Since most likely Democratic strategists read IMAO as do all smart important people, I thought I might throw them a bone and help them find a running mate for their haughty, French-looking candidate. Lot’s of people are suggesting John Edwards, Democrat governers, and other boring, predictable suggestions. If Democrats want to really energize their base and get young people like me out to vote who consider the ten minutes voitng much better spent playing vidoegames and eating nachos (my age group is dumb; want to fight about it?), they need someone dynamic who doesn’t fit the usual mold. Here are my suggestions:
Jo-Jo the Democrat Monkey
Occupation: Monkey/Massachusetts State Senator
Pros: Really connects with the average Democrat voter by having the same intelligence.
Cons: Extremely liberal voting record. Bites.
Mysterio the Masked Democrat
Occupation: Unknown
Pros: An unnamed Democrat usually does better in the polls than a specific one, so why not have an unnamed Democrat on the ticket. Is he a moderate or a liberal? He’s whatever you want him to be.
Cons: Probably Bill Clinton trying to sneak into office again.
Ninja X
Occupation: Ninja
Pros: Ninja flips and rolls make it hard for Republicans to attack him.
Cons: Due to ninja stealth, he has low voter visibility.
A Kitten
Occupation: Cute Furry Thing
Pros: Everybody likes kittens.
Cons: I don’t. What’s with those freaky slit eyes?
Hitler
Occupation: Genocidal Dictator
Pros: People keep comparing Bush to Hitler; well, let’s see how he stands up to the real deal.
Cons: He’s Hitler.
Satan
Occupation: Fallen Angel/Lobbyist for Evil
Pros: Why go for a watered down Satan like Hillary when you can have the real deal?
Cons: Will probably isolate the religious from the Democrats more so than usual. He’s also a registered Independent.
Megatron
Occupation: Robot in Disguise
Pros: Hard to accuse giant, megalomaniacal robot of not being tough enough to fight the war on terror. Won’t scare off anti-gun-control blue collar Democrats since he can show his own support of guns by transforming into one.
Cons: How does he shrink when he turns into a gun? That doesn’t make any sense.
A Wooden Post
Occupation: Wooden Post
Pros: Lack of voting record makes attacks by Republicans hard.
Cons: Too reminiscent of Al Gore.
Michael Moore
Occupation: Fat, Smelly, Obnoxious Man
Pros: Wacky liberals seem to like him instead of being made nauseous at the sight of him. Hard to imagine but true.
Cons: To keep him happy, most of campaign budget will have to be spent on fried cheese.
Saddam Hussein
Occupation: P.O.W.
Pros: Favorite of the anti-war crowd.
Cons: Might go on murdering spree… but you can say that about anyone.
Sauron
Occupation: Evil Fiery Eye
Pros: Will ensure orc, goblin, and hippy vote.
Cons: Though an all seeing eye, by staying up upon a tower he has the reputation of being aloof much like John Kerry.
An M-16 with Grenade Launcher
Occupation: Assault Weapon
Pros: When it comes time for John Kerry to announce his running mate, he could say, “I liked to introduce my choice of running mate.” He could then pull out the M-16 and shout, “SAY HELLO TO MY LEETLE FRIEND!!!” and that would be so cool!
Cons: Not really much to this one other than the intro– but it would be so cool!
Come up with your own suggestions in the comments section… and no arguing!
I think a good running mate for our ol’ pal Kerry would be Dr. Kevorkian, for the Euthanasia he’s surely going to need after the election.
The Limey
Pros: Easily woos the UN-loving hippy sheep of the world with his English accent and then grabs the young generation with his globalization-hating RATM lyrics.
Cons: Not a legal canidate (may scream unilateralism and discrimination to get in anyway), Republicans may point out that this is a tad hypocritical, prone to fall back on the lyrical brainwashing when cornered by higher intelligences, teeth thoroughly rotted through due to a severe citrus fruit addiction.
Frank…Frank…Frank…..
we all know that Bush is a Fascist, but how could a Fascist(like hitler) run with Commies like Kerry??? they’d kill each…..oh wait that’s not such a bad idea YEAH i could see they run together and kill each other behind the scenes what a great plot..hitler’s a wonderful idea. mwa ha…
but i would pick pick The Emperor in Star wars. He definately has the looks to be a democrat, and his electrifying (no pun intended mwa ha) way of dealing with people certainly would make him a great adversary, don’t you say??
I say he chooses Bush. That way Bush wins either way.
The Limey.Excellent choice!!!
Fascist McFascist
Occupation: Secretly running the French government (and the rest of Old Europe for that matter)
Pros: Access to millions in terrorist fundings. Can declare Jihad against rival candidates.
Cons: Since Fascism and Communism are almost opposites, putting him with John Kerry might cause a violent explosion
I think he shold just make up an imaginary running mate and claim the guy is already in an undisclosed location for security purposes. That would give the “new guy” a vice presidential look that would sit well with voters.
Hannibal Lecter
Occupation. Psycologist
Pro: Well spoken interlectual, will appeal to academics and liberals alike.
Con: Has been know to eat people
Barbara Bush…she’d keep Kerry in line. “Sit up straight Johnny” She’d say. “Stop acting so aloof, and for God sakes zip up your fly!”
A tub of lard.
Pro: as with wooden post, lack of voting record makes attacks harder.
Con: Michael Moore may sue for misuse of personal image.
Pro: Far cheaper than Moore on fried cheese.
Baghdad Bob
Pro: Can recite Kerry’s “voting record” without being consumed with guilt, trusted news medium from the anti war crowd
Con: In prison
An unborn fetus holding the switch to an electric chair.
Pros: It would increase his voter base… kind of.
Cons: Emphasis on kind of.
Angelina Jolie
Occupation: Actress (I think)
Pros: Has media experience and standard issue liberal views for the socialists. The male conservative base might be wooed by her sultry eyes, pouty wet lips, narrow waist, and large firm breasts.
Cons: …….ummm…..huh? Oh! Sorry! I was thinking of firm breasts.
Darth Vadar
Occupation: Dark Jedi Master and Galactic Overlord
Pros: Tough on terrorism. Would insure the geek vote. Can choke debate opponents with a wave of his hand.
Cons: Would make it hard to shake America’s “Evil Empire” image. Like Bush’s running mate, he’s more machine than man now.
S
well, darth vader is tough…but the emperor can put his spirit into people when he dies…in fact i am farely sure bill clinton might have actaully been him in the first place? but darth does have the voice, who wouldn’t listen to “join the democrat side”? i mean that deep penetrating voice is enough to make everyone shout yeah bush really is evil lets join the democrat side….
might be a pretty difficult race then….
I’ve wondered the same thing about Megatron… how is he so big, and shrinks into a small little gun. Plus Glavatron was cooler, he turned into a big old cannon!
i think starscream talks like a democrat but the cannon destroyed him…hey what about the ninja kicking lassie on the commercial?
pros: stronger than any other democrat out there, plus has the ability to understand just with the simple word “help”
cons: dog breath, it’s enough to make any one turn away (maybe the republicans could use that against though)
Megatron is this HUGE macho machine that turns into a lil’ bitty girly Saturday night special? Hmmmmmmm. That probably explains why he feels the need to be so evil and mean. A little pisol envy perhaps? Especially when standing next to “…my leetle frien'” on the podium!
I think the Transformers are going to be too busy with their own internal battles to get nvolved with our presidential election. You know soon as Megatron turns his back the Decepticons they’ll mutiny.
On the other hand, if Bush dumps heart attack boy he could get Optimus Prime on the Republican ticket. That could help bring in the Jewish vote.
Our Mistress And Queen Jennifer Granholm
OCCUPATION: Governor, mistress, dominatrix, and goddess of Michigan.
PRO: First female Vice President
CON: Would take all money away from education; bad accounting skills; humongous ego (“BOW TO MISTRESS GRANHOLM!!”)
GALVANIZED CORPSE OF LENIN:
Occupation:Still dead, slightly smelly hero of
all that is communism and socialism in the world
Pros: Would guarantee A.N.S.W.E.R, college kids and the like. may actually have more personality than Gore, LArd, Wood. May be illegit grandfather of facist mcfascist. Hates JOOOOS, would have served in vietnam if he could.
CON: 1)Has problems folding like megatron, hell.. it’ll be tough getting him into anyplace that requires bendings.
2)Tough sneaking out of russia
3)Might decompose on the campaign trail
4)Chomps might use him for a chew toy
5)Might overshadow Kerry’s personality
6)Cannot connect with youth due to out of style clothing
7)Hates Ketchup(supposedly)
The Masturbating Bear from the Conan O’Brian Show
Pros: He’s a bear, so his lack of debate skills are more then made up for by his sharp claws and long fangs. Plus, if the Republicans try to make an issue out of his personal problem the Dems will scream “It’s all about sex” and Kerry’s numbers will skyrocket.
Cons: A bear is only marginally smarter then then most other Democratic legislators.
You forgot the Demoncrat.
Cut and Run Kerry is going nowhere. I’m hearing rumors Vietnam Veterans are going to sue him for his anti-war activities, which thew military leader of the Viet Cong said were directly responsible for the American defeat and thereby for all the dead and wounded soldiers. Hanoi Long John wanted to make this election about his war record. He got it now.
He couldn’t have Sauron for a running mate, because he was destroyed (although the way they did it in the book was cooler–instead of just exploding as the tower of Barad-dur collapsed, a huge menacing black shadow rose up over the land, and then blew away like a wisp of smoke).
Richard Nixon’s head…
The Ghost of Pol Pot.
Pros: Will make Kerry seem moderate.
Cons: Will continuously push annoying “Make Everyone a Rice Farmer” agenda.
A waffle.
Pros: Belgian origins will supplement Kerry’s French-lookingness. Will draw voters who appreciate irony.
Cons: In constant danger of being consumed in a flurry of butter and syrup by Micheal Moore.
Mr. Combs;
Occupation: Teacher, all around creepy guy.
Pro’s: Cool guy, and overall a good person.
Con’s: Creepy, oogles the ladies.
Jane Fonda
Pros: Thinks just like Kerry on issues such as war and terrorism. Is relatively attractive…for a traitor.
Cons: Thinks just like Kerry on issues such as war and terrorism. Is on record as being a treasonous bitch…just like John Kerry.
Curious George
Occupation: Adorable Little Monkey
Pros: Cute little antics will distract us as Kerry works to take away our guns, censor our speach and raise our taxes.
Cons: Will probably make a mess out of the White House and soil the carpet in the Oval Office (oh wait, Clinton already…nevermind).
WHO SHOULD BE KERRY’S RUNNING MATE?
Frank J offers some helpful suggestions to the Kerry campaign in selecting a Vice-Presidential nominee. Here are a few selections.Megatron Occupation: Robot in Disguise Pros: Hard to accuse giant, megalomaniacal robot of not being tough enough to fight…
Dang it, Frnak!!! I was going to recommend ten sticks of old, Nitro sweating Dynamite. Probably too reminiscent of (Dr. Demento) Howard Dean!
Osama Bin Laden
Occupation: Evil terrorist bastard. Head of Al-Queda. Cave dweller.
Pros: Will attract the far left traitors. Will also reveal to us his location so we can gut him like the bitch he is. Also will ensure Kerry’s defeat, as if that isn’t a given already.
Cons: His goat f***ing antics may upset P.E.T.A. Also with that turban on its hard to get a good close up of his entire head.
Why not just make a clone of John Kerry and have him run as VP.
Pros: As good as the original Kerry, without the baggage of 25+ years in the Senate.
Cons: The two Kerrys would never agree on anything.
Ralph Nader
Pros: Adds An amazing amount of Raw confusion to the ticket and its fun to listen to him promise to defeat all evil Corporations.
Cons: While running for President and Vice President simultaneously he will split the “I’m confused vote”. He will also be forced to reveal he secretly likes corporations to try to defeat himself.
The Moose Overlord of Canada
Pros: They agree on everything except the proper use of Ketchup on French Fries. Sure to bring in the “I want France to be our friends vote” and the “I wish I could speak French vote”.
Cons: The Moose Overlord has power over French looking senators who use botox.
My nominee for John Kerry’s running mate would be Corrine Brown. Just tell her that “Kerry” is short for “Karioke” and that he’s really an Asian. She’ll never know the truth because all non-black men look alike to her anyway. Then they can run on an antirich white guy antiracist platform wherein advocate unilaterally invading countries that pose no USA threat while ignoring countries that do pose a threat, unless the French say that is okay.
All y’all that advocate the Emperor or Darth Vader as suitable running mates for J French-lookin’ Kerry, I must gently point out the rigid adherence to schedules (remember the Death Star?) and discipline on the Dark Side, and it is my opinion that they are both German nationals and therefore ineligible to be Vice-Pres. Go Corrine!
Al Sharpton wearing Hillary’s pants suit
Occupation: Professional Victim (in drag)
Pros: Attract both black & female voters. The press would “do whatever it takes” to get four years of “This girdle is killing me – I feel your pain honey child!”
Cons: Kerry commits suicide – Presedent Sharpton!
Kerry-Fonda 2004!
Rachel Corrie aka St. Pancake de Corrie
Occupation Pancake
Pros Help change Kerry from a walfer to a pancaker.
Cons Has a tendency to be run over a lot. She is not that noticeable. People tend to back out of engagements with her. When she is out on the street people don’t stop.
Dean the Donkey:
Occupation: Farm Animal; symbol of the Democratic party
Pros: With his articulate and motivating “Yeee-arrgh!” he will move angry people everywhere to take up his call of nationalizing health care; Catchy slogans will read “Quagmire yeeargh!” and “No Yeeeargh for Oil.”
Cons: Will not descend into an inclosed area.
Two possibilities for Kerry’s running mate- a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth’s maple syrup(soccer mom vote) or a bottle of Aunt Jemima’s maple syrup(minority vote). Other pro- obvious synergy.
Gobo Fraggile
pros: cute, too little to see (therefore staying out of site), sings song and will appeal to hippies.
cons: well he’s a fraggile and i dont know if they allow em in the whitehouse.
A big smelly pile of dog sh-t
Occupation: none, but stinks really bad and can get on your shoe
Pros: adds (some but not much) gravitas, intellect and credibility to a candidate completely devoid of any of these; should secure the sh-thead vote, the sh-t-for-brains vote, the dumbsh-t vote etc.; at the convention they could set off a huge sh-t bomb that would cover all the delegates – wouldn’t that be funny
Cons: stinks really bad, can get on your shoe
Frank’s Suggestions for John
Whenever I start to get cranky about politics and current events Frank J. knows just how to cheer me up and make me laugh. Today he brings us his suggestions for a running mate for John F’n Kerry. My favorite…
Here is my BIG PREDICTION and I am right 97% of the time so listen up:
John Forbes Kerry will run with CA Senator Dianne Feinstein. This will give him two diversity groups, women and Jews, on the ticket, for the price of one VP. Also, she is so popular in CA that her presence will negate everything Bush and Arnold do there without spending a dime. That leaves democrats free to spend money elsewhere while Bush dumps millions in a state he will lose. She is an evil ultra liberal gun grabber, but the far right that hates her is already voting for Bush and the moderates will be swayed by her cunning rhetoric and think she is just another grandmother, teacher, and all that stuff she called herself when running for the first time. Finally, as the former Mayor of San Franciso, she guarantees that even if Kerry refuses to embrace gay marriage, all gays in the country will view the democrats as saviors while the Eeeeevil Bush runs around harping about an amendment.
That is my word, and my word is infallible. Except for that 3% of the time that I am wrong.
Inanimate Carbon Rod
Occupation: N.A.S.A. hardware
Pros: heroic background; saved the world; stopped giant ants
Cons: tendency to take credit for your work
Jaques Chirac
Occupation: President of Wussie-land
Pro: Rhyming Name is catchy
Cons: Speaks for itself. F’ing white-flag waving, wine drinking, cheese eating surrender frogs.
YOU CAN’T GIVE JOHN KERRY an M-203! Are you mad?! He’ll just run down to Little Saigon and commit more atrocities, and Zumwalt isn’t around to stop him this time!
The 3 headed Frog
http://www.local6.com/news/2900371/detail.html
Pros: Makes more sence than Kerry, all ways stays on topic. Probably will not gun grab
Cons: Budwiser will probably not get off this sweet deal to let the guy run for office.
Woo hoo!! Transformers making a comeback!
I have a suggestion for Kerry’s Running mate:
Kofi Annan
Occupation: President of the U.N. (or so he’d like to think)
Pros: Has already political office experience. Kerry loves the U.N. so much.
Cons: Will consider victory as the first step for the one world government.
HANS BLIX or DAN RATHER (can we have both?)
Since an International “good feeling” is central on JF**K’s campaign, I would either pick Dan Rather or Hans Blix.
Remember “the palpable sexual tension” between Saddam Hussein and Dan, Dan is ‘da man’ in Paris, Washington, Baghdad or Kandahar. Blix is Swedish and a UN freak: sexy-sexy-bomb!, could play the Democrat Kissinger card.
Doc Ock
Occupation:Mad scientist
Pros: Robotic arms would allow him to perform many tasks at once such as fund raising, cover ups, and drink coffee
Cons: Extensive crimminal record might put off voters…but then again he’d be a democrat so who cares?
Gollum
Occupation: Ring Mutated Hobbit
Pros: Pitiful appearance could generate a lot of voter sympathy and split personality would be a godsend for Kerry, allowing him to take both sides of any issue.
Cons: Voters sentiments could easily sway from pity to disgust and he bites
Beldar Conehead
Occupation: appliance repairman/driving instructor
Pros: help with illegal immigrant vote, no anus so less crap to deal with.
Cons: in addition earthbound foreign influence peddling, has intergalatic connections, talks just like Kerry
ME!
Occupation: None whatsoever! I need a job!
pros: Would kill kerry and then assume his position as president
cons: Would then proceed to take over the world and place good charlotte in gas chanbers and ovens.
then their fans
oh and techno! did i mention i hate techno!
Moon-Unit the Hippie
Occupation: Androgynous Bisexual Chairit of GLADNIONANSWERACLUVVAW Coalition
Pros: Will fire up the looniest of the loons on the left to actually consider voting instead of rubbing patchouli oil on their navels in hopes that the government will someday enact a new entitlement program that will make their umbilical cords will grow back.
Cons: Voting is like sooooo Establishment, man. It’s either The Joooos™ or The Man™, man. Only wish they’d reinstate the draft so I can burn some draft cards, too, my brotha.
The Dalai Lama
Occupation: Exiled Religious and Political leader of the Tibetan People.
Pros: Has a few major contacts in Hollywood, has strong anti-war stance as well as the whole new-age touchy-feely crap philosophy that appeals to most liberals.
Cons: Prone to give long, drawn out religious lectures about the difference between temporary existance and absolute existance in broken english.
How about the ledgendary Esquilax? The horse with the head of a rabbit AND…. the body of a rabbit!!
Angelyne
Occupation: Billboard model
Pros: Can contribute with advice on how to run a good campaign.
Cons: Her freakishly large front will block microphones
Watch out for the running mate. As JFK falters in the fall it will be revealed that he has a recurrence of his prostate cancer and he will withdraw.