Hello Readers,
I’m RightWingDuck, here to share the news.
A few days ago, I talked about the poll that said America was ready for a female president. I told you not to take it too seriously because the other question was, “Would you vote for somebody whose name rhymed with nillary hinton?”
I hate being right. I think it’s one of the signs of the end times.
There’s an article that shows that the poll in question was taken at
the First Woman President symposium
So, in other words, at a female president symposium, 63 percent said they were ready to see a woman in the Oval office.
63 Percent!!
What about the other 37 percent of attendees? Were they only there for the food?
Man, don’t you hate it when the polling is tainted?
In other news, 4 out of 5 Jackson’s feel Michael is innocent.
Archive of entries posted on February 2005
Top 10 Indicators You May Be Left of Liberal
10. You never could throw your full support behind John Kerry once you found out his first name is found in the Bible, of all places.
9. One of the few reasons you couldn’t bring yourself to assasinate the president is you’d have to actually buy a gun.
8. Your opinions and values carry more weight than those that oppose you, because you care.
7. To save money you bought an effigy of Bush made of asbestos. You later returned it when you realized ‘the bush burned with fire, but the bush was not consumed.’ is ALSO found in the Bible.
6. You believe the death penalty should be abolished…after it’s applied to those that support it.
5. You believe that any news service that doesn’t keep ‘Bush is EV1L Incarnate’ as its lead story is undeniably linked to a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.
4. Four years later and you are STILL protesting outside the Broward County Courthouse for Gore-Lieberman 2000.
3. You have made a sign which you carry to every protest that just says ‘NO!’. It’s written in your own blood from when you carved ‘I’m Sorry, World’ on your forehead.
2. You acknowlege the ‘Vast Right Wing Conspiracy’ exists and is inherently evil but often lose sleep at night worrying there are smaller ‘Widespread Right Wing Conspiracies’ that need to be stamped out too and aren’t getting the attention they deserve.
And the number one Indicator You May Be Left of Liberal….
Continue reading ‘Top 10 Indicators You May Be Left of Liberal’ »
Fun Trivia
Is Howard Dean a True Progressive?
Hello, Aquafans.
I’ve spent more time reading these things you call “blogs.” One of the more popular ones is something called “Little Green Footballs” written by the so-called “Charles Johnson.” All he seems to do is excerpt other written pieces and maybe put a few things in bold. Any fool could do that! Look:
Animal rights activists are disgusted by a new candy from Kraft Foods Inc. (KFT) that’s shaped like critters run over by cars — complete with tire treads.
The fruity-flavored Trolli Road Kill Gummi Candy — in shapes of partly flattened snakes, chickens and squirrels — fosters cruelty toward animals, according to the New Jersey Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
“It sends the wrong message to children, that it’s OK to harm animals. And that’s the wrong message, especially from a so-called wholesome corporation like Kraft,” said society spokesman Matthew Stanton.
The society is considering petition drives, boycotts and letter-writing campaigns to get the candy pulled from the market, Stanton said.
After receiving a complaint from the NJSPCA Wednesday, Kraft officials pulled an animated advertisement from Trolli’s Web site that featured car headlights and animals. No other decisions on changes have been made, said Kraft spokesman Larry Baumann.
Child’s play! If the master of the seas is to blog, his goals should be loftier.
Then I saw this story on the CNN news site. Many progressives are hopeful that Howard Dean will stay true to liberal causes and not be drawn in by the dark, welcoming caress of centrism.
But how do we know what Dean really feels when the cameras aren’t on him? What is his true agenda? Some would say we just can’t ever know for sure, but I say that this looks like a job for…
Gratuitous T-Shirt Babe Pic o’ the Day
More Prayers for the Pope
Speak with a Japanese Accent and Carry a Big, Sharp Stick
I’ve read a little about the meetings Bush is having with people in Europe, and I’d probably do some things differently. Like, with Chirac, as soon as I saw him, I’d charged him. Then I’d quickly draw my samurai sword and slice off his head. His headless body, hand still held out for a handshake, would slowly collapse to the ground.
“Old Europe is of no use to me!” I would announce, “They should stay out of my way, or…” I’d hold up Chirac’s head. “…this will be their fate!” Then I’d drop the head in the nearest waste basket and walk off.
As for Schroeder, I’d tell him firmly, “You have defied me, so now you are dead to me.” Then I’d quickly draw my sword, stab in the belly, and cut out such that his guts spilled all over the floor. “And now you are dead to everyone. Ha!”
Then for Putin… well, I don’t know if I’d do anything different; relations are a bit precarious right now.
Breathing and Its Newsworthiness
I was checking the villainous FOX News site today, and their top headline is “Pope Breathing on His Own.” Can’t most land creatures do that? Why does that make the news? Well, let me ask you this: Can the pope breathe on his own… underwater? I know I can. Shouldn’t that be the headline news: “Aquaman Breathing on His Own – Both on Land and in Sea!”
Why am I always getting cheated out of the news?
The Ballad of Frank J.’s Accident
Frank J. was recently involved in a car accident, and it looks like paying for all those repair bills may prevent him from buying that 75 carat diamond ring that the lovely & talented SarahK‘s been eyeballing.
This. Will. Not. Do.
Being a married man myself, it pains me greatly to think that Frank J. might somehow escape the chafing bonds of wedded bliss.
So, in the fine tradition of such great celebrity fund-raising songs as “We Are the World“, and “We’re Sending Our Love Down the Well“, I’ve penned a little ditty to help Frank J. out.
[NOTE: The lyrics – while PG-13 – aren’t entirely SarahK-safe, so I’m putting it in the extended entry. If she REALLY wants to sing it, I can whip up an FM version. Also, I’m not presently aware of a tune that fits the meter of the lyrics. If you think of one, leave a note in the comments]:
Links of the Day
Davids Medienkritik organized a rally in support of the America-Germany relationship.
Cathy Seipp has humble opinions on why the blogosphere is more male than female. i personally think it’s because we women agree that nagging just doesn’t come across as well in cyberspace. right, Frank?
my all-time favorite Calvin & Hobbes cartoon is the one where Calvin is really concentrating hard on trying to blow his nose; he says, “i hate it when my boogers freeze.” that makes me giggle to this day. anyway, Kevin of Eckernet has a link to the Calvin & Hobbes archives. first ronin to find the one i described… uh… gets to read it first.
finally, Pauly D outlines reason #474747 why i will never ever no never live in California.
ignis fatuous
RWD’s News Round Up – Thursday
Hello Everyone,
I’m RightWingDuck with today’s news roundup.
President Bush has just finished his trip meeting with foreign leaders.
Not the way John Kerry meets with foreign leaders; these people weren’t imaginary.
The president met with European Union leaders asking them not to sell weapons to China.
Jacques Chirac smirked, “What harm could they possibly do with such a small purchase of Taiwan Busters?”
Meeting with Vladimir Putin, they agreed that Iran shouldn’t develop nuclear weapons. No mention of the word PURCHASE! But it’s a step in the right direction.
Vladimir said that Russia would do Democracy their way. A new Democracy, where each gives according to his abilities, and all receive according to their needs.
A Virginia man has been charged in a plot to assassinate President Bush.
The young man is a Valedictorian graduate from a Saudi School here in the United States.
Are we surprised by this?
It was probably on his college application!!
“You have a very impressive application.”
“Yes, my goal is to assassinate President Bush.”
“Very impressive. Can we help you with anything? Scholarship? Transportation? Bullets?”
“No, I just need to a different job.”
(Picking up the phone) That much hatred for Bush – I know just the person to hire you- Hello, Eason?”
President Bush insisted there was nothing to worry about. As a gesture of goodwill, he even signed the young mans book, “How to Assassinate The President — for dummies.”
I think it’s important that we take our security seriously.
We should start by renaming stuff.
Representative Charles Rangel Tuesday that it was an act of discrimination to label groups like Hezbollah “Islamic terrorists.”
Here’s my favorite part– “When we had the Ku Klux Klan we didn’t call them Baptist terrorists. When Hitler was killing Jews, we didn’t call it Christian terrorists.”
I love it! Hitler was a Christian? I guess it’s all relative..
I mean, somewhere in America there’s a 900 pound man that looks at Michael Moore and says, “How does Michael keep such a trim figure?”
I can understand how ultra-liberals could confuse Hitler with a Christian. Sure, he murdered 6 million Jews, but he buried the bodies. “What a Christian”, they say.
When they pull the feeding tube on Terri Schiavo, and let her starve, I’m sure they’ll roll her carcass onto the street for street cleaning day.
I’m sure Rangel would admire this Christian act.
BTW, we still have the KKK, and we don’t call them Baptists — we call them Senator.
Time is running out for Terri Schiavo.
You know, I actually thought of a great solution!
Maybe the best answer is to accuse her of a crime and then have her arrested.
Sounds cruel, I know. But at least this way, she might get some healthcare — and at least a minimal amount of therapy — how else could she answer the charges?
Now, the ‘victim’ would have to be a black person. This way we’d have Al Sharpton there saying that a black person’s rights were violated by this woman pretending to be vega-tose. He’d be careful not to call her a Vegatose Christian.
Hurray, maybe finally there would be a liberal organization that gave a crap!!
Oh, man. I’m doing it again.
Think about puppies. Think about puppies.
In India, two little boys and two girls were each married off — not to each other — but to puppies. It was a special ceremony to ward off evil.
They were all happy with their puppies except for one boy who cried because – “My puppy is coyote ugly.”
Besides, how often do you hear a toddler ask, “How did I get stuck with this bitch?”
According to the Daily News of Pakistan, “neighbors and relatives of the four children danced to music performed by the band before the marriages were solemnized with puppies of the opposite sex.”
What song do you play for something like this? “Who let the dogs out?”
“I need to ward off evil. How much is that puppy in the window?”
Reports are showing that a chemical found in rocket fuel is being detected in breast milk.
Yes, it is being found in quantities that are not considered safe.
Evidently, they had always suspected something was wrong.
“Sweetheart, do you have to go potty?”
“Yes, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. ooops. Blasting off!”
Of course there were other hints as well.
“Is everything coming out okay?”
“Uh, Houston, we have a problem.”
This is wild. We have a chemical from rocket fuel in a mother’s breast milk!!
Authorities are stressing that this doesn’t mean that a mother should automatically turn to baby formula. Yep, that’s right. Baby formula normally has too much diesel!
Wild, huh? Hopefully we can get those rocket fuel chemicals down to a healthy level. Man, you never know what can get you sick.
Careful out there. There is a new cell phone virus going around.
If you have a phone with BlueTooth wireless technology, you can get it if you walk within 100 feet of an infected phone. Basically, the virus puts weird messages on your screen.
Be careful, if you get the virus twice, you end up with pictures of Paris Hilton.
Authorities are worried. They’re concerned that the virus might mutate and affect the population of IPODS!
Well, why isn’t congress doing something? We need Nationalized Phone Healthcare!
**
Folks, I have a special request. My time schedule doesn’t allow for to much web surfing. So- it’s IMAO reader involvement time. If you read a newsblurb out there that might interest people – pass it on to me. It doesn’t have to be funny to be newsworthy. Anything can be made funny. If you’re a blogger, make sure you include your blog address for proper linkage.
You can reach me at rightwingduckatyahoocom. Include the word “Roundup” in the subject line.
As always, please post your favorite joke in comments. I’ll try to tone it down, hopefully with other news stories I can get away from being too political.
The Next Way To Space
Warning!!!! (Mostly) Non-Political Humor Ahead.
What will be the next way to space?
Rockets? We’re using those now so ‘next’ doesn’t exactly apply. But since I brought them up, they are too expensive and too dangerous. And they are inconvenient, you have to endure all those gut-wrenching G forces,
“Hello lunch. Its… been a while.”
Then there’s the [sigh] fire. All these years have passed and humans are still using FIRE to get to space? Fire is something you yell for fun in a crowded theater, its not for exploring the final frontier.
Space Elevator? Electric, better than fire. But listening to elevator music for over 6 hours is enough to make just about anybody completely Dean out.
“Hmmm, was that the 23rd or the 24th time I’ve heard ‘New York, New York?”
“Do I care?”
“Why do I keep asking myself questions?”
“I don’t know.”
“Ack! Now I’m answering!”
duh duh dada dada DUH – Start spreading….the news…..-
“Yeaarrrrgh!”
And everybody dies.
And can you imagine standing, waiting, watching the floor indicator for that long either? No amount of small talk can fill a 6 hour elevator ride.
“Nice weather we’re having.”
“Yeah.”
“I wonder if the weather will be nice up at the space station.”
“Umm, There’s no weather in space.”
“But what about solar flares and coronal mass ejections?”
“Listen PSYCHO, I’ve got MACE and you are FOUR hours from a drinking fountain. Back off and keep any…mass ejections… to yourself!”
And somebody dies.
People go insane having to wait like that. For many of us, in an enclosed room, insane arrives in MUCH less than six hours. So the unbuilt, scary, space elevator is out.
The next way to space and you heard it here first or possibly elsewhere, is the….
Aquaman’s Safety Tips – Car Accidents
Frank J. in “The Accident”
So, yesterday on my way back from working, I was going ninety through a school zone when suddenly, out of whimsy, I slammed on the brakes and stopped in the middle of an intersection after running a red light.
That was my mistake.