Hello IMAO readers,
RightWingDuck here to share the news. Actually, today’s theme is on the Oscars.
The Oscars have come and gone. Wow, that was so exciting.
Not all reviews for Chris Rock were good. In fact, many were offended by his rant against George Bush — or as Hollywood calls it, “Standard Opening #1.”
The national ratings were down from last year. It appears they lost viewers in Middle America. Hollywood is trying desperately to connect with those red states. In fact, next year they have just the right event — they plan to hang President Bush in effigy!
That should lure them in.
It was Rock’s first time hosting the Oscars, so obviously he was confused.
Insulting the President isn’t the job of the host- it’s the job of the Winners!! (Standard Thank You #2)

He’ll get better with time.
Chris Rock started with a monologue on Bush and the Iraq war. This is what caused the most eyebrows to go up — besides the Botox.
Some viewers in America were offended. Others were cheering. Of course, Hollywood cheered.
But be careful. Readers, they weren’t cheering because it was funny. They were cheering because it was good ol’ fashion Bush Bashing.
Rock compared the Iraq war to this whole thing with working in the Gap and going to war against another store. And then all these employees die — and then you see that they never had toxic tank tops.
Hee hee. Bloody shopping malls are such a funny image.
Come on, do you really think Hollywood can relate to that joke?
Heck, they don’t even know what The Gap is!!
To them, “Enjoying the Gap” means an evening with Paris Hilton!”
Rock then offered a heartfelt thank you to all of our troops overseas.
Embarrassingly enough, he forgot to thank all the Gap employees. Did they die for nothing?
I expect Hollywood to entertain. I don’t expect it to be America’s Moral compass!
When it comes to entertainment, these people live by three principles. Cleavage, sex, and lesbian sex — with lots of cleavage. That’s good enough for me.
Some were upset at some of the changes in the Oscars.
They tried to make them faster by presenting some of the awards in the aisles. This of course, saved us the time of watching them walk onto the stage. How much time does this rally save?
Here’s a suggestion: Why not use that walking time to plug in a commercial on screen.
Off Screen Announcer: “Mr. Eastwood has been sitting for twenty minute with no problem — thanks to Preparation H. Preparation H — sit and enjoy.”
Next year, they’ll even have a special presentation: Johnny Oscars!
“And the Oscar goes to..”
“Excuse me.. Do you have any paper on your side?”
“Well, you lost. Go ahead and use your acceptance speech.”
Off screen announcer. “And while they accept their award, we’d like to remind our viewers that it’s okay to squeeze the Charmin. Is the acceptance speech two-ply? Of course not. But Charmin always is. Charmin Toilet Paper.”
But that wasn’t the only thing that was wrong. Did you catch it?
Let’s go to the Duckie Cam..Laura Linney presenting an award in the aisle.
Laura Linney: “Here is your award for best movie short.”
Winner: “Thank you. I would just like to thank…”
Laura: “POPCORN! Get your popcorn. Fresh hot popcorn!!!”‘
Winner: “Excuse me, I’m trying to give a thank you speech.”
Laura: “I’m sorry. Here’s some popcorn.”
Winner: “I would just like to thank..””
Laura: “Hey, Mr. Littleshot. That popcorn isn’t free you know.”
Thanks heavens for the Duckie-Cam. Those moments were almost lost forever.
Jamie Foxx was the big winner. Congratulations to Mr. Foxx. . From what I gather, his award was well earned.
Now he can make the movie he’s always dreamed of doing- Booty Call- Part 2.
The Best Song Award went to “El Otro Lada Del Rio” (On the Other Side of the River) from the Che Gueverra movie. It was performed by Santana and Antonio Banderas.
At first I thought, “What the heck is Antonio Banderas doing singing?” Then I remembered that he used to be a singer before coming to America.
Antonio is a better actor than he is a singer — but then again — that’s like saying that Ted Kennedy is a better driver than he is a politician.
Man, that was one painful, ugly song!
That’s a song you make up when your kid has a toothache and you’re trying to sing her to sleep at 2 o’clock in the morning.
That’s a song you make up when you choked and forgot the lyrics on American Idol.
That’s the song you hear when you play a record backwards!!! Any record.
Then the guy wins an award for it — and what does he do? He sings it.
All.
Over.
Again.
“Al otro lado del riooooooooooooooooooo.”
And, God help me, it was even worse.
How did Communism grow in Cuba? That SONG!!
“I will never yield my liberty to the infection that is Communism! NEVER!”
“Al otro lado del riooooooooooooooooooo.”
“Oh God, stop. Just give me my ration card and go!”
Hollywood Events like this are all about the glamour.
Some of those ladies looked amazing beautiful. Like Laura Linney and Charlize Theron.
Others looked female — like Hillary Swank.
And some celebrities looked just awful.
I don’t know what Barbra Streisand spends her money on — but you can bet on one thing for sure — it’s not personal trainers!
Oh, and Natalie Portman proved that you can indeed wear expensive hair, makeup and evening gown — and still manage to look as unflattering as possible.
BTW, if any one of you bumps into Johnny Depp, tell him I said, “Arrgh, matey.”
Obviously, his last movie had no budget for makeup REMOVAL. Time for a telethon.

“For just pennies a day, you too can help Johnny remove his makeup. Please won’t you give today? He’s got the People’s Choice awards next week.”
**
Thank you. Thank you all.
I would just like to thank my agent. The academy. The people of IMAO, and all those who helped me get here. You like me, you really like me.
Oh, and if you did, post your favorite joke in comments.