Glenn Reynolds’ Rehab Clinic

Posted by Harvey on 4 March 2005, 10:32 pm

(A Filthy Lie)
So I was watching the Playboy channel the other night – and before you say anything, I only watch it for the commercials – I saw this one commercial for a new rehab clinic that Glenn Reynolds is opening up in Memphis. The transcript is in the extended entry…

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Aircraft Purchase

Posted by Frank J. on 4 March 2005, 1:02 pm

Since I don’t have any humor of my own to post today (I need to get back to reading the Bible), I’ll post one of my favorite bits of internet humor that’s been floating around for years.

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Bin Laden’s Blackberry Hacked!

Posted by spacemonkey on 4 March 2005, 12:09 pm

IMAO Exclusive! More actual* IM logs from the Blackberry owned by the left’s favorite terrorist.
OBL: Wassup Johnny?
PrettyJohnny: Well, O, I’m still out of work.
OBL: At least you aren’t LIVING IN A [BLEEP]ING CAVE, like SOME PEOPLE I know.
PrettyJohnny: Hey now, O, baby, You KNOW things would be different if the bad hair twins hadn’t stolen the election.
OBL: yeah, yeah, I know, I know, you and Flip did what you could. But this whole running for my life, cave living deal, well, sorta sucks.
PrettyJohnny: It’s probably just a matter of time though.
OBL: Till what? They catch me? Have you heard something??
PrettyJohnny: No you silly-sally. till I’LL be living in a cave too. I’m out of work and I’m still having to keep myself up, y’know.
OBL: Of course, its your Allah-given right to be pretty. But Johnny, you wouldn’t make it three minutes in a cave.

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Voice Response Systems are Not Our Friends

Posted by SarahK on 4 March 2005, 11:29 am

T-Mobile’s voice response system
VOICE: Hi, I’m Roxy. I’m worthless.
SARAHK: Hi, worthless. I’d like to check my balance.
VOICE: I think you said you’ve lost your balance. Is that correct?
SARAHK: No, I’d like to check my balance.
VOICE: I’m sorry, that is not an appropriate response.
SARAHK: Well, you’re a worthless voice response system.
VOICE: That social security number does not match the number on your account.
SARAHK: Social security? What are you talking about?
VOICE: I believe I heard, ‘I’d like to go on a walkabout.’ For an Australian walkabout, say ‘G’day’. For a walkabout in Tasmania, run around in circles and freak people out.
SARAHK: LISTEN! I JUST WANT TO CHECK MY BALANCE!
VOICE: There is no need to yell. Voice response systems have feelings too. I’m hurt.
SARAHK: You’re gonna think hurt in about five seconds, missy.
VOICE: That’s better. Did you say you were in a car wreck and would like Roadside Assistance to call someone for you?
SARAHK: Wha? That’s not even on my plan.
VOICE: Would you like to add it?
SARAHK: No.
VOICE: Did I hear, “Yes”? One moment please.
SARAHK: I DIDN’T SAY YES!! I SAID NO!!
VOICE: There you go with the yelling again. I’ll pause while you regain your manners.
SARAHK: Worthless, I just want to check my balance.
VOICE: You want to check your balance. Is that correct?
SARAHK: Yes, thank you.
VOICE: One moment, please, while I transfer you to a representative. To expedite your call, please say the last four digits of your social security number.
SARAHK: Fi–
VOICE: I’m sorry. That is not the correct date of birth.
SARAHK: You asked for social security number!
VOICE: I’m sorry. You’ll have to call back. Be sure to ask for Roxy. Good-bye.
later…
VOICE: Welcome to T-Mobile’s voice response system. I’m Roxy, and I’m worthless.
SARAHK: Hi, worthless.
VOICE: What can I help you with? Remember to speak clearly so I can properly aggravate you.
SARAHK: I need to change the name on my account.
VOICE: Let me make sure I got that correctly. Did you say you have a question about your address?
SARAHK: Um, no.
VOICE: Please do not call Roxy a dumb ho. Roxy is a real person with real feelings and real tears. Do you feel the real tears dripping from your earpiece?
SARAHK: Roxy, you’re great and all, but I need to change my name.
VOICE: I believe you said you need to change for the game. May I suggest something red? Red is your color.
SARAHK: Well, um, thank you. I do look good in red, huh?
VOICE: Yes. May I help you with something else?
SARAHK: Yes. When I call other people, my name on their caller ID shows up as my former name.
VOICE: Did you say you want to crawl over people, holler “hidey” and throw up on a door frame?
SARAHK: I give up.
VOICE: I do not understand your response. Is that “give” up, or “throw” up?
SARAHK: Neither.
VOICE: I’m sorry. I will require a response before I can continue.
SARAHK: Am I on Candid Camera?
VOICE: Please try again. Say your social security number.
SARAHK: We’re back to the social security number? Fi–
VOICE: I’m sorry. We are experiencing ridiculously high call volume.
SARAHK: At midnight?
VOICE: Goodnight.
SARAHK: No wait!! … Hello? … Hello?
even later…
VOICE: Welcome to T-Mobile. I hope you enjoy your evening with us.
SARAHK: Well, this shouldn’t take all evening.
VOICE: Everything takes all evening, hon.
SARAHK: Are you going to ask what I want?
VOICE: No.
SARAHK: Should I just tell you?
VOICE: Hold on… … … Ok, ma’am, I’m ready.
SARAHK: What were you doing?
VOICE: I’m in the can.
SARAHK: Perhaps when you’re in the can, someone else can take calls for you.
VOICE: I do not understand your response. Would you like to change your service plan?
SARAHK: No, I like my plan.
VOICE: One moment, while I change your service plan.
SARAHK: Fine, whatever. Listen, I haven’t received my bill.
VOICE: Ma’am, what I hear is that you were deceived by Phil.
SARAHK: No, I didn’t say that.
VOICE: Would you like T-Mobile to take care of Phil for you?
SARAHK: Y’all do that kind of thing?
VOICE: On occasion.
SARAHK: No thanks. I want to know how much my bill is so I can pay it.
VOICE: Did you say you’d like to book a Caribbean cruise?
SARAHK: No, I want to pay you.
VOICE: T-Mobile pays me a nice wage, but thank you for the offer.
SARAHK: Can I speak to an operator?
VOICE: One moment while I transfer you to a humorless man who hates his job and hates you even more.
SARAHK: Uhhh… okay.
VOICE: I’m sorry, that is not the social security number associated with this account. Please call later when call volumes are even higher. Good-bye, and thank you for patronizing T-Mobile.
SARAHK: Blast it.