“And now we go to our round table,” Brit Hume announced, “Mara Liasson of National Public Radio, Fred Barnes of The Weekly Standard, and Mort Kondracke of Roll Call, FOX News contributors all. Of course, our subject is the Vice Presidential debate.”
“Slam dunk for John Edwards, no question,” Barnes stated.
“I dunno, seemed more like a body slam to me,” Kondracke said.
“I’m not really an expert on this sort of thing, but it looked like a pile driver,” Liasson commented.
“But we all agree, that, whether it was a slam dunk, a body slam, or a pile driver,” Hume said, “Edwards’s head was driven through the table at great force after Cheney grabbed him.”
“And I think Cheney made his point,” Barnes stated, “Contrasting strong leadership with weak furniture.”
“You have to give points to Edwards for how he handled it, though,” Liasson commented, “He took the attack quietly… much unlike his earlier crying.”
“I think that was because he was unconscious,” Kondracke said.
“What about the crying?” Hume asked, “Each time Cheney made an attack on Edwards’s or Kerry’s record, Edwards broke down crying. How do you think the voters will react to that?”
“I think people will sympathize with him,” Liasson stated, “Cheney is a very scary man.”
“I disagree,” Kondracke said, “He made him look weak and, frankly, not presidential.”
“Let’s face it,” Barnes exclaimed, “This was Bambi versus Godzilla. You wanted to avert your gaze from the slaughter, but you couldn’t stop staring from morbid curiosity.”
“Edwards made a few good points, though,” Liasson declared, “between the whimpering that is.”
“But the whole venue was set against Edwards,” Kondracke said, “especially how there was no rule to keep Cheney from thumping Edwards in the head.”
“Which was inappropriate and made Cheney look mean,” Liasson stated.
“On the contrary, I think Cheney looked calm and professional while he beat up Edwards,” Barnes said, “Even after breaking the table with Edwards’s head during his closing statement, Cheney then just fixed his tie and continued talking for the last twenty seconds like nothing strange happened.”
“He was quite calm,” Kondracke agreed, “Almost sedated.”
“A sedated Godzilla,” Hume suggested.
“And that’s what people want now in this war on terror,” Barnes said, “A calm, trustworthy giant beast from Monster Island, not some guy who got beat up in kindergarten.”
“I think Edwards’s toughness as a child is hardly the issue,” Liasson responded.
“I mean last week,” Barnes stated, “He visited a school, and the kindergarteners knocked him down and beat the crap out of him.”
“Let’s move on to Bush’s speech,” Hume said, “Do you think it gives any clue to his strategy for the Friday debate?”
“He is clearly trying to build off the momentum Cheney made,” Kondracke stated.
“And he certainly hinted at something to come,” Barnes commented.
“I believe you’re referring to this statement,” Hume said.
The screen showed Bush standing at his podium. “I have plans for the next debate,” he stated, “Secret, evil plans. Muh ha ha ha!”
“Knowing Bush’s record, I’d be worried that he might hurt himself with his evil plans,” Liasson commented.
“His crazy schemes do usually backfire with hilarious consequences,” Kondracke said.
“I guess we’ll all be watching then to see what happens,” Brit Hume stated and then looked to the camera, “Remember to tune in Friday to FOX News for complete debate coverage, body slams, pile drivers, and all.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
First!
i SO adore Brit Hume!! swoon
oh, and the kindergarteners kicking Fluffy’s butt — ROFL!! thanks for that!!
Crap, Frank, that was one of the most hilarious episodes in quite some time. I can’t get that image out of my head seeing Cheney crash Edwards head into the table and look completely stoic after that.
That seemed to sum things up rather well. I had pictured as more of a puppy-stomping party. It was like Cheney put a puppy into a tub and then he jumped up and down on the puppy. It was sad and vruel (therefore funny).
Are you sure it wasn’t the ‘Camel Clutch’ to show that Iraqis (nee Iranians – Iron Sheik) can take the fight to Fluffy?
If by some unholy disaster Bush does not win, we will surely miss the hilarious consequences most of all.
The Iron Sheik is one of my favorite Iranians.
This is a nitpicky lil ol thing, but what the hell else is their to do….It’s not like any of us can compete with you for funny:
I’ve noticed that Brit Hume always introduces the panel and then finishes by stating “Fox News contributors, all.”
Adding authenticity could increase potential for satire, but I really don’t know. I report, you decide.
“A calm, trustworthy giant beast from Monster Island”
that’s awesome.
Oh how I was that was the debate. I could just tell from the gleam in Cheney’s eyes he was wondering if he could do a few head slams in the debate.
I loved the Godzilla references, also.
Yes, that debate has left me giddy for days. I think W’s going to hit one out of the ballpark tomorrow.
Jonag,
Hit one out which ballpark? Lambert Field? By Manny Ortez?
Fenway Field, El Jefe. Or maybe Minute Man Park.
The Lovely And Talented SarahK,
Aren’t those places used by the Ohio State Buckeyes and Michigan Wolverines?
I wish this was real.
Where was Juan Williams? Did Barnes and Kondracke rough him up in a previous show and I missed it? That would have been a ratings bonanza.
No, Juan was taken out by Hume and Tony Snow. Actually, Hume paid Snow to do the job since Snow is now an undercover operative for the FoxSpyNet.
You fools. Breaking a table with a piledriver would only be possible if it was done off the apron. And while a bodyslam could in theory do it, Cheney would be exposing himself to possible injury. And a slamdunk? Please, that’s BASKETBALL. No, it’s obvious that it was a powerbomb that did the deed. Only that move would give the altitude to get Edwards above the table, yet have enough force to break it.
very well done! i can almost see the commentators actually saying these things. frank had the kondracke/barnes banter down very well.
“And that’s what people want now in this war on terror,” Barnes said, “A calm, trustworthy giant beast from Monster Island, not some guy who got beat up in kindergarten.”
“I think Edwards’s toughness as a child is hardly the issue,” Liasson responded.
“I mean last week,” Barnes stated, “He visited a school, and the kindergarteners knocked him down and beat the crap out of him.”
Frank, you kill me, I am going to bust a gut laughing at your stuff someday.
Oh and yo! Wonderduck, you can only use a Powerbomb after you get the Morphball first… Haven’t you ever played Metroid..?
You are all making this WAY too complicated. What that was, was a good old-fashioned neener-neener with a clever twist.