There are these things called blogs out there run by salivating morons who work in lynch mobs to bring people down regardless of the facts. This seems like a dangerous new phenomenon, so I had my crack research staff find out all they could about blogs.
FUN FACTS ABOUT BLOGS
* The blog was invented by Edgar K. Blog in the 80’s in attempt to spread lies for the sole purposes of evil. At the time, only two other people were reading the internet, but most experts say he was responsible for Black Friday.
* Blogs can simply turn on you at anytime for any reason. They attack without thought or provocation. Thus, make sure to always stay away from them and to disparage them in the media.
* A blog will use a dark art called the “hyperlink” to “link” to what you say in an attempt to slander you. If you see any blog using a hyperlink against you, immediately contact law enforcement to get them to stop.
* If you see a geeky looking male or a slutty looking female in front of a laptop, he or she could be a blogger. Don’t make eye contact or say anything in front of them or they will destroy you.
* On September 11th, bloggers spread rumors about some sort of terrorist attack leading to a war with Iraq so bloggers could get more oil – a raw material essential for blogging.
* Bloggers are particularly depraved individuals. One infamous blogger was caught putting puppies in blenders to make smoothies. He now has to do community service as punishment which he fulfills by murdering hobos.
* They say the shift in information by blogger lies was so great that it actually moved the earth leading to the recent tsunami.
* Be careful of letting your daughters read blogs. Some are known to use ploys called “T-Shirt Babe Contests” to lead unsuspecting women into their lairs.
* The only reason people blog is for the money which the so called “blogosphere” is full of. It is estimated that, by 2010, 90% of people will blog instead of work causing the destruction of the worldwide economy.
* Blogs can often appear as other types of website that have real information instead of lies. If you suspect you’re reading a blog, immediately smash your monitor with hammer.
* If it’s an LCD, cutting the screen should work too.
* I haven’t really tried that; it just feels like material you should be able to cut.
* In a fight between blogs and Aquaman, blogs would keep hounding Aquaman about supposed statements he made at Davos about U.S. troops deliberately targeting fish until he was forced to resign from his job at CNN.
* If you are part of the mainstream media, blogs will keep demanding facts and objectivity from you. Don’t give in! If you cede to this demand, who knows what they’ll ask for next!
* If under attack by bloggers, stop, drop, and roll. Just make sure there isn’t a blogger with a digital camera nearby or he’ll probably make a big deal out of it.
* If blogs continue in their present march of destruction, the regular media will fall and you’ll get all your information from what some guy named “Phil” can hack out during his coffee break. Even the greatest minds in science fiction could not imagine such a dystopic future.
A blogger ate my dog. He blended it and everything.
Also, did you call SarahK slutty looking. I could use a “hyperlink” to “link” to where you said it, but then I’d be no better than a blogger myself.
I reminisce about the good old days when bloggers only wore pajamas.
Bloggers name ‘Phil’ should be fed through wood chippers.
If a blogger is attacked by a ninja how who will win the battle?
I for one welcome our new Blog overlords.
Danjo
sucking up to get a good spot in the blog run world
Hey guttrhead, a dingo ate my blogger!
I have seen the light! I will cease and desist any blogger activity immediately. I had no idea. Thanks, Frank J!
I have spotted a slutty-looking female at a laptop. She keeps complaining about how sore her ass is. Should I offer her a puppy-flavored drink?
Hey this guy in my office,I think his name is Phil, just told me about this website where he and his freinds are discussing the possibility that Elvis really killed JFK. I’ve got a sneakin suspicion that they may be bloggers! Which government agency should I call?
It is estimated that, by 2010, 90% of people will blog instead of work causing the destruction of the worldwide economy.
And the remaining 10% will spend their entire workday reading blogs…
Blogging causes drain bamage, see I can’t even get that right! Now I’m all screwed up, whoa is me. Drain bamaged, I am, I am.
Blogging is hard on all the little cute puppies because everyone knows big time bloggers put puppies in blenders.
Everyone thinks those big time bloggers drink those puppies, but I know what they really do with them. It’s a secret but I’ll tell just you.
They poison the blended puppies and sell it to nursing homes! They call it Ensure or something like that. Poor old people think it’s nutritional. They are killing off all the old people so we won’t have to pay Social Security anymore.
Blogging might cause paranoia, but I’m not sure because everybody is trying to kill me cause they don’t want you to know that blogging is bad, bad, bad.
Wow, blogs are really scary things. I’m going to hide with my computer under the covers so no evil blogs can get to me. And if one tries, I’m going to call Dan Rather because he will protect me!
“Dystopic”? Is that the word of the day?
Very funny, cuz it’s true
Tim McNabb
fivehundredwords.com
I’m confused by this point:
* If under attack by bloggers, stop, drop, and roll. Just make sure there isn’t a blogger with a digital camera nearby or he’ll probably make a big deal out of it.
If he does have a digital camera and therefore I shouldn’t stop, drop and roll, should I instead use the Duck and Cover drill?
You can find Duck and Cover Drills on sale at Lowe’s I belive. You can recoup the cost of the drill when you collect the digital camera.
“woodchippers”? Ouch.
mmmmmmm….puppy smoothies
Thank you for your clarification. I also understand there is a cult of bloggers in states like Oklahoma. The sad thing about the post is I believe the folks at OLD Media.commie actually thought this was serious. Indeed they may have actually written it and Frank J just found it one the net.
What exactly does a salivating lynch mob in pajamas look like? Not a pretty thought, me thinks.
As a guy named Phil, I must take exception to your commentary. I am not a coffee drinker. I also gave up dystopic things for Lent.
mmmmmmm…slutty bloggers
If under attack by bloggers, stop, drop, and roll.
You mean like this?
“I voted for the blog before I voted against the blog.”
“[before I would blog] The blogs would have to pass a global test .”
Beason Bjordan: “The bloggers are targeting journalists!” Rep. Barney Blank: “Bjordan, do you have evidence that the bloggers are targetting journalists?” Beason Bjordan: “Ahh, well, I heard two people were blogging about it…”
Rep.Rangleabout: “If we drafted everyone to blog, then the Senator’s sons would be bloggers and we wouldn’t have blogs in the first place!”
“I did not blog with that woman!”
mmmmm….. smoooothiesss…::::::::::::
If one is having a puppy smoothie, and one gets thirsty, does one drink Jack Spaniels?
-N. O’Brain
Imperial Minister for Useless Information
Yes, but don’t get shitzu-faced.
Great post! Geez you nailed it. I tried to trackback, but no luck!