I was hanging out with Frank last Saturday, and he was feeling a little tipsy, so I thought I’d ask him to show me that Happy Dance he was always bragging about. He demurred, claiming that he’d forgotten the DVD at home.
But after seeing the crestfallen look on my face, he felt sorry for me and offered to perform it live, out on the patio by the pool.
“Just wait right here,” said Frank, “and I’ll go put on my tux. The Happy Dance ain’t NOTHIN’ unless I’m doing it in my tux.”
So he changes into his tux, and the next thing you know, he’s out by the pool, be-boppin’ & scattin’ around like a crazy man.
It was awesome.
Fortunately, someone had the presence of mind to turn on a video camera, so I can offer you this completely unauthorized version of the Frank J. Happy Dance (1 Meg WMV file)
Oh, and for you on-the-clock surfers, it IS work safe.
Archive of entries posted on 17th February 2005
Frank Reads the Bible: Genesis 14-17
I hadn’t posted on this in a while because what I read was boring, but it ends up I stopped right before the mother lode that is Chapter 17. I could write a ton on that chapter alone.
Anyway, let’s go quick through 14 to 16. Lot gets captured, and Abram comes to save his ass (he’s the first action hero). Then God keeps going on and on about how many descendants Abram will have (who is probably like thinking to himself, “Okay, I’ll have as many descendants has dust on the earth and stars in the sky… I get it. Could You stop bugging me!”). Then Sarai, who I remind you is barren, lets Abram get it on with her maid Hagar (does not sound like the name of a beautiful woman), and, surprisingly, this causes animosity. But then Hagar gives birth the Ishmael when Abram is 86, making him the second oldest new father after Larry King (who I think is the son of Japheth).
Now, at this point, I’m like, “Okay. This is all fair and good, but why do we care about Abram and this Sarai?” I’m not well versed in the Bible, but I thought the big people in the Bible after Noah were Abraham and Sarah. Then I read Chapter 17…
Abram and Sarai are Abraham and Sarah!
Am I only one who didn’t know that?
Anyhoo, God goes renaming crazy, and grants Abram a ham to make him Abraham (or I guess it’s more of a “ha” that goes between his ‘a’ and ‘m’). He then downgrades Sarai’s ‘i’ one letter to an ‘h’ to make her Sarah. Abram and Sarai just seemed to accept this, ’cause, if the almighty Lord says your name is now “Polly Prissy Pants,” then you better go introducing yourself as “Triple-P” if you don’t want a smiting.
Now comes the weird thing. God order circumcision has a symbol of his covenant. Why that? My guess is that God decide the human wang was just too weird looking, but it was too late for Him to change it. Thus, he had people fix it themselves. Whatever the reason, this shows how harsh the Old Testament is compared to the New Testament. Jesus just wanted you to splash some water on yourself, but God wanted you to put a knife to your wee-wee. I just hope Abraham didn’t have much feeling down there when he did the deed at age 99.
Now here are a few points I’d like discussed by everyone who takes this seriously (sorry, no atheist allowed for this part):
First, look at God’s statement to Abram (Gen. 15:5):
Then He brought him outside and said, “Look now toward heaven, and count the stars if you are able to number them.” And He said to him, “So shall your descendants be.”
If you take that literally, then the apocalypse can’t be for a long long time if Abram is going to have that many descendants.
Second, and of the most curiosity to me, why Abram/Abraham? What makes him so special that God picked him to be the great father of all? Or did he try it with others who just got too tired of God droning on about how many descendants they would have?
Anyway, I know Abraham is big in the Muslim religion too, so I’m going to keep a close eye on him as I read further and make sure he doesn’t blow anyone up. Later, thumpers.
RWD’s News Roundup – Thursday
Hello everyone.
Welcome to IMAO the group humor blog.
I’m RightWingDuck and I’d like to take a few minutes and talk about what’s happening in the news lately.
The BBC is reporting that use of the Pill can change a woman’s taste in men.
Hmm. How long does this take? Could this change the dating scene for ugly men?
“Lisa, we’ve been working together for a year now. Would you like to go out with me?
“No, I’m sorry. I’m just not attracted to you. Can’t we just be friends?
“Sure thing. Here, taste this pill for me. How do I look now?”
“Better”
“Try this one.”
“Better yet”
“And this one.”
“Hey, you look a little bit like Russell Crowe. Would you like to go out to dinner?”
Now THAT would be a great invention. Not for me — but for you ugly guys- heck yes.
In other news, the Geneva Motor Show will be displaying a car that can sense your mood.
I don’t know if this is a good idea. Some guys are already having a hard time accepting GPS. Now we have something that senses our mood?
GPS System: “Driver, you should have turned left back there.”
Mood System: “He’s not listening. He’s in a bad mood.”
Driver: “I’m not in a bad mood, leave me alone. I meant to miss that turn.”
Mood System: “See, I told you he was in a bad mood. I just know these things. Let me shut down the car.”
Driver: “Hey, you shut down the car. What the heck is wrong with you?”
Mood System: (Long pause) “Well, if you don’t know — I’m not going to tell you.”
Driver: “You’re shutting me off? In the middle of nowhere?”
GPS System: “Well you wouldn’t be ‘nowhere’ if you had listened to me. He never listens.”
Driver: “I AM NOT IN A BAD MOOD!”
Mood System: “He’s yelling. I told you he was in a bad mood. You want me to take over?”
I think that’s what John Kerry’s role will be in the next 4 years: The irritating back seat driver.
Try this one. Mr. Kerry is now saying that Dubya is finally implementing the Kerry plan. I don’t know what to say about this. Some things just fry the brain. I can imagine what those conversations are like.
Kerry: You should tell the Iraqis that our goal is to leave as soon as we can.
Dubya: I told them that already.
Kerry: Good, you’re following my plan.
Dubya: What do you mean, YOUR plan? This has been the plan from day one!
Kerry: Ooh, you’re in a bad mood. You want me to take over?
In Other Kerry News, Teresa Heinz Kerry dropped the Kerry part of her name. It was a silly idea to begin with. It was disrespectful of the man she truly loves — Mr. Heinz himself.
I guess it’s only fair. After all, now that the election is over, John no longer has to hold her hand in public.
A lot is happening in the art world.
At a recent auction, a bidder paid over $500,000 for a painting of dogs playing poker. The auction house is really excited. Next week they’ll be auctioning off: Elvis on Black Velvet. And the pottery people thing that the Shrek Chia Pet should fetch a pretty sum.
Ashley Olsen is suing the National Enquirer for $40 million dollars. In her suit, she contends that the Enquirer ran a false story about her involvement in a drug scandal.
The Enquirer is standing by its story and has said, “We’ll see you in court.”
Oh, man. Do you know what this means?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
The Enquirer has more guts than CNN!
No retraction. No resignation. No accusations of a mob rule by salivating celebrities. They stand by their story.
Ashley contends that the tabloid is trying to ruin her career.
Poor thing. It might get to the point where she won’t be able to make any more of those crappy movies.
With $40 million dollars, she could finally make “New York Minute, Part II”. That should be good for another $5 million dollars in revenue.
The Enquirer has also hired Anna Nicole Smith to write a weekly column. What about? I don’t know. I guess what she knows best: nudity, weight loss, and how to marry a rich guy.
She beat out the other contestant — John F. Kerry.
Said Kerry, “She’s following my outlines. I outlined a plan a long time ago. If she follows my plans she’ll be fine.”
J-Lo is has cancelled her latest tour because of illness.
Wow, you know it must be really bad when you don’t even have enough strength to lip-synch.
J-Lo is developing a new fashion line. It is conceivable that her next movie review would be a clean sweep.
I would love to see that movie review. “This movie was awful. The soundtrack was pathetic, and the costumes they wore were gaudy and tasteless. The good news, J-Lo found the man of her dreams while filming. She’ll be getting married right after divorcing her current husband and breaking up with her last fiancé.”
No concerts? I hate when good entertainment gets cancelled.
Which I guess why I’m not so affected by the loss of the National Hockey season this year.
No more body slamming? No more swearing? No more vicious brute force? Thankfully, NHL fans can get a special Cable TV subscription to Howard Dean and the DNC meetings.
The NHL reminds me of the DNC – nothing really there to see, but still quite a few fans.
Have you heard the latest?
Howard had requested a media blackout for a meeting with a top Pentagon advisor. He wanted no reporting, no recording, no record of anything.
Hey, who does this guy think he is — Eason Jordan?
Thankfully, he changed his mind.
Meanwhile Wednesday, ‘Dean called on the head of New York’s Republican Party to apologize or resign over remarks linking the Democrats to a civil rights lawyer convicted of aiding terrorists.’
Yes. I agree. That remark was very offensive. Amazing, Dean is already becoming a good influence on the DNC. Under his leadership, they just might become the party of the guys with Confederate flags on their pickup trucks.
I’d like to close out today’s roundup with a bit of sad news.
Sad news really. Pop Singer George Michael has said “Good bye” to the pop music world. Yes, he’s done. He’s said, “Good bye.”
The pop music world responded, “George who?”
He’s leaving the music industry!?
Oh no! Who’s next? Bobby Brown?
**
That’s it for today. Remember, I post from the West Coast (hey that rhymed) so check in late each evening where I should be posting the monologue for the day.
It’s an honor to be one of the IMAO bloggers. My site at www.rightwingduck.net will still be up and running with a couple of fresh humor posts each week.
Change Is…Not What It Used To Be
With all the changes going on here at IMAO I thought it would be a good idea to expound on the intrinsic value of change. Then, I thought better of it, but ended up writing it anyway.
Fun Trivia
Foam Finger Fun
Foam fingers are a lot of fun. You can hold them up and without saying a word express to the world the opinion that your team is number 1. They come designed in a surprisingly wide variety suited to express other sentiments as well. These other sentiments range from a gnarly ‘hang loose’ to a tender ‘I love you’ to well… another, one finger communication.
Know Thy Enemy: Blogs
There are these things called blogs out there run by salivating morons who work in lynch mobs to bring people down regardless of the facts. This seems like a dangerous new phenomenon, so I had my crack research staff find out all they could about blogs.
FUN FACTS ABOUT BLOGS
* The blog was invented by Edgar K. Blog in the 80’s in attempt to spread lies for the sole purposes of evil. At the time, only two other people were reading the internet, but most experts say he was responsible for Black Friday.
* Blogs can simply turn on you at anytime for any reason. They attack without thought or provocation. Thus, make sure to always stay away from them and to disparage them in the media.
* A blog will use a dark art called the “hyperlink” to “link” to what you say in an attempt to slander you. If you see any blog using a hyperlink against you, immediately contact law enforcement to get them to stop.
* If you see a geeky looking male or a slutty looking female in front of a laptop, he or she could be a blogger. Don’t make eye contact or say anything in front of them or they will destroy you.
* On September 11th, bloggers spread rumors about some sort of terrorist attack leading to a war with Iraq so bloggers could get more oil – a raw material essential for blogging.
* Bloggers are particularly depraved individuals. One infamous blogger was caught putting puppies in blenders to make smoothies. He now has to do community service as punishment which he fulfills by murdering hobos.
* They say the shift in information by blogger lies was so great that it actually moved the earth leading to the recent tsunami.
* Be careful of letting your daughters read blogs. Some are known to use ploys called “T-Shirt Babe Contests” to lead unsuspecting women into their lairs.
* The only reason people blog is for the money which the so called “blogosphere” is full of. It is estimated that, by 2010, 90% of people will blog instead of work causing the destruction of the worldwide economy.
* Blogs can often appear as other types of website that have real information instead of lies. If you suspect you’re reading a blog, immediately smash your monitor with hammer.
* If it’s an LCD, cutting the screen should work too.
* I haven’t really tried that; it just feels like material you should be able to cut.
* In a fight between blogs and Aquaman, blogs would keep hounding Aquaman about supposed statements he made at Davos about U.S. troops deliberately targeting fish until he was forced to resign from his job at CNN.
* If you are part of the mainstream media, blogs will keep demanding facts and objectivity from you. Don’t give in! If you cede to this demand, who knows what they’ll ask for next!
* If under attack by bloggers, stop, drop, and roll. Just make sure there isn’t a blogger with a digital camera nearby or he’ll probably make a big deal out of it.
* If blogs continue in their present march of destruction, the regular media will fall and you’ll get all your information from what some guy named “Phil” can hack out during his coffee break. Even the greatest minds in science fiction could not imagine such a dystopic future.
ignis fatuous
Things to Say While Getting a Lap Dance
I’m not at liberty to mention how the topic came up, but it did.
An acquaintance of mine (who shall remain nameless, assuming the check clears) was chastised by a… let’s just call her an “adult entertainment industry worker“, shall we?… for being taciturn while receiving a lap dance.
As the gentleman exclaimed to me, “What SHOULD I have said?”
What indeed…
* Why, yes, I do come here often.
* Less dancing, more lapping, please.
* If that grind were any finer, you could work at Starbucks.
* Can you move to the left a little? You’re making a long distance call on my cell phone.
* And no, you can’t borrow it to tell your husband you’ll be home late.
* OW! PINCHY! OW! OW!
* Personally, I think the whole existentialist movement was simply cognitive escapism in denial of mortality’s undeniable inevitability and a subconscious avoidance of… OO! MOMMY!
* It’s not that I’m not aroused, it’s just that I’m intimidated because yours is bigger than mine.
* Two! Four! Six! Eight! Won’t you help me masturbate?
* No, my pants are wet because I spilled my drink. Keep going.
* I just took a bottle of Enzyte. We’re going to need a bigger chair for this.
* Finger lickin’ good!
* Have I ever told you that you’re my favorite sister?
That should help avoid those awkward social situations.
Just remember to kill any witnesses and bury them in shallow graves afterwards, lest they mention the event to your girlfriend.
Continue reading ‘Things to Say While Getting a Lap Dance’ »
PRESS RELEASE: IMAO Is Now a Group Blog
Satire is a heavy burden for one man. There are so many issues in the day that many end up getting un-made fun of because of my other duties. Thus, after careful deliberation and much alcohol, I made the decision to turn IMAO into a group blog made of my hand picked “dream team.”
THE IMAO HUMOR TYPE GUYS
Harvey: An invisible six foot rabbit who writes for Bad Example.
RightWingDuck: Token duck. Apparently also writes humor of some sort.
Cadet Happy: Expert of photoshop. Sometime imitates me or SarahK to confuse readers. I told him to stop that (well, SarahK I don’t care about).
Scott McCollum: May recognize him as the voice work in the audio bits. Not as good imitating people in type, but I thought I’d give him a chance anyway.
FlyingSpaceMonkey: Apparently a monkey from space that flies or something. Just adding him so he won’t try and run me off the road again.
SarahK: Token chick. Makes me dinner.
Frank J.: The humble and talented genius of IMAO you all know and love.
Everyone will have different amount of time to write, but hopefully now you’ll have plenty of humor posts each day. Plus, soon I’ll have About Me files up for each writer. We’ll all probably have an adjustment period, but then IMAO will become the greatest blog in all of existence and the MSM will tremble before our might and wit.
That said, let’s get started with the new IMAO…