Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
Unless, you live in Dallas. Then the news is bad. Have you read this?
Dallas is the top city for crime.
This explains the newest trend in street slang — “gimme your money, partner.”
Crime is so bad, the only safe place for visitors in Dallas is on the football field.
Dallas has drive by shooting just like all the other cities. Finding the criminals can be tough – all the cows look so much alike.
Do you know what criminals really want? A North Face jacket!
True. Police are noticing that the expensive jackets are often the target of street crime.
Now this can make for a very interesting mugging.
“That’s right man. This jacket is mine, punk. Ha. Mine, mine, mine!!!(Pause) Say, man, do you have this in an Extra large?”
American Idol’s Paula Abdul may be charged in a hit and run.
So she might go up before a judge. Or in her case, 3 judges.
“I find you guilty Miss Abdul. Personally, I was rooting for you, but you didn’t quite give me what I was looking for.”
As you know, the Forbes list of the Worlds Wealthiest men came out not too long ago. And guess who moved up several spots? The darling of the Left – Fidel Castro.
Now, It has been said that Castro is upset at being on the list. He says he doesn’t belong on that list.
He’s sad. He’s moping.
In fact, it’s been days since he’s left the palace.
Forbes said that the list is ‘more art than science’.
Which is exactly what you want to hear from a BUSINESS magazine.
Wouldn’t that have been a great defense for the WorldCom CEO?
“Mr. Ebbers, you are convicted of overstating profits for WorldCom.
What do you have to say for yourself?”
“Well, accounting is more an art than it is a science.”
I’m waiting for the day when congressional budget figures all end with “ish”.
Bernie Ebbers, may face up to 85 years in a Federal Prison. Now, some say that it’s not fair for him to be sent to serve time with thugs, rapists, and murderers. I agree. I mean the thugs, rapists, and murderers all have some scruples.
Scott Peterson has been moved to San Quentin prison, where he now sits on Death Row.
He gets a lot of fan mail. In fact, he’s also received two wedding proposals.
And why shouldn’t he? He’s young, he’s good looking, and he has a real killer place in San Francisco, right by the water.
Maybe if he finds the right girl, he can invite her over for a final meal.
Adidas is coming out with a computerized smart running shoe.
It’s very functional. And if you crash it all you have to do is just reboot. Or in this case -“re-shoe.”
You know what I would want? I shoe that has GPS and talked to you.
“3 miles. You’re doing great.”
Huff. Huff. “Thanks, shoe.”
“Are you sure you want to keep going?”
Huff. Huff. Yes, I’m fine.
“We’re almost at the Dallas City limit–”
Huff. “I’m fine.”
“Aren’t we cocky? Running in Dallas AND wearing a North Face jacket.”
Huf. “I’m okay.”
“Well, don’t look now, but there’s somebody chasing your butt right now.”
Huff. “You’re right. What’s he screaming anyway?”
“He wants to know if you’re an extra large.”
That might not be a bad idea to take up running. Have you seen the price of gasoline lately?
Drudge reports that the Bush Administration is studying a nightmare scenario of $4 a gallon.
Do you know where you find gasoline at $4 a gallon? Europe!!
My gosh, that WOULD be a nightmare!!
In Texas, a lawmaker is proposing an end to “Sexy cheerleading” saying the suggestive grinding has no place on the field.
Under the bleachers — yes, on the field — no.
I don’t know. What is cheerleading if not one long, sexual performance, done in your school colors? It’s soft porn with pom poms.
Pretty young ladies, jumping up and down–
in short skirts.. ..
uh. what was I talking about?
Some cheerleading coaches are saying that the proposed change wouldn’t affect them. You see, in competition, sexy grinding moves can make you lose points.
Sounds funny to say, but Cheerleading is more of a science than an art.
And finally…
The Japanese have invented a gum that can enhance a woman’s breast size.
God bless the Japanese. Here we are in America wasting all our time making it sugar free!
This is actually a productive thing. Normally, all you get from chewing is a big ass!
Finally, a product to provide some balance.
This will change petty gossip as we know it!
She’s so pretty. Do you think her size is natural, or do you think she chews?
**
Thanks.
Remember, I can’t hear you laugh. Remember to post your favorite joke in comments.
It’s pronounced “Pardner”, y’all know, right?
Nice roundup, pahd-nah.
This is my favorite joke of ALL TIME:
A woman is in a terrible car accident and is rushed to the ER. Her husband is called and he rushes to the hospital as well. Whewn he gets there, the Dr. takes him aside and says, “we were able to save your wife , but she’s basically a vegatbale. You’ll have to do everything for her, bathe her, feed her, change her diapers.”
The man breaks down and starts sobbing. The Dr. walks up and throws his arm around the man and says, “Hey, I was just f@#$ing with you, she’s dead!”
I’m going with the fidal castro one
“What is cheerleading if not one long, sexual performance, done in your school colors? It’s soft porn with pom poms.”
“Sounds funny to say, but Cheerleading is more of a science than an art.”
Awesome finale to an already good running joke.