Sorry for the long delay. In case you’ve forgotten, when we were last reading the Bible, Abraham was putting a knife to his wang.
Well, now Sarah is promised a new son, and we reach the first exchange in the Bible where I actually laughed out loud. See, when Sarah, who is like old, hears this, she laughs and is like, “Yeah right!” And this displeases the Lord.

(Gen 18:13-15)
And the LORD said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh, saying, “Shall I surely bear a child, since I am old?’ Is anything too hard for the LORD? At the appointed time I will return to you, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.”
But Sarah denied it, saying, “I did not laugh,” for she was afraid.
And He said, “No, but you did laugh!”

I lost it right there. I just can’t imagine the Lord Almighty engaging in a game of:

“No I didn’t!”
“Yes you did!”
“No I didn’t!”
“You did too!”

What’s Sarah going to follow her denial up with? “If I did laugh, well, prove it.”
Come on; do you think you can pull one over on God? I guess people weren’t as familiar with omnipotence back then, though, because the next part of Chapter 18 has Abraham bargaining with God. You see, God was like, “There’s something about Sodom and Gomorrah I just don’t like. I’m going to destroy them two cities.”
Well, Abraham doesn’t like that, so he’s like, “I don’t want to question you Lord – ’cause you know I’d never do that – but if I could get a word in here – once again, no offense – let’s say there’s like fifty righteous people in these cities. Would You still destroy them?”
Then God takes a swig of whiskey, thinks for a moment, and says, “Yeah, guess I wouldn’t destroy them then.”
Then Abraham says, “Well, if I may be speak again – and, as I remind, I ain’t questioning Ya – let’s say there’s only forty-five…”
And Abraham keeps at this until God is finally like, “Okay, I won’t destroy the cities if there are ten righteous people… but no less!” Chapter 18 ends there, but I bet the part left out is God saying, “Ha! Stupid bastard; I would have gone all the way down to seven.”
Chapter 19 starts with Lot in Sodom trying to keep two angels from getting… well… sodomized.
“Bring those purty men you have with you out here so we can make them squeal like a pig!”
Naturally, the angels are grateful and tell Lot to get his ass out of Sodom – but he decided to take his wife and two daughters with him instead of his donkey. The angels were like, “Now you head to the mountains, boy.”
But Lot was like, “The mountains are scary! Can’t I head to that town there – Zoar?”
And the angels are all, “Zoar? They named a placed Zoar? Fine, whatever.”
So they all flee, but Lot’s wife looks back at the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. Thus, God punishes her by turning her into a pillar of salt.
Salt?
Where does God come up with these punishments? If I wanted to make an example of someone, I’d have him burst into flames and then explode his head. But salt? I don’t get that. I guess that’s why He’s God and I’m just Frank J., though.
Anyway, Abraham comes by and overthrows all the cities Lot had dwelled in, including his favorite delis, so Lot and his daughters have to head to the mountains anyway. Then things get weird.
Now, Lot’s daughters figure that Lot can’t keep his lineage going since his wife is salt… and you can’t get it on with salt. Or, if you could, it would probably be painful, and you’d end up with salt babies. So Lot’s daughters get him plenty drunk and get it on with him. Man, he better have been really really drunk and not just faking it.
Anyway, he gets two sons – Moab and Ben-Ammi – and who knows what weird defects they have. Plenty creeped out, I decided to set the Bible down for now.
Later, thumpers.