So last Wednesday I met with Bill Whittle for lunch at a local barbeque so that I might impart some of my wisdom to him to help with his only little webpage.
When I arrived he had already gotten a seat. “Hi. I’m Frank J. Fle…”
“I’m Bill Whittle!” he interrupted, “Master essayist of the blogosphere! Sit and be quiet!”
I stared at him sternly, but I wasn’t looking for a fight. Thus I sat and made my order. “You make some interesting yet long essays,” I said, trying to move the conversation to a more friendly subject, “So do you plan on writing more about America and patriotism?”
“Bah! Those subjects are of no concern to me!” he announced, “All I want is set the world record for longest blog post ever! When you start reading it, it will be topical, but moot by the time you finish! Muh ha ha ha!”
“You’re insane!” I cried.
“That’s what they said of Charles Manson,” Whittle responded, “but he’s famous now!”
Luckily, the food now came to break up the awkward conversation. Whittle took one bite and then threw the meal at the waitress. “That wasn’t cooked well enough for the Bill Whittle,” he screamed, “Cook it again.”
“I’ve had enough of your ego!” I finally announced, “You will apologize to that waitress!”
“I apologize to no one!” Whittle shouted, “Especially not at the behest of the author of IMAO, which humor is trite and repetitive!”
“You’ll pay for that insulting yet somewhat true remark!”
Whittle jumped up on top of the table. “I pay for nothing! I am the greatest writer ever, and you will bow before me, you son of a white chicken!”
“You have insulted me and my family’s honor,” I uttered with latent rage. I then smashed the table into with a mighty chop, tumbling Whittle to the ground. “We must settle this as all disputes between bloggers – kung fu fight in the parking lot!”
Whittle picked himself up. “So be it.”
Both of us were wearing a Nuke the Moon t-shirt, so we were equally armed. I could see from his stance, though, that his kung fu was inferior to mine.
Bill Whittle chooses the “Dyslexic Monkey” stance
My dragon claw style took care of him without me breaking a sweat. I then headed back to work, vowing to never meet other bloggers in person unless it’s some speaking event where I’m paid.
Did he try the ‘My Face to Your Fist’ technique?
See, now, hear him tell it, you tried using your “Smash his foot with my buttocks” move, and it didn’t go well for you.
So… does this mean the Alliance will have to start telling filthy lies about Bill Whittle now?
Hmmm…Bill Whittle’s favorite meal?
Baby Seal Club Sandwich.
Him and the Puppy blender will probably start their own cable TV cooking show.
Wait a second… Bill’s “Nuke the Moon” t-shirt should have made him immune to physical damage! Something doesn’t add up here.
Frank J.’s style is more supernatural than physical, actually. So it does work out.
At least he remembered the name of your website this time…
It may be more fun to kick ass, but it is better in the long run to drug the guy and hypnotize him till he agrees you’re the greatest.
Wow.
Wait, this is the same guy with the, “Confronted with .45, defends self with toy airplaine” thing, isn’t he? And he wanted to go up against you, Ronin? Now THAT’s the sort of fight I would pay good money to see. But I would have to pay it by the minute since buying the time in bulk and paying by the hour would leave me sitting around, staring at the cleanup crew for the grand majority of the purchased viewing time. sighs
Me thinks that someones jock is on wrong this morning
Monkeys can read?
Now I’m going over to Whittle’s site to get his side of the story. Should be interesting.
hehe great stuff as usual Frank J. Fle….. hmmmm Fle_______?
Hmm… actually Frank, I heard you were on the ass-end of an ass-kicking. Are you calling Bill a liar? 😀
How could you do that and sleep at night? I would have paid for His Whittleness’ meal, bowed to him, and given ANYTHING he wanted, no questions asked!!!!!
Wow dviant, that’s impressive. Did you figure that out all yourself?
Deviant – it’s Fleming 😉
–Ahem… has anyone bothered to ask Mr. Whittle what his position is on the panda controversy? Anyone???
–I’m just sayin’…
Is it just me, or does he look like Tim Robbins?
The Chu,
without the glasses, he doesn’t.
Why is Whittle defending Theresa Kerry’s SUV?
As much as I like the Whittlemeister, and the no-doze company likes me for buying their product to stay awake for his essays, he looks waaaaay to George Clooney-ish for me in that picture.
Note to Whittle: Backwards baseball cap and reflective sunglasses might frighten Frank more than your fighting stance….I’m just sayin’ ….
“Ahem… has anyone bothered to ask Mr. Whittle what his position is on the panda controversy? Anyone???”
Devil Dog, what do you think the lighly cooked meal was?
Yummm, Panda …