The presidential debates are coming up, and I thought I should share some of my wisdom by telling you about the type of debates and the strategies most likely to be employed by Bush and Kerry campaigns.
TYPES OF DEBATES
Jim Lehrer: Debate where Jim Lehrer moderates. The most common debate type throughout history.
Panel: A panel of journalists (plus one celebrity panelist such as Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley) ask the candidates questions. Each candidate is allowed to jump and pummel one and only one panelist, so he needs to make sure to choose wisely.
Town Hall: Normal, everyday morons who are undecided get to ask the candidates questions. Sometimes this disillusions a candidate so much that these are the people he’s trying to win the favor of that he drops out.
Confrontational: Candidates ask each other questions directly. In some formats, checking is allowed (though no punches or you go to the penalty box).
Shots: In this style of debating, a candidate can pass on answering a question if he takes a shot of whiskey instead. It takes a lot of strategy because, while some questions may hurt the candidate, the more he drinks, the more likely he is to go off the talking points and get in trouble. This debate is timed, but it usually ends when the debate is reduced to nothing but vomiting and ethnic slurs.
Steel Cage: The candidates are locked in a steel cage. Usually has less policy discussion and more blows to the head with folding chairs. Unlike the other debates, this one always has a clear winner because ONLY ONE LEAVES THE CAGE!
DEBATE STRATEGIES
So, what are the strategies for the debaters? Since Bush is ahead, he’s best not saying anything. He should respond to questions with a “Feh,” “Bah,” “Whatever,” or a simple shrug of the shoulders. This works well since Bush don’t talk so good and it keeps the heat on Kerry to produce answers.
For Kerry, he needs to make inroads. He has to show he’s strong enough to be commander in chief. Maybe for that, he can casually mention he served in Vietnam by starting each answer with “Having served in Vietnam,” “That reminds me of when I served in Vietnam,” or “Before I answer this question, I would like to gratuitously mention that I served in Vietnam.” Now, his anti-war activities may be brought up, including that he claimed he and others committed war crimes. I have the perfect response for him, though. He should say, “Yes, I did commit war crimes in Vietnam, using biological weapons on Vietnamese villages. And, to atone for that awful deed, I inject botulism into my face each and every day.”
Also, Kerry has to show that he’s not a flip-waffler. To do that, he should mention his position on Iraq in the introductory remarks and make sure that matches up with what he says in his concluding remarks. If he can keep the same position on Iraq for a whole debate, voters will be impressed.
For the Vice Presidential debate, John Edwards’s strategy should be to stand there and look pretty… since that’s about all he knows how to do. Oh, and he can threaten to sue. Plus, he needs to make sure Cheney doesn’t get him in a headlock and beat the crap out of him.
For Cheney, he needs to impress upon the five or six people watching the VP debate that he isn’t as mean as the Democrats portray him. That means he probably shouldn’t put John Edwards in a headlock and beat the crap out of him… but I say do it anyway.
And that’s all I have to say about that. These debates promise to be exciting!
…Okay, that’s a dirty lie. It should at least fill some of the time on the 24 hours news channels, though.
First!
Not Frank J. “first”!
I vote for a combination shots/steel cage style debate.
LOL (at Frank being first).
this is hilarious, i heart the confrontational debates.
but um, W couldn’t participate in the Shots debate, so i think it shouldn’t be an option. but i’d love to see a Cheney-Edwards Shots debate, Cheney would totally kick Fluffy’s pinkytoe.
It just occured to me how much Cheney looks like Chomps. I’d pay to see Cheney-Chomps take on both Kerry and the BreckGirl in a cage debate.
If Cheney debates Edwards on National TV and “Haliburton” comes up I would almost die laughing to hear Cheney say “F___ Off!”.
Then it would be cool if the FCC fined him $500K for doing it and he would plop down a cool mill and throw in an extra ‘F___ Off to Kerry too.”
I like the cage match idea. I want a bumper sticker that reads: W in ’04-My Candidate can kick Your Candidate’s Butt!
Frank, I don’t want to be bothered with your dirty lies – I ONLY want to see your FILTHY lies.
Please take the appropriate action.
Jonag,
Already got a version of your theme:
My Govenor can Terminate your Govenor!
People here in VA get upset when I say that while wearing my California Republican T-shirt.
I too like the Cage Match debate. However, I’m concerned that the Poodle will have his handler in the corner riling up the crowd much like Bobby ‘The Brain’ Heenan would back in the good ol’ WWF days of the 1980’s. I suppose if Bush is allowed to have Rummy in his corner things will all even out.
Frank:
Awesome advies dude. But I have a question for you to ponder.
Wouldn’t you pay money to see GW take on Wimpy Ka-Waffle in full-scale gladiatorial combat? It would work on sooo many levels. Men would like the blood and gore, (lock-box?), women would like to see GW’s legs and butt in a short skirt and the terroooistas would be like, holy crap now they’re bringing back Imperial Rome; we’d like the crusades better!
I like Connecticut Yankee’s idea. CY – Gladius or Spatha? Or should we go with the trident-and-net, etc stuff?
Byzantine-era Rome, or Julius Caesar-era Rome?
In the confrontional type debate is cross-checking allowed using the podium?
We could make a game show out of debating
…we could call it “MASTER-DEBATOR!”
Dave:
I think JC’s post republic. Gladius or spanish sword and I think they used to fight a merman or son of posiden thing. (Aquaman, Frank?) You gotta love a society that can bring to extinction, so many animals just so the masses are entertained…
Steel Cage Debate:
“Two men enter! One man leaves!”
/Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome
I have personal concerns about the upcoming debates: mainly, has anyone seen Bill Clinton’s charisma in the past couple of months? I’m a bit worried that they’ve extracted this very powerful substance and have it stored for the occasion of the debate, in order to inject John Flipper to give him a charisma boost. Scary thought.
One of the best attributes about Cheney, is that if he keels over, you can jump start him with a 12 volt battery.
I heard Squiggy on the Jim Rome show a while back. Turns out he’s a baseball scout (for the Mariners, I think.) As such, he’s probably a better judge of talent than any ten journalists you could put on a panel with him.
Frank, what ever happened to your threat of the “I pooped my self”. You haven’t enforced it yet, well you did, but only on me :/
Of course, if a debate is held in the Southwest, the “Shots” format would involve tequila shooters. Extra points would be awarded for cursing in Spanish.
We need to initiate the “Great Debates Drinking Game” Line up shots of scotch and shots of coffee. For every use of the phrase “I served in Vietnam” or the word “quagmire” shoot the scotch. For every use of the word “freedom” shoot the coffee. If you make it to work tomorrow, Bush won.
Dubya should just spend the whole debate counting money with oil dripping off of it… just to piss the wackos off 🙂
I wouldn’t be too concerned with Clinton’s “charm” infecting Kerry, the botox is obviously causing some weird reactions within him, maybe attributable to the chemical weapons used in Vietnam, and causing an anti-charm reaction to Clinton. It was so powerful, I think it caused Clinton to have that heart thing.
Did you see that Teresa said we have Osama already, and evil BUsh will release him in October? Talk about October surprise! That would be cool!
I personally think he assumed room temperature when we bombed the snot out of Torra Borra (sp).
Maybe Bush can drag Osama to a debate, and when Kerry blathers on about tax cuts, Bush will snap his finger, and Osama will be sent from the ceiling, hung like a pinada, and distract the press. : )
I vote for Scott’s Idea of OBL pinada as “Best Idea Yet”
Thanks to author for this blog, it was realy excite. Read my blog to.
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AH back in the day when Frank J thought Bushie,Rummy and Darth Cheney were the Holy Trinity and were 100 % perfect. 11/21/20.