Frank Bible Quotes: Tobit 4:1-22

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Here is my last Tobit excerpt for the time being. I hope this has been educational for all you non-Catholics who don’t have the book of Tobit.
(SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Some claim posts like this to be blasphemous, and IMAO takes no responsibility if you are turned into a pillar of salt for reading it. Oh, and I’m just kidding, God, but You knew that.)


1 After Tobit had finished plowing his field, he came to rest and said unto the Lord, “Oh, thou art great for creating such a world in but seven days. 2 “Yeah, seven days,” God chuckled. 3 “What is so humorous, Lord?” Tobit did query. 4 “In actually took me a whole month just to figure out where to put the sky,” God answered, “I chose ‘up’, BTW.”
5 Tobit was confused. “But in the book of Genesis it says…” 6 “Yeah, I know,” God interrupted, “You see, Adam was always talking off My ear and asking questions. One day he asked Me, ‘How long did it take you to make the world?’ and I told him, ‘Seven days’ just to brush him off.” 7 God laughed some more. “That doofus believed Me. Later I let him get a taste of his own medicine by making a creature to chat endlessly into his ear – woman.”
8 “So what the Bible says is wrong?” Tobit asked. 9 God paused for a moment. “Not ‘wrong’; it’s just embellished a bit by a few miscomprehensions that I decided not to correct.” 10 “Then did you flood the entire world back in the time of Noah?” Tobit questioned. 11 “Not the ‘entire’ world; there’s not enough water for that.” God paused for a moment to think. “Well, I could melt the ice caps and make some geographical shifts to put the entire world under water – nah, that’s too impractical.”
12 Tobit became more confused. “So, what did you flood?” 13 “Just the area Noah was in,” God answered, “See I told Noah, ‘Hey, I don’t like these people so I’m going to flood the place. You build yourself a boat.’ For some reason, Noah thought the apocalypse was coming, starts quoting cubits to me, and gathering up two of each animal. He was so worked up, I didn’t have the heart to correct him. 14 Then, when he reaches dry land, he sees a rainbow and asks if that’s a symbol of my promise to never flood the entire world again. So, I have the choice to either explain to him the refraction of light and that I never flooded the world in the first place, or to just say, ‘Yes.'” 15 God laughed some more. “I’m God! I reserve the right to rend the universe apart anytime I feel like it. In fact…”
16 Suddenly, God was perturbed. “What are you doing there, Tobit?” 17 Tobit continued to write on a scroll. “I’m writing down your words to share them with all.” 18 “Whoa! Not so fast!” God cautioned, “I thought it was clear I was talking off the record here. Now why don’t you hand over that scroll…” 19 “No!” Tobit shouted as he held the scroll tight, “I’m sharing your word.” 20 “You give me that scroll, Tobit!” God shouted. “No, mine!” Tobit answered.
21 “You’ve made a powerful enemy,” God swore, “A powerful enemy. Why, I’ll make sure that at least seven out of ten Bibles don’t even mention you. God then stormed out. 22 “I wonder how long He can keep a grudge?” Tobit mused to himself as he put away the scroll.

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  9. Okay, I feel pretty stupid for fact-checking a made-up passage from the apocrypha on IMAO, but… A literal interpretation of the bible would mean that the world was created in six days, not seven. On the seventh day, God rested. Thus, the sabbath, etc.
    And now feel free to mock me.

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  10. Help,
    I was laughing at Tobit.. Read the lovely Debbie, Mongo’s fiance verse 7 ” by making a creature to chat endlessly into his ear – woman.”
    After the lovely Debbie slapped Mongo upside the head, she said “that’s why you men have SELECTIVE HEARING”… HELP GUYS…. NEED THE TESTOSTONE GROUP BACKUP….MONGO

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