Hello, Aquafans.
Today, a citizen ran up to me yelling, “Aquaman! We need your help!”
“I’m on my way!” I answered as I jogged to the scene.
An apartment building was ablaze. “So, did you call the fire department?”
“We thought maybe you could do something,” the panicked citizens answered.
“Well, though I am named Aquaman, I don’t actually have water powers,” I explained.
“What can you do?”
“I talk to fish!”
“That’s gay.”
“No it’s not!” I then noticed the apartment building was near the ocean. So I used my awesome powers to summon a whale who splashed water at the building with its mighty tail.
“That’s barely doing anything!” one guy complained, “And I thought you said you can talk to fish. A whale isn’t a fish.”
“Well… I can talk to all creatures of the sea!”
“Can you speak Portuguese?”
“No.”
“But if I threw a Portuguese man in the ocean, would you be able to talk to him?”
“Uh… I dunno. No more questions!” I commanded. I then kept watch of the burning building to make sure no one stole from it before the fire department arrived… and nearly no one did.
I really don’t think people quite appreciate us superheroes. I guess that’s why I’m now doing political blogging. Who better to answer problems in politics than the King of Atlantis?
The only problem is most of politics involves D.C. and the traffic on the Beltway is horrible (and there is no way I’m swimming up the Potomac).
Well, it will take some time shifting to this new paradigm, but I’ll do it for you, Aquafans. What political issues do you want me to tackle for you? Please leave your answers in the commentorium.
This is Aquaman, signing off.
Aquaman
I can’t find my car keys. Can you help?
JoshG,
Did a fish swallow them?
What’s your policy on water boarding?
Aquaman, why is the RSS feed all funky now? I don’t see the titles of the posts anymore, just the date and time. No likey.
“Who better to answer problems in politics than the King of Atlantis?”
You’re a King? How did you get to be a King? I didn’t vote for you.
Now, what if the water itself was on fire? Could you talk to the fish then?
Well, well, well. So you don’t swim up the Potomac…Does that mean you swim up the C&O Canal along side it? I know I’ve seen some strange “sea creatures” from my view from the towpath. Mayhaps one was even wearing a cape.
I hate water. I can not stand drinking that filth. Plain water is evil and of the devil. If Aquaman is King of Atlantis, I am holding him responsible. Once I take over the world, your kingdom is at the top of my list! Right after bombing France, and sinking Canada.
My wallet and Visa Check Card fell overboard. Can you stop the seamonkeys from charging dinner with it?
Aquaman, if that is your real name, just what the hell did you “say” to that whale to coerce him into splashing water on that towering inferno?
There will be an investigation…I swear to Nature: There. Will. Be. An. Investigation!
How do birds see fish underwater without Polaroid sunglasses?
Can you help with with which lure to use for muskie fishing here in Minnesota this spring, Aquaweenie?
Dear Aquaman.
Your last column reminded me of something I’ve always wondered about. Please help me and a friend settle a bet.
Do Portuguese Man ‘o Wars speak Portuguese or jellyfish? (and as a side bet, what is the correct plural???)
-Indeterminately Lingual in Land ‘o Lakes
Maybe Aguaman is kind of useless, but you have to admit that he is honest and he doesn’t give up – even though his butt gets kicked every time. Come on Aquaman, keep on fighting (did i say fighting?) against evil!
I should like to know how to say “Aquaman” in as many languages as possible. Such knowledge could be useful in international waters.
English: Aquaman
German: Wassermann
French: L’homme d’eau
Italian: L’uomo di acqua
Greek: o neroulos anthropos
Spanish: El hombre del agua
Any others?