Things to Say While Getting a Lap Dance

I’m not at liberty to mention how the topic came up, but it did.
An acquaintance of mine (who shall remain nameless, assuming the check clears) was chastised by a… let’s just call her an “adult entertainment industry worker“, shall we?… for being taciturn while receiving a lap dance.
As the gentleman exclaimed to me, “What SHOULD I have said?”
What indeed…


THINGS TO SAY WHILE GETTING A LAP DANCE

* Why, yes, I do come here often.
* Less dancing, more lapping, please.
* If that grind were any finer, you could work at Starbucks.
* Can you move to the left a little? You’re making a long distance call on my cell phone.
* And no, you can’t borrow it to tell your husband you’ll be home late.
* OW! PINCHY! OW! OW!
* Personally, I think the whole existentialist movement was simply cognitive escapism in denial of mortality’s undeniable inevitability and a subconscious avoidance of… OO! MOMMY!
* It’s not that I’m not aroused, it’s just that I’m intimidated because yours is bigger than mine.
* Two! Four! Six! Eight! Won’t you help me masturbate?
* No, my pants are wet because I spilled my drink. Keep going.
* I just took a bottle of Enzyte. We’re going to need a bigger chair for this.
* Finger lickin’ good!
* Have I ever told you that you’re my favorite sister?


That should help avoid those awkward social situations.
Just remember to kill any witnesses and bury them in shallow graves afterwards, lest they mention the event to your girlfriend.


First.

26 Comments

  1. Funny stuff.
    Now we need a list of excuses that you told Sarah of how you were forced to go by your friend and didn’t enjoy it at all.
    Danjo
    “look honey, Sarah lets Frank go, why can’t I go?”

  2. For the record, I had some content concerns myself, and ran this list by Frank J. prior to posting. I even specifically asked him about the word “masturbate”.
    He didn’t have a problem with it.
    I guess IMAO just had its first Janet Jackson moment.

  3. I didnt have a problem, but this is probably a good suggestion to be on the safe side:
    that whole post should’ve gone under a “Read more” link
    That way people who would be bothered can click it anyway out of curiosity, but then its their own fault.

  4. Ok, so can I please hear from someone who was ACTUALLY offended instead of just people who are worried that someone MIGHT be offended?
    Since you never know what someone’s going to post in the comments so you can never be certain the “read more” link is work safe.
    Common sense, people.

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