(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
I’m not the sort of person to gloat at the misfortune of others…
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Sorry, my bs detector just went off.
Anyway, Dan Rather’s out of a job, and I’m sitting here grinning smugly… well… SORTA smugly.
Truth is, I was a little disapointed by how his last show went down. He just sat there, did his newscast, said his goodbyes peacefully, and that was it.
Personally, I was hoping for something a little… less dignified… something that would better befit a man with his weasel quotient.
I’ve placed my list of possible scenarios in the extended entry:

• Have Dan Rather slowly lowered into a clear plexiglass tank full of pirahnas, with each fish having a different blog name painted on its side.
• “Look! Little Green Footballs is eating his kneecaps!”
• Freeze him in carbonite and hang him on the sidebar at Powerline.
• CBS Evening News starts with a close-up of Dan Rather slumped over dead at his desk. The card next to him reads, “I, Donald Rumsfeld, strangled this man“.
• CBS interviews Detective Ian Competent, who reports that police are baffled.
• Tell Dan he can keep his job if can answer the question, “What is the average air speed velocity of a forged TANG memo from an Abilene Kinko’s?”
• The camera crew gets to line up and punch Dan Rather in the stomach instead of making covert obscene gestures as they’ve done for the last 24 years.
• Rather’s final words are drowned out by chants of “What’s the frequency, Kenneth?“
• William Tager appears – kicks Rather repeatedly.
• Thumbtack in the anchor chair
• What can I say? I have a weakness for the classics.
• Freddy Krueger emerges from the teleprompter and says, “I’ve got some new for YOU, Dan… IN HELL!” before biting off Rather’s head.
• Remember that scene in Highlander where they tied Connor MacLeod’s hands to a board and ran him through a brutally violent gauntlet of his fellow Clansmen as they chased him out of the village? I’m thinking something like that would be OK.
• Then have Ted Koppel chop off Rather’s head with a sword while shouting, “There can be only ONE!”
• While we’re at the movies, do you remember what they did to the cop in “Reservoir Dogs” while “Stuck in the Middle With You” played in the background?
• Ok, one more – Christopher Walken’s big scene (NSFW .wav file) in “True Romance”. Picture Dan Rather as the guy on the receiving end of the lecture.

Good thing I’m not the vindictive type, huh?
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
YOU SHUT UP!
The rest of you, feel free to chime in.