Sorry for the long delay. In case you’ve forgotten, when we were last reading the Bible, Abraham was putting a knife to his wang.
Well, now Sarah is promised a new son, and we reach the first exchange in the Bible where I actually laughed out loud. See, when Sarah, who is like old, hears this, she laughs and is like, “Yeah right!” And this displeases the Lord.
(Gen 18:13-15)
And the LORD said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh, saying, “Shall I surely bear a child, since I am old?’ Is anything too hard for the LORD? At the appointed time I will return to you, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.”
But Sarah denied it, saying, “I did not laugh,” for she was afraid.
And He said, “No, but you did laugh!”
I lost it right there. I just can’t imagine the Lord Almighty engaging in a game of:
“No I didn’t!”
“Yes you did!”
“No I didn’t!”
“You did too!”
What’s Sarah going to follow her denial up with? “If I did laugh, well, prove it.”
Come on; do you think you can pull one over on God? I guess people weren’t as familiar with omnipotence back then, though, because the next part of Chapter 18 has Abraham bargaining with God. You see, God was like, “There’s something about Sodom and Gomorrah I just don’t like. I’m going to destroy them two cities.”
Well, Abraham doesn’t like that, so he’s like, “I don’t want to question you Lord – ’cause you know I’d never do that – but if I could get a word in here – once again, no offense – let’s say there’s like fifty righteous people in these cities. Would You still destroy them?”
Then God takes a swig of whiskey, thinks for a moment, and says, “Yeah, guess I wouldn’t destroy them then.”
Then Abraham says, “Well, if I may be speak again – and, as I remind, I ain’t questioning Ya – let’s say there’s only forty-five…”
And Abraham keeps at this until God is finally like, “Okay, I won’t destroy the cities if there are ten righteous people… but no less!” Chapter 18 ends there, but I bet the part left out is God saying, “Ha! Stupid bastard; I would have gone all the way down to seven.”
Chapter 19 starts with Lot in Sodom trying to keep two angels from getting… well… sodomized.
“Bring those purty men you have with you out here so we can make them squeal like a pig!”
Naturally, the angels are grateful and tell Lot to get his ass out of Sodom – but he decided to take his wife and two daughters with him instead of his donkey. The angels were like, “Now you head to the mountains, boy.”
But Lot was like, “The mountains are scary! Can’t I head to that town there – Zoar?”
And the angels are all, “Zoar? They named a placed Zoar? Fine, whatever.”
So they all flee, but Lot’s wife looks back at the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. Thus, God punishes her by turning her into a pillar of salt.
Salt?
Where does God come up with these punishments? If I wanted to make an example of someone, I’d have him burst into flames and then explode his head. But salt? I don’t get that. I guess that’s why He’s God and I’m just Frank J., though.
Anyway, Abraham comes by and overthrows all the cities Lot had dwelled in, including his favorite delis, so Lot and his daughters have to head to the mountains anyway. Then things get weird.
Now, Lot’s daughters figure that Lot can’t keep his lineage going since his wife is salt… and you can’t get it on with salt. Or, if you could, it would probably be painful, and you’d end up with salt babies. So Lot’s daughters get him plenty drunk and get it on with him. Man, he better have been really really drunk and not just faking it.
Anyway, he gets two sons – Moab and Ben-Ammi – and who knows what weird defects they have. Plenty creeped out, I decided to set the Bible down for now.
Later, thumpers.
Its even funnier if you imagine it in Monty Python terms, cockney accents and such 🙂
After reading your Bible analysis, I worry about my little SarahK. Punk.
Ah excuse me but … is there some place on this blog that explains what the point is? I mean like .. what does nuke the moon mean?
like, check the sidebar, dude.
LOL! I loved it, all I could picture was the Almighty saying “Yes you did!” [bolt of lightening in the background]
Ahhh…brave little j brock. You’re in IMAO world now. Don’t make Frank J have you burst into flames and explode your head.
Go to the left and read the “Read the Essay” link under the Nuke the Moon graphic (hint: on my screen it’s next to Aquaman).
😉
Naturally, the angels are grateful and tell Lot to get his ass out of Sodom – but he decided to take his wife and two daughters with him instead of his donkey.
That line got me in some trouble at work. I was laughing so hard everyone thinks I’m crazy now
Just wait until you get to the part where he creates Redi-Whip. Oh. Wait – that’s Harvey Reads The Bible. Nevermind.
Frank, you skipped this bit of dialogue:
Lot: That crowd out there is getting pretty pissed. They really want you guys, and not in a good way.
Angels: Well with bodies like these, everybody wants some. We get it all the time.
Lot: Well, I gotta do SOMEthing.
Angels: Yeah, we’d do something but we’re too busy shining our halos. Why don’t you send out your daughters instead.
Lot: That’s a fabulous idea! God won’t be mad, will He?
Angels: Nah, this one’s on us–we’ll call it a business expense. God kinda looks down on women anyways–he’s never gotten over that whole Eve thing. You should hear Him rail away when He gets drunk.
Hey now, Lot was the one who proposed the mob get it on with his daughters, not the Angels.
By the way, Sodom and Gomorrah were the “cities of salt” along the Dead Sea. So the pillar of salt thing was symbolic of her ties to them. Plus making her burn and explode doesn’t leave her as a monument for the ages. I believe there is/was a pillar of salt in the area that is often referred to as “Lot’s Wife”.
This part of the bible kind of drags. There should have been a car chase on the flight from Sodom and Gomorra to keep our attention.
Also, Gomorra sounds a lot like a Japanese monster.
bikermommy: what you said made me laugh louder then i have for months – thanks for that! 🙂
I hope you’ve lost readers due to this crap…
Why do people insist on using GOD as the brunt of their assinine jokes???
And I thought Moab was what God used to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah.
I think He went with a pillar of salt so when the wind blows, her body will salt the ground where Sodom and Gamorrah once stood and prevent anything from growing there ever again.
Tricky, God. Tricky…
Does that mean you got SarahK pregnant already? ducks
This part of the bible always did weird me out. I remember going over it and over it with my Grandpa when I was a kid. Then I would ask him to read it again. Poor Grandpa would get all weird on me. Course now I know why. Grandpa was a braver man than I. No way will I try and read this stuff to my grandkids.
But now they have a place to learn the bible, IMAO! Bet you never would of thunk it would ya?
…and tell Lot to get his ass out of Sodom
Man, this has to be the best double entendre I’ve seen all year.
Oh, yeah, Hey hey hey and death to the infidels.
Wasn’t this about the same time God created GWAR?
The old testament has so much more sex and violence than the new testament… much more engaging.
I’m surprised that someone hasn’t tried to ban that section based on the fact that it promotes incest.
Seriously, insanely, OT.
Congress decided to let the oil companies drill in the Alaska. What happened to Iraq? Did we use it up already? We’ve only been there, what? 2 years?
If this Alaskian thing doesn’t play out we may need to invade Saudi Arabia. Not the desserts, just the pipelines.
actually, all the Iraqi oil is just to fuel the american war machine, didn’t you know thats the real reason why we invaded iraq?
seriously, tho, if we wanted easy oil, why not juts invade canada? its lower quality, but hey, its closer and cheaper.
Martigan,
He’s not making God the brunt of his jokes, he’s making religion the brunt of his jokes.
There’s a difference
No, no, I’m pretty sure it’s God.
Meh. God has a sense of humor I’m sure.
I wonder if he has His own blog?
Of course just visiting His blog with such impure computers as we have would cause them to explode…
bikermommy: Ha! you just called Frank J. a punk!
but don’t fear for your daughter, he won’t drag her into the inferno with him.
besides, he’s just exercising the sense of humor that the Almighty gave him, and if He gave it to him, He must have meant for it to be used and used often. even if He is the butt of an occasional joke. i don’t see anything in the news about lightning striking a blogger in FLA…..
but in about 70 or 80 years from now, i can see (in my mind’s eye) sarahk having to show her pass to leave Heaven to see her husband in Purgatory on visiting days.
fair enough. keep bringing the funny to us, Frank J.!
impure? i use windows….er…nevermind.
If you want to know what’s up with the salt check out episode 1.
The cities of the plains (Sodom & Gommorah) have been found.
I have a chunk of brimstone from Gomorrah on a bookshelf sitting 1-2 feet away from me.
Lot’s wife didn’t just turn and look at the brimstone falling. She went back to the city and became a pile of salt much like the victims of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Didn’t Ben-Ammi invent a window cleaning compound?
“Naturally, the angels are grateful and tell Lot to get his ass out of Sodom – but he decided to take his wife and two daughters with him instead of his donkey.”
Now that’s just funny I don’t care who ya are.
next, can frank go over another fairy tale like goldylocks or something…
To a certain point, I am fine with jokes about God and religion, but sometimes I think it crosses the line into sacrilege… This, however, was mostly funny.
Let me check my Bible for that “No I didn’t” bit. Hm… Mine says it was an “angel” of the Lord rather than He himself. Not much of a difference, I guess, but…
FrankJ, you’re going to hell.
Man, I busted out laughing several times during the column and then again for the comments.
Oh, I live for the day Person who tells people they’re going to Hell that I am going to hell. (Hint, I purposely didn’t cap your whole name to give you a reason.)
Danjo
Not sacrilege so much, more like a recent heresay.
heresy even. sheesh.
I know what sodomy is, but I’m not too sure how to Gomorrah