I was doing research for my forthcoming book, “Stupid Government! Stop Wasting My Money! I Hate You!”, and I came across an interesting web site – www.porkbarrelsquanderers.gov – which lists every single sleazy, nepotistic government contract ever handed out.
In amongst such obvious scams as the “horse-drawn horse” and the “solid gold featherbed”, I noticed that Glenn Reynolds had been awarded a juicy $12 billion contract for his plan entitled “How to Save the Lives of our Brave American Soldiers”.
Curious, I clicked the link.
And saw what YOU’LL see if you check the extended entry…
PROPOSAL BY HIS BLOGOSPHERIC OVERLORDNESS, DR. GLENN H. W. REYNOLDS:
During a recent bout of sleepwalking, I – as most men do from time to time – mistook my wife for a hobo and began hacking away at her with a butcher knife. While rearranging some of her internal organs, her screams of “I’m not homeless!” finally penetrated my somnambulating consciousness and I became aware of my little faux pas.
I rushed her to the hospital, where they undid my handiwork in short order. As she lay in her room recovering, though, it occurred to me that having her drink puppy shakes might hasten the healing process (please refer to my study, “The Regenerative Properties of Liquified Viscous Juvenile Canis familiaris Via Internal Ingestive Absorption“, New England Journal of Medicine, April 2003).
Although procuring the dogs was a simple matter (I always carry extras with me wherever I go), I soon discovered – much to my dismay – that despite having millions of dollars invested in machines that go “PING!”, there was not one single blender to be had on the hospital grounds.
However, with a trip to the local Target and a little ingenuity, I quickly contrived a device for accelerating my wife’s recuperation, and documented my creation with several Polaroid photographs. Sadly, one of my pocket-puppies ate them all, so I’ve made this poorly-photoshopped replica of the image to illustrate my invention:
(click to enlarge)
I call it the “Glenn Reynolds Super Healthifying 4-Poster Blender Bed of Robustness“. If you wish to call it something else, I’m willing to negotiate for the naming rights.
To the point, gentlemen: it occurred to me that such a device might be useful to the Department of Defense, as it would allow our brave American Soldiers serving overseas to benefit from its invigorating qualities. Less sick-time for soldiers means more time spent killing terrorists, foreigners, and journalists, which – as I’m sure you will agree – makes my invention a bargain-priced investment for the modest sum of $10 billion which I am requesting.
In conclusion, YOU GIVE MONEY NOW! I RICH!
Sincerely,
Glenn Reynolds
Turns out the Department of Defense bought the naming rights, too, and they’re calling it the
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
Heh. Indeed.
[AUTHOR’S NOTE: Although I frequently have fun at Glenn’s expense, I would like to offer my sincere wishes to his wife, Helen, for a speedy recovery from her recent surgery]
NO! It can’t be! Evil Glenn has struck again! (That rhymed. ^_^)
I still say we look into the Adamantium skeleton thing.
Riiight, right, and then he can lease this back to the company he sold it to. That way it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account.
And pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere up in space
Because there’s bugger all down here on earth.
As a completely unrelated side note, do inform Frank that trackbacks are borked, the trackback link redirects to a 404.
ROFLMAO!
Genius 🙂
Sally – thanks, ya little flatterer, you 🙂
OverlordQ – Frank’s aware of the problem, but he’s not geek enough to fix it. If you know someone who is, please drop him a line.
“Bring in the machine that goes PING!”
Haha!
“What do I do?”
“Nothing, dear, your not qualified.”
I hear the rejuvenating properties of puppy nog increase when you say a little Satanic chant whilst holding a photo of Kim Jong Il. But that might be just a filthy lie.