So, yesterday on my way back from working, I was going ninety through a school zone when suddenly, out of whimsy, I slammed on the brakes and stopped in the middle of an intersection after running a red light.
That was my mistake.
Smashing into my side was a vehicle going 500mph as it was trying to break the land speed record. My Hyundai Santa Fe went flying into a nearby forest and rolled like eight times and I was like, “Sweet!” Then, the front air bag, the side air bags, the top air bags, the trunk air bags, the glove compartment air bags, and the change tray air bags all went off at once and I was like smothering in air bags! Luckily, the top of my SUV was ripped off and I was thrown out of the vehicle against a tree.
Man, that hurt. I hate trees.
So the paramedics get there and are like, “Are you all right?”
And I say, “I can’t move my legs. I think I fractured my spine.”
Then they get all huffy and are like, “Well, since you already diagnosed yourself, I guess you don’t need us.” Then they stomped off.
Next, the police officer comes. He’s like totally prepared for action ’cause he has a .40 caliber Glock at each hip, ‘cept I’m thinking, “How is it possible for him to use both guns at once? Can he like hold a donut and a gun in the same hand?”
Maybe I said that out loud.
Anyway, the officer was like, “Rolling your car that many times was a moving violation.” He tossed a ticket on me. “You can either pay your fine or dispute it in court.”
“But I can’t walk!”
“Not my problem.”
“Could you help me get home at least?”
“Nope, not allowed to do that… by the rule I just made up.”
“How about stomping out the fires on me?”
He thought for a moment. “Okay, but just this once.”
He stomped me GOOD! Then he finished off his donut, drew both guns, and ran towards the street yelling, “Are you jay-walking while I’m around?!”
Amongst the gunfire, I could hear the theme to The Magnificent Seven, so I answered my cell phone.
“Where are you, goofy-goof?” SarahK asked, “You should be home by now.”
“I got in a car accident and broke my back!”
“Well, you have fun with that. I love ya; bye-bye.”
“Wait!” I yelled, but she already hung up. So I called my home phone. Someone picked it up but didn’t say a thing. “Hello?” I finally prompted.
** squeak **
“Sydney, you stupid kitten! I told you not to answer the phone!”
** squeak **
“You’re not going to monkey squeak your way out of this one. Now hang up the phone!”
** squeak **
“I swear, as soon as I get home, I’m throwing you in the nearest bog!”
** squeak **
“Dumb monkey-cat,” I mumbled to myself as I hung up the phone. I then used my elbows to drag myself the one mile to my home. After a good night’s sleep, my spine healed up (I have Wolverine like healing powers; I don’t have an adamantine skeleton, though, as the procedure to get one sounded painful and costs a lot more than a teeth whitening). Now I have the fine to pay, my deductible, probably a rental car, and whatever increase in insurance I get. Guess I’ll have to buy a diamond ring for SarahK another decade.
I guess I just need to come up with a new brilliant t-shirt idea to sell and get my book done soon. Well, hope everyone else is doing better in the blogosphere.
Huh.. that’s odd. Sarahk has a different version. This one sounds more interesting, though. Now I have to go back to work. Which is not McDonalds.
Hello! Red means stop, Green means go! My 2 year old tells me that when I run lights 😉 But we are glad you are ok!
Now THAT was a good quality post. Bravo!
um….i think it’s adamantium….i think…
Adam
I think adamantine means made of adamantium, like lupine means made of lupus.
…and quarantine means made of quarants. And Ovaltine is made up of the chocolatey goodness of ovals.
So, like talked about – if you have to replace your nice Hyndaiiii, I can get you X-Plan on Ford, Mercury, and Lincoln stuff.
Unfortunately, none of them come with “Red means Stop” technology yet.
Do you take vitamins to get your Wolvie-like healing powers? Or were you born with them? If you were born with them, you could probably get the Adamantium skeleton, because it would be less painful. My HMO covers it, but I don’t have the prerequisite Wolverine-like healing power.
Just whatever you do, don’t get an aluminum skeleton. Oh sure, it’s cheaper, but you have to spend like 5 hours in the shop every time one of your bones gets bent and/or dented. Plus, they don’t snikt so much as they schlupp.
…I hear Evil Glenn has an adamantium skeleton, but it’s only a rumor.
We need to get in another war, if only so Frank would write In My World’s every other day.
So what is this like a weak excuse why your not blogging enough?
besides you should have figured out that it was sydney that put a remote control device in your car, bribed the paramedics, and bought the cop a donut, all just to try and get rid of you. Probably the typical reasons, more bed room, more affection from SarahK ….typical stuff. look for a grassy knoll nearbye and see if theres a remote control device laying around. cats never pickup after themselves.
You have an indestructable adamantium skeleton and super healing powers? You’re gonna need that toughness,if you insist on driving around in a rinky dink plastic Jap trap.Those vile little rice grinders have styrofoam where a steel bumper is supposed to be. What kinda commie crap is that?
I always figured you for a pickup truck kinda guy,Frank.Chrome naked lady mudflaps and all.(Or at least Yosemite Sam)
You should have gotten in your accident up here in MA. Since I own a body shop.
Yeah! Mabeauland finally gets the passing and indifferent recognition it has panhandled so long to get.
Yeah Frank!
Just buy a bicycle and get that girl the diamond! Duh!!
Actually, you are lucky to survive a 10 mph collision in a Hyndai.
Taylor’s 5 simple rules of the road:
1)Green=go
2)Red=stop, or at least pretend that you are going to
3)Yellow=go faster
4)Whoever honks first has the right of way.
5)Drive as fast as you can, no matter where you are, it minimizes your exposure to Idiots.
Good thing I pimped the heck out of your t-shirts last night.
Should be enough to cover your medical expenses, with enough left over for a 6.7 carat diamond ring.
Get a Volvo
Like this one: Volvo S60 R
OOOOOOOOh…that’s a sweet lookin’ ride!
Oh yeah, I’m glad your not dead.
red means stop (pssst…there is sometimes a stop line to show you where your car should stop)
I’m glad you like it Laura. I have one just like it 🙂
FOOLS! All of you!
Don’t you SEE? This is merely the FIRST attack by the Leftists who are attempting to take over the blogosphere!
They knew Frank J. would laugh it off – they knew everyone would think it funny, but now they know what they did wrong! They know how to do it BETTER!
Beware! Beware!
Orion
I think I can get a discount on that too.
But it’s a four door.
Four doors are not cool.
Not even the Taurus SHO was cool.
Is it really necessary to have 6 digits in this secret anti-spam code? Are the spam bots that smart? “Darn! He’s upped it to 6 digits. We’ll never be able to spam IMAO now.”
You only dragged yourself ONE mile on your elbows? You must be losing it, you pansy.
Frank, I just now read this post. Your accident sounds much worse than the fender bender Sarah described. That girl is always trying to protect me from the truth…