(A Filthy Lie)
NOTE: DUE TO MATURE THEMES, READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED
If you weren’t watching Fox News tonight, I feel sorry for you, because you missed one HELL of a show.
Inspired by Steve Fossett’s recent solo, non-stop, global circumnavigation, the vile and despicable evil dark overlord of the blogosphere and part-time law professor, Glenn Reynolds, was on live TV attempting to set a new world record. I can’t find a link to a video clip, but the transcript is in the extended entry.
(note: I forgot to put the evilness in the extended entry last night. I apologize for the oversight. Remember kids, drugs are BAD, m’kay?)
SHEPARD SMITH: … and we hope Dan Rather dies screaming while choking on his own blood and begging an indifferent God to kill him quickly. But right now, we’re sending you out LIVE to Fox News correspondent Melinda Hawkish in Memphis… Melinda?
MELINDA HAWKISH: Thanks, Shepard. Good evening. I’m Melinda Hawkish and I’m here live in Memphis as super-blogger Glenn Reynolds is about to go on trial for his very life on charges of murdering hobos during grotesque Black Mass ceremonies in…
STAGEHAND: whisper-whisper-whisper
MELINDA: I’m sorry. I’ve just been informed that that’s NEXT week. My bad… TONIGHT I’ll be bringing you live coverage of Professor Reynolds as he attempts to set a new world’s record in “blogger punching“. He… Wait… “blogger punching“? What the HELL is that? Is that a euphemism for something dirty? Because I’m NOT gonna flush my career down the toilet because of some retarded Janet Jackson stunt! You guys can just find another slab of mutton to throw to those wolves at the FCC, because…
STAGEHAND: whisper-whisper-whisper
MELINDA: Oh… THAT’S not so bad… All righty, then… As I was saying, Glenn Reynolds already holds several world’s records, including shoving 54 puppies into a single blender, and Robot-Dancing for 168 consective hours. There’s also something involving penguins, but – like I said – the FCC ain’t gonna make me their bitch tonight, so we’ll skip that one… And here’s Reynolds now… Mr. Reynolds!… Mr. Reynolds!
GLENN: Hmmmm?
MELINDA: Mr. Reynolds, can you please tell our audience what you’ll be doing tonight?
GLENN: Indeed, Melinda. Tonight I’ll be attempting to set a new world’s record for punching a blogger. Specifically, Frank J. of IMAO. I tried it once in May of 2003, and it was so delightful, I thought I’d indulge myself repeatedly. Heh.
MELINDA: I see. So… Why Frank J.? Isn’t there a blogger who’s famous – or at least talented – that you could smack around? What about Andrew Sullivan?
GLENN: Heh. Well, as much pleasure as it would give me to bitch-slap that little poofter, I’m afraid the Sullivan-punching record is COMPLETELY out of reach. Political bloggers on both the left AND right have been pummelling him so long that his friends are calling him Andrew Everlast. I think the record on him is something like 6.02×1023 or so. Frank J.’s record, like his face, is much more breakable. Indeed.
MELENDA: I see… and what IS the record for punching Frank J.?
GLENN: The current record is 68, held by SarahK of Texas.
MELINDA: And when was that set?
GLENN: Shortly after Frank started playing virtual footsie with a certain irresistably sexy Asian blogger, who I’d prefer not to name.
MELINDA: You mean Michelle Malkin?
SARAHK: did you say michelle malkin? i hate michelle malkin! i’ll strangle you dead! rarrrr!!!
MELINDA: gak! grk! HELP!
GLENN: Heh. Indeed. That’s why I didn’t want to mention her name.
MELINDA: Someone get this cow offa me!
SARAHK: i’m not a cow! i’m a snuggle-bunny! rarrrr!!!
MELINDA: HELP!
GLENN: Hmmmm… Hey! Sarah!… there’s a TV over there with American Idol on it…
SARAHK: oo! american idol!…[glares at MELINDA]… i’ll kill you later, pinkytoe chick… i’m coming, simon!!!
MELINDA: cough sputter… Thanks… now, back to the punching… How will you keep Frank J. from running away, screaming and crying like a little girl?
GLENN: Heh. Simple. Martinis… Everyone knows that boy can’t hold his liquor for sh**.
MELINDA: PLEASE! Mr. Reynolds! We’re on live TV! You can’t SAY that word!…[glancing around nervously]… the FCC has spies EVERYWHERE!
GLENN: Indeed. But it’s true what I said about Frank. I mean, look at the little monkey, prancing around over there…
FRANK: WHEEEEEE! Dude! I’m like totally drunk!
MELINDA: Wow! He IS acting like a total ass…
FRANK: I’m NOT a total ass! hic I’m the GRate FrnAk J.! Worshippp mE!!!
MELINDA: Geez, what a loser. Hurry up & start punching!
GLENN: With pleasure. Indeed.
MELINDA: All right, viewers, here we go. Glenn Reynolds is about to try to beat the old record of 68 Frank J. punches. In just one second, he’ll begin his attempt to 69 Frank J., and…
[Sound of sirens as a dozen armored vans marked “FCC” pull up on the scene. Jack-booted thugs – wearing black leather jackets emblazoned with the FCC smiley-face logo and motto of “We’re from the government, and we’re here to help you” – pour out like circus clowns exiting a Volkswagen and start tasering people left and right.]
MELINDA: What the…?
JACK-BOOTED GOVERNMENT THUG: Agent Smith of the FCC, Ma’am. We’re here to shut down this illegal broadcast in the name of THE CHILDRENTM!
MELINDA: But it’s not like we’re flashing around a bunch of little brown pierced perkies! There’s nothing here but healthy, natural, good, clean, brutal, bloody violence!
SMITH: Yes, but you said the one number that we, the knights who say “FCC”, cannot hear.
MELINDA: What? 69?
ALL AGENTS: AIEEEEE!!! Not that number! NO! It burns! The pain!
MELINDA: Guys… relax… It’s just a freakin’ NUMBER! All I was saying was that, in order to break the Frank J. punching record, Glenn had to make 69…
ALL AGENTS: AIEEEEE!!! Stop saying that number! It’s so EEEEEVIL! THE CHILDRENTM! Won’t somebody PLEASE think about THE CHILDRENTM?
STAGEHAND: I warned you about messing with the FCC, Melinda. If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you 69 times…
ALL AGENTS: AIEEEEE!!!
MELINDA: Right… this is just getting silly… we now return you to Shepard Smith in our New York studio… Hey, Frank! Gimme one of those damn martinis!… What?… NO! I’ll worship you later… and stop calling me Michelle Malkin…
SARAHK: michelle malkin? where? let me at her! rarrrr!!!
[screen goes suddenly to snow]
SHEPARD: Thanks, Melinda… Next up… the results of our viewer poll question, “Which of Michael Jackson’s organs would you like see removed from his body with a rusty spoon?”
Great as always, Harvey
I liked the scientific reference of Sullivan being hit “one mole” times…
Heh – “Which of Michael Jackson’s organs would you like see removed from his body with a rusty spoon?”
Given what he’s currently in court for, I think its obvious what the answer should be. But I cant say it here for fear of the FCC.
Great! Harvey, I was a carrier-borne sailor. Would’ve loved to go on liberty with you! You’re nearly as weird as I am. Probably smarter, too, ya nuke puke.
Did the FCC agents also ask for a nice shrubbery? (Not too large, & one that will go with the others.)
I can’t believe, though, that the weak-kneed, lily-livered one–let’s call hin GR–lives in my state. Wait, he’s in Memphis. That’s East Arkansas, or at best, North Mississippi. Up here in Robertson County, we’ve created motorcycle-powered blenders that can blend hoboes!!
Or maybe I dreamed that. I can work on it, though.
And if any commenters had thought that Harvey had yet to prove himself worthy of the IMAO-dom, that should silence them right there. It was utterly hilarious. Especially the “Andrew Everlast” part.
I personally heard that Evil Glenn’s next trick is to make Kos vote Republican.
And how can ANYONE hate Michelle Malkin?
SMITH: Yes, but you said the one number that we, the knights who say “FCC”, cannot hear.
LOL!!!
That is truly funny. If you could turn this blog into a weekly tv show, everyone would watch…
Keep it up
AIEEEEE!!! Not that number! NO! It burns! The pain!
I laughed for a minute and 9 seconds.
i do not hate michelle malkin. i’m just so jealous.
Don’t worry, sarahk. Michelle Malkin is already married. You’ve got Frank J. all to yourself. (Except for the cats of course.)
I was Michael Jacksons “IT BOY” for a season back in the early nineties.
It is all my fault that he is in this mess.
His heart will break half way through the defense arguments. I will do as asked and pickle him, wrap him in a cocoon of dolphin foreskin, The rest is none of your business.
Keep your rusty spoons away or I KILL YOU.
Funny insert $500,000 fine here, Harvey, but could you not have found another way to phrase it than “begin his attempt to 69 Frank J.”? Jeez…
Avagadro’s number!
Why would a sailor need to know chemistry?
Why would a sailor need to know chemistry?
Sailors also need to know engineering. It’s either know those two things or stay sober while at sea.
I apologize for thinking you were unfunny. This is one of the gayest posts I have ever read. (Gay meaning funny.)
Alsadius – That line was the hardest part of the whole piece to write. Trying to find the balance between making it seem a natural thing for Melinda to say, yet obscene enough to trigger an FCC attack.
If anyone can suggest a better-balanced phrasing, I’d enjoy hearing it, because I kept feeling like I was missing something.
Brian – I thought gay meant “festive” 🙂
Technical Point: Unless Reynolds is doing more than one puppy at a time, he’s actually pureeing. Blending implies mixing. And one of those really big commercial mixers.
Wow, that was a lotta ‘Rarrr’s… Is SarahK related to Rummy?