The Limey – Episode VII: Lime Another Day


STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank
Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC
Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room
Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour
Episode VI: Bloody Fascism


In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over. As always, swears as a noun have been replaced with “ronin”, as has the word “redneck.” F’ing, when an adjective, has been replaced with “dishonorable”. When it’s an adverb, it has been replaced with “crazy-cool”. F’d up has been replaced with “wacky-smacky”. The f-word as a verb has been replaced with “I challenge”. The s-word has been replaced with “diddly-doo”. Also, Rage Against the Machine lyrics have been edited to make them less ragey.
It’s been weeks since The Limey tried to crack the ignorant, redneck, American Frank, and he spent that time in thoughtful silence, contemplating exactly how to attack his nemesis as he ate his crumpets and drank his tea. Finally, he decided the time was right, and went to his keyboard to give his venom substance:

Well ronin it’s been over two weeks since I last emailed you to challenge the cancer that is capitalism. I bet you thought I wasn’t going to reply didn’t you, ronin! Yeah, well here I am you ronin I’m good at surprising people. It’s not difficult to surprise a right-wing lunatic like you – you’re so stupid! Do you think I’m going to fall for those emails you’ve been sending me about Swiss bank accounts? I’m too moral to fall for that, ronin. You wanted to see if I’m a hypocrite didn’t you. Well I’m not!
You keep referring to me as a friend, I realise that’s your sarcastic side coming out, but stop it. I’m amazed that ronin’s can be sarcastic. They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but the highest form of intelligence. I guess somebody’s telling you how to be sarcastic because you couldn’t possibly come up with that sarcasm on your own!
Where did you get this ludicrous impression that I don’t like Die Hard? I have Die Hard on video. I like it – even though it’s very stereotyped. Still, at least some conservative Americans get killed in that film.
XTREME ONE, Carl, Johnny Depp and the Spanish Militant are part of the Democratic left-of-centre coalition that I’ve formed. If you’re a democratic left-winger – you’re in. Environmentalists, feminists, socialists (of course!) and liberals are all in. I have a great deal of respect for anarchists because they are people who want to install democracy by ruthlessly crushing capitalism through dictatorial policies against the Right, so I am always open to including anarchists in the democratic left-wing coalition, ronin. You could never be a part of the left-of-centre coalition, ronin! You’re a ronin! You’re stupid! You’re dangerously right-wing! You don’t even know that the capital of Wales is Cardiff! In fact you don’t even know where Wales is! Just for the record, it’s a neighbouring country of England! The left-of-centre coalition will arrest the ronin George W. Bush and the evil Prime Minister Tony Blair and send them to Holland to stand trial for c! rimes against humanity during the 2001 Afghanistan War and that monstrous war in Iraq last year! And we’ll arrest you for racial hatred!
Once again Fascist McFascist doesn’t exist! If he does exist then maybe he could be one of the following…
Your evil President. George “redneck backwoodsman hick” W. Bush.
The man responsible for the loss of three million jobs in three years! The man who has killed fifty thousand people in Iraq! The man who tells regimes not to have weapons of mass destruction when his country uses them repeatedly! He is a fascist and a complete hypocrite! (Even though this has been well-documented many, many times, I thank Michael Moore for re-enforcing it in “Stupid White Men” and thank Rage Against the Machine’s two super songs “Sleep Now In The Fire” and “Guerrilla Radio” for exposing the evils of capitalism)
Ariel Sharon.
Tony Blair (Don’t get me started on this piece of diddly-doo!)
Silvio Burlusconi (Italy’s PM who backed last year’s war)
John Howard (ronin Australian conservative Prime Minister. Also backed last year’s war)
A right-wing Colombian politician (America supplies right-wing Colombians with lots of money)
or…
Fascist McFascist could be you!!!
A dishonorable ronin!
It would explain a lot!
As for a definition on “fascism”. Fascism is the suspension/removal/crushing of the individuals rights in relations with the state. It was founded by Benito Mussolini in Italy in 1919. Fascist regimes have been responsible for the deaths of millions of people over the years. The regimes in Germany from 1933-1945, the Italian regime from the 1920’s-1940s under Mussolini, the Franco regime from the 1930’s to the 1970’s, the Nixon regime in America, the Reagan regime, the Clinton regime and the Bush regimes are some of the worst fascist regimes in history. Fascist regimes target minorities, huge majorities and always the working class. The Hitler regime in particular targeted communists, socialists, Jews, travellers, gypsies, black people and gay people – and so has George W. Bush!
This man has further crushed freedom in America just like many of the Presidents before him. Rage Against the Machine said it the best on the song “Know Your Enemy” from their debut album in 1992. And yes I know George W. Bush wasn’t in power in 1992 – his old man was – but it’s still extremely relevant today, ronin!
RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE “Know Your Enemy” lyrics
What? The land of the free?
Whoever told you that is real happy.
Something must be done
About Democrats, a badger and a nun
‘Cause I’ll rip the mike, rip the stage, rip the system
And then I’ll have to get mommy to fix ’em
www.lyricscafe.com/r/rage_against.htm
I recommend you see a doctor. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again. You CAN get help for your mental illness! You’re crazy-cool disturbed! Wacky-smacky! Pass the word on to the other right-wing nutters you hang around with!
I CHALLENGE YOU RONIN!

American Frank carefully reads the long e-mail, constantly losing attention and staring at shiny things. Finally, he slowly pecks out a response. Has the limey finally broken the ignorant backwoodsman into full rage? Only his response will answer that question:

Limey! Man, I missed you! I’m so surprised! I had just finished the knot on my noose, and then here comes the limey to brighten my day!
Sorry about trying to trick you with those Swiss bank accounts [Ed. Note: I have no frig’n clue what he’s talking about], but that was just to get back at you for showing up at my doorstep in a gorilla costume. I was so scared!
BTW, did you try any of my delimification suggestions? It doesn’t sound like you did, but some people just have to be limey I suppose. I guess God just made you that way, limey.
“Let there be Limey!”
I don’t mean to sound sarcastic; I just have this disorder that makes it sound like I’m sarcastic… really! You’re my bestest limey friend… the bestest ever! I love all the things I learn from you, and I hope you learn lots from my redneck ways. This is like a super cultural exchange – like when the Spaniards slaughtered the Aztecs!
I’m glad to hear you like Die Hard, limey; that movie kicked ass! Yippee kiyay Mother… shut your mouth! Heh heh. You should know, though, limey, that no conservative Americans actually died, because it was movie. Movies are make-believe just like your friends XTREME ONE, Carl, Johnny Depp, and the Spanish Militant.
It’s neat though how you have your army of one to fight for your left wing causes, limey. Do you do most of your fighting through e-mails, or do you sometimes hand out leaflets? You should be careful of those anarchists, though. They’ll turn against democracy because they’re… well… anarchists. And I know where Wales are, you silly limey; they’re in the ocean with the dolphins.
You’re going to arrest me for racial hatred? You’re so silly, limey. If you want to play cops and robbers, I’ll bring the guns, though. “Bang bang! You’ll never take me alive coppers! I’ll hate races and there’s nothing you can do!” That will be fun.
Stop saying Fascist McFascist doesn’t exist, because that is not true, limey. He had an uneventful childhood in Fascistan, then worked at an auto parts store in early adulthood, and finally became the cold hearted dictator of Fascistan through force. He also then produced Rage Against the Machine to sell music to gullible limeys.
That’s an interesting list of fascists you got there, limey. Out of curiosity, is there anyone who isn’t a fascist? I met this guy once who helped jump start my car; I think he might not have been a fascist. I think all cats are, though.
Hitler didn’t like travelers? Wow! I learn such interesting things from you, limey! So, how much traveling did you have to do to have Hitler put you in a concentration camp? Like, I usually visit my family in Idaho twice a year; does that make me a traveler.
And it’s interesting you think Bush is against the Jews; most ranters here say the Jews are controlling his agenda and making him help Israel (it was funny when that man in the wheelchair caught a missile; that’s one more handicapped parking spot freed up). You have such unique rants, limey. You’re right about the anti-gypsy Bush agenda, though. There passing laws against gypsies every other day, and almost everyone is blaming everything here on the gypsies. It’s crazy!
Wow! Those Rage Against the What-not lyrics really spoke to me, limey. I feel like a new man, now. But you should see some of the lyrics to this song, though, that speak about how capitalism crushes all else:
They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning,
No one you see, is smarter than he,
And we know Flipper, lives in a world full of wonder,
Flying there under, under the sea!
Everyone loves the king of the sea,
Ever so kind and gentle is he,
Tricks he will do when children appear,
And how they laugh when he’s near!
They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning,
No-one you see, is smarter than he,
And we know Flipper, lives in a world full of wonder,
Flying there-under, under the sea!
http://home.att.net/~tvthemelyrics/flipper.htm
Think about it, man. Really reflect on it.
Well, don’t take so long to respond again; you’re the bestest limey around and turn my frowns upside-down.
Cordially,
American Frank
P.S. Have you tried taking the pills the doctor gives you along with food? That might help stop the constipation that makes you so crotchety.
Wanker.

Will The Limey continue undaunted, or will American Frank’s carefully chosen music lyrics show him the light. Will American Frank finally break down and become a Rage Against the Machine fan? Find out in the next episode of…
THE LIMEY!

No Comments

  1. First post for me, and first comment. Whee.
    Frank, you rock. I love your site. Stop keeping me from doing work, dang it.
    Best line: “This is like a super cultural exchange – like when the Spaniards slaughtered the Aztecs!”

  2. The Limey has just become too pathetic to be amusing anymore. I know that satire and parody is beyond the brainpower of the Left (see Michael Moore and Al Franken and their lies is satire humor)so I think that the Limey descent into self parody is entirely unintentional, but I’m sure he would enjoy the irony of it if he knows what irony is.

  3. I wrote him another e-mail…
    Dear Limy,
    i like teh emails you send to the renddeck frank on imao. he put tehm up on his web sight becase he is stupud and dosn’t kno wthat he is shoiwng teh truth on his sight and when peeple see it the will kno w not to voet for teh idiost presdent bush. i likE RAGE OOPS I GOT MY COMPETER STUCK ALL IN CAPITELS AGIAN I DON’T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE IT BACK BUT I CAN RIGHT LIEK THIS STILL. I LIKE RAGE AGSINST TEH MACHIEN TOO AND ILIKE WHEN YOU SHOW THERE WORDS TO TEH RIGHT-WEINGRS WHO CAN SEE NOW THE TRUHT!!!1111 I ROTE TO YOU LAST TIME YOU MADE A GOOD LETER BUT YOU DID’T WRITE ME BACK BUT MAYBEE THIS TIME YOU WILL. MY NAME IS IS STEVEN AND I WANT TO BE PART OF YOU’RE COLALITION WITH XTREM ONE AND CARL AND JOHNY DEPP AND SPINASH MILTIANT. I LIVE IN AMERIA SO I CAN HELP TO VOTE SO DUMB BUSH WONT BE PRSIEDNET ANY MORE!!1 YOU ARE BY HERO!! PLEAS WRIET ME BACK
    -AMERCIAN WHO KNOWS TEH TRUHT
    Here’s what I wrote him last time…
    Dear Limy,
    I have been reeding you’re e-mails on IMAO and thay are very good. You should right more becuse teh stupid Amerians needs to now the truth. You should tell him more to teech him and maybee show him why he shouldn’t be a riht-wing fassist. You are very good. I am from Amrica to but I AM SMART NOT LIEK THEM. OOPS, I GOT MY BUTON STUCK ALL IN CAPEITELS AND I DONT KNOW HOW TOO TURN IT OF BUT I CAN STILL TELL YOU I THINK YOU ARE GOOD. MAY BE I CAN GO TO HAVRAD TOO AND BE MORE SMART LIKE YOU AND TELL THOSE RIGT-WING GUYS THEY ARE RWONG. IT WILL BE VARY COOL!!!!1111 YOU SHOULD WRIET MORE LETERS TOO THEM BECAUS THAT WILL HELP TEHM TO LERN. WON TIME I RED A BOOK MY MICHEL MOORE AND IT WAS GOOD SO I SAW TEH TRUHT. I HOPE YUO WIRTE HIM AGAN AND HE WILL LERAN.
    FROM YOU’RE FREIND
    AMERCIAN WHO KNWOS TEH TRUTH!!!!!!!!1111111111111

  4. Okay look firstly how the hell could Hitler hate socialists when the nazi’s were socialists?
    Communism has never been put into action, all the “communist” nations where really just authoritarian socialists (guess their plan was to eventually reach communism).
    Why would he be a socialist when he seems to be the kinda guy who likes individual rights? this Limey is fruit loopy.
    And the biggest problem I had with this kid was his bringing Anarchists into his little world of idiocy. Think he ever even heard of Proudhon? I’ll bet he hasnt, and if he’s reading this post he’ll probably look it up to pretend like he read Proudhon’s writings like years ago…A very Limey thing to do. Anarchism is (put extreamly simply) No government. People governing themselves living peacfully with eachother. Without all the rules restrictions dogmas taboos and various other man-made problems. I repect anarchism, as I do “true” communism, but like “true” communism it wont ever work people are simply just too corrupt and someone will always want more than everyone else.
    Limey = ignorant.
    Socialists = ignorant and lazy
    Communist = Evil authoritarian socialists
    Anarchist= peachy keen
    Capitalist = rich & peachy keen

  5. Aren’t travellers and gypsies the same thing? Did they get oppressed twice by Hitler?
    (Some people use “traveller” to mean Irish nomads and “gypsy” to mean Romany nomads, but Hitler couldn’t have oppressed the Irish Travellers, could he?)

  6. I’m afraid some of us here are trying to psycho-analyze the Limey. Stop now!! The guy is truly wacky-smacky!! I mean c’mon, he has Die Hard on video?? Here in America we have these cool things we refer to as “DVDs”. I’m sorry, but who’s the backwater guy here??

  7. “I mean c’mon, he has Die Hard on video?? Here in America we have these cool things we refer to as “DVDs”. I’m sorry, but who’s the backwater guy here??”
    Hey! I have Die Hard on video.
    The only DVDs I have are seasons 1-3 of the Simpsons and Futurama.

  8. Limey sounds like a silly teenager. Or maybe he’s secretly reading our posts and getting a kick out of his blogdom fame.
    Frank, I really appreciate you editing out the swear words for The Children(TM). I plan on reading this stuff to my kids as an example of what happens to you when you do drugs.

  9. The man who tells regimes not to have weapons of mass destruction when his country uses them repeatedly!
    Uh, I think we’ve only used 2 WMDs against people, and that was in the ’40’s.

  10. Does the Limey realize he just said that the Nazis were against socialism? That would mean that they really had self-esteem issues, and may explani why Hitler killed himself! It was his final desperate attempt to get rid of socialists! I’m assuming any educated person out there would know that the Nazis were the National Socialist Party… And the Limey, yet again, proves that he’s just blabbering aimlessly without thought…
    -Brian

  11. The daisy-cutter or blu-82 and the new MOAB are quite near small nukes (wmd-like) and we did dump a few daisy-cutters on the Taliban. Maybe that’s what the Limey was talking about. Or maybe he’s talking about the Afghan Torando AC130 gunships, they are massively destructive. It was disappointing though that we didn’t drop any MOABs during Shock&Awe.

  12. Geeze…we have a traveller shortage here in New England… thats right Limey we don’t like Old England pukes like you. New (and improved with more cleaning power) England you wanker. Anyway I can’t find enough gypsies and travellers to mow my lawn, wash my windows and serve as targets for my live fire exercises. Could you send some more over?

  13. Hey Frank: I thought I read something somewhere about the commies cleansing more undesirables from the planet than the facists. I could be wrong since I’m a rednecked knuckle dragging American. Limey wanker.

  14. “The man who tells regimes not to have weapons of mass destruction when his country uses them repeatedly! ”
    Yeah, I could have sworn we’ve only ever used two WMD’s, and that was back in 1945. It’s unfortunate really. All those poor nukes sitting in their silos and storehouses with nothing to do but dream about one day incinerating a few hundred thousand communists, terrorists, liberals, and/or ninjas in a roiling ball of cleansing thermonuclear fire.
    And I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m extremely anti-gypsy. I saw one at a fair once, and I’m pretty sure she gave me a dirty look. I think it was just a regular non-gypsy old lady tryin’ to make a few bucks by dressing up and telling fortunes, but if not…

  15. Peon! Worm! Limey!
    How dare you doubt my existence? I will crush you beneath my hobnailed boots! First I will invade Germania, and enslave all the Germaniums. Then I will invade France, no on second thought I will invade Belgium, excuse me; France’s Mini-me. Then it will be your turn Limey! Not even all of the personalities in your head will be a mach for my Facistinian hordes. Then all limeys will be forced to carry a bundle of sticks. Why? It is our symbol dog! One stick by itself can be broken, but a bundle tied together can be set alight to warm your seedy little council flat.
    Bow to your Dictator!
    the Right Reverend Generalisimo Fascist McFascist

  16. The Wales aren`t in the ocean with the Dolphins because the Dolphins are in Miami.
    Hitler must have REALLY hated the blacks like Limey said. In all of those documentaries on THC Jews, Gypsies and gays seemed to have made it through the war (barely) in one form or another but I can say that after viewing all those videos, I have yet to see one single solitary black German from WWII.

  17. My Post for the day

    For one thing, Frank’s Limey has emailed him back, and that’s funny. But I warn you, the Limey has gotten even more insane in this last letter…. I got about 50 responces in my head at a time. Of course, none of them good enough to post, leaving me …

  18. I don’t think the Limey is made up by Frank.. I do think though that he is playing the same game our buddy Frank is.. Ultra-satire..
    I wonder if somewhere out there in his Sprite-esque (LemonLimey! Mmmm) pond he and his friends are getting a laugh at these emails..
    “Ah Lord Limington I see you have gotten another email from our friend Frank in the colonies!”
    “Yes Mr Snugglebuns, I do so enjoy a good row with these yanks..”
    “Aye my Lord, almost as humorous as a man in a dress. That is just a ripping good time.”
    “Mmmm. Yes.. Quite”

  19. The man who has killed fifty thousand people in Iraq!
    Only 50K? Man are we behind schedule, we may need to subcontract Saddams old death squads to up our killing rate! I say we knock off all the Sunnis first. That way there will be less bombing going on.

  20. The Limey appears to be more lifeless than me, and that, my friends, is pretty damned lifeless. I can’t think of anyone who isn’t a cartoon porn obsessed loser who can keep yelling at someone for this long. Too bad he’s wasting all his time trying to convert conservatives to an intellectually inferior ideology, otherwise he might at least discover what it feels like to kiss a woman, but at his rate, he’s probably gonna be a virgin the rest of his life.

  21. Or was it “Rogue in the Mezzanine”
    or “Rage in the Matinee”
    or “Ragging the Watutsi”
    or “Madge in Racine”
    or “Rogge and the Athenes” (Olympic reference)
    or “Deep Purple Against the Machinehead”
    or “Purple Rain Against the Umbrella”
    or “Wages make me feel Clean”
    or “California middle-class punk-poseurs warm the heart of lonely, cold, damp, Limey loser”

  22. I for one am quite glad that the limey & his kind don’t believe in Fascist McFascist. It is well known that true Fascists hate democracy & liberty with the same vitrol that Socialists do, and we have every good reason to suspect that F McF is building WMD’s right now. Clearly we’ll have to invade his country & depose him. I’m glad that when we do, there won’t be any protestors holding up signs saying “no blood for apricots!”
    Hmmmm, the millions that Nixon & Reagan killed, I’ll have to look that up; in the meantime, I see the limey is using the standard liberal playbook — assume that any policies that are inconvenient are equally evil. So to him, having minority groups compete for jobs on a level playing field is equivalent to killing them off.
    It’s just too bad that “The Road to Serfdom” by F.A. Hayek isn’t required reading — but I’d settle at least for the Limey waking up enough to rage against the big media machine that brainwashed him and the trial lawyer machine that’s always looking to create a “victim class”.

  23. I’m convinced the Limey is just some poor shmoe faking his political leanings for attention. Any day now, one of you is going to up and announce you were the Limey all along. I say this because his comments are getting to repetitive (meaning someone is runningo ut of creative juices) and continualy highlights those things that Frank seems to focus on. Its someone just playing iwth all of us, and we’re buying it.

  24. WMDs? We have no WMD’s. We bought these ,um, monuments, yeah that’s right Monuments fair and square from Iraq under the official UN sponsored Food for Scuds program.
    You don’t have to take my word for it, Sean Penn is stopping by as a witless, I mean witness…

  25. I have a cat, and trust me, she is a fascist. She’s an atrociously grouchy little animal who pees on the bathmat when she doesn’t get her way, which means we have to hang it over the shower curtain rod when we’re not using it, which is a pain. She’ll purr and purr, and then turn around and attack us for no apparent reason. She’s a ghastly little beast.
    But she’s cute and fuzzy when she plays with string, so we keep her.

  26. Great post Frank, the way he gathers his life wisdom from RATM songs kind of reminds me of Mary Catherine Gallagher on Saturday Night Live – the way she quotes wisdom from Lifetime movies.
    I don’t know if the limey is this smart, but traveller actually refers to a term commies used to use back in the day to introduce themselves and refer to one another as “fellow travellers”
    Facism is to the way, way extreme left on the political spectrum. As defined by Mussolini it is absolute subservience and submission to the state. The state controls every aspect of life and individual man’s only purpose is to serve the state to the point that man no longer has a seperate personality but takes on a collective state personality.
    I thought about the idea that Frank might be writing as the Limey, but that theory just can’t work. Too many inconsitencies for a man as smart as Frank. Besides, to a person who is not a fan of RATM, the music(if can be called music) is unlistenable, I can’t imagine Frank putting himself through that torture just for a few laughs.

  27. Nice work, Frank J. I suggest in your next post you introduce him to the Underdog theme, which is far superior to anything by “Rage against the Machine that made us rock stars”…… last seen masquerading as Audioslave, once they swapped out zach the roach.

  28. Dreeeeeeeamweaver…

    I really enjoy playing around with Dreamweaver. It’s fun, even though it’s late. That was incoherent. Officially, we have seven weeks to go before the arrival of baby. My folks came over tonight to help with mudding drywall, which is…

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