Yassin looked all about him at the splendor of Heaven. “Those joooos may have killed me, but now I am a martyr in Paradise!” he exclaimed. “And I can walk again! Praise Allah!” He then danced about.
There before him stood God. Yassin approached saying, “Allah, I…”
“Call me ‘sir'”, God said curtly.
“Sir, I have come for my rewards as a martyr.”
“Yeah, I like you martyrs,” God chuckled, “You guys are easy to handle.” God reached behind his podium and then produced a bowl which he handed to Yassin. “Here are your raisins.”
“Raisins?” Yassin said with confusion, “I thought I got virgins!”
“Nope, common misinterpretation,” God said, “The deal is 72 raisins for martyrdom– and you actually have 68 since I ate a few of them while you were dilly-dallying. You don’t mind sharing with the Creator of the universe, right?”
“No… I guess not.”
“Now, see that corner over there?” God asked as he pointed to a dark, dank corner nearby, “That’s where you go. I like to keep all the “martyrs” separate so you don’t talk all the time and pass notes.”
“Well, at least I can walk again,” Yassin said.
“No, you sit,” God commanded, “over in that corner and quietly eat your raisins… and try to nurse them a bit because you need to make them last all eternity.”
“What happens when they’re gone?” Yassin asked, now looking a little worried.
“You can do anything you want,” God told him, “as long as you stay in your corner, be quiet, and don’t move much.”
Dejected, Yassin walked over to his corner and sat down, staring a bit angrily at God. He then noticed a little hand pull away from his bowl of raisins.
“Ooh! Ooh!” said a monkey as it scampered off with a handful of Yassin’s raisins.
“That monkey stole some of my raisins!” Yassin shouted.
“That’s crazy talk,” God answered, “There are no monkeys in Heaven. You’re just trying to trick me into giving you more raisins. Well, the deal is 72, and that’s all you get. Now be quiet; I have someone else coming for his rewards in Heaven.”
An Israeli walked up to God. “Man, I just got blown up by a suicide bomber,” he complained.
“Sorry about that,” God said, “Those Palestinians sure love their raisins. Frankly, I spent a long time making grapes nice and tasty, and I have no idea why they want them shriveled up into little raisins. Anyway, I’ll make up your getting blown up with your rewards in Heaven.” God reached into a box. “What size t-shirt do you want.”
“I’ll take a large.”
“Here you go,” God said, handing over a t-shirt, “It says ‘Heaven: It’s a fun place to be.’ – I didn’t come up with the slogan – and that’s just the start of your rewards. Here’s a Rolex.”
The Israeli accepted the gold watch. “Wow! That’s a great watch!”
“Of course it is,” God said, “It’s a Rolex. Also, you get to pick a prize from one of the mystery boxes on that table over there.”
There was a table with three boxes marked with question marks labeled 1, 2, and 3. The Israeli studied them for a moment. “I’ll take box number three.”
God walked behind the box and carefully titled it up so he could see under. “Sorry, but there is nothing under this box… EXCEPT FOR THE KEYS TO A NEW SPORTS CAR!”
“Kickass!” the Israeli exclaimed as he took the keys, “I’m glad I picked that box!”
“Actually, they all had keys to sports cars under them,” God chuckled, “I just like doing that. Anyway, have a drive around Heaven and check out all the hotspots. Parking is free everywhere, by the way. And, if you need anything, just ask me; I’m omnipresent and you never should feel like you’re bothering me.”
“Thanks God!” the Israeli said with glee, “You’re the greatest!”
“I know,” God answered as he watched the Israeli run off.
Yassin sat in his corner and looked on the scene with anger. “That joooo got a t-shirt, a Rolex, and a sports car, and all I got was this lousy bowl of raisins.” A thought then struck Yassin. He raised his fist in the air while shouting, “Allah is a joooooo…”
A bumper slammed into Yassin, cutting him off mid “jooooooo!” “My back is broke!” Yassin screamed, “I’m a quadriplegic again!”
“Dude, I’m so sorry,” the Israeli exclaimed out the window of his sports car, “This is my first time using a stick-shift.”
Mad funny man!
Oh, FIRST!
has anybody seen the pictures of where yassin was killed? theres nothing left! its hilarious. just a singed wheel and some blood. not much point to the virgins after a direct hit with a missile, is there?
..Cause I know, I don’t belong…here in heaven.
(with apologies to Eric Clapton)
Priceless!!
Ha ha ha first time with a stick shift… priceless
“cutting him off mid “jooooooo!”
Ohh how I burst out laughing on this one. That is some great stuff Frank. You just keep us coming back for more.
Wheeee!!
thought I was done blogging for today, But Frank’s gone and made a funny In My World. Ah well… Here’s a snippet:
“Yeah, I like you martyrs,” God chuckled, “You guys are easy to handle.” God reached behind his podium and then produced a bowl whic…
Great post. i think i will ask to go watch the antichrists like this one cross over into their own little hell when i get to the other side. better yet…i would love to see god bitch slap someone for calling him allah. meybe frank could work that out for an in my world some day…
adam
“You’re the greatest”
“I know”
That just cracked me up!
Correction: Yassin was a parapalegic.
That being said, “Allah is a jooooooo…”
That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
Frank…you never cease to amaze me with your wit and comedic writing.
Excellent stuff.
A true classic…
Brian,
he was a quad. Watch the archival video. he’s always wrapped in a shawl and you never see his hands.
Frank, that was the greatest punchline… good thing I wasn’t drinking my Coke when I read it.
Hey Brian-
“The early years of his life were once again impeded, this time by an injury he sustained while playing sports at the age of 12. It left him quadriplegic, and forced to use a wheelchair for life.”
straight from aljazeera.com
See? Never question Frank and his infinite wisdom.
Thanks yet again Frank for an absolutely hilarious post, but now I have to explain to my parents exactly why I need a new laptop…
Only one problem… Yassin getting to see heaven at all.
Kudos and you’ve put your finger on the fundamental issue: who is God and what does he want. The secular verses religous divide may take precendence but the question now is do all our Gods accept good people or is redemption exclusive? International religious pluralism verses jihad of all kinds and all faiths.
lol, that’s great, 72 rasins…
Pfff… it’s smart asses like you who screw everything up.
Dude! You owe me a keyboard!
>
LAUGHING. MYSELF. SILLY.
Frank, how can you be an engineer and soooooo damn funny?
My quote got knocked out in the above post. I meant to reference this line:
“Parking is free everywhere, by the way.”
Frank J., that’s just poetry. Maybe you’ve got a little bit of hippie in you afterall…
Yaaaaay. 🙂
you are so stinking funny.
Lies! Lies! Yassin is not dead, he’s just…pining for the fjords!
“Actually, they all had keys to sports cars under them,” God chuckled, “I just like doing that.
Come on people! You know that’s the best part.
Dave,
That and that God is a “Joooooo!”
Thanks for the laughter! We sure need it over here.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who can laugh at a handicapped man getting “blowed up” as we used to say back in the county.
Because I did.
Laugh.
Hard.
Then I cried.
At his funeral march.
All those nice people shouting “Kill the jooooos”
And no dropping bombs.
I suppose it’s a GOOD think that I’m not in charge, right?
Still, and I don’t want to beat a dead wahibbist, but couldn’t we just drop one daisy cutter on one of their funeral discos? We could paste lots of tiny mirrors to it and paint it with lasers while it dropped and everything.
Maybe it’s a money thing. Those MOABs can’t be cheap. Maybe, if on our tax form, they put a box under the election fund donation box to include a dollar for killing terrorists…
You seem to be very familiar with Israel drivers.
In My World
Frank J has a new In My World post at IMAO. I don’t like the subject matter, but those posts are consistently funny. If you’ve never read ’em, I strongly advise you to put aside a few days and read the archives. Do it, or Rumsfeld will give you such …
Gratuitous linkage
This is quite easily one of the funniest In My World episodes in a while. Hooray for Frank J.!…
Krakatoa,
I have to agree -the funeral procession looked like a “target-rich environment”
Frank J is a schtick-theif…
IMAO: In My World: Yassin in Paradise Way to steal a scthick, Frank. And you don’t even do it as
How about that? First Palestinian in space. And handicapped to boot. Talk about equal opportunity…
Frank-
You’re killin’ me! This was kickass funny. I usually read your daily bit at lunch while eating my sandwich. I almost choked to death today. Good work! “Cut off in mid Jooooo” was what put me over the edge & closer to my 72 Virginians.
Heh. “Dude, I’m so sorry,” the Israeli exclaimed out the window of his sports car, “This is my first time using a stick-shift.”
Heh.
Heh. Indeed.
If you haven’t seen it yet, Frank has a special In My World…Yassin in Paradise….
I suspect that you are going to find this one in your inbox one of these days.
OMG about pissed myself funniest thing ive seen in awhile. Mid joooo put me over the edge. Thanks for the laugh.
Very funny. I will keep checking in on this most excellent blogasaur!
-Yarbz
http://www.juggernuts.com
In My World Double-Header
Yassin gets his 72 “virgins”, and Richard Clarke provokes Condi Rice for the last time….
Wow, Curtis! You’re right, take off his robe and that fake beard and put him on a beach, and the sheik makes quite a different impression indeed.
I thought he would have gotten an express ticket to hell… but that’s just me. Maybe I’m wrong…
Are there israelis that don’t know how to drive stick?
That is funny, and wholely appripo
“Allah is a Joooo…” that explains a lot, doesn’t it? (how many o’s in ‘Joooo’?)
that was funny! wheres the pictures…..ROFLMAO!
Didn’t know heaven could be so fun……..!!!!!!!God is great!
both got their rewards…and now he’s a cripple for eternity.