Flying Space Monkey is having his first blogiversary, plus, he has this awesome post comparing the blogosphere to Voltron which has some excellent insight on the nature of Voltron. He needs more clever post titles, though. In a post where he says the blogosphere is like Voltron, he entitles the post “The Blogosphere Is Like Voltron.” What’s up with that?
Also, Iowahawk has a noir thriller about Dan Rather’s search for the truth. I’d kill him because his humor is becoming a threat to mine, but at least he mentions me in the story.
Archive of entries posted on 23rd September 2004
You Don’t Get a Vote Because We Can Bomb You
I found this editorial arguing that all other countries should be able to vote in the U.S. Presidential election since our decisions have effects on the rest of the world. To this columnist I say, dingus, the reason America is so powerful and domineering is because you guys all suck so much. You don’t get the vote for the same reason ants and bacteria don’t get to vote: you are small and insignificant, and we don’t want your suckitude rubbing off on us. Actually, it can be argued that the reason America is so great is because we don’t have people like those who populate other countries influencing us.
So stop trying to meddle in business where you’re not wanted, limey, and save your energy for cowering in fear at our every action.
Nuke the Hurricane!
This is crazy. I’m starting to feel like I’m in London in the forties under constant threat of being bombed by the Nazis.
Only a little over two more months of this left…
The Answers, My Friend, Are Blowing in the Wind…
The Republicans now have ads that show Kerry windsurfing and talk about his… uh… dynamic viewpoints on lofty issues. It reinforces he’s a flip-waffler while also making him look elitist and goofy. Democrats are crying foul saying that, with all that is going on, these ads are childish. To them, I say, it’s not we Republicans’ fault you guys nominated a total goober.
UPDATE: You can see the Ad at Bush’s webpage. There is another similar by a 527 with a surferbabe voiceover, but I don’t know where that one is.
So Much to Say
The presidential debates are coming up, and I thought I should share some of my wisdom by telling you about the type of debates and the strategies most likely to be employed by Bush and Kerry campaigns.
TYPES OF DEBATES
Jim Lehrer: Debate where Jim Lehrer moderates. The most common debate type throughout history.
Panel: A panel of journalists (plus one celebrity panelist such as Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley) ask the candidates questions. Each candidate is allowed to jump and pummel one and only one panelist, so he needs to make sure to choose wisely.
Town Hall: Normal, everyday morons who are undecided get to ask the candidates questions. Sometimes this disillusions a candidate so much that these are the people he’s trying to win the favor of that he drops out.
Confrontational: Candidates ask each other questions directly. In some formats, checking is allowed (though no punches or you go to the penalty box).
Shots: In this style of debating, a candidate can pass on answering a question if he takes a shot of whiskey instead. It takes a lot of strategy because, while some questions may hurt the candidate, the more he drinks, the more likely he is to go off the talking points and get in trouble. This debate is timed, but it usually ends when the debate is reduced to nothing but vomiting and ethnic slurs.
Steel Cage: The candidates are locked in a steel cage. Usually has less policy discussion and more blows to the head with folding chairs. Unlike the other debates, this one always has a clear winner because ONLY ONE LEAVES THE CAGE!
DEBATE STRATEGIES
So, what are the strategies for the debaters? Since Bush is ahead, he’s best not saying anything. He should respond to questions with a “Feh,” “Bah,” “Whatever,” or a simple shrug of the shoulders. This works well since Bush don’t talk so good and it keeps the heat on Kerry to produce answers.
For Kerry, he needs to make inroads. He has to show he’s strong enough to be commander in chief. Maybe for that, he can casually mention he served in Vietnam by starting each answer with “Having served in Vietnam,” “That reminds me of when I served in Vietnam,” or “Before I answer this question, I would like to gratuitously mention that I served in Vietnam.” Now, his anti-war activities may be brought up, including that he claimed he and others committed war crimes. I have the perfect response for him, though. He should say, “Yes, I did commit war crimes in Vietnam, using biological weapons on Vietnamese villages. And, to atone for that awful deed, I inject botulism into my face each and every day.”
Also, Kerry has to show that he’s not a flip-waffler. To do that, he should mention his position on Iraq in the introductory remarks and make sure that matches up with what he says in his concluding remarks. If he can keep the same position on Iraq for a whole debate, voters will be impressed.
For the Vice Presidential debate, John Edwards’s strategy should be to stand there and look pretty… since that’s about all he knows how to do. Oh, and he can threaten to sue. Plus, he needs to make sure Cheney doesn’t get him in a headlock and beat the crap out of him.
For Cheney, he needs to impress upon the five or six people watching the VP debate that he isn’t as mean as the Democrats portray him. That means he probably shouldn’t put John Edwards in a headlock and beat the crap out of him… but I say do it anyway.
And that’s all I have to say about that. These debates promise to be exciting!
…Okay, that’s a dirty lie. It should at least fill some of the time on the 24 hours news channels, though.
Tragic… Yet Understandable
I think this story stresses the importance of marrying a woman who does not in any way resemble a monkey. It is very tragic, but, if I thought I saw a monkey in my backyard, my policy would be to shoot first and ask questions later too.
Pajama Malfunction
K-Lo makes a great point about the blogosphere: while we were patting ourselves on the back for exposing a huge news scandal with forged documents in the MSM, we were all complete fooled by the fake Britney Spears wedding. Where was Charles Johnson using his typeface expertise on the marriage license? Where was Power Line tracking all the consitencies between the supposed wedding and a real wedding? Where was INDC Journal calling an expert on weddings to expose the fraud?
When it all really came down to the line, the pajamahadeen was MIA. In the end, the blogosphere still remains less than useless… like the U.N.
Question of the Day
Is it okay to regime change as many countries as we want out of the principle that it’s just wrong to share the planet with a culture like this that gives a bad name to humanity – and thus us all?
Actually, I think the man makes a good point in the last sentence of the article. If we don’t beat other countries enough, they won’t be scared enough to obey us.
What do you think?
Ronin Thought of the Day
Master Reagan was to have said:
Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn’t pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it was once like in the United States where men were free.
Liberty is not a destination, but a constant battle. Ponder this well.
In My World: Unimpeachable Source
“Some have raised questions about our document,” Dan Rather stated, “Saying it is not in fact a previously unearthed chapter of the Bible but instead is something written with a ballpoint pen on the back of a T.G.I. Friday’s napkin. All this debate just distracts from the point, though, that Bush has not answered questions about whether God did command him to go to a physical and he disobeyed.”
Dan Rather paused to listen to his earpiece. “We go now to a Whitehouse Press Conference.”
Behind a podium stood Whitehouse Press Secretary Scott McClellan. “I just wanted to hold this emergency press conference to tell you all that nothing strange is happening.”
“Is the President escaping police in the Intelligence Czar’s rocket car?” one reporter asked.
“He’s just taking it for a little ride,” Scott answered.
“What about the stolen Iraqi oil?”
“It was temporarily misplaced, and that is being handled,” Scott told them, “Let’s not blow things out of proportion.”
“Does the President have the intelligence to control the Intelligence Czar’s rocket car?”
“That’s uncalled for,” Scott responded.
“So what are you going to do about it, Tubby?” the reporter challenged.
“Well… uh…” Scott stared at his feet. “Nothing.”
Laura Bush entered the war room, walked past Condi and Rumsfeld playing ping pong, and went to the communications console. “Anyone there at the Iraqi oil storage?” she said into it.
“Buck the Marine reporting, ma’am. Who am I speaking too?”
“Laura Bush. Someone has framed my husband with the stolen oil. I need you to look for clues.”
“Does that involve shooting people?”
“No.”
“Then I’m probably not very good at it, ma’am.”
“Just see if you can find anything where the oil was.”
“I did find one thing,” Buck said, “It’s a Democratic National Committee membership card.”
“What’s it say?”
“Lemme see here… ‘Bill Burkett: Nutso Bush Hater and Unimpeachable Source for CBS’. Does that help?”
“A lot. Thanks, Buck.” Something then struck Laura in the back of the head.
“Ball, please,” Condi called out.
“Are you the President of the United States?”
“No,” Bush answered the 7-11 clerk, “Now gimme my jerky.”
Bush then turned to see a familiar face. “Osama bin Laden!” Bush yelled.
Osama dropped the People magazine he was reading and ran out the door with Bush in hot pursuit. Osama then jumped in a hole.
“Dammit! Escaped down a rabbit hole again!” Bush exclaimed. He then looked down the hole and shook his fist. “I’ll catch you yet, Osama bin Laden!”
Bush’s cell phone then rang. “If this is the police, you’re not talking to George W. Bush,” Bush answered.
“It’s your wife. Bill Burkett was the one who framed you. You need to head to Texas.”
“Thanks, dear; will do.” Bush jumped in the Intelligence Czar’s rocket car and sped off. In a minute’s time, he was in front of Burkett’s home. Bush walked to the door and pounded on it.
“What do you want?” Burkett yelled as he opened the door.
“You framed me!” Bush yelled, “And I’m going to make you pay!”
“Ha! You’ll never catch me!” Burkett laughed.
Bush shot out his hand and grabbed Burkett by the wrist. “Ha! Caught you!”
“Well, I’ve been cleared of all charges,” Bush told his staff, “but Burkett wouldn’t admit to working with the Kerry campaign.”
“You know they’re behind this,” Cheney said, “Big time!”
“We need to get vengeance!” Condi added.
“Don’t bother me until you’re ready for another war,” Rumsfeld growled.
“Forged documents and now framing me,” Bush stated, “That’s dirty pool. It’s time to strike back at Kerry and strike back big!”
TO BE CONTINUED…