“Damn for’ners hiding in religious sites,” Buck the Marine grumbled. He then stuck his head up from his cover. “Have respect for your own religion!”
He ducked at the response.
“Permission to attack the mosque with extreme prejudice, sir” Buck said into his radio.
“Permission denied,” his commanding officer answered.
“How about moderate prejudice, sir?”
“No. I don’t want to get yelled at again. Hold position and try not to get shot.”
Suddenly a UFO flew overhead and destroyed the mosque with a laser. Reporter soon flocked around the area with cameras.
“Wasn’t me!” Buck called out, “Honest!”
“I will continue to destroy symbols of the American President’s religion in vengeance for his subterfuge against me,” Xanax announced angrily on T.V., “That is, until he meets with me personally to negotiate earth’s surrender. Muh ha ha ha!”
“So you told him you are Muslim?” Condi asked Bush.
“Yeah, aliens are stupid,” Bush said. He then picked up a copy of New York Times. “I can’t believe with an impending alien attack they’re still leading with Abu Grahib. At least we finally found some WMD’s in Iraq; maybe that will help me in the polls… if humanity isn’t destroyed, I mean. So, any new plans to attack the aliens?”
“Well, we were going to attack the mothership with nuclear missiles,” Condi answered, “but then we saw a big sign on the side that says, ‘Invulnerable to Nuclear Missiles’.”
“Dammit!” Bush yelled. “So, Rumsfeld, do you have any ideas.”
Rumsfeld snored.
“Dammit times two!” Bush exclaimed, “He’s taking his afternoon nap. You know how cranky he’ll be if we try and wake him.”
“We need more time to form a plan,” Condi said.
“Well, maybe we can fool Xanax again to stall him,” Bush mused, “but how…”
Chomps then walked up to Bush holding out a gun in his mouth and wagging his tail.
“Aww, isn’t that cute,” Bush said, “Chomps wants to play ‘Murder the Hippies’.” A thought then struck Bush like a baseball bat to a jack-o-lantern. He turned to Condi. “Do we have any three-piece suits… in rottweiler size?”
“So where are we?” Jacques Chirac asked his aide.
“We are in a place the stupid Americans call ‘Arizona’,” the aide answered.
“But we must get to New York to surrender humanity before those vile Americans have a chance to save it!” Chirac declared.
“But how will we get there in time?” the aide asked.
“To the surrender mobile!”
“Finally, I get to meet the earth’s angriest president face to face,” Xanax laughed, but then looked at the president more closely. “But why does this human walk on four legs unlike the others? And why is his entire face covered in dark follicles of hair unlike other humans? And he seems much angrier than other humans.” Xanax then stared at the president even more closely. “Very much angrier.”
“The president will pay for this!” Xanax swore as the cell door closed on Scott McClellan and Chomps.
Scott looked to Chomps. “I guess we’ll have to get out of this one together.”
Chomps turned to Scott and started growling.
“Help! Help!” came a scream over the radio in the war room.
“Who is this?” Bush demanded.
“It’s Scott!”
“You’re still around?” Bush chuckled, “I thought the aliens would have vaporized you by now.”
“I’m stuck in a cell with Chomps and he’s trying to kill me!” Scott yelled.
“Well, there’s nothing else in the room for him to kill,” Bush answered, “What do you expect?”
“Please help me!”
“Fine,” Bush grumbled and then hit a switch to talk to Chomps’s hidden communicator. “Calm down, doggie. Nice doggie.” Bush heard even more ferocious snarling in response. Bush switched back to Scott’s communicator. “Apparently hearing voices in his head makes Chomps even angrier.”
“You have to help me! I don’t know how much long…”
Bush turned off the communication system. “So what’s next, Condi?”
“I think Xanax is going to be really mad after how Chomps nearly tore him apart,” she said.
Bush thought for a moment. “Don’t worry. I have a new plan so great that there is no way it could fail– No way at all– Even though I thought of it.”
“What’s that I hear?” Zatoichi asked, “sounds like a tubby man hanging from a light fixture and squealing while a ferocious dog in a tuxedo tries to bite him.”
“Close, old chap,” Tony Blair answered, “The dog is actually in a three-piece suit.”
“Why are you guys here?” Scott asked as he took a momentary break from squealing.
“Well, your president had this plan,” Blair answered, “and, needless to say, it didn’t quite work – no reason to go into the details – so here we are, the Prime Minister of Britain and a blind samurai. Cheerio.”
“Can you help stop Chomps from trying to kill me?” Scott asked.
Blair looked at the snarling dog for a moment. “Afraid I’m going to have to say no to that one.”
“Ha ha! Dog so want to bite chubby man!” Ichi laughed.
“That is pretty funny,” Blair chuckled, “Anyway, we need to put our heads together to stop these aliens. I’m sure between my British wit, Ichi’s samurai skills, Chomps’s anger, and Scott’s… uh… tubbiness, we can find a way out of this cell and show these nasty invaders what for!” Blair checked his watch. He then walked to the little window to the cell’s door and called out, “I don’t know if you hideous alien guards are aware of the Geneva Convention, but it’s tea time.”
“Enough tricks!” Xanax shouted, once again having taken over the airwaves. “The American President will meet with me personally or, instead of enslaving you puny humans, I will destroy your pitiful planet! Muh ha ha ha!”
“I really am getting annoyed at this guy interrupting my favorite T.V. shows,” Bush declared, “It’s time for drastic action. But, do we having anything we can fight aliens with?”
“We might have something,” Condi answered.
“What?”
Condi leaned forward towards Bush, placing her palms on the war room table and staring Bush right in the eyes. “The Republican Attack Machine!”
TO BE CONCLUDED…
I can see it’s going to be a strange day.
Why the hell couldn’t Chomps take out Xanax?
Oh well, at least Tubby is in trouble…^_^
Awww… another TO BE CONTINUED? Frank, you’re killing me!
Oh, and more Tony Blair, please!
I’m already laughing in anticipation 🙂
I can’t wait for a better description of the Surrender Mobile.
hahahaha Surrendermobile hehehehe A little yellow Citron maybe? One of those old ones with the flat sides and no grill. With a roof that opened like a tuna can….. little french flag sticker on the door. And little white flags mounted on each fender! hehehehehehe
–“Apparently hearing voices in his head makes Chomps even angrier”
–Whoa… that was too damn funny!!! Great line!!!!!
outstanding…
“I don’t know if you hideous alien guards are aware of the Geneva Convention, but it’s tea time.” hahahahaha!
how do you come up with this stuff?
“No reason to go into the details – so here we are, the Prime Minister of Britain and a blind samurai.” Hehe, CHAMPAGNE comedy! toasts
Part duh
Chomps tries to kill aliens in part 2 of War of Frank’s Worlds….
Frank, you evil fiend. NOBODY can withstand an onslaught from the Reblican Attack Machine! It is so ruthless, nobody has yet to get a picture of it on the battlefield. Anyone who even sees it dies! Is it a tank? A hovercraft? Or is it a giant robotic likeness of Reagan?
Arrrrrgh….can’t…..wait…..anticipation…..killing me!
genius.
Can the conclusion of this IMW feature Tony Blair’s grisly death, please, Frank? It would be even better if it was at the paws of my darling Chomps – we all know how much Chomps hates socialists.
But I like Tony Blair. Even if he is a socialist, he speaks really eloquently for the justness of the war.
Well, according to Reuters, it is no longer the war on terror. It is now the “so-called” war on terror.
” Many suspected al Qaeda and Taliban fighters captured in the so-called war on terror are being held at U.S. facilities in Bagram, Afghanistan, and Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, but some are “held incommunicado at undisclosed locations,” according to the ICRC.”
Full story is here:
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=574&u=/nm/20040521/wl_nm/afghan_redcross_dc_2&printer=1
Isn’t Reuters French for bullshit?
“I really am getting annoyed at this guy interrupting my favorite T.V. shows,” Bush declared
Oh yeah! This was a fantastic IMW. Even though I agree that Chomps could take any dumb alien, it was still resplendant with my hero Buck, lasers, tubby Scott jokes, and more! I’m picturing the Surrender Mobile with a gigantic bullhorn on top that broadcasts “We Surrender!” in every language.
Cheerio!
I saw the Oscar Mayer Weenie Mobile in Tempe on Wednesday. I wish I had known that Jacque Chirac was in it!!!! Dang!!
Please tell me Chomps was just holding back and saving his energy for the exciting conclusion!!!!!
Bumpersticker on the back of the Surrender Mobile:
“My other car is yours to do with as you please.”
Frank,
Are you SURE The Limey isn’t Tony Blair giving into to his base socialist nature? Isn’t Petin french for Blair?
Just a thought…
Good one, Frank.
Did you consider making Chomps a Cujo-like St. Bernard? He’d be a killer, but everyone, including Xanax, would be like “Awwwww. How sweeeeet. You’re a purty dog. YES YOU ARE! Yes you are.” Then, they’d get their faces ripped off. 🙂
Frank, don’t forget to try and add your favorite Washington intern, Brian, who is in Congressman Mark Foley (R-16, FL)’s office!
Frank, this is fantastic! Highlights: Surrender mobile, the world’s angriest president, the aliens appear to only have one cell, and of course the Republican Attack Machine. I can’t wait for the conclusion.
How ’bout Buck rescuing Chomps? Have those two ever met?….they need to work together at killin’ fur’ners.
Republican Attack Machine…hehehehe.
Oh, pretty please, Frank? Just because he’s right about this one thing doesn’t mean he’s a good man. And it would make me sooooo happy!
Very funny stuff… again! Favorite line: “To the surrender mobile!” I was in tears man!
Chirac in Arizona?
Damn! Now we’ll never get the smell out of our state!
If Chirac was in Arizona, people would mistake him for a Saquaro catus holding his arms up.
Surely Condi wouldn’t believe an ‘invulnerable to nuclear missles’ sign on alien spaceship without testing it first? Besides, you know she wants to be sure…
I would suppose the “Surrender Mo-beeee-il” (a little French pronunciation there) is probably a Renault R5, which some of might recognize as those “Le Car” cars, except they’ve got turbos on ’em. All the quicker to make it to the surrenduring, nez pas?
Part III
Bush slapped his forehead, “But I lent it to the Vast Risk Wing Conspiracy Corp last week!”
….
These are more than I can stand–thankfully I’ve a chair to sit in while I read! More Blair, definitely, cannot wait for full descriptions of the two ‘mobiles.
“You’re still around?” –Love it!!!
“To the surrender mobile!”
Best one liner yet.
Chase, Alliance Covert Activities Attache to the Great State of Alabama
“To the surrender mobile!” and Blairs “Cheerio!” Comments are the greatest I tell you! The greatest!
Does Buck know about the Republican Attack Machine?
And shouldn’t there be some big orchestra playing that “dun-dun-daaaaaaaah! look-what-hideous-thing-just-developed” musical cue after any mention of the R.A.M.?
What WMD were found in Iraq? Mustard and Sarin Gasses aren’t WMD…
Blair looked at the snarling dog for a moment. “Afraid I’m going to have to say no to that one.”
HAHA, Frank that’s too good.
-Viking Lord
Blinks
Blinks: Blogosphere Links to other cool stuff around the blogosphere …. Emperor Misha fantasizes about June 7, 1944 and the “quagmire” in Europe. The guys at DGCI take exception to Nancy Pelosi’s “Jumping The Shark” and fisk the living daylights…
Frank, I love you. Just reading the first part is enough to make my day. Damn democrats! Gone and corrupted Mrs. Thomas….
Hi, Frank!
Just found your site, and I am damn glad I did.
Laughing my butt off, man! Xanax, what a great name! All of it is hilarious! You are a genius!
But look, Frank, I really, really HATE cliffies!
but Maranna, the cliffs are soooo worth it!
Excellent! Zatoichi and the return of Tony Blair! Best previous line:
Bush: “But don’t worry, Tony, I’ll think of something to get us out of here.”
“That’s very good and all,” Blair answered, “but you aren’t really known for ‘thinking’.”
(from ‘Attack of the Belgians’)
Must have Blair fight scenes! Must have Blair fight scenes NOOOOOW!
(Minor point: in the UK “Cheerio” doesn’t mean “Hi.” It means “Goodbye.”)
please, please let there be a movie version of this, the sooner the better.