If you ever want entertainment, find some Democrats trying to figure out what they need to do to regain the public’s respect and win elections. It’s like a bunch of schizophrenics trying to diagnose themselves:

DEM1: Our problem are the giant beetles running around everywhere screaming nursery rhymes!
DEM2: No, that’s just a distraction from the fact that Jesus has appeared to us as a chipmunk and wants us to bring him crackers.
DEM3: We have to stop talking about that because that just gets us in trouble. Let’s stick to the core issue of how everyone’s face is melting.

 For example, here’s Kevin Drum trying to relate all the hot-button social issues. Though he can’t fit guns and school prayer into the meme, he says that sex education, abortion, sex/porn on TV, contraception, gay rights, and welfare (?) all are sex/gender issues and thus Democrats need to focus more on “gender equality” (whatever that buzzword is supposed to mean).

 Now, if he only listed the issues as:
* Guns
* School prayer
* Sex education
* Abortion
* Porn on TV
* Use of contraception
* Gays’ rights
* Welfare reforms
He could have fit them all together in that they all have an even number of letters and ranted about how that relates to some Rovian, Xian scheme. Then his post would have been a full-out parody instead of just on the edge of one.

 And Kevin Drum is the sane one of the major liberal bloggers. Atrios and Kos think the main problem with the Democrats is that Howard Dean didn’t scream loud enough in Iowa.

 Incidentally, Drum stumbles onto the real problem of the Democrats when he notes here how whomever has the lead on what is polled as the most major issue almost always wins the presidential election. Last year, the salient issue was terrorism which Bush had a 17 percentage point lead on. Drum’s remedy is to find the top issue and focus on that. What he skips over is that there is no way the Democrats can win if the main issue is terrorism or any other major national issue. The Democrats are a bunch of namby-pambies; they’re good for whining about “fairness,” but that just doesn’t work in a world with savage killers whom we want great unfairness inflicted upon. People are about as likely to trust Democrats to handle the evils of the world as I am to trust my kitten Sydney to guard my house.

 It’s time for Democrats to face up to reality. They can’t face up to reality because Occam’s Razor cuts too deeply – that being the fact they just plain suck. They had a great run, though – hell, they were the majority party for almost all of the last century – but there time has come and gone. The best thing for them to do is disband. They can form a little clubhouse, remember the good ‘ole days, and stop running for office and just making fools of themselves.

 Maybe in fifteen years or so they could do a reunion tour. I bet I’d laugh and applaud to see Ted Kennedy come out on stage and shout, “That tax cut is only for the rich!” after having not heard that phrase for over a decade. We’d all look to each other and remember back in the day when they would say that and meant it seriously.

 My future children would probably look to the Democrats prancing on stage and ask, “Who are those people, daddy?”

 “Those are the Democrats,” I’d answer, “They used to be elected to government.”

 My kids would laugh, thinking their dad was teasing them again. And I’d leave them to their innocence.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “Remember the Whigs?” and “The Democrat Buzzword to English Handbook”.