Hello Everyone,
I’m RightWingDuck and it’s time to talk about the news and what’s been going on!
In politics…
Hillary Clinton is proposing that felons be allowed to vote. It is estimated that 4.7 million Americans are barred from voting.
This can’t be good for Republicans. Studies show that for every 3 felons — the Democrats get 4 votes!
Might not be all bad, though. If you show up at the polls and the lines are long — you can always find a good game of Three Card Monte.
“How did it go at the polls today, honey?”
“Not bad. The lines were long, but I won $40 and picked up a new car stereo.”
“Best Buy? Circuit City?”
“Better: This guy was holding an Election Day sale, right from his trunk!”
The good news to this legislation?
They want to make election day a holiday! That would be awesome. The way Republicans are winning elections, we need a day to celebrate. Dancing in the streets would also be allowed and encouraged. Maybe even legal fireworks day!!!
Even though Kerry lost the election by 3 million votes (and by 118,000 votes in Ohio), they’re saying it’s not an attempt to gain an edge in the next election.
In other news, John Kerry introduced legislation encouraging minorities to relocate to Ohio.
“If we can get another 120,000 people to discover the joy of living in Ohio — well that would be good for America too.”
Congress is starting to talk about reviving the Fairness Doctrine for broadcasters.
If this is passed, broadcasts of all kinds would have to air both points of view. The downside is that the media isn’t always clear on how to represent both sides.
“On today’s show we’ll talk about an important topic: Is President Bush much worse than Hitler, or only a little worse than Hilter? We’ll talk to people from both sides of the issue.”
“Plus, tune in later for our closing comments — is the Media too Conservative and what can we do about it once and for all?”
Some legislators in California are floating the idea of taxing automobiles by the mile.
This might not be a bad idea. Ladies, you know how you could tell if your date is low on cash? Everywhere you guys go – he’s driving backwards.
Lindsay Lohan, now has a doll made in her image! Wow a Lindsay Lohan doll! What little girl wouldn’t enjoy something like that?
“Sweetheart. I hadn’t seen you with your Lindsay doll in a while. Where was it?
“I put it in the dolly hospital for exhaustion.”
“Sweetie. Your dolly’s boobs have really gotten much bigger.”
“Well. Hmm. Maybe that’s why she was so exhausted — from holding them in so long. Take a look.”
“Wow, you can barely see the scars.”
The doll will come with a fur coat and a director’s chair. That’s all well and good, but not really accurate. I mean, what has she directed?
Wouldn’t it be better if it came with a drink, a cigarette, and a daddy doll being hauled off to jail?
The NBA has come out with new policies limiting beer sales
All of this came from that huge fight between the fans and players. It started when a fan threw a beer at one of the Pacers. So now they want to regulate beer sales.
Isn’t that like controlling sex assaults by restricting room service!!
New rule. The fans will no longer be able to order beers after the third quarter!
Oh, and the players get cut off after the first half!
I’m glad the NBA is so in touch with modern medicine.
“Dad, it’s the end of the third quarter and you’re drunk!”
“I’ll be fine, son. Just give me that 15 minutes and I’ll be okay.”
Restricting beer sales is unfair. What if your team really sucks?
Yes, in Miami you can enjoy the game and have fun. Alcohol would be nice but you don’t really need it.
But here in Los Angeles — man — we need an open bar! That would enhance the fan’s experience!
“How’s Kobe doing?”
“Is he the one with the pom-poms?”
“No, idiot. He’s on the court!”
“I don’t see anything!”
“Well, get off the floor!”
Jose Canseco is still in the news. His book is selling well. Why wouldn’t it — the book states clearly that George Dubya knew about Jose’s use of Anabolic Steroids. I don’t think that Dubya will catch heat for it. The book is very specific:
“Did you know Jose’s powerful swing came from anabolics?”
“No, you mean like the Six Million Dollar man? Wow, are BOTH arms anabolic?”
In other news–
The district attorney has decided that no charges will be pressed against Bill Cosby for the alleged groping incident.
Asked about how he’ll celebrate he sang, “I’m going to go hoooooome, get some frieeeeeends, and celebrate with some jellooooooooo gelatin — wrestling.”
A dog made the news when he was playing Frisbee in the park. The cops came by and the retriever -having nothing to do — went and fetched the owner’s bag of marijuana.
What do you say when that happens. Is there a way to play it off?
“Rover, you can’t keep doing this. It’s time for an intervention! You have a problem!”
Or how about…
“Ha. Citizens arrest. Officer, I’ve been watching this dog for two weeks now. I knew he was up to no good.”
Wow. Your own dog gets you busted by the police. What would that conversation sound like?
“Sorry officer. It’s for medicinal purposes. It helps me with my ADD.”
“How long have you had ADD?”
“What ADD?”
Microsoft has announced that it will recall many of the X-box power cords. Turns out that many of these cords are defective and have been known to shock people and start small fires.
I can just picture two teenagers playing the Xbox.
“Man, you’re doing great. Oh no. Fire!”
“I AM firing”
“No, fire extinguisher!”
“Which button is that?. Which button is that? X, Y, A?”
Bill gates recently had announced that Microsoft will focus on better security.
Today, he also announced the new company motto: Stop, drop, and roll!
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That’s all for today gang. Keep tuning in to IMAO where the fun never stops.