Ever since the first bomb was invented 5000 years ago in Egypt by Alfred Nobel, bad people have used them to blow up innocent civilians.
Mainly in Israel.
However, for the first time since then, the UN has vowed to take concrete action to put a stop to these heinous acts. Secretary General Kofi Annan has promised to think about talking about maybe writing down – ON ACTUAL PAPER, mind you – a treaty which, if adopted, would make murdering people even MORE illegal than it already is.
But until that happy day when all nations stand united in saying “NO! NO!” (instead of merely “NO!”, which hasn’t yet worked, although it certainly MIGHT, if given enough time), the UN has promulgated some stopgap measures that can be implemented immediately.
So, in the interest of public safety, I offer you (in the extended entry) this:
ATTENTION: UN Secretary General Kofi Annan recommends that you take the following measures if you are confronted by a terrorist situation:
* Hit the terrorist on the nose with a rolled up newspaper while saying “No! Bad!” in a stern voice.
* Stop. Drop. Roll.
* Surrender (France only)
* Duck and cover.
* Do a little dance. Make a little love. Get down tonight.
* Slip into “bullet time” to dodge the explosion.
* Call his mother – terrorists fear parental disapproval above all else.
* Switch your sword into your right hand while explaining to the terrorist that you are NOT left-handed.
* Pay the ransom (Italy only).
* Get a lap d…[notices dirty looks from IMAO readers]… Nevermind.
* Flee to the Neverland Ranch
* Hey, it’s safe. Michael’s in court today.
* Tune in. Turn on. Drop out.
* See Spot run. Run, Spot, run. Run, run, run!
* Maybe Spot knows something you don’t.
* Scowl.
* Wish REALLY, REALLY hard that this wasn’t happening.
* Set a spell. Take your shoes off. Ya’ll come back, now, hear?
* Quick! Dial 9-1-… [KABOOM!]
* Try distracting the terrorist by throwing a tennis ball.
* Hey – works on my dog.
* Have Calgon take you away.
* Clear your throat while tapping your foot impatiently.
* Yell for help – Hey Culligan Man!
* Try understanding the root causes of the terrorist’s anger.
* This should buy you enough time to make out your will.
* Fire up your computer, play solitaire, and await the end. Just like at work.
* If none of the above steps prove effective, have the US Marines come in and save your worthless ass while you denounce their unilateral interventionism.
World citizens are encouraged to leave additional brilliant plans in the comments.
First I think…
Yes, I was finally first! I think the tapping your foot impatiently thing works. Also, tell the terrorists that they can’t have dessert tonight if they blow up themselves and others.
i think that’s the closest i’ve come to being first. oh how i despise you Ard Ri!
I LOVE YOU, HARVEY – YOU FUNNY!!! 🙂 (Do a little dance, make a little love… my fav)
Sad. All this brilliant writing sacrificed on the pagan altar of the weekend readership trough.
proud member of the weekend readership trough
what’s all this talk about my altar?
I just put my hands in front of me, moan “I MO THEP” with the rest of the zombies, and slip away once they’ve passed.
Switch your sword into your right hand while explaining to the terrorist that you are NOT left-handed.
You win for that one.
I’ve found that allowing them to use a PC with Windows installed is a good enough distraction. They forget about me and start issuing Fatwas against Bill Gates. Works every time.
*Get the biggest pop acts of the 1980s to come back and do an encore of, “We are the World”
*Cumbayah
*Look busy by driving around in a big white Land Rover. Then blame the US for not stopping the terrorists.
…There is only ONE solution to terrorism…
GWAR!!!
Only the Scumdogs of the Universe can save your sorry behinds!
Whoa Harvey, I didn’t knew Al Nobel had invented the time machine too. That explains a lot of things. Curses to you, Alfred Nobel!!!
if the UN is put in charge of defining what crimes actually are, and HOW illegal they are, (as if there a degrees of illegality) as well as what terrorism actually is, then there is only on thing that people can really do. Stick your head between your legs and kiss your arse good bye.
another thing? is frank the only one who can post while being intoxicated?
Puschmj – no, but he’s the only one who can DOUBLE-post while being intoxicated.
good to know…i’ll make sure i only push the ol’ post button once then.
Imagine a blog that was filled with only drunk-posting…
If Anheiser-Busch had one, thats what it’d be.
Harvey,
Congrats on making Right Wing News’s main page.
I smell a t-shirt!!!
“I am not left-handed either.”
Heh, “promulgated”
-M
Army NCO Guy: Try asking him to face you as God intended. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone. You put down your newspaper, he puts down his gun, and you try and kill each other like civilized people.
I once saw a liberal remedy that might actually work on Islamofascists. It was on Saturday Night Live, in a “Go-Lords” segment, that is, it was dolls posing as superhero-Johnny-Quest types.
They were in some sort of fight and the male Go-Lord told the female Go-Lord to strip. Then the head of the evil scientist or whoever it was exploded. I’ll bet most Islamofascists have cerebral aneurisms; they go berserk at the sight of a female ankle.
If someone with a talent for humor applied himself to this idea, it might be funny. But also practical, it must give an unarmed gal a better chance than singing ‘Kumbaya’.
Army NCO Guy: Hail to the Chief has a point. You know, the terrorist could have killed you already.
Remeber, before you kill a terrorist, say “I want the Towers back, you son of a bitch!”