I feel a little silly posting about babes and PETA today with things getting so heated in Iraq, and, though I know they can’t read this now, I just want to say my prayers are with the troops. I personally know at least one Marine currently in Iraq right now, and I want him to come home safely to his wife. Along with prayers for their safety, I’m also praying for a decisive victory, because that’s what they are there for.
Hell, prayers or not, I’d say victory is assured. You don’t mess with the U.S. military.
Whitler, who we all know isn’t the most frequent writer, has written something specifically on this subject, and he’s a lot better with words than I am.
Archive of entries posted on 7th April 2004
The Search for the IMAO T-Shirt Babe
The concept of the babe in advertising goes back to Adam Smith, who set forth the principle of the invisible hand and the highly visible babe. Thus, to increase my t-shirt sales and further my empire, it has come to my attention that I need an IMAO t-shirt babe.
Such a venture cannot be taken lightly. That’s why I’ve asked the best of the blogosphere to help judge those who would compete for the esteemed title of IMAO T-Shirt Babe. The judges are:
* Me, Frank J., genius extraordinaire and creator of IMAO
* Doug the T-Shirt Guy, capitalistic owner of ThoseShirts.com
* Emperor Misha I, ruler of the blog The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
* Harvey, author of the blog Bad Money and winner of the contest that never happened and will not be mentioned again
* Bill Whittle, brilliant essayist and guy in flight suit from Eject! Eject! Eject!
* Blackfive, victim of the French’s greatest military victory ever (he got a reprimand for insulting a French General)
* John Hawkins, pundit/interviewer/humorist of Right Wing News
* Glenn Reynolds, author of Instapundit and supreme overlord of the blogosphere
Plus, one more judge will be added by a short contest that I will detail below.
So, ladies, you are probably asking yourself what you need to do to be the IMAO T-Shirt Babe. First, be a babe. Second, have a photo taken (it needs to be recent) displaying your babeness. Third, to prove your babeness, write a short (200 words or less) hawkish statement (we can’t have someone wearing a, anti-terrorist t-shirt who deosn’t actually want terrorists dead). Finally, e-mail a digital copy of the photo, your short essay, name, and website URL (if you have one) to me with the subject “IMAO T-Shirt Babe”.
What are the prizes, you ask? Well, you win the job of IMAO T-Shirt Babe, and what could look better on a resume for a future model than that (Answer: Nothing!). Plus, you’ll be adding one more job to the economy thus helping Bush get reelected. You will receive all the IMAO t-shirts, of course, so you can model them. And, as payment for the modeling pictures, you will receive one hundred dollars cash (or check or paypal… whatever works for ya) and a $100 shopping spree at ThoseShirts.com. Plus, if you do a good job, Doug the T-shirt Guy may have more modeling work for you. Also, depending on participation, I may have t-shirt prizes for finalists. And, I might add as a prize a date with me, but I’m afraid a prize like that might make it sound like I’m too desperate to get a t-shirt babe.
To give everyone plenty of time, the deadline is three weeks from now, April, 28th, 11:59AM eastern time.
So spread the word, ring the bells, and notify the press; the contest has begun. Good luck to all participants, though only one will achieve the immortality that is being the IMAO T-Shirt Babe.
Judge Contest: So the guys have a contest too, I’m giving you a chance to join the crËme de la crËme of the blogosphere (and Harvey) in being a judge. To enter write a short (100-words or less) over the top statement about how IMAO the best website… nay… the best thing ever. E-mail it and your preferred appellation to me with the subject “IMAO is Super Great!” and I’ll pick my favorite (and thus the winner). If it’s really good and pithy, not only will you get to be judge, but your statement and name will end up on my sidebar. You have 48 hours from the time of this post to enter.
All entries will become property of IMAO. Immediate family of the judges are ineligible to enter. Void where prohibited (if you live in one of these prohibited void places, please tell me; I’m curious).
UPDATE: The reason there are no female judges is that, if I asked a woman to be a judge, she would then be ineligible to be the IMAO T-Shirt Babe, and I just can’t take that dream away from anyone.
Know Thy Enemy: PETA
PETA is an annoying bunch, now trying to put the Colonel out of business by giving kids buckets of blood. Evil people scaring kids and trying to put Colonels out of business! I’m going to sic my crack research staff on them!
FUN FACTS ABOUT PETA
* PETA is an acronym that stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, but, when wrapped around sliced roasted lamb, they’re called GYRO, but I don’t know what that stands for.
* They think that animals, things that care not for Christian values and claw and bite with no sense of morality, should be treated “ethically”. That’s because they’re hippies.
* PETA is against all testing on animals. If they had to choose between curing a sick child and saving an evil feces-flinging monkey, they’ll choose the demon-spawn simian every time (I mean the monkey). Hey, if God didn’t want us experimenting on monkeys, then exactly what the hell did He make them for?
* Many members of PETA like animals more than people, but, ironically, it’s a scientifically proven fact that most animals hate hippies.
* Though they don’t like KFC’s method of killing chickens, their suggested replacement of having each chicken individually strangled with piano wire by a trained assassin is simply not cost effective.
* They think people should be vegetarians, even though plenty of animals eat nothing but meat. Atkins dieters, every one of them.
* I used to tease my dog. I bet PETA wouldn’t like it, but my dog didn’t too… and she was stupid. So there.
* They complain about how veal calves are kept from moving their entire lives, but have yet to prove they would move if given a choice. Cows are lazy.
* PETA had championed eating whales since less whales would have to be killed to feed the same number of people than chickens. That’s crazy. Ever try raising whales on a farm? They really don’t get along well with the horses.
* They want to end the game of chinchilla football, and I don’t want to live in that world.
* Has sued ACME for perpetuating animal against animal violence.
* When it was revealed that Rudy Giuliani had prostate cancer, PETA exploited that to put up ads saying that milk gave it to him. That’s ridiculous. Babies drink nothing but milk and have some of the lowest instances of prostate cancer.
* They claimed that Jesus was a vegetarian even though in the seventh station of the cross Jesus pauses to enjoy a hamburger.
* PETA has had links with the eco-terrorist group ELF, know for having the gayest name of all terrorist groups.
* If surrounded by violent PETA activists, just hold a gun to a kitten’s head until they back off.
* In a battle between Aquaman and PETA, Aquaman would be fined for disturbing the peace of fish. Unable to pay the fine, Aquaman would have to serve jail time, and you know someone like him just isn’t going to last in jail. Poor Aquaman.
* It would be funny to teach a parrot to say, “PETA is a bunch of stupid hippies!” and then abuse it so PETA has to take him in. Then again, it would be hard to abuse something that spoke such truth.