Hello Readers,
RightWingDuck here. I’d like to congratulate the lovely young couple on their new marriage – congratulations Britney and Kevin.
Oh, and Frank and Sarah are getting married too.
Sure some people compare marriage to prison time- except that good behavior just keeps you in even longer. Remember, Frank, if it becomes unbearable, just start drinking heavily while quoting Al Franken.
However, the young couple, if you think about it – was brought together by the good graces of all that is good- yep – IMAO readers.
It seems like just yesterday I was struggling to choose – Bikermommy or SarahK. Had Bikermommy won, I guess that would… never mind.
Okay. So, if we – the empowered and often illogical IMAO readers chose the woman who would one day become Sarah J, then isn’t it only fair that we be allowed to help plan the wedding?
Scott had some great suggestions, in the previous post.
However, a good wedding isn’t a good wedding unless it has beautiful arrangements, a best man, a maid of honor, and an official armorer.
So, let’s outline the important details and how RWD would plan this wonderful day. And then you guys can chime in on the comment section.
Invitations.
Ceremony.
Reception.
Honeymoon.
Invitations
They met on the internet, why not invite people through your blogs. To help with expenses, have a two t-shirt minimum in order to get an invite.
(IDEA – J&K – the T-shirt)
Ceremony.
Of course, all of the guests would be seated on the right side of the chapel. I’m sure you have some left leaning friends. The ushers could screen them out based on the Birkenstock to Smell Ratio.
Also, you would have to check your weapon in at the door. If you did not have a weapon, one could be provided to you for a nominal fee.
The Ceremony would be performed by a preacher that should help Frank look tall, dark or rugged.
Recommendations: Michael Jackson, Clay Aiken, or an Oompa Loompa.
Vows: This is the simple part. Every right wing wedding should not only have the couple reciting their vows, but also their favorite constitutional amendment. (What’s the one where you can drink again?)
Leaving the Chapel:
Sure you could throw rice. But that is sooo cliche.
Recommendation: 21 gun salute. This has great potential. Of course, we’d have to give any liberal guest a running start. But otherwise, no downsides that I can see to this.
None whatsover.
Reception
Hall. We’d have to find someplace that doesn’t get a lot of traffic. Like the lobby of Air America Or Ted Kennedy’s AA Meeting Room.
Whatever we choose, it should have lots of space and free parking.
Buffet or Sit Down?
I recommend you do both. After your third trip to the buffet table, you usually don’t have the energy to get up anymore. That’s why table service is so vital!
Menu.
I suggest you have some good ol’ fashioned American Cuisine – like Tacos, Tamales, and Nachos.
Wedding Cake.
Not so tricky. In some states, it’s hard to find Heterosexual Cake Toppers (Boston, I’m looking at you). After some searching, it shouldn’t be too difficult to find a pair of heterosexual, white cake topping bride and groom. Hmm. Better use mail order from Kansas.
DJ or Live Music.
I don’t know abut this one. Either way, you just know that SarahK is going to find a way to work in a karaoke number. There might be a disagreement as to just how many songs she can perform. i think with a DJ there would be fewer injuries.
Honeymoon.
Choosing an exotic destination is always so tricky. Orlando’s DisneyWorld or Orlando’s Universal Studios? So many choices. So much time.
Well.
It’s time to throw in your recommendations. We’ll narrow down the finalists over the course of time.
How could you omit the customary Outlaw Biker Escort?
Yes, I’d be glad to.
Leaving the Chapel:
Arch of Swords – I saw one once (military wedding). It’s a must!
Go to Vegas. Plenty of free parking.
Take all the money you would have otherwise spent and play $100 bills on number 21 on roulette until it hits several times.
Scream Yaaaahhhhoooooooooooooooooooooooo
Head off to the honeymoon. Which will be right across the street btw.
Did I miss anything? Oh, yea Reception! After the weeding announce that the reception is being held along the entire length of the New Strip and the Old Strip and it will continue as long as the guests wish to stay and that Drinks are Free. (Long as they are pumping a slot machine or playing blackjack or something)
Honeymoon? Well, the Palestinians are suggesting that the settlements being abandoned could turn into a tourist destination. So, why not a Honeymoon from Hell in Gaza?
I like the invitation idea of a two t-shirt minimum. That’s a good one!
at the ceremony be sure to keep the kiss simple. no tongue. i think there’s probably gotta be some sort of rules for what kind of kisses are allowed in a church. plus, you’re parents will be there watching, so that’s just wierd. i think at my wedding, right before the kiss, i’m gonna say “now everyone turn around for a second, you pervs!”
i guess that’s probably more for the advice than the wedding planning, my bad. but it’s still good advice, in my opinion
Ah! Is April 1 already?
I think you should invite Andrew Sullivan. He hates that.
Seriously, get a DJ, but if you can find one named DJ Phantom who spins vinyl that’s a lot better than an old hippy DJ with cds.
At my wedding we hired a pair of lesbian DJ’s. They were “partners”. They kinda sucked.
well…that’s all I have to say.
Frank J and SarahK are getting married? OMG.
Sweetness to the power of 42. Totally like a modern fairy tale. Awwwww.
First: Congratulations Frank and Sarah.
Second: Frank, is it going to be a Catholic wedding? (I know your catholic, but priests don’t like guns). Sarah likes guns, but dose she like priests? If she has to kill someone with her bare hand she might get blood on her dress, run away reeealy fast if that happens.
Third: Honeymoon, Orlando has a good bed and breakfast called Peri House, they also have a cat named Peri, he’s cool.
Forth: A 21 fun salute? There will be more than 21 guns there (unless you invite less than 19 people) if that many guns are fire aren’t you supposed to ululate?
Fifth: There needs to be more than a fifth, get the liter jugs of booze.
Sixth: Catering, go for sushi, watching redneck trying to eat sushi is lots of fun.
Congratulations to the bride & groom!:)
Speaking as one who’s descended from a long line of Japanese, I see no problem in challenging a redneck to eat sushi, as long as you ply him with enough liquor beforehand.
ONLY FRANK J. !!
that’s all we need. we DO NOT NEED RIGHT WING DUCK!!
He does not have talent. ONLY FRANK J HAS TALENT!!
whatever. I’m drunk.
21 gun salute leaving the chapel: good! All guests at the reception shooting guns in the air: better! Just like our new bestest friends in Afganistan and Iraq.
Frank M.
Invitations
Maybe its just me but wouldn’t a “invitation to the wedding” contest be in order?