The US Senate recently voted to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil exploration. Hearing this made made me so happy that I celebrated by beating up a hippy. While washing the blood off my hands, it occurred to me that I don’t actually know anything about ANWR. After extensive Googling however, I still didn’t know anything, so (in the extended entry) I made up these
- ANWR is located in northern Alaska, a land so barren and desolate that it only has three Wal-Marts.
- Environmentalist groups describe the area as “pristine”, but a better decription would be “19 million acres of ice lightly sprinkled with moose poop”.
- The area is called a “refuge” because it’s mainly inhabited by pro-Coke polar bears who escaped there to avoid the ethnic cleansing of the Cola Wars in the 1980’s.
- Environmentalists claim that drilling in ANWR would disrupt the habitat of the native caribou. However, the plan approved by the Senate specifically allows for moving the caribou onto small reservations and allowing them to open casinos.
- The biggest drawback to drilling in ANWR is that the oil rigs would leave less room for club-swinging when killing baby seals.
- The oil reserves in ANWR are estimated to be some nine billion barrels, which is more than twice that found in an order of McDonald’s french fries.
- Oil was first discovered in ANWR by a man named Jed. A poor Eskimo – barely kept his family fed. And then one day he was shootin’ at some food…
- …Black gold. Arctic tea.
- Some people are concerned that local herds of caribou will be decimated. Which is nonsense, since a caribou can only be killed by driving a wooden stake through its heart.
- Being so close to the North Pole, ANWR receives only 15 minutes of daylight per year, which explains why all the caribou haven’t yet crumbled to dust.
- There isn’t a single paved road anywhere in ANWR. Which is actually a GOOD thing, since it keeps the sightseeing hippies in their badly-in-need-of-a-tune-up Volvos from destroying the pristine wilderness.
- Besides, Buffy the Caribou Killer drives an SUV, so she doesn’t need roads.
- Most of ANWR is so remote that it is only accessible by airplane, leading to the obvious conclusion that we should soften it up with airstrikes before stealing the oil.
- Bird lovers are concerned that the proliferation of oil derricks would wind up killing Snow Geese, who might accidentally fly into them. However, this would only kill the weak and stupid, which is in accordance with God’s will.
- The strong and healthy would be slaughtered for sport.
- Which is NOT God’s will in the strictest sense of the word, but there’s a coupon for free Snow Geese in the Bible somewhere, I’m QUITE sure of that.
If I failed to include any pertinent ANWR info, please bruise my fragile ego by pointing it out to me in the comments.
I thought hippies still drove Volkswagons. Silly me.
Hippies drive? I thought they just sorta floated around wraith-like on moonbeams and meth.
Who cares…go beat another one up!!!
arCtic.
That is all.
I hear that the Senate has signed a deal with Santa Claus to have the oil derricks operated by his elves. They’re the ideal choice because they work for jellybeans and are used to putting down violent caribou/reindeer uprisings.
Josh – typo noted and corrected.
Thank you.
yeah, but how will this effect lap dances?
I hear some hippies are going to go up the ANWR and chain themselves to the permafrost to prevent drilling. Once they freeze over, their stupid banners and signs will become navigational features. “Go Thirty miles, then turn left at Bushitler way; our place is the first left after you see that fat white hippy with dread locks wearing the save the whales shirt. I swear, I never get tired of seeing that one…”
Hey I resent that! I drive a Volvo.
“Which is NOT God’s will in the strictest sense of the word, but there’s a coupon for free Snow Geese in the Bible somewhere, I’m QUITE sure of that.” LOL! I love it!
Leviticus 65:432
“And the LORD said unto Moses, “Thou Shalt taketh this coupon unto ANWR, and will redeem it for a strong and healthy snow goose. This coupon good through 2012.””
Who would win a fight between a caribou and Aquaman? That’s the question..
not fixed yet:P
Most of ANWR is so remote that it is only accessible by airplane, leading to the obvious conclusion that we should soften it up with airstrikes before stealing the oil.
Classic!
Where’d you find a hippie to beat up? I can’t find any here, and this place used to be just crawlin’ with ’em.
FRAK!
Ok, Bingo, you win this round… but I will have my revenge…
By which I mean it’s fixed.
I swear. I must spell check by only looking at the first & last letters of each word.
PtDraco – Aquaman would freeze solid in the ArCtic cold and the caribou would shatter him into a million pieces like a T-1000
Harvey, you’re our hero.
The Volvo IS the #1 choice for liberals. I read that somewhere on the internet, so I know it’s true.
ford 4×4,
lap dances wouldn’t be affected because the Laplanders are over in Norway
Harvey, if you DRIVE a Volvo, you ARE a liberal. So stop showering, already!