For nearly 30 years, the world has waited with baited breath for the final installment of the Star Wars saga, expecting George Lucas to make it the best movie in the history of cinema.
Fools that we are.
Let’s be real about this. Lucas is living high, fat, and happy on the DVD residuals and just wants to get this over with. Even if this thing completely tanks at the box office, he’s still set for life. Do you HONESTLY think he’s going to put any effort into this? This is the guy who gave a Jamaican accent and eye stalks to the Trix Rabbit and made him the main character of Episode I. It’s far more likely that he’ll just throw together 2 hours of crap so he can get this thing over with. He doesn’t care! He’s the Great George Lucas! Worship him!
So what can you expect to see now that the gloves are off and he’s free to bludgeon us with his apathy? My theories are in the extended entry:
Queen Amidala discovers the joy of Cheetos and daytime TV – balloons up to 2000 pounds and is played by Michael Moore.
Episode III will consist primarily of scenes from the Star Wars Holiday Special – Happy Life Day, everyone!
It will be discovered that Annakin’s father is actually a Tauntaun.
Whatever you do, DON’T form a mental image of the actual conception process.
THAT’S gonna sting for a while, ain’t it?
Extended fight sequence between Count Dooku and the Star Wars Kid.
All CGI sequences courtesy of Matt Stone and Trey Parker.(CAUTION: link may not be monkey-free)
Special guest appearances by Pauly Shore and Carrot Top in an attempt to make Jar-Jar seem less irritating by comparison.
Costumes by Frederick’s of Dumpsterwood.
The part of C3P0 will be played by Anthony Daniels wearing a cardboard box covered in Reynolds Wrap
Obi-Wan gets eaten by a giant shark.
Wait… There are no sharks on the desert planet of Tatooine! And Obi-Wan has to live because he’s in Episode IV!
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I don’t care! I’m the Great George Lucas! Worship me!
New characters will include CGI versions of Count Chocula, Frankenberry, and Captain Crunch.
Sugar Bear got scratched from the list, since Lucas already put Ewoks in Episode VI
Episode III will be shot using only the colors red and green, just to mess with the colorblind.
The entire Clone Army will become lost in the outermost reaches of the galaxy because they were too stubborn to stop and ask for directions.
That’s what they get for cloning a man.
Thanks to the existence of… certain photos… Jar-Jar will be played by Frank J., and all the other characters will be wearing Nuke the Moon T-shirts.
Also, in honor of Frank J., Annakin’s mentor’s name will be spelled “Obi-Awn”.
In a fight between Aquaman and Star Wars Episode III, Aquaman would be green-screened, completely replaced by a CGI character, and all his lines dubbed in with James Earl Jones’s voice.
More information coming when it’s leaked to me by my secret sources in Hollywood or left in the comments by you.
That would only serve to make Aquaman cooler. “This is CNN. For Fish.”
And like ‘they’ say: In order to resolve one-half of the plot holes he’s created in the first 5 movies, episode III would have to be 270 minutes long.
Holy crap! Their breath smells like bait?? That explains why they can’t get any chicks!
I’m pretty sure you’re right, that GL just doesn’t care anymore. If you’re right, we can watch the movie and amuse ourselves watching him pissing on his legacy. If you’re wrong, then this movie is the systematic destruction of all the old hopes so that Luke can come up in 1977 as “A New Hope”. Done right, this next one could make The Sorrow and the Pity look like Muppets take Manhattan, and done the way we expect, it could make Gigli look like Godfather, and both would be itneresting to watch
Wow Harv, you totally just laid down the nerd card, pointed at it, laughed, then snorted.
But you are absolutely correct. I predict it beats out Titanic for all time gross because Star Wars fans are suckers.
This is why I don’t trust rich politicians like Cheney and Bush — they’re rich, so they don’t give a f***. Why trust them?
Uh Dennis? Incase you didn’t understand the topic of our conversation: we’re talking about Star Wars, the movie, not the `star wars’ missle defense system. No need to push your left-wing paranoia on us. BTW your boy Kerry is richer than both of them combined.
Has anybody else noticed that the 1970’s Darth Vader costume has a very poor intimidation factor compared to the Darth Maul and other assorted CGI effects in the newer features? To rectify this, I predict that the last installment will feature costume design from Death Race 3000 to make the original Darth outfit more realistic and menacing.
I think he’s going to splice in a lot of footage from Willow, too. That way, Lucas can put Val Kilmer in the credits and not have to pay him anything!
i have 1 simple request. and that is to SHARKS WITH FREAKIN LASER BEAMS ATTACHED TO THEIR HEADS
While George Lucas’ “prequels” aren’t quite as good as the original Holy Trilogy, he is still not as awful and evil as the Blowhard Fatass king of all things specious, Michael Moore.
Context, people.
sure…
Frank as Jar-Jar? Funny,he doesn’t sound like a Rastafarian rabbit.But at least we now know what the “J” stands for. 😉
as long as the women of the audience dont have to sit through another “skiff guard” outfit like leia had to wear, it should be ok.
Harvey, thank you, thank you, thank you for the Star Wars Holiday Special link. That was freakin’ hilarious!
Say what you will, but I love Star Wars and look forward to seeing the last one. Hehehe. Part of their charm is that they don’t have to be great to be good.
Having seen the trailer, I think this one looks like it might actually be… good. Something Eps I & II weren’t. At all.
Whatever, just give me more Yoda battle sequences and I’ll squeal with glee.
I’ll be happy if they show Yoda getting his ass handed to him, and subsequently running off to Dagobah with his tail between his legs. The little jerk gets on my last nerves!!!
I find your lack of faith…disturbing.
Awhile ago I also posted my thoughts on what would be in Episode 3, I hope I am not dissapointed:
Secrets from episode 3 revealed
dodgeman,
For my friend’s birthday once (back in 94) we bought him a lifesize cardboard Boba Fett.
Let me tell you, when you see the old Boba Fett life sized, he looks really cheap. Like, duck taped plastic boxes all over, and you think, “I thought he looked cool?”
Keep it small sized, not life sized. That’s my motto. Uh… Don’t read too much into that.
Speaking of skimpily clad women, I think actually it is a MUST that episode 3 have one, just like the 3rd episode of the original trilogy.
Natalie Portman… MMmmmmmmm….
It won’t be any good unless Dark Helmet makes a cameo appearance as the teenage Vader. They can work it in as a flash-back (flash-forward?).