Hello everyone.
Welcome to IMAO the group humor blog.
I’m RightWingDuck and I’d like to take a few minutes and talk about what’s happening in the news lately.
The BBC is reporting that use of the Pill can change a woman’s taste in men.
Hmm. How long does this take? Could this change the dating scene for ugly men?
“Lisa, we’ve been working together for a year now. Would you like to go out with me?
“No, I’m sorry. I’m just not attracted to you. Can’t we just be friends?
“Sure thing. Here, taste this pill for me. How do I look now?”
“Better”
“Try this one.”
“Better yet”
“And this one.”
“Hey, you look a little bit like Russell Crowe. Would you like to go out to dinner?”
Now THAT would be a great invention. Not for me — but for you ugly guys- heck yes.
In other news, the Geneva Motor Show will be displaying a car that can sense your mood.
I don’t know if this is a good idea. Some guys are already having a hard time accepting GPS. Now we have something that senses our mood?
GPS System: “Driver, you should have turned left back there.”
Mood System: “He’s not listening. He’s in a bad mood.”
Driver: “I’m not in a bad mood, leave me alone. I meant to miss that turn.”
Mood System: “See, I told you he was in a bad mood. I just know these things. Let me shut down the car.”
Driver: “Hey, you shut down the car. What the heck is wrong with you?”
Mood System: (Long pause) “Well, if you don’t know — I’m not going to tell you.”
Driver: “You’re shutting me off? In the middle of nowhere?”
GPS System: “Well you wouldn’t be ‘nowhere’ if you had listened to me. He never listens.”
Driver: “I AM NOT IN A BAD MOOD!”
Mood System: “He’s yelling. I told you he was in a bad mood. You want me to take over?”
I think that’s what John Kerry’s role will be in the next 4 years: The irritating back seat driver.
Try this one. Mr. Kerry is now saying that Dubya is finally implementing the Kerry plan. I don’t know what to say about this. Some things just fry the brain. I can imagine what those conversations are like.
Kerry: You should tell the Iraqis that our goal is to leave as soon as we can.
Dubya: I told them that already.
Kerry: Good, you’re following my plan.
Dubya: What do you mean, YOUR plan? This has been the plan from day one!
Kerry: Ooh, you’re in a bad mood. You want me to take over?
In Other Kerry News, Teresa Heinz Kerry dropped the Kerry part of her name. It was a silly idea to begin with. It was disrespectful of the man she truly loves — Mr. Heinz himself.
I guess it’s only fair. After all, now that the election is over, John no longer has to hold her hand in public.
A lot is happening in the art world.
At a recent auction, a bidder paid over $500,000 for a painting of dogs playing poker. The auction house is really excited. Next week they’ll be auctioning off: Elvis on Black Velvet. And the pottery people thing that the Shrek Chia Pet should fetch a pretty sum.
Ashley Olsen is suing the National Enquirer for $40 million dollars. In her suit, she contends that the Enquirer ran a false story about her involvement in a drug scandal.
The Enquirer is standing by its story and has said, “We’ll see you in court.”
Oh, man. Do you know what this means?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
The Enquirer has more guts than CNN!
No retraction. No resignation. No accusations of a mob rule by salivating celebrities. They stand by their story.
Ashley contends that the tabloid is trying to ruin her career.
Poor thing. It might get to the point where she won’t be able to make any more of those crappy movies.
With $40 million dollars, she could finally make “New York Minute, Part II”. That should be good for another $5 million dollars in revenue.
The Enquirer has also hired Anna Nicole Smith to write a weekly column. What about? I don’t know. I guess what she knows best: nudity, weight loss, and how to marry a rich guy.
She beat out the other contestant — John F. Kerry.
Said Kerry, “She’s following my outlines. I outlined a plan a long time ago. If she follows my plans she’ll be fine.”
J-Lo is has cancelled her latest tour because of illness.
Wow, you know it must be really bad when you don’t even have enough strength to lip-synch.
J-Lo is developing a new fashion line. It is conceivable that her next movie review would be a clean sweep.
I would love to see that movie review. “This movie was awful. The soundtrack was pathetic, and the costumes they wore were gaudy and tasteless. The good news, J-Lo found the man of her dreams while filming. She’ll be getting married right after divorcing her current husband and breaking up with her last fiancé.”
No concerts? I hate when good entertainment gets cancelled.
Which I guess why I’m not so affected by the loss of the National Hockey season this year.
No more body slamming? No more swearing? No more vicious brute force? Thankfully, NHL fans can get a special Cable TV subscription to Howard Dean and the DNC meetings.
The NHL reminds me of the DNC – nothing really there to see, but still quite a few fans.
Have you heard the latest?
Howard had requested a media blackout for a meeting with a top Pentagon advisor. He wanted no reporting, no recording, no record of anything.
Hey, who does this guy think he is — Eason Jordan?
Thankfully, he changed his mind.
Meanwhile Wednesday, ‘Dean called on the head of New York’s Republican Party to apologize or resign over remarks linking the Democrats to a civil rights lawyer convicted of aiding terrorists.’
Yes. I agree. That remark was very offensive. Amazing, Dean is already becoming a good influence on the DNC. Under his leadership, they just might become the party of the guys with Confederate flags on their pickup trucks.
I’d like to close out today’s roundup with a bit of sad news.
Sad news really. Pop Singer George Michael has said “Good bye” to the pop music world. Yes, he’s done. He’s said, “Good bye.”
The pop music world responded, “George who?”
He’s leaving the music industry!?
Oh no! Who’s next? Bobby Brown?
**
That’s it for today. Remember, I post from the West Coast (hey that rhymed) so check in late each evening where I should be posting the monologue for the day.
It’s an honor to be one of the IMAO bloggers. My site at www.rightwingduck.net will still be up and running with a couple of fresh humor posts each week.