Dennis L. Rader, the infamous BTK serial killer, was recently captured in Kansas, where he will soon be tried, convicted, sentenced, drawn, quartered, shot, stabbed, hung, gassed, electrocuted, and/or forced to listen to the Llama Song on endless loop.
An expert interviewed by New York Newsday said that she wasn’t surprised to find out that Rader was the killer, because he was a married father of two, devout official in his Lutheran congregation, one-time Cub Scout leader, and by-the-book code enforcement officer, and no one would ever have suspected him.
Therefore, he fit the profile and was obviously guilty.
Yeah… I’m confused, too.
Now, I’m sure that many IMAO readers know some upstanding community leaders, and are now asking themselves “Is my neighbor a serial killer? Should I call the police? Should I kill him first and hide his body in a shallow grave?”
The answer is, of course, “yes” to all of the above. So get kill’n.
For those of you who didn’t just get up from your computers to self-defensively murder your neighbors, I present (in the extended entry) this
(click to enlarge on any picture, and exercise caution if you choose to click a link)
JEFFREY DAHMER
PROFILE: Kept to himself except when cruising gay bars for nubile Laotian boys.
CONCLUSION: Social deviant – Not a serial killer.
ED GEIN:
PROFILE: Lived in an isolated Wisconsin farmhouse that was decorated with furniture made from human skin.
CONCLUSION: Harmless eccentric – Not a serial killer.
JOHN WAYNE GACY:
PROFILE: Enjoyed dressing up in a clown costume.
CONCLUSION: Worse than a serial killer.
TED “UNABOMBER” KACZYNSKI:
PROFILE: Angry loner who mailed bombs.
CONCLUSION: Who DOESN’T hate the Post Office? I mean, I’ve tried to kill my mailman DOZENS of times – Not a serial killer.
FRANK J.
PROFILE: Dimple-cheeked, boy-faced man with a quaint and endearing sense of humor.
CONCLUSION: Obviously a serial killer. SHOOT HIM NOW! SHOOT HIM NOW!
SARAHK:
PROFILE: Charming lass with an angelic smile and a heart of gold. Loves fuzzy kittens and guns.
CONCLUSION: Athough her firearms fetish makes her suspicious – and therefore above suspicion – her initials, “SK” prove her “Serial Killerness” beyond all doubt. Definitely a serial killer.
MINERVA:
PROFILE: Adorable, fluffy kitty. Some urine stains on head.
CONCLUSION: Was recently photographed serially killing people while wearing a clever disguise:
Not a serial killer.
GLENN REYNOLDS:
PROFILE: Arrogant braggart who constantly boasts of murdering hobos.
CONCLUSION: Not a serial killer. Those who can, do. Those who can’t, blog.
MICHAEL JACKSON:
PROFILE: Freakish-looking, plastic-faced former black man and current white woman who molests young boys.
CONCLUSION: Should be serially killed.
I hope you found this guide helpful. If you have any questions about people in your life who may be serial killers, please leave them in the comments, or deliver them in person to my isolated Wisconsin farmhouse.
And those were spaghetti sauce stains on Hannibal Lechters “Kiss The Chef” apron.
If you find a juvenile serial killer, should you keep him under a citizen’s house arrest until he turns 18? Is it a good idea to then turn him over to the authorities in a state that has the death penalty?
Yes, they caught the bastard. I live in Kansas and was kind of worried he’d start back up. Now that I know he’s a feeble old man, if he tries to go after anyone, he won’t be too hard to take down.
My neighbors (meaning each one on each side of my house) are both single, elderly women. One is retired and mostly deaf, the other places foreign exchange students in my area. Could either of them be serial killers? A guy who abused one of the exchange students had been evading law enforcement; is he a threat? I should find out how that all turned out…
I mean, if you don’t have to drive too far?
anyone else think Michael Jackson looks a lot like an albino hairless monkey?
I kinda thought he was starting to look like Nancy Pelosi. Come to think of it, I’ve never seen them in the same room together.
When a man is executed, he is not “hung.” In fact, according to proper grammar, he is “hanged.”
Don’t make me hang you.
right, brian. ‘Hung’ implies something completely different.
Does Aquaman fit the mold of a serial killer?
She Bang! She Bang!
I don’t know how I feel about that fact that both Dahmer and Gein are natives of my home state, WI.
by the way: NEVER EVER EVER watch the movie Ed Gein! Terrible terrible movie. As if by being repetitive I make my point even more clear.
Monica – what are you trying to say? 🙂
This is nice and all, but you got scooped [and out funnied] by Hubris almost a week ago:
Read it and weep.
I figured with a crack team of 4 [or 12 or however many you are up to now, Frank J. et al, that the speed of service would inprove with respect to current events.
sigh
Ahem. Typo free re-post:
This is nice and all, but you got scooped [and out funnied] by Hubris almost a week ago:
Read it and weep.
I figured with a crack team of 4 [or 12 or however many you are up to now, Frank J. et al] that the speed of service would improve with respect to current events.
sigh
Harvey,
Is Dan Rather a serial killer?
One time when I was up late at night and really hungry I killed a box of cereal. Towards the end it was really gruesome cuz I ran out of milk and resorted to using flat Budweiser.
Lessee ..
I am a divorce father of two..
Not very religious..
Was a cub scout, not a leader. (I thought Cubs had den Mothers btw)
guess I’m not a serial killer.
Thanks for the funny, I guess I need to get back to the dismemberin!
Littl Stevie – Dan Rather? Well, based on his blatant, chronic detachment from reality combined with the complete lack of esteem in which he’s held by those who know him, I’m gonna go with “pants-wetting escaped mental patient” instead of “serial killer”.
Jason – my apologies for my sucky unfunniness. Please come to my isolated Wisconsin farmhouse so I can apologize in person 😛
Who is the Rumsfeld Strangler then?
Scott McCleland?
Ken Jennings?
The Pope?
Bob:
D) All of the above
They take turns.
I blame it all on Martin Luther. If he hadn’t defaced that Catholic Church door this guy never would have killed anyone (or is that just how the media is making it seem?).
Twalsh – The media? Should be serially killed, right after Michael Jackson.