On a sunny morning, hundreds of people surrounded Karl Rove’s house. “Karl Rove doesn’t have a soul!” they started to chant, but then the sky darkened.
“That’s not a rain cloud,” one of the protestors slowly observed, “It’s… LOCUSTS!”
The protestors screamed in terror as the bugs swarmed them.
“Ahh! Boils!” yelled another.
The front door to Rove’s abode swung open. At the entryway stood the cloaked figure of Karl Rove.
“Are you coming out to listen to us?” asked one of the protestors hopefully as he ducked the insects.
“Die!” Rove shouted as he shot lightning from his fingertips.
“How was you morning, Rover?” Bush asked as Karl Rove sat down at the meeting table.
“Our concern is the campaign,” Rove answered.
“Right-o,” Bush answered, “I’m making sure we have things together to fight that stupid John Kerry. You should see his new commercial.”
Bush turned on the T.V., and on screen was John Kerry. “Hi, I’m Senator Kerry,” he said in a very haughty, French-like way, “and I’m a man of the people. Isn’t that true, Jeeves?”
“Whatever you say, sir,” Kerry’s butler answered.
“Some may not like how I keep mentioning how I was active in the unpopular war in Vietnam, but I would like you to know that I served in Vietnam… before I served against it.”
A picture of Kerry the Vietnam protestor appeared on screen.
“That’s just how nuanced I am, and nuance is a good thing. If you’re smart, you’d know that.”
The end graphic then appeared saying, “John Kerry 2004: His positions on issues are whatever you think they are.”
“I just got a great new ad out today, though, in response,” Bush said as he hit a button on the remote.
On screen was Governor Schwarzenegger seated at a desk. “I am Arnold!” he screamed. “John Kerry is puny! Bush will crush him! You will vote for Bush or you are puny! I will crush you!” He then knocked over his desk. “I am Arnold!”
The end graphic then appeared saying, “George W. Bush 2004: I am Arnold!”
“I liked his enthusiasm,” Dick Cheney remarked, “but we might want to rethink that a little.”
“What about my ad idea?” Rumsfeld asked.
“The one where you threaten that after the election you’ll bomb any state that hadn’t given its electoral votes to Bush?” Condoleezza Rice asked.
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” Rove uttered.
“We could bomb Massachusetts now to show we’re serious,” Rumsfeld suggested.
“That’s not really the issue, Rummy,” Bush told him softly, “See, you come off as a little harsh.”
“Who thinks that?” Rumsfeld demanded, “I’ll kill them!”
“See, that the problem,” Bush continued, “You need to tone the violence down… and no more strangling.”
“Hey, sometimes I squeeze my hands together,” Rumsfeld said defensively, “If someone happens to put his neck between them at the time, that’s his problem.”
“We really need to make you appear kindler and gentler,” Bush asserted, “I know I just joked about it at the Radio and Television Correspondents Association Dinner, but would you consider appearing on an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?”
The Secret Service was able to grab Rumsfeld just in time before he completely leaped across the table and got his hands around Bush’s neck. After he was dragged out, the meeting continued. “It is important for everyone to be on their best behavior,” Rove intoned, “That especially goes for John Ashcroft.”
“Yeah, whatcha been up ta, Ash?” Bush asked.
“Well, golly gosh, let me think,” Ashcroft said, “Today we found two suspicious looking people – yep, quite suspicious they were – and then we declared them enemy combatants and threw them down a dark hole, we did. Then we forgot where that hole was, by golly.”
“Be careful with stuff like that,” Bush said, “We don’t want people saying we’re abusing civil rights before the election. And make sure you keep the ATF under control.”
“Jeepers, I’ve been doing my best on that,” Ashcroft responded, “I even have the head of the ATF, Psycho Stan, here to tell us how relaxed he’s been.”
“I ain’t killed no one in three hours,” Psycho Stan said, “I don’t like this. I liked that other Attorney General, Reno, better; now there was a man who let us kill and burn stuff.”
“No excessive violence,” Bush commanded.
Psycho Stan growled and then stood up. “I need to get going.”
“Not to kill people and burn down buildings, right?” Bush asked.
“Always asking me questions,” Psycho Stan grumbled as he walked out of the room while chambering a round in his handgun.
“So what’s next?” Bush mused aloud.
“There is the impending testimony of the one known as Condoleezza,” Rove answered.
“Yeah, Condi, you have to do a good job with your testimony before the 9/11 commission,” Bush told her, “They didn’t appreciate your videotaped testimony.”
“Why?” Condi asked innocently.
“Yeah, that pretty much confirms it; it’s just five minutes of her giving us the finger.”
“They said it was ‘disrespectful’,” Bush answered, “and we’ll need you to do some commercials for the campaign because it will really help to have a minority woman in some.”
“Uh, hello,” Elaine Chao interrupted.
“What?” Bush asked.
“I’m also a minority woman.”
Bush laughed and rolled his eyes. “Asian isn’t a minority.” He then whispered to Laura was seated next to him, “Who is she?”
“She’s your Secretary of Labor, dear.”
“Oh, I thought she was my dry cleaner,” Bush chuckled.
“I heard that, you racist bastard!” Chao shouted.
Bush put his hands in front of his face protectively. “It was an honest mistake! Don’t use your ninjitsu on me!”
“Argh!” Chao shouted before storming out of the room.
“Is it possible we can have Bush not talk anymore before the election?” Cheney asked Rove.
“Unfortunately, there are the debates,” Rove answered.
“And, if the questions are too hard, I can’t just fake a heart attack like you,” Bush said derisively to Cheney.
“I don’t need to fake one,” Cheney answered indignantly.
“Let’s see,” Bush mused aloud, “Who else could do commercials.”
“Could I do one?” Scott McClellan asked.
“If you’re good, I’ll let you get coffee for the stagehands,” Bush answered. He then looked to Colin Powell. “Some of the left like you because you’re a wuss. Maybe you could do some commercials, but Condi will hurt you if you step too far out of line.”
“It’s not that I step out of line,” Powell said, “so much as I add multiple facets to… AHHH!”
Condi twisted Powell’s arm behind his back. “Yeah, she’ll hurt you like that,” Bush said.
“What we need our more commercials with your wife,” Rove stated, “It appeals to families and the weak hearted.”
“I’m going to have to ask for a raise then,” Laura said.
“But honey!” Bush whined.
“I’ve seen your war chest,” Laura answered, “You can afford it.” She then turned to Rove. “And, I don’t know who writes these things, but can you give my husband easier words to say than ‘ entrepreneurial’?”
“You’re embarrassing me,” Bush squealed.
“I’m just looking out for your interests, dear.”
Powell made a whipping sound.
“Ahh… even Colin is making fun of me,” Bush groaned.
“I think we have a good start for the campaign for your reelection,” Rove stated, “The elders will be pleased.”
“And, if things aren’t working out,” Bush said, “There is always the All-Purpose Plan B.”
“No rap music video!” Cheney shouted, and then grumbled to himself, “Idiot.”
first!
And “I thought she was my dry-cleaner” was execlent
“And, if the questions are too hard, I can’t just fake a heart attack like you,” Bush said derisively to Cheney.
“I don’t need to fake one,” Cheney answered indignantly.
Brilliant!!! Absolutley brilliant! I hope your Limey reponse is as good as well.
Hey do you think that “canadian” who wrote you is just the Limey trying to disquise himself??
Here are some real Canadians and we don’t sound like that at all:
http://meatriarchy.blogspot.com/archives/2004_03_28_meatriarchy_archive.html#108065099340171865
“Yeah, that pretty much confirms it; it’s just five minutes of her giving us the finger.”
OMG that was funny stuff. You really should consider having a South Parkesque Cartoon for some of these Frank.
Since we’re requoting Frank, here’s my favorite
The Secret Service was able to grab Rumsfeld just in time before he completely leaped across the table and got his hands around Bush’s neck.
Now that’s funny.
But I thought all purpose plan B was to toss grenades in every direction and see what blows up.
Now I’m confused.
You can’t expect me to remember if I’ve used a joke before.
That reminds me; I need to start adding to my random quotes. I’m still in April of 2003 and am near where Buck first appears.
Rove is definitely my favorite. Those Sith Lords are just so cool.
what a hoser!
I Seved in Vietnam……before I served against it.
Great humor works on several levels, and that line is classic.
Only dissapointment was the lack of a douchebag reference. Don’t let the Scott McClellan as “Douchebag” storyline slip. There’s potential there.
“I don’t like this. I liked that other Attorney General, Reno, better; now there was a man who let us kill and burn stuff.”
Now THAT’s funny!
Condi kicking Powell’s ass . . . THAT’S funny.
“In my world” is your best stuff.
L.O.L.
Why isn’t this a cartoon? Don’t tell me Fox wouldn’t do it! The idea of an IMW fits much like tea to a cup!
Hilarious, as always!
Powell made a whipping sound.
“Ahh… even Colin is making fun of me,” Bush groaned.
Haha, Now that one is great! Keep up the good work Frank, I almost fried my keyboard on that one!
Too funny, too true.
Holy God! An IMW cartoon on Fox would be the best thing since…well, since…i don’t know, since some really, really good thing.
Even better would be a live-action IMW. They could air it opposite The West Wing.
Should probably wait till after the election to debut the show though. Could scare away some of the “moderate” conservatives. psssh. moderates. Don’t they know anything worth supporting is worth supporting excessively?
Or at least with excessive quantities of gunpowder.
Great Stuff as always Frank…only thing is that should’t “Arnold” have been spelt “Ah-nuld” as in the other IMW’s? Yeah I’m being analy-retentive today….I’ll just order my Taxi for one….:-p
Oh no, no, no, I disagree THIS was by far the best line ever! LOL!
“Some may not like how I keep mentioning how I was active in the unpopular war in Vietnam, but I would like you to know that I served in Vietnam… before I served against it.”
“Well, golly gosh, let me think,” Ashcroft said, “Today we found two suspicious looking people – yep, quite suspicious they were – and then we declared them enemy combatants and threw them down a dark hole, we did. Then we forgot where that hole was, by golly.”
Classic, Frank.
Hump Day Humor
Frank J. give us an inside scoop on the Bush campaign as locusts descend on protesters and new campaign ads…
Ya know, maybe Bush campaign could use that line as a talking point “Kerry – He served in the Vietnam war before he served against it” like the $87 billion funding figure.
That was inspired, Frank. Funny stuff.
I’m sorry to disagree with ya’ll, but
“We could bomb Massachusetts now to show we’re serious,”
is the best line… although the Reno line was pretty damn funny too.
Frank: You’re missing your true calling (ring ring). This stuff is priceless! Fox is looking for a few good ‘tunes. Just remember the little people like me (and send money, women, monkeys or rich ninja monkey women, but I digress) when you make to the top. And remember get to treat us poorly twice; once on the way up and once on the way down as you sink into an abyss of monkey sex and alcohol; cool huh?
Bomb Massachusetts?! Hey… how about just bombing Beacon Hill-where he and “lovey” reside.
I happen to like parts of this state, and I wouldn’t want to see them flattened (even in IMW).
I laughed out loud at the heart attack without knowing why…figured I’m a sick puppy and the wine had something to do with it. But then, “Powell made a whipping sound” and my brain went…WhhhhhhhhhhhitCHA!!! (sp?).
ROTFLMAO!
“John Kerry 2004: His positions on issues are whatever you think they are.”
This is the best line by far. It’s funny because it’s true.
You could also have used “John Kerry 2004: His positions on issues are whatever you want them to be.”
GASP!!!!!
Yup, five exclamation points, sign of a deranged mind… which makes sense, because this seems to be shaping up to be Links to Sites Moe Never Notes, Even If They’re In His Blogroll And Everything Day. Specifically, it would seem
LMAO… ART… Pure art!
Your works are priceless and never cease to amaze me.
Keep up the good work.