So I went to National Review Online to see the new articles for today, but there aren’t any because they claim it’s a holiday. So I check my Daily Dilbert calendar, and it says it’s Columbus Day (and Thanksgiving in Canada – WTF?!). Man, I don’t get the day off.
Anyhoo, Christopher Columbus was the original screw up. He tried to sail to India by heading west only to be stopped by A WHOLE FREAK’N CONTINENT. He was so PO’d that he then went to killing and enslaving the natives – which was good because they had already mastered the bow and the arrow and it was just a matter of time until they had the ability to sail over to Europe and slaughter everyone. Preemptive strike, yo.
Later the place was named after some random mapmaker because it sounded cool, and now we have the kick ass country we call America. So, today we should all give thanks to India for having such great spices as to send Italians sailing off in random directions using Spanish funding.
First!
(now to read the post)
They should change the holiday to Christopher Reeves day
Ahhh yes, reminds me of a Randy Newmans song.
Wanna hear it? Here it go..
The Great Nations of Europe had gathered on the shore
they’d conquered what was behind them and now they wanted more
so they looked to the mighty ocean and took to the western sea
The great nations of europe in the 16th century
Hide your wives and daughters, hide the groceries too
The great nations of europe comin through
The Grand Canary Islands first land to which they came
they slaughtered all the canaries there which gave the land its name
there were natives there called guanches, guanches by the score
bullet’s, disease the portugese, they weren’t there any more
now they’re gone, they’re gone, they’re really gone
you never seen anyone so gone
there’s pictures in a museum, some lines written in a book
but you won’t find a live one, no matter where you look
Hide your wives and daughters, hide the groceries too
The great nations of europe comin through
columbus sailed for india found salvador instead
he shook hands with some indians and soon they all were dead
they got tb and typhoid and athletes foot, diptheria and the flu
‘scuse me great nations comin through
balboa found the pacific and on the trail one day
he met some friendly indians whom he was told were gay
soooooooooooooo
he had them torn apart by dogs on religious grounds they say
the great nations of europe were quite holy in their way
now they’re gone, they’re gone, they’re really gone
you never seen anyone so gone
some bones hidden in a canyon some paintings in a cave
they’re no use tryin to save them, there’s nothin left to save
hide your wives and daughters, hide your sons as well
with the great nations of europe you never can tell
where you and i are standing on the end of a century
europes have sprung up everyone as even i can see
but there on the horizon is the possiblity
that some bug from out of africa might come for you and me
destroying everything in it’s path from sea to shining sea
like the great nations of europe in the 16th century
Dude, you are so multinational. I thiink you’re trying to build your power base by appealing to liberals. If only the liberals knew it’s a trap.
Christopher Columbus might’ve been a screw-up, but in a way.. he didn’t. He found the best land there is in all the world, and if it wasn’t for him, we might still be bowing down to a king. So, YAY for Columbus!
Hmmph. “Christopher Reeve Day”. Next thing you’ll want it to be called “Christopher Reeve, Ohio”.
Bah, kids these days.
The Americas were named after Amerigo Vespucci, an Italian explorer like Mr. Columbus…errr..Signore Columbus. A German mapmaker named Martin Waldseemuller suggested they name the new world after Vespucci. I’m glad they went with his first name. I don’t think we’d have the national identity we do have if we were all Vespuccians.
1) I’m actually NOT a history professor, but I DID stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.
2) With Google, ANYONE can be an expert!
http://www.studyworld.com/Amerigo_Vespucci.htm
As IMAO’s most loyal Indian reader, I’ll just speak on behalf on India and say you’re welcome. We like America and hope you keep kicking Evil Terrorist Ass.
Kinda wonder if Columbus considered the Indians a nuisance…
Oh, no, wait, sorry, got confused…that’s Kerry thinking about terrorists.
s’cuse signore…
Actually, Columbus wasn’t the first European commander to hit the Americas. The Vikings were.
You can read about it at: http://www.pitt.edu/~dash/vinland.html
I tried to put in a live link, but the ninja squirrel monkeys won’t let that work on this site.
Next you’ll be telling us that they named Greenland because of the lush valleys and Iceland because of the glacier that covers it or vice- versa…
or was it their green tinted sunglasses that made it look that way…
Dude,
Wasn’t Chris Columbus, like, Portugese? Thought he was just a wondering dago that ended up in Spain.
ronin
LOL. “preemptive strike, yo” — that killed me!
Actually, an Irish guy named St. Brendan was here before the Norse. Read about it here St. Brendan
Word is Columbus travelled to his Abbey to study his maps and journals.
Mike
Hey MK, I might have to fight you for the position of Frank’s most loyal Indian reader…
But yes, America, you’re welcome 🙂
Hey! I didn’t know there were other crazy Indians reading IMAO. Since that is quite delightful, Karishma we can share the title…