Most people think that the only way to win a woman’s heart is to buy her bowling-ball sized diamonds and shower her with enough roses to hold a parade in Pasadena.
Most people are right.
However, Christina of Feisty Repartee recently suggested that there are also non-jewerly-related methods for garnering female affection. Being that it was said by a woman, I have to believe it since women don’t lie. I know this because the ladies are forever telling me that I’m funny & charming & handsome & not REALLY hung like an acorn.
Thus, it occurred to me that perhaps there ARE ways for guys who aren’t as fabulously wealthy as T-shirt mogul Frank J. to get the girls, too. So I present these tips for:
* Giftwrap a Canadian penny with a note that says “Like Elizabeth to Canada, you are my Queen, except your boobs aren’t as saggy.”
* Hand her a french fry and say, “This fry reminds me of you because it wouldn’t look fat in those jeans, either.”
* Do NOT try this with a blueberry muffin.
* Try opening the car door for her. If that doesn’t impress her, try unlocking it first.
* Point out beautiful women and mention how repulsive you find them. This works best if you’re not in a visible state of arousal while doing so.
* Unless you’re hung like an acorn, in which case it doesn’t matter.
* Hand her a rock and say “This reminds me of our great relationship.” Make sure the rock is mostly quartz, though, lest she fire back with, “Yeah, because you take me for granite.”
* I hate women and their stupid puns.
* Remember not to actually say that last line out loud. I’ve still got the scars from that one.
* Try getting wobbly-ass drunk and screaming, “I am the great Frank J.! Worship me!” while double-posting on your blog.
* Buy her a very expensive dress that’s 5 sizes too small. After she fails to squeeze into it, exclaim in shock that you were POSITIVE that it was her size. Then return the dress and get your money back. It doesn’t cost you a dime, and you still get 25 “gonna get some action” points.
* If you want to do this, but you don’t have any money, I can give you Frank’s credit card number. Did you know he passes his wallet around the room when he’s drunk?
* And no, I don’t know how many “gonna get some action” points it takes to actually GET some action. I’ve been too busy earning “gonna sleep on the couch” points.
* THAT only takes one.
I hope you find these tips useful, and I wish you the best of luck in your personal quest to “plant the acorn”.
First Whoo Hoo!
First
Oh, now, you’re looking at someone who knows a thing about being romantic. Love Story was written about me, you remember. And how about that kiss I planted on Tipper!
But you know the real secret to being romantic? Showtunes! Lots and lots of showtunes! Ready to hear me sing?
“It won’t be easy, you’ll think I’m strange
When I explain how I feel
That I still need your love–can’t deny it!
You won’t believe me (why won’t you believe me!)
All you will see is a girl you once knew
I got the popular vote, but not Florida, too–
“Don’t cry for me Argentina!
The truth is I never let you.
All through my “why?” days
My mad existence
I kept my promise!
Please keep your distance.”
Whoa! Looks like somebody’s been following me around and secretly observing my techniques with the ladies! This all seems like my style anyway–all except the “acorn” part. (I’m actually hung like a filbert.)
Lately, I’ve started affecting the persona of a gangsta rapper–a pasty-faced, hung like a filbert gangsta rapper. Women love that. Although they don’t seem to respond to being called B**CHES and HO’S quite like those booticious babes in the Snoop Dogg videos. Hmmm, maybe I just need more bling-bling…
Funny post!
Oh, yeah. Try this one first:
Buy her a very expensive dress that’s 5 sizes too small. After she fails to squeeze into it, exclaim in shock that you were POSITIVE that it was her size. Then return the dress and get your money back. It doesn’t cost you a dime, and you still get 25 “gonna get some action” points
But only if you want your acorn in a sling. She’ll think you’re trying to tell her that she’s fat. That will get you at least 5 “gonna sleep on the couch” points and -10 “gonna get some action” points. But then you can cry and she’ll think you’re all sensitive and crap, so you’ll be back on track in no time.
You are a riot, Harvey!
I see you really got into that groove thing on this one. ; )
Thanks for the link!
Gotta agree with Tracey on that one.. though it is pretty damn funny!
when you say Acorn do you mean like these people? http://www.acorn.org
Your acorn is so going to be planted outside in the cold ground next to the doghouse mister!
Oh, my gawd! WHO wrote that?? I’ve just gotta get a sneeze guard for this damn monitor. (sigh)
Pammy – That’s my real-world wife, who I hope will be blogging soon.
i hope Bee-Dubya blogs too. she’s funny as … um… she’s really funny.
Now that you’ve expanded to include all these other bloggers, I’m afraid that you’re going to have to retrench in the grammar and spelling department, i.e., establish some guidelines (e.g., Chicago Elements of Style). To wit, I think the header for this post should be How to Be Romantic on A Budget; or perhaps, How to Be Romantic on a Budget; or …
Jaime – yeah, yeah, too much capitalization. Believe it or not, Frank already gave me a chewin’ for that.