Pretentious chess nerd Bobby Fischer was freed Wednesday from the Japanese detention center where he’s been held for the last 9 months for having an invalid US passport.
Fischer originally gained fame in 1972 by defeating Russian chess champion Boris Spassky in a stunning upset, giving America a symbolic Cold War victory and high school chess club geeks a brief respite from their daily beatings.
20 years and 15,000 Thunderbird & Sterno martinis later, a very broke Fischer challenged Spassky to a rematch in Sarajevo, Yugoslavia in violation of international sanctions. Being down to his last bottle of cheap vodka, Spassky accepted, and the rest is history.
By which I mean it was quickly forgotten by all except the geeks who longed for those halcyon days of not being punched in the stomach every time they quoted Monty Python.
How I miss those days…
But to keep myself from pining away like a Norwegian Blue parrot, I thought I’d share (in the extended entry) some of my fondest memories that 1992 match:

Game 1 – Up to his old mind-games, Fischer (playing white) stares at Spassky for three solid hours – without blinking – before making his opening move. Spassky, being a hard-bitten and stoic Russian – as well as half-blind from a decade of drinking anti-freeze – stares back, ALSO unblinking. Fischer breaks the standoff by simultaneously moving P-K4 and yanking that annoying hair out of the mole on Spassky’s chin.
Game 4 – Fischer tries to intimidate Spassky by performing a series of ninja flips prior to every move. Spassky retaliates by fake-snatching at Fischer’s face, then poking his thumb between his first two fingers, and taunting “Got your nose!”. Fischer screams, “Give it back! Give it back!” – then cries, wets himself, and eventually loses the match.
Game 7 – Fischer is still behind in the contest, having only 1 win to Spassky’s 2. Panic sets in, causing him to attempt a desperate gamble – replacing Spassky’s vodka with water. Battling both sobriety and delirium tremens, Spassky agrees to forfeit the game if Fischer will just “for the love of GOD, man! Get these bugs off my arms!”.
Game 15 – After 2 drawn games that dragged on for 6 hours each, the players are desperate to avoid a threepeat. However, after another 6 hours of play, Spassky mistakenly moves his king into the corner square, triggering a stalemate and a third consecutive draw. Saddened but calm, Fischer meticulously jams all 32 chess pieces down Spassky’s throat. The tournament is delayed until after a box of Ex-Lax can be procured and deployed.
Game 22 – Fischer now leads, 8 wins to 4, and Spassky is sweating hard. Despite masterful combination attacks and a brilliant queen sacrifice, he finds himself cornered and facing mate in 3. However, in a flash of inspiration, Spassky spits the last of his vodka in Fischer’s face and sets it on fire, thus procuring a draw from the now-eyebrowless Fischer.
Game 29 – Fischer 9, Spassky 5, and it seems that each move only delays the inevitable as Fischer slowly crushes the life out of Spassky. However, at move 43 – only 2 moves from checkmate – Fischer glances at his watch, remembers that “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” is on TV, and settles for a draw. Fisher & Spassky gallop from the room on invisible horses – shouting “Ni!”, and giggling like schoolgirls all the way.
Game 30 – Now tired of toying with his quarry, on move 27 Fischer advances a pawn to the 8th rank, allowing him to promote it to a more powerful piece. Instead of the expected Queen, Fischer stuns Spassky by choosing a mere bishop. In the moment of Spassky’s distraction, Fischer employs the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique to garner his 10th win and conclude the contest in decisive fashion.

You dang chess geeks can start nit-picking in the comments now.