Previous Episode

“See how Cheney is beating Edwards in his debate,” Condi asked as they watched the VP debate on T.V.
“It reminds me of the movie Hannibal,” Bush mused, “That part where Hannibal Lector cut out pieces of a guy’s brain, cooked them, and fed it to the guy… except that guy was more coherent than Edwards.” Bush looked to Cheney. “I’m not trying to imply you’re a serial killer or British.”
“Here’s where Edwards ran away crying in the end,” Cheney said with glee, “That’s what you want. Now, you need to practice against your debate partner.”
Bush got up and stood behind a podium. At the other podium sat a parrot.
“Kerry, you get the opening statement,” Cheney, playing the part of the moderator, said.
“Awk! I have a plan! I have a plan! I have a plan! Awk! Polly served in Vietnam!”
“President Bush, your response.”
“You shut up!” Bush yelled as he ran over and hit the bird with a bat.
After the feathers cleared, Cheney growled, “Those birds are expensive! I’m not getting you another debate partner.”
“I’m ready for the debate,” Bush said and started walking away, “Let’s just get to it.”
Condi stopped him. “No bat.”

The crowd applauded as Bush and Kerry walked into the room. Kerry smiled with what looked liked it took great physical exertion (or carefully placed injections). Bush eyed the crowed suspiciously. Both sat at their stools.
“Let’s start this debate,” the moderator Charlie Gibson said, “Being this a town hall style debate, all the questions come from the idiot undecideds around us. Our first question is for Kerry from Jim.”
“How do you respond to charges that you are wishy-washy?” the audience member asked.
Kerry let out a haughty laugh. “Ridiculous. I assume you’re talking about the Patriot Act and No Child Left Behind, but to say I changed my position is a distortion of the facts. What I want you to know is President Bush has lost 1.6 million jobs or something like that and…”
“Actually, I was talking about Iraq,” the audience member interrupted.
“Shut up!” Kerry said, “You don’t get to talk anymore!”
“Kerry is a flip-waffler!” Bush said, pointing an accusing finger, “He voted for the war, but, when he got scared of Dean and his yelling, he voted against the funding! I’m not scared of Dean, though; I punched him in the face once. I also beat up Hagel, but that’s unrelated. Just know that I’ll stand up to terrorists.”
“Next question is for Bush from Carl,” Gibson said.
“Do you think that Saddam simply having knowledge for WMD’s was a good enough reason to invade Iraq?”
“I don’t need reasons for invading places, I’m the President of the United States!” Bush declared, “If I think I sees terrorists, then I kills them.” Bush then pulled out a .45 and shot an audience member. “That guy looked liked a terrorists and now he’s dead. That’s decisive leadership. You won’t get that from Frenchie; he’ll flip-waffle to keep popular with other nations until we’re overrun with people like that guy I just shot.”
“Bush wants you to think I change positions,” Kerry responded, “but I want to tell all of you unequivocally that my position on Iraq has always been consistent.”
The crowd laughed uproariously.
“I’m serious!” Kerry yelled.
The audience laughed even louder. One guy shouted, “That Kerry man is funny! I’m voting for him!”
“Hey, I can tell jokes, too!” Bush stated, “So a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…”
“We’re moving on, President Bush,” Gibson interrupted.
“No, I need to tell this one…”
“Some other time,” Gibson answered, “now…”
“I’m the President of the United States and I get to talk when I want to!” Bush yelled in full rage as he ran over and punched Charlie Gibson.
“Okay! Say what you want!” Gibson pleaded, “Just don’t hit me again!”
Bush walked back to his stool. “Now… Oh, man! I forgot what I was going to say!”
“Then the next question is for Kerry from Jennifer.”
“What exactly is your plan for Iraq, Senator Kerry?”
“It is a great plan, that’s what it is!” Kerry declared, “It’s a plan where good things happen… a plan of plans. I want the American people to know I have a plan. I have a plan to clean up the mess in Iraq! I have a plan to educate our children! I have a plan that will both make your teeth whiter and remove stubborn stains from the carpet. I have a plan for…”
“Your time is up, Senator,” Gibson interrupted, “Apparently the lights aren’t working.”
“I have a plan for that!”
“Man, I wish I had plans,” Bush sighed. “Wait! I do have plans! Kerry is just stealing all my good ideas and saying they’re his plans. He’s an evil flip-waffler who would have left mean-man Saddam in power, and I’d run over and punch Kerry now if weren’t for part of the debate agreement being that I wear a collar that shocks me if I cross the line between us on the stage.”
“Bah! Sanctions and inspections would have worked if Bush were only infinitely patient like me. Why, if we had just gone with sanctions, Saddam would probably have been dead or in prison by now.”
“How the hell would that work?” Bush shouted, “He would just have keeled over from the U.N. yapping at him? Or would he have tortured and killed everyone in his country only leaving himself left to torture? You’re a crazy stupid man, Kerry, and I’m going to find some way to hurt you even with this shock collar on.”
“Bah!”
“The next question is for Bush from Lauren.”
“How will you repair relations with other countries after you have made yourself so unpopular in the world?”
“Now, I’ve done a number of things that are unpopular,” Bush answered, “I pulled out of that stupid Kyoto treaty – what’s Kyoto anyway? And who are other countries to say how many Kyotos we can have? Also, it was unpopular when I wouldn’t join the international court. And it was unpopular when I kidnapped everyone who planned the international court, tried them in our courts, and executed them by catapulting them out to sea. Also, it was unpopular when, after hearing about the oil for food program, I bombed the U.N. headquarters – but it was a short flight since it’s in New York. Also, when I gave Jacques Chirac a wedgie and then pounded his head against a wall… actually, that was popular. Everyone hates the French… except for one guy that is…”
“I will repair relations with France,” Kerry declared, “I will make all countries like us because I have…” Kerry paused for dramatic effect. “A PLAN! I will crawl on my knees and kiss the feet of all other leaders until America is again respected in the world. I am already popular with foreign leaders, too. Why, I met with a number of them, and hardly any of them kicked me in the groin. Also, some foreign leaders who want to go unnamed say I do not entirely disgust them. And I will keep respect in the world by not doing such things as getting my head stuck in a soda machine.”
“I was curious how it worked!” Bush yelled and began to charge Kerry until he remembered the shock collar.
“Let’s move on to domestic issues,” Gibson stated, “The next question is for Kerry from Bob.”
“You’ve mentioned a lot of spending programs, Senator Kerry; how do you plan to pay for them all?”
“I have a plan for that!” Kerry declared, “I will only tax the wealthiest one or two percent… maybe three percent. And that will pay for all my plans plus a free steak dinner for everyone. Bush wants to give everything to the rich, but I will take everything from them… but just those earning more than $200,000. And, as I can tell by looking at you commoners with your off the rack clothing, none of you will be affected.”
“Lies!” Bush yelled, “He’ll tax you all! He has two trillion in spending plans, and he can’t pay for it by taxing just those making over $200,000. A lot of those people are small businessman, too! He’s going to tax all of you and destroy jobs, that stupid Frenchie!”
“You’re using fuzzy math for that two trillion dollar number,” Kerry responded.
“So how much will your programs cost?” Gibson asked.
“Uh…” Kerry mumbled, “Three trillion… But this idea that small business men are going to be taxed is also a deception! Why, bush got $84 dollars from a timber company which makes him a small businessman by his definition.”
Bush furrowed his brow. “I own a timber company? You’re smoking crack.”
“You’re wearing the company jacket right now,” Kerry answered.
Bush turned around to see the logo on the back of his jacket that said, “Crazy Dubya’s Discount Lumber.” “Hey, you’re right,” Bush exclaimed, “Man, I fall off the wagon for one day and I end up with a timber company.”
“Now a question for Bush from Cathy.”
“Why won’t you let in drugs from Canada?”
“Because who knows what those crazy Canucks are up to,” Bush answered, “Them drugs could turn you purple… and they got terrorists running around there like crazy.”
“I will let drugs in from Canada and everywhere else,” Kerry announced, “and they’ll be free, because I have a plan! Plans for free drugs! And all by taxing rich people you don’t know or care about.”
“The next question is for Kerry from Steve.”
“Will you look into the camera and say in clear, unequivocal language that you will not raise taxes on those earning under $200,000?”
Kerry faced the camera. “I will never raise…” He started cracking up. “Let me try again.” Kerry faced the camera again. “I will not…” He then started laughing again. “Calm down, Kerry, you can do this,” Kerry told himself and then looked to the camera. “I…” He then fell off his stool laughing. “Okay I can’t do it.”
“He’s going to raise your taxes!” Bush shouted, “Just look at his record! He’s a liberal and he’s voted to raise taxes 82 million separate times.” Bush pointed a finger at Kerry. “Liberal! Liberal! Liberal!”
“Don’t label me!” Kerry whined, “Bush is just trying to scare you with labels. Oh, and, by the way, Bush want your children to starve, to take away your healthcare, and for you all to die in foreign lands!”
“Liberal! Liberal! Liberal!” Bush responded.
“And now a question for Bush from Jill.”
“Would you say you have a good environmental record?”
“No, I hate the environment.”
Kerry was silent for a second. “I don’t think I have anything to add to that… Oh, yeah: I have a plan!”
“Another question for Kerry, this time from Debbie.”
“Since people have been cured by adult stem cells but no one has been cured by embryonic stem cells, is it moral to destroy embryos to try and find cures?”
“Let me tell you, missy, I have met people with Parkinson’s disease and they were shaking… SHAKING! And thus I have come to one conclusion… EMBRYOS MUST BE DESTROYED!!! We shall live by feasting on the dead!”
“I respect life more than my evil opponent,” Bush said, “That why I allowed funding for only a few stem cell lines.”
“Now he’s flip-flopping!” Kerry pointed out with a haughty laugh.
“You take that back!” Bush yelled as he charged Kerry and was shocked. “Dammit!”
“The next question is for President Bush from anonymous.”
“The Patriot Act is after me, man!” shouted a crazed audience member, “What are you going to do about it?”
“Hey, don’t believe all that crazy stuff you read out on the internets about the Patriot Act; it’s a great law that helps us catch terrorists. Stupid internets spreading lies!”
“So the government isn’t spying on me?” the audience member asked.
Bush laughed. “I wouldn’t go that far–”
“The Patriot Act needs to be reformed,” Kerry answered, “And guess what I have for the Patriot Act?”
“A plan,” the audience all said together in a bored tone.
“That is correct!”
“The next question is for Kerry from Elizabeth.”
“Will you let tax money go for abortion?”
“Now is a good time as any for me to mention something.” Kerry struck a pose. “I served in Vietnam. I am also a Catholic… even though it is true that the pope beat me with his pope staff while his cardinals held me down. Thus, I respect life, but at the same time I can’t let my religious beliefs become law. Now, if you make a graph of the number of abortions, convert it to a symbolic equation, take that integral, and watch how what it equals as x approaches infinity, you’ll find the answer to your question.”
Bush was silent.
“Mr. President, your response,” Gibson prompted.
“I’m still trying to decipher that one.” Bush was quiet for a few more seconds. “Okay, I give up; let’s move on.”
“And now a question for President Bush from Lou.”
“Why have you never vetoed a spending bill?”
“Because… uh… the good reason that…” Bush looked at his feet. “I lost my veto stamp and I was too embarrassed to tell anyone.”
“I will never lose any of my stamps, pens, or staplers!” Kerry declared, “I have a plan! A PLAN!”
“The next question is for Kerry from Donald.”
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld yelled as he ran out and started strangling Kerry until security pulled him away.
“Bush planted the Secretary of Defense in the audience so he would strangle me!” Kerry yelled.
“That’s crazy,” Bush chuckled, “You just don’t have enough resolve to answer a simple strangling.”
“Well try another questioner,” Gibson stated, “This question for Kerry comes from Chomps, the world’s angriest undecided voter.”
The rottweiler ran onto stage and grabbed Kerry, shaking him vigorously. Finally, security lured the dog away.
“Bush planted an angry dog in the audience so it would attack me!” Kerry accused.
“More crazy liberal talk,” Bush laughed, “Kerry just doesn’t have enough resolve to answer a simple mauling. The whole notion that I had some evil plans coming into this debate is correct… I mean crazy!”
“Let’s move on to closing statements,” Gibson said, “Senator Kerry is first.”
“I will not let other nations determine our security!” Kerry said adamantly, “I will find the terrorists and kill them! I will destroy all our enemies!”
“I see a ‘but’ coming,” Bush sighed.
“BUT we must make sure we are popular with all other nations and that everyone loves us. Know that I am an optimist… BUT there will be doom… DOOM… if Bush is reelected. Also… I HAVE A PLAN!”
“President Bush, your closing statement.”
“I have one thing to prove my effectiveness,” Bush said.
Suddenly the doors to the room burst open, and a long procession of men marched in, each one holding a giant bag.
“Everyone of these bags is filled with skulls of dead terrorists,” Bush announced. He then danced about the stage. “Now who is your president?”
The audience cheered.
“We agreed on no props and no cheering!” Kerry yelled, “Why…”
He was cut short as a stool struck him in the head. Kerry then wept, “And you said you’d bolt down the stool so Bush couldn’t do that.”
“I said lots of things,” Gibson answered. He then looked to the camera. “And that concludes today’s debate, once again proving that ninety minutes of talking points can be even less informative than a thirty second ad.”
“Free skulls for everyone!” Bush announced and tossed skulls into the audience.
“This is grotesque,” Kerry said, “Why…” A skull then hit Kerry in the head.
“You get one too.”
TO BE CONTINUED AT THE NEXT DEBATE…