Everyone’s trying to tell Frank & Sarah how they should get married. Which is a complete waste of time, because – as the groom – Frank’s job is to stand where he’s told, and SarahK is all strong-headed, so she’s just gonna do whatever she wants, anyway. Sure, she’ll make little noises about “Frank, do you like this china pattern?”, but if Frank’s smart, he’ll just nod & say “Yes, Dear” (handy phrase, that – it’ll save your marriage) instead of giving into temptation and quipping, “Too much blue. It won’t stand out against the sky when I’m really drunk one day and using it for skeet.”
So I’m going to give wedding advice (in the extended entry) to everyone else contemplating marriage, instead. And you damn well better follow it, because I’m a married man & I’ve got street cred, yo.
For the wedding site, try to find a church near the strip club where the bachelor party will be held so that when the groom wakes up in the parking lot the next morning, he can just stagger on over & not have to worry about being late.
Try to find a classy joint to hold the reception in. A good rule of thumb is shoot for an average of less than three dead flies per windowsill.
Remember this, Mr. Groom: you just spent 3 years salary on her engagement ring and wedding band. Make sure she’s completely finished using those before buying her any more jewelry.
Pay the money for a good professional photographer, and skip the video tape. Why? Because if you get the video tape, eventually you’ll put it in the wrong box and you’ll end up showing Aunt Martha the “special honeymoon video” by mistake, and her heart attack will be forever on your conscience.
Again. Married man. Street cred, yo.
Uncle Joe never has forgiven me for that little incident.
However, he DOES borrow the video now & again.
The purpose of bridesmaid’s dresses is to be ugly enough to ensure that the bride is the prettiest woman at the ceremony. If you’re marrying anyone else besides SarahK, make the dresses out of old tablecloths, just to be sure.
The groom should NOT see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony, because that’s bad luck, as is getting caught boinking the Maid of Honor in the broom closet.
Save money on catering expenses by holding your reception at a homeless shelter. YAY! Free soup!
And fewer fleas than at Frank J’s place.
Don’t waste money on a band or DJ. All you need in order to dance is a beat. A dripping faucet works just fine.
At the reception, the guests will start tapping rapidly on their glassware to get the happy couple to kiss each other. Do NOT try to dance to this.
Some people suggest throwing bread crumbs at the newly married couple instead of rice, because when birds eat rice, they experience intestinal distress. Of course, that’s NOTHING compared to what happens when you feed them Alka-Seltzer, which is cheaper and MUCH more amusing, so use that instead.
Don’t waste the money mailing out wedding invitations to everyone when Gmail invites are plentiful and free.
The bride should pay special attention to her hairstyle and make-up on her wedding day. Yes, it’s a HUGE bother, but there’s plenty of time to be ugly AFTER he says “I do”.
Before the wedding, the bride-to-be’s girlfriends will come to her home for a bridal shower, give her presents, and gossip all night. The groom-to-be should spend that evening in a bar, drinking heavily and bitterly regretting ever asking that woman to marry him, i.e. practice being married.
If you take all of my advice, I guarantee you won’t ever be getting married again.
Of course, if you’d rather stay married the first time, take ArmyWifeToddlerMom’s advice instead:
“…just give each other a soft place to fall.“
FIRST!
Now that that’s over.
HAPPY HAPPY WEDDING TO YOU!!!
PS – Hope your flea problem gets resolved before the honeymoon. Frontline does work quite well (2 dogs and a cat, never a flea in the house!)
Congrats! Bless you both.
but if Frank’s smart, he’ll just nod & say “Yes, Dear” (handy phrase, that – it’ll save your marriage)
This is very important to remember. This answer will save you lots of anguish. Whenever there is a disagreement, you have two options. First, you can state your position, listen to hers, perhaps parry and thrust back and forth at ever-increasing volume levels. Ultimately, you will end up doing what she wants anyway. Second, you can immediately say “yes dear” and save yourself much anguish.
Oh sure. Women will say that they want to discuss things and really care about your input, but it’s a trick. Take for instance, buying curtains. Recently, my wife decided we needed new curtains in the living room. I happened to be with her when she picked them out. When she would ask my opinion, I used my years of experience to gauge what my answer should be and gave that answer.
For example, she might say, “What do you think of these?” Clearly, that means that she is unsure of them herself. I could easily say, “The first ones are better.” She can’t argue with that since she had her doubts to begin with. When she said, “I think these will go much better. What do you think?” I quickly agreed since I really didn’t care and that answer reinforced her own opinion. I mean we are talking about stinkin’ curtains, not something important like firearms.
You’re welcome.
Been married 15 years. Remember these three lines to have a happy marriage.
1) Yes Dear
2) I’m sorry Dear.
3) It won’t happen again Dear.
Remember, life is full of choices, but after marriage, you only have two: You can be right, or you can be happy. You can never be both.
Good luck Frank (and Sarah)
“Too much blue. It won’t stand out against the sky when I’m really drunk one day and using it for skeet.”
ROTFLMAS! Way to go Harvey!
LOL!
Fantastic 🙂
LOL.
You’re a fountain of wisdom, Harv.
Tatoo this on your forehead (or someplace else where you will constantly see it).
Happy Wife, Happy Life.
no strip clubs.
Two quotations to help you along:
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
and
“I think the bottom-line difference between being single and married is this: When you’re single you’re as happy as you are. When you’re married, you can only be as happy as the least happy person in the apartment.”
plus this little pearl:
“When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.”
and finally, on the man/woman relationship:
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.
The Bestest and Shortest Fary Tale ever-
Once upon a time a guy asked a girl “will you marry me?”
She said “No”
And the guy lived happily ever after
Funny Harv! Besides rule #1 (the “Yes, Dear) advice I’d like to go offtrack just a bit and give some advice that was given to me before my marriage by my 1st SGT at the time while in the Army.
“Don’t buy a house that will leave you with a lot of enpty space. Women will buy stuff to fill space.”
I didn’t think much of it at the time but I’ve found it’s all too true! Women WILL buy “stuff” to fill space whether you like it or not. When this occurs, it’s best to take Steve L.’s advice when in those instances where you are unknowingly helping to pick out that “stuff.”
empty space even. Sorry ’bout the typo.
Frank – you and Sarah should post a link to any Registries (once you’ve gotten to that point). I’m sure there’s a lot of folks who’s like to get a little something for you two crazy kids. Well, at least there’s me and my wife.
Also, congrats from a couple of fellow CMU grads!
LMAO at Harvey!
Been thru a few of those suggestions for 1st & 2nd marriages. I’ll keep that list so I can use up the rest on the 3rd (yeah right, I’d have to be senile first before I’d do it again).
Congrats, kids! And Frank, tape the “yes, dear” and so forth on a cassette, then when you’re reading the paper or in the can you can just hit “play” when Sarah says something. You won’t even have to interrupt your train of thought… it’s a win-win.
All this “yes dear” crap. Hello? Sack?
Here is the thing. You already have the right start. Since you will be taking an oath before God and you are deciding to start by doing things God’s way. You have a jump on many in this situation. The foundation your are building has to do with trust more than anything.
I found that the first couple of years seem to be a powerstruggle. Weird. We still struggle for power and this is year 5 but we love and trust each other.
Try to be nice. Sounds easy but just wait. That has to do with trust too. When you are laid wide open with noone but your mate and God. Trust is important on so many levels.
I dont know you both. sorry that wasnt funny
that was me above….
Oh and always tell the truth. Even when it hurts
“always tell the truth. Even when it hurts”
And if you tell her that she looks fat in that dress, it WILL hurt 🙂
If it ever should turn out that you have an argument and it occurs to you that (theoretically) you might be wrong, apologize. If you happen to be right, apologize immediately.
I don’t know if you guys will even read this, as late as it is, but here’s a list of advice from (sometimes painful) personal experience. This is the advice that if you aren’t thinking I mean it, append ‘no, seriously, I can tell you a story’ to the end of it. Okay?
The “No, Seriously” list:
1. Buttbows are evil.
2. Traditional wedding vows are okay. Self-written ones should be sent to an editor first.
3. Frank and Sarah, you can blog, but you aren’t professional singers. Don’t sing at your wedding. Please.
4. Sarah, tell your maid of honor that, at a minimum, she must bring a pack of bobby pins, a pack of small safety pins, a spare hygiene product, a pair of new hose (assuming that your bridal party will be wearing such), and a roll of double-sided tape.
5. Schedule some time prior to the ceremony, on the day of the ceremony, for individual pictures.
6. Those probably won’t happen. Forgive yourself in advance, but realize it will probably make the ceremony happen on time.
7. Sarah and Frank are from two differnet states. Somebody’s friends/family aren’t going to know how to get around wherever it is that you’re holding your wedding (I’m guessing FL, but who knows). Include an insert with maps showing the church/ wedding site, the reception site, a chain hotel, and a contact phone number.
8. That contact phone number? NOT YOURS. Someone good with giving directions, figuring out where lost people are, knowing what’s near several hotels, knows where you are registered (if you are), and can give gift advice.
9. Plan the bachelor and bachelorette party at least two nights before the wedding.
10. If a friend is doing your hair, make at least one practice run, complete with any hair adornments.
11. Same with makeup. And make sure you’ve got good lighting and know how your dress is going to look with anything you do.
12. Figure out if you can apply makeup first and then put your dress on, of if you’re going to need an apron set-up.
13. Unless your mother is a professional, Sarah, here’s your warning: don’t even think about having her do your hair or makeup.
14. If you have a choice between getting a salon appointment and a manicure on the day of the wedding: go to the salon, and make Frank get a manicure, finish your nails the day before. No nail polish necessary, Frank, but it’s going to be the only day that someone’s going to be taking pictures of your hands, so you need to have your nails clean.
15. If you are going to get registered, register for gifts in a variety of price ranges. Register for at least one place that will allow purchases on line. Comparison shop before you register, and you won’t end up with three George Foreman grills, no sheets, and the fun of standing-in-line for returns.
16. Don’t register while intoxicated. Please.
17. While shopping for dresses, Sarah, think of this: in the past dozen weddings I’ve been involved with the ‘make it into a bustle’ has only looked good once (but the groom stepped on it and ripped off the attachment during the reception), and worked at all only three times. If you can’t figure it out right after they show you (make them undo it and try it yourself), no one else will be able to later.
18. If you plan to wear heels for the ceremony but something more comfortable under the dress for the reception, make sure your foot will be the same height off the floor or you’ll be tripping over your dress.
19. If you decide to shuck the dress for a reception outfit, get your formal pictures taken first. And you’ll be much more comfortable, both eating and dancing.
20. Eating. The maid of honor also has to make sure you get something in you calorie-wise during the day. Not heavy, but something.
21. Parasols for wedding props are not meant to be opened. They are meant as fencing props. Just don’t. Please.
22. Guests will bring gifts into the church/ wedding site: in 11 out of 12 months in Florida, gifts will melt in a locked car. Plan some space accordingly.
23. Whoever is manning the sign-in and gift area will need some of that double-sided tape for attaching loose cards to their gifts. Have a decorated something for envelopes that aren’t attached to a gift so you don’t get confused later.
24. Have someone to man the sign-in book, or at least half your attendees will not notice it.
25. When surveying a prospective chuch/ wedding site, keep an eye out for ones that have a small room for those with children who make noise (and bloggers who type too loud).
26. Don’t have a wedding rehersal when several of the main actors cannot attend.
27. If you have planned to include children in the ceremony, and they cannot make it through a rehersal, they will not make it through the real thing. Re-write right then. Please. Trust me on this one.
28. If you have planned to include children in the ceremony, and they can make it through the rehersal, but tend to plunk down on their rear, take them up on it… unless you like your flower girls to look like mini-80s-style-Cyndi-Laupers. Seat the parents of the flower girl, ring bearer, bell ringer, what have you in the front, have the child/ children do their duties (ring bearers can just give the pillow to the best man) and then sit down with their parents.
29. If you have planned to include children in the ceremony, and they can make it through the rehersal and can stand and look the right direction for the entire length of the ceremony…. I want to know which drugs they’re on, what they’ve been bribed with, or what kind of animatronics they’re passing off as kids these days.
29. Dresses from a bridal store are not necessarily any better than what you’ll find in a department store, and everybody can at least guess what their size will be in a department store.
30. Have all your bridesmaids try on a prospective dress, particularly if you have a variety of body shapes. (I still twitch when I see one particular shade of purple, for reasons too horrible to describe here.)
31. Butt-bows? Still evil.
32. The rehersal dinner, if planned for the night before, should not include anything greasy.
33. Brand-new shoes will blister your feet and won’t give you a lot of traction on any surface. Wear gently ahead of time.
34. Many people will want to give you decoration advice. Listen politely, thank them, and tell them you already have a team for that picked out. You do: you’re the chair, congratulations. Shamelessly steal anything that sounds good.
35. Think about how you want to lay out the decorations and a floorplan for your reception site more than twenty-four hours before the ceremony. Please.
36. Make sure everyone knows who is going to bring the dress, the licence, the tuxes (and return the rentals), the decorations, the flowers and the food; and who is going to pay whom what and when.
37. If you serve alcohol, and the bartender is supplying the drinks you are planning to pay for, line up the bottles in matrix format to count the empties. The more the bartender pouts when you insist, the more (s)he was planning to double-count.
38. If you have a dance floor, learn to dance at least one waltz. If the dress has a train, learn a modified one that has the guy going backwards so you aren’t tripping on the train.
39. If you have a dance floor, spend time on it. People will want to talk to you, and therefore will get up and spend time either on or near the dance floor. The more this happens, the more people might actually start to enjoy themselves a bit.
40. If you aren’t hurting terribly for money, cut out most or all the cash-games the DJ has in his repetoire.
41. Insist on everyone who is giving a speech having written it down before hand. It means that at least they aren’t trying to come up with something on the fly.
42. If the place that you really like the cakes from doesn’t do wedding cakes, just buy the cakes, decorate them nicely and have one small white one that you can put toppers on. People have less of a phobia about cutting normal cakes, anyway. And figure out who is going to cut the cake… and make sure they have a towel to wipe the excess frosting off onto.
43. That whole put that cake in the freezer and eat it after a year? Only if it’s fruitcake with alcohol as a stablizer. Otherwise, you’re a fruitcake for trying it; that’s a version of hazing as far as I’m concerned.
44. Know who is taking your gifts from the reception site to wherever you plan on opening them. Make sure they have trunk space not taken up by decorations.
45. If you’re going on a long-distance honeymoon, schedule your flight for a subsequent day. And give yourself some time to sleep in the next morning.
46. Thank-you notes are a reassurance to your guests that their card and gift did not get separated, and that someone else didn’t take off with your stuff. An essay is not required.
47. Schedule your dress pick-up day at least a week before the wedding. That way you have time to fix any goofs (before the pin and tape time hits).
48. Figure out any accessory clasps, ties or boutonniere pins prior to the big day.
49. Do not make your bridesmaides juggle. Anything requiring candles, matches, bells, or additional flowers also requires someplace to put the accoutrements.
50. Give the photo/videographer ground rules before the ceremony for what shots they should take and where they can stand. Or be prepared to be preceded down the aisle by two guys walking backwards.
51. If you want shots of yourself prior to the wedding day all made up (for announcements, the invitation, etc.), go for it and make it the hair-and-makeup and get ready practice run. Do not plan on it taking less time on the big day.
52. Know who will drive you if you get a flat tire.
53. Cell phones? Your best friend leading up to the ceremony; keep ’em on vibrate and leave ’em somewhere else in case somebody calls during the event.
54. Unless you have someone looking out for your personal time, you will not get to eat anything at a nibble-food style buffet. And get a taste-test of what you’re paying for first.
55. Gloves are a good idea unless you want to have someone, you know, put a ring on your finger.
56. Read the contracts. All of them. Closely. Do not trust a verbal agreement. The management will change or you will find something wasn’t really understood. Put it in writing.
57. Get to know the minister who will marry you before the wedding. If he seems wont to go off on tangents on who will burn in hell, fake an arguement between the two of you, leave, and find someone else. Please.
58. That whole intro love song that ends up to be a ‘Jesus loves me and I love him’ song? Creeps me (and others) out. Choose either a straight out love song or a gospel song, not one that tries to be both.
59. Plan your centerpieces in advance. Things that are above a foot in height are barriers between tablemates. Think two or three times about your guest list if you are considering candles and/or open flames.
60. Concrete gets slick with soap scum; marble and slick tiles go with bubbles like a slip-n-slide. Rice won’t make the birds explode, and birdseed is both biodegradeable and cheap.