(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Frank J. – giddy with success from his brilliant idea of converting IMAO to a group blog – recently convened a meeting of the IMAO editorial board deep in the heart of the super-secret IMAO Cave. There he outlined his cleverest plan ever for placing the might of the blogosphere in the service of Truth and Justice. He also tried to get us to join Amway, but that’s not important right now. In the extended entry, I’ve placed the official minutes of that meeting, plus some supporting documentation that was discovered in Sandy Berger’s socks…

FRANK: Before I announce my next brilliant idea, I want to take roll call to make sure everyone’s here.
SARAH: Why don’t you just count the people sitting at the table?
FRANK: Because we’re in a cave, and it’s dark, and I can’t see a damn thing. Now let’s begin… uh… SarahK?
SARAH: Right here on your lap, ya goofy-goof.
FRANK: I was hoping that was you. Right Wing Duck?
RWD: Quack!
FRANK: Don’t be a smartass. Just say “here”.
RWD: Tail.
FRANK: What?
RWD: Ducks don’t have asses, they have tails, so technically what you want me not to be is a smarttail.
FRANK: You’re right… in that you won’t have an ass if I pluck it bald & stuff it in a deep-fryer! Which I will if you don’t straighten up… Anyway, I’ll take that as a “here”… Flying Space Monkey?
MONKEY: OO! OO! EE! EE! AH! AH!
FRANK: Plenty of room in the deep fryer for you, too, monkey boy…
MONKEY: Right, boss. I meant “here!”
FRANK: Cadet Happy?
CADET: Here.
FRANK: I’m glad SOMEBODY’S taking this seriously.
CADET: Actually I’m not, it’s just that I’m the picture-humor guy, and it’s too dark for you to see this photoshopped image I’m holding up of you wearing a big ball & chain labelled “SarahK”.
FRANK: We’re kinda busy now, so I’ll kill you later… Scott?… Scott?… Scott?
SARAH [gently]: Frank? You know I love you, but you REALLY have to stop pretending he exists. It was cute at first, but now you’re starting to scare me.
FRANK [glaring at SARAH]: I’m sure he’ll be here later! But right now, we’ve got work to do… Harvey?… Harvey?… HAR-VEY!
RWD: How many imaginary friends do you HAVE, Frank?
HARVEY [running breathlessly into room]: I’m NOT imaginary, I was just late because I was out getting a lap d…
FRANK, SARAH, RWD, MONKEY, CADET: AHEM!!!
HARVEY: …uh… a lap… DOG! For my elderly mother… whose old poodle died recently, and… uh… say, Frank, did you forget to pay the electric bill again?
FRANK: That’s not important right now. What matters is that we’re all here, and it’s time to unveil my new, brilliant plan to…
SARAH: WAIT! What about Aquaman?
FRANK: He’s already got a special mission of his own…

AQUAMAN: Gimme two chocolate glazed, two vanilla icing, two strawberry icing with the sprinkles, two… wait… do you have any Bavarian cream left?

FRANK: Meanwhile, here’s the plan. The blogosphere has been doing a great job of crushing those mainstream media jerks like Rather & Jordan. Since the new group-blog IMAO is now the most powerful force in the galaxy – at least since the recent destruction of the Death Star – it’s time to use our powers only for the betterment of mankind.
MONKEY: You mean you’re cutting prices on Nuke the Moon T-shirts?
FRANK: BLASPHEMER! [hurls chair in general direction of SPACEMONKEY’S voice] I mean we’re going to take down another evil journalist.
CADET: BRILLIANT!… I wish you could see this picture I’m holding up of me kissing your butt…
RWD: Ok, which journalist?
FRANK: How the hell should I know? I came up with the mission. You guys come up with the plan. Once you figure it out, then gather the necessary equipment, implement the plan, and then report back to me about how smart I am.
HARVEY: That doesn’t like a fair distribution of responsi…
FRANK [hurls chair in general direction of HARVEY’S voice]: SHUT UP!!!… Less talkin’, more obeyin’!… I’m gonna go play some video games & snuggle with my little oogie-woogums…
SARAH: giggle Oh, Frank! You’re so adorable! I… HEY! Watch the hands, mister!… No ringy-wingy, no gropey-boobie!
FRANK: You guys keep plottin’… me & the squeeze are outta here…

RWD: Soooo…. Al Franken?
MONKEY: Ted Koppel?
CADET: I’m holding up one of Ted Rall’s crappy cartoons…
HARVEY: How about Peter Jennings? I heard he used to be Canadian.
RWD: CANADIAN! That’s like being French!
MONKEY: Except with a tuque instead of a beret.
HARVEY: And slightly less surrendering. Let’s get him!
CADET: I’m holding up a picture of a thumbs-up to signal my agreement.
RWD: Would you knock it off with the pictures, already? [turns on light] There! Better?
HARVEY: Hey! How’d you DO that? I thought Frank forgot to pay the electric bill?
MONKEY: He did. But I hacked into the electric company’s billing database & listed him as paid up until 2097.
HARVEY: Cool!… Say… that gives me an idea… if you can hack into Jennings’ teleprompter, we can make him say a bunch of really stupid lies, and then he’d have to resign in disgrace!
MONKEY: Or get promoted…
RWD: Who cares? Either way, I still get some great material for my daily news round-up. Let’s do it! All in favor?
HARVEY: Aye!
MONKEY: Aye!
CADET: I’m holding up a picture of… [gets knocked unconscious by chair hurled by RWD]
HARVEY [admiringly]: Nice shot, Ducky. Now let’s get hackin’…

PETER JENNINGS: Our top story tonight… President Bush… is he a demon from hell, or merely a child-molesting Hitler-clone? We’ll have the answer tonight, as ABC news interviews a wino who was just pulled out of a dumpster who – for the price of a bottle of Boone’s Farm wine – is willing to say on camera that Chimpy McSatan is 1000 times worse than either. His shocking allegations are supported by these handwritten notes that I just now made on the back of this Burger King napkin. Since our wino is also a handwriting expert – and in the mood for chasing his wine with a little Sterno – he’ll swear up and down that the handwriting matches Bush’s EXACTLY! Stay tuned, as ABC News attempts to stem the bloody tide of the murderous Bush administration… in an unbiased sort of way.

HARVEY: Great job, Monkey!
RWD: Did you see the look on Jennings’ face when the ABC security guys dragged him out of the anchor chair and threw him into the street? Freakin’ PRICELESS!
CADET: If I would’ve been conscious for the event, I’d probably be holding up a congratulatory picture right now.
MONKEY: Guys… what are you talking about?
HARVEY: DUH! Jennings read the script you fed into the teleprompter.
RWD [in Yoda voice]: Hmmmmm. Yes. His ass fired, it got.
MONKEY: Yeah, but that’s the thing… I couldn’t get past the ABC firewall. I never hacked the teleprompter.
HARVEY: But he read our fake script verbatim! … Well, except for where he used “child-molesting” instead of “wife-beating”…
RWD: So you’re saying that that stuff was what ABC actually meant to put on the teleprompter? That it was REAL?
MONKEY: Real… but accurate.
HARVEY: Close enough for blogger’s work. I’m outta here. ‘Night fellas.
MONKEY: ‘Night.
RWD: ‘Night.
CADET: I’m holding up a picture of a… HEY!… Put the chairs down!… I was just kidding! Goodnight, already!

[6 HOURS LATER]
AQUAMAN: Hey, guys! Sorry I’m late! I got mugged by a couple cops on the way back from Krispy Kreme. Lucky for me they dumped my body in the river after they stole my donuts and beat the crap out of me, so I was able to swim to safety, and…
Where’d everybody go?… AHA! A mystery to be solved! This looks like a job for…
AQUAMAN!…
… if I can ever get out of these damn handcuffs…