Jennifer has buttons for my fan club. I like the one with the gun…
Anyway, I think a button depicting a 1911 handgun and a katana would better represent me. As soon as I have good buttons, I’ll put up prominent links to my two fan clubs.
There is now a sign up sheet at Frank J. Fan Club number one! Sign up now to show your support!
Someone mentioned before that we should have secret decoder rings. I have an even better idea: the only provably secure encryption – one time pad. To people who sign up, I’ll send you your pads and then put up a secret message for Frank J. fans once or so a week telling you which pad to use to decrypt it. Any compromise in security will be dealt with harshly and then new pads will be issued.
Finally, I still need to come up with a great topic to write a column to unseat Goldberg – one topical but not too topical – so you fans should work on that. When I break my way into legitimate political punditry and become rich and famous, there will be a party for all Frank J. fan club charter members on my yacht. BYOB.
First Post!
Grrrr….
A good topical subject that you have already written about in the past is America’s international relationships. That’s a big issue in the campaign what with all the foreign leaders supporting the frenchie guy.
There’s only one really good and needed topic for a right thinking person’s article. You must write about the threat of Chicago and all of its evil. My spies over there will be happy to pass important facts to you so you can be right and everything. Trust me, this will get you a job at any respectible writing place.
BYOB? You won’t supply us with baboons?
Bummer.
Hey, what do you have against that wrestler guy? I keep seeing this stuff about you taking down Goldberg, but he is a pretty big guy, and he hits people with chairs. Be careful Frank, it would be hard to type with a broken arm, and that would leave a bunch of disgruntled fans who would have no recourse but to riot and beat up some hippies. And everyone knows rioting is naughty.
Last night I was watching Stargate, and this blond chick (Major Carter) was kidnapped when a bunch of ninjas suddenly drove up in a white van and pulled her inside kicking and punching and screaming. Then the homeless dude that saw the scene whispered in a frightened voice, “Ninjas…” For some reason I thought of you, Frank.
I’m glad people see me as homeless and muttering about ninjas.
LibertyBob,
Why don’t you do something about Chicago?
You should do a column about how lame NR is with Goldberg columns, and how their readership will expand into the billions once you become a regular columnist, and their advertising revenue becomes greater than the GNP of France.
I know what to do about Chicago. I know a farmer there, Mrs. O’Leary. We’ll make it look like one of her cows knocks over a lantern that starts a big fire that burns the whole city down. Wait a minute… didn’t that already happen?? Wow, deja vu all over again.
Oh, I am, Frank, I am.
Even now, my spies are collecting information on their movements. The primary focus for the moment is keeping them out of Iowa.
I’m also working with Wisconsin and Indiana to keep the chicagoans contained. Once they are all within the confines of chicago itself, we’ll send in our best lantern-wielding cows. It will be glorious!
Meanwhile, a large number of Guard and Reserve troops in Afghanistan and Iraq are from Iowa. They are building thier combat experience so that we will be able to remove the Illinois threat once and for all. Then we’ll take France (who doesn’t?) before marching into Germany. Iowa will be unstoppable!
Do something about Chicago? It’s already been burnt, and flooded. It’s practically Plagueville, USA as it is.
I’ve got it! Some form of creeping pestilence is in order. Killer snails! Or maybe slugs.
Almost forget the White Sox, I tell you these chicago people are made of stern stuff.
Dude! Franks ugly!
pedersen, frank’s not ugly! take it back! (i’m just a fan club minion doing my duty.)
spacemonkey, don’t forget the blackhawks. 58 points this year.
Pederson,
You’re ugly!
But Jennifer does need to put up a better picture…
Why?
’cause there are no weapons in the picture…have Frank with a 1911 or an M-1 Garand
You do realize it took all my willpower to put up an unaltered picture of Frank, right?
I mean, are you sure you want me to change the picture, Frank?
Because if you are sure, I will.
so how do you know if you’re a charter member? how long is the charter, and is it related to any UN charters?
cause that would suck.