Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
I have some sad Easter news, unfortunately.
A boy may face charges for smacking the Easter Bunny in the face.
This is what happens when kids are allowed to smack elves around. It just escalates, people!!
Give the man in the bunny costume some credit, he felt it was not right for the Easter bunny to hit back.. Funny though, it’s the first time kids heard a bunny squeal like a stuck pig.
But watch yourself kid, the Easter Bunny knows people, if you know what I mean.
This will lead to father-son conversations such as:
“Daddy, what’s that Elf doing out here at this time of year?”
“Well son, it appears to be a half-nelson.”
A Wendy’s restaurant in Northern California, served a customer a special surprise!!
(hat tip to reader Gaskar — who had this to me long before Drudge posted it)
Yep. A customer found a part of a severed finger in her bowl of chili.
Worst part? They advertise it as TWO finger chili!!
She was robbed man. She was robbed.
Sales of chili were down. Way down.
It’s sad to see chile in single digits. And vice versa.
Police are looking for the owner of the severed finger – but as of yesterday, they hadn’t fingered anyone.
A man has invented a sorely needed device. He has a filter for your TV that will block out Fox news.
This is much better, although not cheaper, than the old device — a remote control.
Experts predict this should sell big with liberals who strongly believe in all points of view.
This should also not be confused with the filter used by conservatives to block out left wing bias — the OFF switch.
Kofi Annan is depressed over his son’s involvement in the UN’s Oil-for-food scandals.
Actually, it’s only a scandal when it draws media attention. I think we can almost call this a domestic dispute.
Anyway, Kojo denies the allegations but is very concerned about his dad’s mental health. In fact, to cheer him up, Kojo bought Kofi a present — FIJI!!
Maybe Kofi just needs to party a bit. Hmm.
How about a visit to the UN troops in the Congo! The party never stops, baby.
Come on everybody and do the Congo —
You know you can’t control yourself any longo-
Feel the rhythm of the music getting strongo
In an interview with Jesse Jackson, Michael Jackson suspects that there is a conspiracy that is out to get him.
He compares his situation to the cruel treatment received by Mohammed Ali.
Because when you think of bad ass, Black boxer–you think of Michael Jackson.
Hmm. Come to think of it, they both seem to have a skill for putting people on their backs.
The interview is quite intriguing and will be available in next month’s issue of BILF Magazine.
BTW, the judge has ruled that the old child molestation cases against MJ can be brought up in this trial. I don’t think this is a bad sign. Unless your lawyer asks if you can dangle him from the fire escape.
Paul Wolfowitz is saying that he wouldn’t use his position at the World Bank to preach Democracy.
Instead, he’d spend his time pitching something everyone on the planet truly needs – Free Checking.
Hat Tip to reader Jon, who had this next story to me almost as soon as it happened. Wow, IMAO readers are fast, I’m just too slow.
In Detroit, there’s a bank robber that is called the Michael Moore bandit.
They call him that because he’s very much like Michael. He’s fat, he’s bearded, and all the security tape is edited to blame President Bush.
That and the getaway car is driven by Sean Penn.
That’s silly, why would Michael Moore rob banks? He can focus on much easier targets — like gullible liberals.
Especially when they have their Fox filters on.
And finally, now it is possible to bother every single space creature in the galaxy.
Craig’s List is being beamed into outer space.
This shows you that there is now a new strategy. If the aliens won’t respond to all those friendly ‘come visit’ invitations — maybe can trick them here with Spam.
**
Do you have an interesting news item? Send it along to rightwingduckatyahoodotcom with the words roundup in the subject line.
That’s all for today.
Remember, I can’t hear you laugh, so if any joke made you laugh, post it in comments.
For those of you who have wondered why I haven’t posted at RightWingDuck – patience. I finally worked through some computer issues.
“but as of yesterday, they hadn’t fingered anyone.”
ARRRRRGGGHH! Die, evil punster!
[throws tomato]
Always love your round-up.
“It’s sad to see chile in single digits. And vice versa.”
Was my favorite line; pretty clever.
A good friend of mine worked for several years as a mall Santa, later using the experience as the basis for a radio theater script.
He swore this is how he dealt with threats of physical assault:
BOY: What would you do if I yanked your beard?
SC: I’d drop-kick you into Sporting Goods.
But I loved this one best of all:
GIRL: I’m Rachel Whitmore and I don’t believe in you.
SC: Well, I’m Santa Claus and I don’t believe in you!
GIRL: [Moment of existential angst] Waaaaaaaaaaah!
(See “An Atlanta Christmas” at artc.org for the full show.)
“Come on everybody and do the Congo –
You know you can’t control yourself any longo-
Feel the rhythm of the music getting strongo”
that was hilarious!
Experts predict this should sell big with liberals who strongly believe in all points of view.
This should also not be confused with the filter used by conservatives to block out left wing bias — the OFF switch.
The fact that this is so TRUE is what makes it so damn funny! Keep up the good work RWD.
Boston Legal had a episode air a couple of weeks ago about the Fox News blocker device. A student sued the school (with Spader’s character taking the case) because of it on 1st amendment grounds. The cool thing was they got the actor that played the principal on Boston Public to play the defendant. Spader won, of course.
I agree with Frank.
“It’s sad to see chile in single digits. And vice versa.”
I must concur: “It’s sad to see chile in single digits. And vice versa.” was the funniest line.
Now, if you could have worked oompa loompas into this one too, it would have been perfect. Heheh… oompa loompa.
Pete, I’m with you on this one.
I like the word Ooompa Loompa. It just sounds funny.
i concur with the current concurring of frankj, matt, & pete. “It’s sad to see chile in single digits. And vice versa.”
close second: “why would Michael Moore rob banks? He can focus on much easier targets like gullible liberals. Especially when they have their Fox filters on.”
Well done RightWingDuck.
I regularly enjoy the roundup. Some of the best monologues to be found anywhere.
Hey RWD!
Great job as usual! Thanks for the update about RWD.com. I was beginning to wonder if you were just going to give up on it. I was there last night and became concerned you were too commited to making funny for IMAO to keep up with RWD.com.
“This should also not be confused with the filter used by conservatives to block out left wing bias — the OFF switch.”
I thought I held the patent on this?
OK, the chili story has now come full circle. I now understand why Tere-za didn’t recognize the Wendy’s chili in the photo-op. NO FINGER! It’s supposed to go with the finger sandwiches. (Duh) [In a related story, somewhere out west a commercial meat supplier DIDN’T report any on the job injuries. Developing]