry, I have just been informed by one of my psychics that couch potatos are not zombies. They define zombies as “living dead” whereas couch potatos are “the dead living”.
“I think Dawn of the Dead has a different take on it, though.”
I’m not sure why, but that is just flat-out hilarious.
Frank,
You have an error in your ‘Bitch Bitch Bitch’ section. You say you are trying to steal Jonah’s job – nonsense! You are simply negotiating for a ‘Right Of Return’ to a job that is rightfully YOURS in the first place!
After all, one of your ancestors, long ago, wrote articles, and was obviously wrongfully forced out of that position and now this Goldberg person is wrongfully occupying YOUR position!
It’s only fair, after all…You deserve a Right Of Return to YOUR job!! (Perhaps we should form the Hamandswiss organization to help agitate for your rights?)
Orion
1The Israelis were really after the wheelchair.
Yassin was just collateral damage.
MonkeyPants
Imperial Minion
Ya, know they get all crazy mad when we show pictures of dead people on tv, and on line. Here they are showing pictures (rather gross ones too) and where is the out rage? Ah well, need to finish that burger and stare at some more pictures (decideing which one I should make as my wall paper on my work computer, that will teach em’ to use my machine with out asking)
For Sale: One used wheelchair, slightly singed.”
I laughed so hard at that, I think one of my staples popped out.
Thanks Frank.
Call me an ignorant 18 yr old yank but I don’t get why people piss and moan over Israel when they fight back. . . (I know there are “innocents” and such. . . but . .) From as much as I know Palestine wants to kill all the Jews and turn Israel into an islamic state? (wtf?) If I was Israel I would of strafed the tens of thousands protesting in the streets. .
P.S. Thanks for the pic of Yassin 😉
Poll,
ah – a serious point !
“From as much as I know Palestine wants to kill all the Jews and turn Israel into an islamic state? ”
not all of them – Arafat accepts the 2 state solution. Its true most of Hamas does want to reverse 1948 Israel’s annexation of Palestine (2/3 Pal arab at the time) – its often claimed they “want to kill all the Jews” but I’m not sure thats true either (historically although there have been occasional terrible attacks on Jews in Muslim countries they have been treated far better than in Europe).
Its moot whether a Palestinian state would be Islamic too – the PLO was secular and many Pals are Christian.
at this stage of course I would not suggest that Israel should not exist where it does now – 2 wrongs don’t make a right.
My hope is that if ever Israel offers the Pals a fair deal then hate on both sides will whither away ( and it is both sides check Ovadia Yosef: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/1270038.stm )
when Israel offers the Pals a fair deal then the PA will have the popular support to clamp down on Hamas and the anger that fuels its recruitment will cease.
And no the Barak oo-so-generous offer was not a fair deal – it was less than half of the Occupied Territores, themselves only 22% of palestine, divided into non-contiguous bantustans – NOT a viable state.
Israel rejected the road map peace treaty refusing to meet its main commitment : to halt its ongoing seizure of Palestinian land never mind remove the illegal settlements at the heart of where the Palestinian state will have to be.
whereas the Palestinians accepted it without reservation and obtained a ceasefire (despite the fact the RM was slanted towards Israel)
Straight away Israel announced 14 reservations http://www.us-israel.org/jsource/Peace/road1.html
basically refusing to meet any of its commitments.
Sharon then rejected the road map on the 31st July announcing he’d continue his land grab of Pal land in defiance of the road map.
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/08/01/world/main566251.shtml
and
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/3115325.stm
if Bush has clamped down on Israeli violations like he said he would (he earlier said he’d “ride herd” to ensure Israel and the Pals met their commitments http://www.jerusalemites.org/news/english/jun2003/5a.htm ) then many Israelis and Pals would be alive today.
The IDF then assassinated a string of Hamas/IJ leaders on Aug 8 and 14 which provoked, as Sharon must have realised, the August 19 suicide bombing (which I regard as not justifiable but certainly inevitable given Sharon’s actions)
http://wwww.reliefweb.int/w/rwb.nsf/0/0295d04c6f0aa376c1256d7c004b2fbf?OpenDocument
and
http://www.unhchr.ch/Huridocda/Huridoca.nsf/(Symbol)/E.CN.4.2004.G.7.En?Opendocument
and
http://www.guardian.co.uk/israel/Story/0,2763,1018928,00.html
I’ve been blocked for making these comments from the rogerlsimon board on the grounds of “racial incitement” !!
lets hope a moderate such as myself (who opposes and is appaled by terror but does not accept the Israel is 100% right and perfect agenda) is not prevented from a frank discussion of the middle east conflict on this board
Glad ya liked the analysis, Frank. At this point I think I’ll claim to have deliberately inserted the wrong parts just to get your attention.
Actually, the whole thing was just an excuse to get brownie points whilst kicking the French around a little.
Is it just me or did Yassin bear an uncanny resemblance to Saruman the White?? Hmmmmm?
Road Map To Peace
Yassin was old and deaf and blind;
they said he was the deadly kind.
So in self-defense strategic
they blew up a quadriplegic.