Hello, Aquafans.
You’ve probably been wondering where I’ve been. As I mentioned before, I’ve been subpoenaed to testify before Congress about steroid use among superheroes. Well, it ends up it’s more sweeping than that. They’re looking into all the addictions of our protectors of justice.
I’m still torn on how much to say. There certainly are some eccentricities to many superheroes that may actually borderline substance abuse.
Take Spiderman, for instance. I once found him with a jar of radioactive spiders. He’d take a spider out of the jar, relax in a chair, and then have the spider bite him. I’d tried talking to him about it, but he shot web over my mouth which took a full hour to clean off.
Batman’s situation is even weirder. I guess from having exposure to the Joker’s laughing gas over the years has made him addicted to it. He’ll take deep breaths of this toxic gas that leaves people dead with a grin from ear to ear, and he won’t even crack a smile. Anyway, I know Batman isn’t going to be obeying the Congressional subpoena; damn vigilante.
And I’m not even sure what’s up with Superman. When he’s not fighting crime, he’s sunbathing. Actually, sometimes he’s doing it instead of fighting crime. Once, I yelled to him, “A plane is falling out of the sky!” You’d think he’d leap into action, but not when he’s in the middle of sun bath. He didn’t even move a muscle and just asked, “How big a plane?” Hmm… I wonder if the sun has something to do with his powers? I once talked with a reporter, Clark Kent, about it, but he said there was no story there. Business mogul Lex Luthor was quite interested though.
Oh, and while I’m talking about superheroes’ problems, I should mention that Wonder Woman is a lush and a whore.
Well, maybe I should talk about all this and more to Congress. A lot of superheroes are pretty screwed up, and we only succeed because the villains are even worse. I’m sure if I talk, though, some fingers will be pointed at me, and they’ll probably bring up that one time I strangled a sturgeon to death after having a little too much cocaine at a party, but you should have heard what he said to me! …And you can’t, because only I can talk to fish.
Anyway, enough about that for now; there’s justice to be done in the seas!
This is Aquaman, signing off.
hahahahaha
It’s true, she is.
I heard that when you got called before congress you cried like a girly-man Aquasissy and said “I don’t want to discuss the past”…
You’re my hero, Aquaman! In a fight between Aquaman and Bruce Willis’ character in Unbreakable, Aquaman would totally win! assuming they were near water.
I wonder if Aquaman ever has wet dreams??
Wet Dream
by Kip Adadda
It was the 41st of April, being a quadruple leap year.
I was driving through downtown Atlantis.
My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray, and it was overheating.
I pulled off into a Shell station.
They said I’d blown a seal.
I said, “Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, okay pal?”
While they were doing that I walked over to a place called “The Oyster Bar” — a real dive.
But I knew the owner — he used to play for the Dolphins.
I said “Hi, Gil!” You have to yell, he’s hard of herring.
Gil was also down on his luck.
Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water.
I bellied up to the sandbar.
He poured me the usual — Rusty snail, hold the grunnion, shaken, not stirred.
With a peanut-butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side — heavy on the mako.
I slipped him a fin – on porpoise.
I was feelin’ good. I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry’s squids.
For the halibut.
Well, the place was crowded.
We were packed in like sardines.
They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal.
What sole.
Tommy was rockin’ the place with a very popular tuna, Salmon-chanted evening,
And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers — Probably there to see the bass player.
One of them was this cute little yellowtail, and she was giving me the eye.
So I figured this was my chance for a little fun.
You know, piece of pisces.
But she said things I just couldn’t fathom.
She was too deep. Seemed to be under a lot of pressure.
Boy, could she drink. She drank like a- She drank a lot.
I said “What’s your sign?” She said, “Aquarium.”
I said, “Great! Let’s get tanked!”
I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait.
I said, “C’mon, baby, it’ll only take a few minnows.”
She threw me that same old line, “Not tonight. I’ve got a haddock.”
And she wasn’t kidding either, cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock I’d ever seen come down the pike.
He was covered with mussels.
He came over to me, he said “Listen, shrimp, don’t you come trollin’ around here.”
What a crab. This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes.
I turned to him, I said “A-balone. You’re just bein’ shellfish.”
Well, I knew there was going to be trouble, and so did Gil, cause he was already on the phone to the cods.
The haddock hits me with a sucker punch.
I catch him with a left hook. He eels over.
It was a fluke, but there he was, lyin’ on the deck, flat as a mackerel. Kelpless.
I said, “Forget the cods, Gil, this guy’s gonna need a sturgeon.”
Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend.
She came over to me, she said “Hey, big boy, you’re really a game fish. What’s your name?”
I said, “Marlin.”
Well, from then on, we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner. I took her to dance.
I bought her a bouquet of flounders. And then I went home with her.
And what did I get for my trouble?
A case of the clams.
Cincinnati_Bob Hey…that is Frank Funny! Great Stuff!
Batman is one sick dude. Robin needs to spearhead an intervention.
Dear Aquaman,
I have the cruelest addiction of all. I am addicted to YOU.
I read all your columns, watch all your movies, I have a rockin tattoo of you on a very intimate place, I use your fragrance, and I even have your album with Leonard Nimoy!
If there’s a 12 step program, I don’t want to hear about it.
Forever your Salmon Strumpet,
Stalker,Pa
Dunno how to go more off-topic than this, but here’s the reason the moon has never been nuked yet: THE NASA HAS A SECRET NINJA SQUAD!!!
Read the horrible truth:
http://slowbeef.com/MG2/chap4.html
(scroll down)
“NASA doesn’t have ninjas, last I checked… unless of course, they’re so stealthy I just never noticed them on the moon. Moon ninjas?! Whaaaaa?!”
Another sick plot unveiled!
ewwwwwwwwww! a tatoo of Aquayuk on some guy’s Mr. Lincoln? There’s a picture I didn’t need blasted onto my cerebral cortex for all eternity! Thanks for nothing!
Strange Underdog isn’t mentioned.
Cincinati Bob – that was hysterical…and you too Aquaman!