Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck here to share the news.
Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to take junk food out of the schools.
That’s not very fair. Schools are dangerous places. Aren’t students allowed to choose their final meal?
He answered the question when they asked him about school obesity.
Obese kids, or as the bullies call them– soft targets.
I like the fat ones, it means they’ve survived public school. Each layer of fat is like the rings on a tree!
The funny part is they asked him about running for president. He should answer honestly. “Well, I’d like to focus on running California into the ground – then I’ll move on to running the country.”
Is the problem of bullies getting out of hand? There is now a school for kids that are picked on. Some people feel that this is a waste of tax money. I disagree. Schools like this would never be short of funds.
Vice Principal: The school is running low on funds.
Principal: I’ll fix this. (Steps out into hallway) Gimme your lunch money!
BTW, what if you’re the kid who gets picked on at this new school?
An Italian journalist, who writes for a communist paper, is claiming that our troops targeted her. She says that a tank fired on her as she was being rescued.
It’s not our fault. We have the best trained troops in the world. We see a communist — our instinct is to shoot!
The journalist says that we fired on her because the United States opposes negotiations with terrorist groups. So now she’s free.
The bad news is that the terrorists now have more money for buying weapons and making bombs.
The good news is that Italy now has a free communist.
This is fair -Totally fair.
All we need now is to prosecute the American soldiers who did the firing!!
And tell them that their families have cancer.
Here’s a great newsbit that talks about Mexico nabbing illegals on their way to USA.
The police stopped a truck carrying 168 people. Many of them were dehydrated.
I’m waiting for the quote of Mexican citizens saying, “These people are crossing illegally and driving up our health care costs.”
You know the greatest tragedy. Do you know what is truly sad?
Mexico is doing more to protect our borders than we are!!!
A woman in central Florida claims that she just can’t stop scamming senior citizens. She says that she’s addicted to it.
The bad news is she might be doing some jail time.
Good news. The Democrats have a new frontrunner.
How do you act when you’re trying to curb senior scamming addictions.
“Excuse me young lady, what time is it. My watch is slow.”
“(Try not to scam him. Try not to scam him) It’s 3:30. Would you like to buy a new watch. D’oh. I mean, why don’t you take me to dinner. D’oh. I mean, WHACK gimme your lunch money.”
Star Jones and PETA are at odds. Turns out that PETA has hired this big fat cross dresser to dress as Star.
Star might sue because she says people may not be able to tell the difference between the two.
I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!!
Personally, if people had a hard time telling the difference between me and say, Cher — I’d do something to change my image!
Scientitsts have studied the great wall of China and have figured out that many of the bricks are held together by rice.
Wow. Rice? You have got to be kidding me. Man, is there anything Condi can’t do?
In an announcement today, Hillary Clinton said she had a fence held together by yogurt. With Bill around, we hope it’s yogurt. Please God let it be yogurt.
Martha Stewart is out of jail and serving out her home detention part of her sentence.
She will be launching a new magazine — Martha Stewart Living at Home.
People are really making a big deal out of this. So she’s free. So what? She’s living on 100 plus acres of land or something right?
There’s plenty of space to walk around, jog, or chase after your gardener in a pickup truck.
There is an attempt in Illinois to ban civilian ownership of 50 caliber rifles.
What’s wrong with these people? I work hard. I have a job, a family, and a house with a two Bradley garage. Why can’t I have my fifty?
Who knows when some Italian Communist reporter might run across my back yard!
I believe in the old expressions: Peace with your next door neighbor – through superior firepower.
The United Nations has a new commercial talking about the danger of landmines. It shows American kids playing soccer and stepping on landmines.
Networks have refused to air it here in the US, no because of the graphic violence – it’s because no matter what they do – they just can’t get Americans to watch soccer.
Blogging can get you fired!
Thankfully, I can express myself without reservation here at IMAO. Frank is mostly a great boss except for his annoying habit of–
/Server interrupt/
being too wonderful. All Hail the Mighty and benevolent ruler, Frank J. All hail IMAO!
/server interrupt/
Hey, Frank tried to take over my post. I will go out and announce this to the world.
Ducky steps up to the podium.
RWD: I would like to make an announcement!!
Reporter. Is it about your farewell tour?
RWD: What?
Reporter #2: Please don’t retire. We love you, Cher!!
RWD: I need to do something about this. Who can I sue?
**
Thanks. That’s all for today.
I can’t hear you laugh. As always, post your favorite funny in comments.
FIRST FINALLY!!!
With with your next door neighbor – through superior firepower.
Ha! I love repeated prepositions!
Damn straight!!
“There’s plenty of space to walk around, jog, or chase after your gardener in a pickup truck.”
“Who knows when some Italian Communist reporter might run across my back yard!”
Those two were my favorite.You make mucho good funny,Cher!! (Oops,I meant RWD,sorry ’bout that) 😉
“The police stopped a truck carrying 168 people…”
Was this like a traveling circus clown car or something? That’s got to be a Freikin huge truck.
Obviously, our troops need more training if they weren’t able to kill that Italian commie.
Thanks Monkey, no matter how many times I read a post, it’s hard to catch some of the simple mistakes.
Corrected.
Peace with your neighbors – through superior firepower.
Today: March 07, 2005 at 12:31:36 PST
Mauled Man Tried to ‘Reason’ With Chimps
ASSOCIATED PRESS
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) – A man who was severely mauled by two chimpanzees at an animal sanctuary last week was quickly overwhelmed when the apes attacked, his wife said Monday.
“One was at his head, one was at his foot. But all that time … he was trying to reason with them,” a sobbing LaDonna Davis told ABC’s “Good Morning America.” “I couldn’t do anything.”
Davis, 64, and her husband, St. James Davis, were visiting Animal Haven Ranch near Bakersfield on Thursday when two male chimps escaped their enclosure and attacked the couple.
“When we made eye contact, the charge was on,” LaDonna Davis said. “There was no stopping anything, and the big chimp came around from behind me and pushed me into my husband. The male came around from behind and chomped off my thumb. … My husband must have realized we were in deep trouble because he pushed me backward. At that time, they both went for him.”
St. James Davis, 62, lost all the fingers from both hands, an eye, part of his nose, cheek, lips and part of his buttocks in the ferocious attack, his wife said over the weekend on NBC’s “Today Show.” She also said one of his feet was mutilated. A Kern County Sheriff’s commander also said his genitals were mauled.
St. James Davis was being treated at Loma Linda University Medical Center, where doctors said his condition was “minute by minute,” his wife said Monday.
“Right now what they are trying to do is keep his breathing constant,” she said. “That’s all they can tell me, but I told him that he can’t leave me. He has to be strong.”
The Davises were visiting the sanctuary to celebrate the birthday of Moe – a 39-year-old chimpanzee who was taken from their home in West Covina, a Los Angeles suburb, after biting off part of a woman’s finger in 1999.
Authorities were continuing to investigate how the two chimps, named Ollie and Buddy, got loose. Both were shot and killed during the attack.
I used to like yogurt, now not so much.
You know, Phin. They can make fences out of yogurt. Really.
Good one. But you’ve got a typo: “…no[t] because…’
My favorite from this batch. Keep it up!
I’m sorry, but I’m having visions of a large duck wearing fishnet stockings and singing “If I Could Turn Back Time!”. Ouch.
These people are crossing illegally and driving up our health care costs.
Here. Happy?
Those immigrants really are just cheap. They actually are not of any real benefit for us either.
“It’s not our fault. We have the best trained troops in the world. We see a communist — our instinct is to shoot!” -Hilarious, I couldn’t have said it better myself (mainly because I dont write humor posts for a blog).
“…can’t get Americans to watch soccer.”
What does I.M.A.O. mean ?